Crossdressers-Haven.com

Ladies, I need a little help.
The last couple of years my job has required more travel and I've used that opertunity to dress more. (something many have done I'm sure) Well I messed up and didn't cover more track well. My SO has found a reciept where I purchased some lipstick just prior to my travel this time, my first time, and wants to know if I bought lipstick and why.
Not sure if I should just deny it or ignore the question.
And have been satified with being able to wear panties 24/7 the last year (of course they are black and non-descript) but panties just the same.
I'll concider any and all suggestions.
As I get older the desire to dress becomes more prevalent, and I'm sure that I know my SO well enough after 38 years that she will not except my dressing. While she goes along with the panties, I really would like to grow older with this 56 year young lady. we have been a pair since she was 11.
Buy the way I bought a night gown this trip My first, can't imagine having never had one. Off the subject, Sorry.
Thanks look forward to any replies.

I'm not married and I have no desire to ever be married. But from an ethical standpoint, my feeling is that people who are intolerant deserve to be lied to.

Aileen,
I'm not sure that I understand your position. Could you expound on this statement;

But from an ethical standpoint, my feeling is that people who are intolerant deserve to be lied to.

Wish Warm Wishes
Rose

Rony,

I've never been married, though I have a wonderfully accepting SO. My guess (and that is all it is), is that if she "goes along with the panties" as you say, I would be really surprised if she does not already have some idea that you are a CDer. With 38 years between you, I would bet that she knows and may be in denial (or not). The lipstick probably just solidified the suspicion.

My choice would be to get things out in the open. She may not accept this side of you, but do you really think she would throw that many years away over something like this?

If she asks about it again, it means that it is really bothering her and you need to make the decision to be truthful. If she does not ask about it again, you have a choice to bring it up or let it drop.

Again, that's just my take on it. You know your circumstances better than anyone. All the best with whatever choice you make!

Take Care
Angie

I would suggest being honest with her and telling her that you did buy the lipstck and it is for you. Explaine to her that it is part of who you are and that you are still the man she married. Beyond that I cannot say much because I am single and quite happy that way (most of the time). Take it one step at a time.

Tell her the truth. That you had an uncontrollable urge to buy the lipstick to see what it looked like on you. Tell her you even bought a nightgown as well. Tell her your trying to sort it all out, and ask for her patience while you do.

What was her initial reaction to the panties?

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, All responses under concideration.
DonnaT, to answer your question her responce was kind of matter of fact one night while out shopping, (we were in Macy's) she asked if they had the underwear I want there, I answered yes and we proceeded to find the barely there I'd decided to start out with, at her suggestion we bought both sizes 4/5 and 6/7 not being sure which would be the correct size. and returned the 6/7's.
I think she does suspect but when anything remotely related to my preferance in underwear comes up she says she flatly doesn't want to go there. Another reason I think she knows but is in denial, she was cleaning her panty drawer out one night and had two pair of really nice Wacoal hipster panties, I offered to take care of them she objected but never asked about them again.

In some other post on this site you can find info about the health and hormone changes that males go through as we age. Less testoterone, more estrogen. It is a scientific fact this occurs in many (% I don't know the specific statistics, but I do recall they were rather high), men beyond 40. Some more so than others of course.

Not that I would use that as an excuse but I do suggest you find out more about what's going on in your life so you can knowingly and honestly discuss it further with your SO. Don't get into a discussion without knowledge. That only perpetuates myths and legends.

No one likes to be lied to so I would offer only the vagust of explainations (bought it for yourself?) and ask for some time to come up with an excuse.... NO NO NO... I didn't mean that!

Take the time to find out who you are today. We all change, and much to the amazement of many husbands, so do wives.

Hi Rony,

It’s quite a common occurrence for many of us as we get older to find that our needs become more intense and urgent, also, the need for acceptance by certain people in our lives can also become more intense.
I’ve long studied the medical and scientific area in relation as to the possibilities of the whys and wherefores of being as we are, and indeed in the last 20 years medical scientists have made important discoveries as to what takes place during our development in the womb and shortly after birth which can have a bearing on the degree of future femininity or masculinity of the person.
I believe that when there are sufficient definite relevant scientific facts proved which corroborate our beliefs as to why people are born with such an expanded difference in gender, then that will go a long way to convincing the community that we don’t make a conscious choice of our fluidity in our gender actions and appearance, and how we are is perfectly normal for us and the way it was meant to be.
I know it’s difficult in a situation such as yours and there’s no easy answer which fits all circumstances, but I hope both you and your wife can find the way to compromises which suits you both.

