Any suggestions or thoughts?

[Paulie]

My wife is "somewhat tolerant" of my dressing. Usually, I only dress on the weekends or my days off. Mostly, now during the summer, I'll wear jean shorts, tank top, sandals, and, of course, panties and bra with smaller breast forms. I just stay either in the house or the backyard, I'm not out mowing the front yard dressed.

The other day she told me she wanted me to "tone it down" and referred to it as "my fetish". HUH??? It's not like we haven't talked before about my CDing, but somehow she still thinks it's just a "fetish" rather than a part of who I am.

I did give her the address of our forum, and she did sign up, but that was several months ago and she still hasn't visited yet. I've asked and her reply was, she's been too busy. Hmmmm, not too busy to chat on IM for hours with friends tho

Anyway, any thoughts and/or suggestions from others would be quite welcome. She's usually very open minded about most things, but it does seem she still has the wrong idea of why I dress.

Thanks all!!

[DonnaT]

I'll wear jean shorts, tank top, sandals, and, of course, panties and bra with smaller breast forms.

Tone it down?

That's pretty well toned down already.

I reckon you could try removing the breast forms.

Unless she referring to how often you dress. Then, you'll just need to reduce the number of days during the week.

My wife joined the forum a year or so ago, but never posted either. Not much you can do if she doesn't want to.

I reckon the first thing you probably should try and do is invite her, again, to discuss what being trans and Cding means, especially with regard to a "fetish". And ask her what she means by "tone it down".

Some women, like my wife, who are "somewhat acceptin" still don't like seeing it every day.

Note that fetish has several definitions:

• 1 An object that is believed to have magical or spiritual powers, especially such an object associated with animistic or shamanistic religious practices.
  
  2 An object of unreasonably excessive attention or reverence: made a fetish of punctuality.
  
  3 Something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.
  
  4 An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.

You might ask her which one she's referring to.

[KimberlyS]

I will ditto Donna Pauline.

And add that you will only know what she is thinking by talking to her. So communication, communication, communication. Talk and Listen. Then talk and listen some more.

KimberlyS

[Darth_Wolfenbarg]

If she means fetish as I commonly hear it, then you may need to explain to her what this does for you. I agree with Kim, the only way to understand is to communicate, so you both should definitely sit down and talk about it. If not then it could get a lot more serious than a "tone it down"

[Jabbela]

If she is thinking about CDing as "fetish", she might have the opinion, that you do it for arrousal. So just consider, she simply might feel neglected. In some part she might think, she is loosing you to a woman, she can't fight - the woman inside you.
It will not be easy to explain your feelings to her. She needs to understand, that she can win the friendship with a nice woman instead of loosing the relationship with her husband. But first you need to understand the situation she is in before you can improve her acceptance.

[Lydia]

My SO is supporting and accepting - she even buys femme things for me. She says she loves me no matter how I am dressed. But when she asks "Why?" I have no good answer. I can tell her how it feels good, comfortable, stress-relieving, and all those things we talk about here, but an essential logical justification is missing. Maybe all it takes is one misplaced nucleotide in my DNA.

I've read a lot of attempts to answer this here and in other places, but I fail to find an explanation with hard evidence. Maybe that's why it is so interesting?

Lydia

[Jeannie]

Lydia at this point in my life I don't go there anymore. I never felt comfortable being a man or dressing like one and I just go with the flow and enjoy it. I've read books about gender,Crossdressing ,Transvestites,Tran sexuals,Bi sexuals, inter sexed and posts about all kinds of theories and feelings and I always end up in the same place. The place I started. It's like a dog chasing it's tail. You go nowhere. You just have to enjoy your life as the person you are. That's all. That's how I feel. It brings to mind my seventh law of the Universe." There are 26 billion questions and only 19 billion answers." Whoever the Creator was, He/She had a great sense of humor! Hugs

Love
Jeannie


PS. By the way Lydia The Ten Laws of the Universe were written by my friend Gary(Who died last year) and me in the early seventies. I think the hookah had something to do with it! When I go out to breakfast and the waitress asks if I want any hash it brings back fond memories!

[Paulie]

Lydia and Jeannie are right.

She and I have talked on many occasions and the "why" question always arises. I have no solid answer as to why... only, it's who I am.

Guess about the only thing you can do is kinda go with the flow and take things as they come.

I'll bug her some more about doing some reading here and/or other places to maybe enlighten her more.

Lucky for me, I'm very easy going and let alot of things just roll off. My motto is "Don't take life too seriously... you'll never get out alive"

[Jeannie]

None of us get out alive Hon. We are born to die. I just finally figured out I might as well die happy than ringing my hands all the time worrying why I am who I am. Just be. It's great. If others don't like it. Too freaking bad! Hugs.

Love
Jeannie

PS. The only person you have to enlighten Paulie is yourself. I've been happier in the past year than I have been my whole life. It feels fabulous.

[Paulie]

I agree Jeannie....

I've been so much happier dressing more often, than I can remember. But, I do still have to walk that balance beam with my wife.

I'll just do it a day at a time..... seems to work for most things!!

Thanks so much to all who responded..... you girls are the BEST!!!

[Jeannie]

My wife left last October and I'm on the beam all by myself and loving it after 25 long,long years. If someone jumps up on the beam with me now and they they have a problem I say"Hey Hon. Look over there!" When they do I push them right off! Where I am Hon, I take no prisoners!


Love
Jeannie

PS. Maybe you'll get there or maybe you won't. But I'm definately there!

[Rose Darn]

Paulie
No truer words were ever spoken (written in this case).
Dealing with a wife of many years is never easy, and this issue she says is unfair to her (is this not unfair to me as well?) Compromise is not a one-sided concern.
With warm wishes,
Rose

I'll just do it a day at a time..... seems to work for most things!!

[Kira Dias]

Why push the envelope? If she accepts the fact you are doing it, then do it under the "out of sight, out of mind" theory, there is no need to rub her face in this. Yes, we should have equal opportunity to dress as we feel; however, at what point do you stop and give thanks for the fact that she accepts this and simply keep it out of her face? Your wife is not totally off base on this one; therfore, if it were me, I would listen. She's still feeling her way through this thing, just comply and avoid the tension.

[Paulie]

One major problem with your thoughts, Kira.

In my case, if it were "out of sight", I would never have the opportunity to dress at all.

She mostly works from home and hardly ever goes anywhere. That's a compromise I simply cannot do.

I'll work it out as we go along, but she will have to make some compromises on her side also.

[Jeannie]

Hi girls. Everyone has to do what they have to do in their own unique situation. For me,I was married 25 years and never happy. I told my wife Mini only last August about me and she was gone be october. I feel great! She wouldn't talk about,didn't want to see it and still doesn't even though we are still married and live in differant places and lead separate lives. For me at 55 I cannot live with someone who treats me like a child."You can dress when I'm not here. If you go out dressed I'll divorce you. Don't ever let the kids see you like that. " If you are the type of person who can put up with that fine. Knock yourself out. I can't and won't. It's fabulous being without a partner. Do I want one? At this point not in the least. My friends know about me, my kids are wonderful with it and after 55 years I'm happy being myself. Compromise? No freaking way! This is me. If you don't like it stay out of my life. That's just how I feel and finally I feel good. Making the people around you feel good at your expense always works. For them! It's your life. They live theirs and you should live yours. No one is going to tell me how I should dress. No one! That's just how I feel. Hugs


Love
Jeannie