Coping at home with my mom

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:16 pm

Ok, I'm going through issues with my mom about this at home. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about parents? More specifically my mom. I don't want there to be tension between us. I don't know, I don't want to put my mom down but she isn't being nice about it...

From my new member post:

I came here because I feel like no one around me understands me or wants to try to understand me. Except for my sister of course. She's so awsome, I can talk to her about anything. She let me wear one of her skirts lol.

But on the other hand my mom totally rejects crossdressing. She pretends to be accepting and understanding, but in reality, she isn't. It makes me mad, really mad. Because she was like "...well, your not going out to buy womens' clothes are you? Why don't you stay a straight male, a straight normal male?" and crossdressing/gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality. I wish there was some way I could talk to her to make her understand better.

Kari · Post by **Kari** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:17 am

It's difficult for a parent to see their child going down a road that they perhaps
dont understand, or don't agree with. From your age, i wouldn't think they're
very old but even so; your mum obviously has problems with you wanting to
be the way you do.

My only suggestion is that you dont go at it like a sledge-hammer. You are going
to have to stay calm, argue your case but don't escalate it into a full scale screaming
match.
You'll never win her over by those means, you may never win her over anyway.
But in a way, you'r more fortunate than a lot of others, the people around
you know.

It's just a question of getting them to accept that it's how you wish to live your life.

Good luck hun...

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:12 am

I suppose that's true. I guess I don't want to make them even more mad.

Post by **DonnaT** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:02 am

I posted this in your New Members thread:

Try not to be upset with your mother's lack of understanding. She's just trying to be protective.

Maybe you can print out the following web site and have her read more about being transgendered.

http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/ ... guide.aspx

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:14 pm

Thanks again. But yeah, I will probably talk to her and show her some stuff and she'll be ok with it.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:40 pm

Hi Dallas

Glad you found us here. Lots of great folks around to help you through this so don't despair.

As Kari said, no sense getting into a screaming match. She is only being protective, albeit with a genuine lack of understanding about the whole crossdressing thing. Spend time searching out some good resources and/or info on helping her understand and if she cares enough for you (as I'm sure she does) she'll hopefully come around in time as she gradually learns that crossdressing is not a bad thing. Different perhaps but not something to lose her son over. Be patient though.

The biggest plus for you is having an understanding sister and I would recommend recruiting her to help explain this to your Mom and/or be there with for support you when you have a deeper discussion with her down the road. If your Mom can see she is accepting, that could make a big difference. Good luck.

Stephanie

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:14 pm

Wow I never thought about having my sister help me out. Whoa! That's awsome. I really like that. Because if she's accepting, then why can't my mom be. But yeah, I'll show her some stuff that you guys gave to me. Don't get me wrong though, I may be a little mad at my mom sometimes but I still love her as she loves me the same. I don't want this to be an all out war. I guess that isn't going anywhere.

I'm just going to do some research. Wikipedia.org wasn't really good though, it just talked about the subject as a whole and the positive, negative and the controversial side as well. That really isn't a good source. I like the helping and support sites though, those are really good.

By the way, I ment to say my mom because I don't think that I could ever face my dad about this. He's very anti-everything he doesn't see as "Normal". He doesn't even live with us anymore. My parents are devorced.

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Mon Sep 11, 2006 10:40 pm

Dallas,

We have so much in common, except I never had a supportive sister.

Back in 1966, there was no Internet, and my parents were divorcing. I never did tell my dad, and I never did get my mother to understand. She tricked me into thinking she did, then she stole the dress she gave me back again - Indian-giver style.

What I had to do was to become super secretive. She believes what she wants to believe, and yet I am still a crossdresser, and I always will be. It may be sad. At age 84 and in the nursing home after her stroke, my mother can hardly stop me from crossdressing now, but she would cut me out of her will just to be mean. So we just don't ever discuss it. When she brings it up - and talks about how I "outgrew it", I just smile and nod my head. I hate lying, but with her totally inflexible attitude, what's the point of being open with her?

I hope you have better luck, and much more support along the way.

Hugs,

Bernice

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 6:39 am

Wow nice story. I wish it woulda worked out better for you. But I really want my mom to understand. But I also don't want that slight tension either. I want it to be peaceful.

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 12:16 pm

Here's another site you may find useful, from the Links forum

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 3:16 pm

Thanks Donna. I like that one the best. The thing is though, it's only a geocities site. I'm surprised. Usually very informative sites like that are domained (http://www.yahoo.com for example).

But it has some really neat stuff on there. I saw they had a dummies guide for people like me lol. This is awsome. I feel like I'm ready to order something from http://www.amazon.com already. But I think I'll wait.

But about my mom, I'm going to try to reason with her tonight. I'm not going to be all getting mad and stuff, but I don't want her to do the same, if you know what I mean. I just don't want this turning into a big drama fest where we are both yelling. And I really hope my dad doesn't come by today, cuz just me and my mom live here, and I really don't think I'll ever be able to face my dad.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 7:52 pm

Good luck tonight Dallas. Try not to worry about your Dad right now, just focus on talking to your Mom first and take it from there. One of the crucial elements to discussing this with another person where you hope they can accept you for who you are, is ensuring that you have reached a point, whereby you have achieved acceptance of yourself first. If you don't have that, (or are still working on it) it's hard to expect someone else to accept you. It just makes the situation more confusing.

Having some good resource material for her to read at some point, specifically addressing what she is most concerned about, will give her an opportunity at her leisure to work on alleviating some of her fears. Remember, your sister can help immensely so don't try and carry too much on your shoulders. Above all, take it slowly with Mom and show her how much you love her, even if she seems unwilling to deal with your CDing right now. She may just need time to get her head around it.

Best of luck.

Stephanie

Dallas · Post by **Dallas** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 9:38 pm

Well... it didn't go so hot. She's not even trying to make an effort to understand. I'll just let lay for now.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:10 pm

Hi, Dallas -

I'm really sorry that things didn't work out so well with you and your Mom tonight, but that's okay, too! Let it rest for a while, and in the meantime, educate yourself (and your sister), and use this time to better understand who you really are - - makes sense?

Keep the lines of communication open with your Mom, don't be afraid to let your sister help, and when the time is right to discuss this with Mom again, you will know it. And you will have more information so that you can calmly talk with her.

Don't forget, as our own Virginia says, "Baby steps, always baby steps."

- SL

Loy B(SO) · Post by **Loy B(SO)** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 7:42 am

Dallas

I have to agree with SL maybe let things calm down for a little while and take the time to educate yourself and gain a better knowledge of the subject.One thing to keep in mind- your Mom is not only having to deal with the issue of her son crossdressing, but the fact that her little boy is growing up which can be very difficult for a mother.It can be scary when your child comes to you with such "adult issues" and you realize that they are no longer a child,but a young man.Give it some time and keep your line of communication open with her.