Although it’s a bit lengthy, I’ve included an article below from the Chicago Tribune which I read earlier this year, and it may be interesting to you and others as well as it shows that science is making big steps towards finding the answers which society will find easier to accept as time goes by. Many people are more comfortable with, and find it easier to accept a medical or scientific view, rather than accept what we say, even though we know what we say is the real truth of the matter.

It can often be of assistance to people if they are given articles such as the one below to read. It can
sometimes give them food for thought in regards as to why we do what we do, and people can be prone to accepting explanations from outside sources better than from people close to them.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….


New evidence shows how hormones wire the minds of men and women to see the world differently

By Ronald Kotulak, science reporter
Chicago Tribune, April 30, 2006

Scientists are still a long way from figuring out what women and men really want, but they are getting a lot closer to understanding what makes their brains so different.That women and men think differently has little to do with whether they are handed dolls or trucks to play with as infants. After all, when infant monkeys are given a choice of human toys, females prefer dolls and males go after cars and trucks.

The differences, researchers are beginning to discover, appear to have a lot more to do with how powerful hormones wire the female and male brain during early development and later in life.

Among the newest findings: A previously unknown hormone appears to launch puberty's sexual and mental transformation; growth hormone is made in the brain's memory center at rates up to twice as high in females as in males; and the brain's hot button for emotions, the amygdala, is wired to different parts of the brain in women and men.

Scientists hope the findings may help explain such mysteries as why females are often more verbal, more socially empathetic, more nurturing and more susceptible to depression, while males tend to be more aggressive, more outdoorsy, more focused on things than people and more vulnerable to alcohol and drug addiction.

"Males and females look different, we act different, so of course our brains are different," said Rutgers University psychologist Tracey Shors, who is studying the effects of growth hormone on the brain. "Sex hormones along with stress and growth hormones change the brain's anatomy, and in that way you change behavior, your ability to think and learn."

Sex differences begin with the X and Y sex chromosomes a person is born with. But scientists now believe that whether the brain and nervous system are wired as female or male depends a lot on the early influence of estrogen, the so-called female hormone, or testosterone, the male hormone.

The brain's sexual identity is first established when those hormones are briefly released before and shortly after birth, which may influence a child's preference for dolls or trucks.

"There's a peak of testosterone in males at birth that's very important for future sexual behavior," said Dr. Sophie Messager of Paradigm Therapeutics in Cambridge, England. "If you block that, the male rats behave like females for the rest of their life.

"The sex hormones then lie dormant until they get turned on again in puberty to make the body ready for reproduction.That is where a recently discovered hormone called kisspeptin comes in. Created in the brain, it unleashes a cascade of hormones that race down to the gonads--ovaries in females and testes in males.

There they stimulate the production of estrogen or testosterone, starting the physical transformations of puberty. Messager proved in animals that blocking kisspeptin prevented those changes from happening.

But there is another target for this activity: the brain. The hormonal downrush kicked off by kisspeptin comes full circle when estrogen and testosterone travel back to the brain, imprinting neural circuits with female and male characteristics, Messager said.

Animal studies show that genetic females will behave like males if their estrogen is blocked and replaced by testosterone. Genetic males, in turn, act like females if their testosterone is knocked out.

Until kisspeptin was discovered, scientists had generally accepted the idea that sex differences were centered in the hypothalamus, a small organ on the underside of the brain. It was thought that the hypothalamus originated the flow of hormones that start puberty, determine male and female physical characteristics and orchestrate mating behavior."

The bias of mainstream neuroscience for the last 25 years has been, "OK, sure there's some sex differences way down deep in the brain in this little structure called the hypothalamus, but otherwise the brains of men and women were pretty much the same," said Larry Cahill, a neurobiologist at the University of California, Irvine.

"That was wrong, as wrong as could be," said Cahill, who is using imaging technology to show how male and female brains are wired for emotions. "Sex matters a lot in how the brain works and we neuroscientists have to change our tune."

One example lies in the amygdala, the organ that interprets the emotional content of an experience, affecting what people remember.Located deep in the brain on both sides, the amygdala amplifies memories that are pleasant or frightening. It tells the hippocampus, where memories are put together to be stored, which memories need to be most tightly locked in place. It will never let you forget what you were doing when you won the lottery or where you were on Sept. 11.

Cahill and his colleagues found that the amygdala works differently in men and women, which may help explain why women are more likely to develop mood disorders such as depression and men are more prone to alcoholism and drug abuse.

In one experiment, Cahill showed that when men and women watched the same emotional movie, the right side of the amygdala was more active in men, and the left amygdala was more active in women. "They're using very different brain processes to create enhanced memories," he said.

The right amygdala is more in tune to the outside environment, communicating with the visual cortex, which controls vision, and the striatum, which coordinates motor actions. These processes are thought to be key to spatial orientation--knowing how to negotiate your surroundings, as in hunting.

The left amygdala is concentrated more on the inner environment of the body, connecting with the insular cortex, which produces emotionally relevant content from sensory experiences, and the hypothalamus' regulation of the body's metabolic and autonomic activities. Scientists speculate that this is important for the female capacity for nurturing.

A second study by Cahill involved the beta blocker propranolol, a drug used to treat high blood pressure that also has been found to greatly reduce the activity of the amygdala. Because it subdues emotional arousal propranolol is being studied as a way to reduce the impact of post-traumatic stress disorder.

In Cahill's experiment, normal subjects were given propranolol before seeing an emotionally disturbing movie about a boy run over by a car. Cahill found that women on the drug were able to remember the central idea of the story, such as that the boy was with his mother, but fewer of the details. Men, on the other hand, remembered more details, like the soccer ball the boy was holding, but less of the essence of the story."The drug impaired memory for the details of the emotional story in women but not men, and it impaired memory for the gist of the story in men but not women," Cahill said.

One possible explanation for why women tend to be less aggressive than men is that they may be better able to filter out overly arousing feelings. The front part of the brain, which controls emotions, is bigger in women than in men when compared with the size of the amygdala, where experiences get their emotional charge.

That difference may be why women are less prone than men to fly off the handle, Cahill said.

Scientists also have made new discoveries about growth hormone, whose chief job was thought to be to build the body. But researchers have found the hormone is produced not only in the pituitary gland but also in the brain, in the hippocampus.

That suggests the hormone plays a previously unsuspected role in learning and emotions.

Said Shors: "Sex hormones, like estrogen, have a tremendous effect on the growth and architecture of the brain."

Rony,

I have been married 30 years, and was fortunate to have had the determination to reveal all before marriage.

After 38 years, things are not so cut and dried, not so black and white. I used to tell all who asked that honesty is always the best policy, but I have now heard from more than one CDr whose marriage did dissolve after coming clean with the crossdressing secret.

I think the problem is less the CD itself than the fact that it was kept secret for - in your case - 38 years. There is no way to roll back the clock and start over. If you do decide to come clean, be sure you have read extensively about the possible reactions, that you have ready answers to the questions she will likely ask, and be fully prepared for the worst while hoping for the best.

Hugs,

Bernice

Bernice
Thanks for your reply, I'd almost forgotten about this post, I was in the military at the time we were married and CDing was dorment in my mind. Rarely in my 20 + year career did I even give it a thought, occassionly the opertunity to wear a pair of pantiess would present itself and I would but then it would pass, I guess it was like getting a fix for a drug additict.
Sally
Thanks for the article, I've filed it under a fictious name for later reading.
Donna T.
The subject came up one more time, you guessed it I lied. She came up with the suggestion "they charged you for something you didn't buy and you didn't notice" I responded with that must be what happen.

Girls, thank you one and all for your input. I rarely post but often come here to read the post and try to make sense of the feelings I have. I'm dreading the day my SO ask why I always want to wear the baby blue VS PJ/lounge pants.
rony

Hi ya Rony,

Im a SO ,to Marie.

I have a little quote for you.

The truth is not always easy to live with.But lies destroy more than they protect.


Get as much information on crossdressing as possible,tell your spouse the truth,be prepared for her to feel angry,distraught etc.
If communication has been good throughout your marriage I guarantee she will sit down and listen.
If you talk to her and give her the information ,it is then up to her to make a decision on how she feels about having crossdressing in her life.

Lies create a sticky web that draws all you care for into it.It is better to tell the truth and let everyone who is close know where your at.

I mean to say crossdressing does'nt hurt anyone, so for me I find it difficult to understand those spouses that end a relationship purely because of it..

See ya penni