How many of your closest friends know about your CD

[Penni SO]

Hello all you lovely goddesses,

Yes another topic of interest for me,it helps me to talk to others,who ring me for a shoulder to cry on....

Can you tell me who are the persons to whom you are closest ?,How many of them know about your gender difference?What are your beliefs about having them know/not to know?


hugs from penni

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I've come out the several friends as mentioned in this thread because I'd prefer not to have to compartmentalize my life any more. (Things like not having to cover up what I did last weekend, etc.)

I live in a socially liberal area, so while I'm sure my friends see it as eccentric, people are generally pretty tolerant round these parts. Which may or may not be true of where other folks live. (I'm still working up the courage to tell my mother, but Anita's "After I'm gone..." thread really made me think.) OTOH, I still do have some concerns about the potential impact on my livelihood -- I'm a consultant and somewhat known in the field, so I'm still being judicious about who I tell. (It's probably no big deal, but one never knows....)

Which is why I included my standard disclaimer: "This was right thing to do for me. It may or may not be right for others. Your mileage may vary."

Incidentally, I've started including this disclaimer about any sort of public outing. Why? Because after a discussion of the cheerleading/pressure/whatever you want to call it that CDs can experience from some TSs (i.e. the tranny hierarchy), I realized there can be that same dynamic going on between "public CDs" and closeted CDs, and I've been guilty of it myself. I do think SOs have a right to know, but as long as you're happy then I think it doesn't matter individually whether you're out or not.

(Collectively, it would be better if more of us were out, since societal attitudes won't change until they see lots of "normal" CDs who aren't stereotype that people imagine. But especially because of my own situation, I appreciate the scariness of being the trailblazer who might end up with arrows in one's back.)

[Nina Femrite]

I found it a poignant question, "Who amongst my friends know that I'm a crossdresser?". The answer is simple and sad: None. Could this be a comment on the quality of my friendships? Perhaps. Could it be a comment on my ability to trust others? Maybe. The bottom line is that I protect my second identity with extensive measures. I am nearly panic-stricken when I think that somehow I might be 'discovered'. For example, even though there's a crossdresser's organization in my home town, I still drive 150 miles to attend a monthly meeting. Yet, I think I realize that most of my friends and aquaintances would merely shrug, roll their eyes and snicker once I've turned my back. Regardless, it makes for a troubled life style. My continued state of anxiety, my relentless feeling of repression and my own self doubt are hard to live with for as long as I have. As a business man, I calculate the risks I take against the potential benefits. But the benefits of disclosing my crossdressing are so ephemeral and carry the risk of being completely ostracized that it makes for a very complex equation. Yes, it would all be easier if my wife was supportive but she's not. She hates my crossdressing and though she says she loves me, I think there's times when she hates me. So, back to the original question: How many people know I'm a crossdresser? My wife, dozens of psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed social workers, and, of course, all of you.

[Kira Dias]

Coming out is FAR too overrated, it would be so much easier to just keep this among/within ourselves. We realize that this is a harmless part of who we are, but the rest of the world thinks we are freaks. Forget the killers, rapist, and thieves in the world; crossdressing is the least accepted for no reason other than it permits the opportunity to question gender. Finally, when I think of the money it could cost me, coming out is not worth any of the hassle.

[Virginia]

Well Penni, since you are new and I don't want to take up to much of your time, I will start with this. I have three friends and all three know. My SO knows and boy can she take advantage of it!!!!
The other two are my training partner and her SO. A little over a year ago my training partner asked me to consider taking care of her mother who has "mulit-infarct dementia." I thought seriously about it not something that I thought I would be skilled at! My way out was,"Don't you think she would be more comfortable with a woman taking care of her?" I then got the greatest compliment I guess any of us could get: "Well, your a woman aren't you?" Yes, my training partner knows and is very very accepting wouldn't you say????? Oh, yes I do take care of her mother now and I love it!!!!! Without Virginia it would never have happened. When my training partner and her SO became an item I was so happy for them, but I was concerned about how her SO would accept me, she said, "Well, just ask her!" I did and she thought that was just TOO COOL! Now all three of us share just like girls are suppose to, I mean, what we bought, how certan things fit or don't fit, styles etc. Now when I go to a Powerlifting meet I have not only two coaches, but the two best looking ones there. Soon I will have three very cute coaches,-- who could ask for more!?We have been out as a threesome a couple of times but I feel like the odd - girl out, so we have not been out much lately. They are just so much in love it brings tears to my eyes to see them so happy with each other, it is truly a beautiful thing to see!!!!!!
I would be out even more, but until this divorce is finalized, I don't want to "rock the boat" so to speak. My wife's attorney has already defined me in the initial decree as "an insane pervert!" Such a nice person!!!
Love ,
Virginia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Penni,

All my friends know (including my SO); all my family members know; all my colleagues know; I don't even hide it from strangers.

I've never made any special effort to hide this side of me in my adult life (although, to be honest, however much they may know about "her," many people have not seen "Christina"). In fact, just the opposite is true; I've made a lot of effort in making my CD'ing known to others. Living in the shadows was slowly killing me.

Upon learning of my femme side, some folks were initially surprised, some were incredulous, some were curious or intrigued, some (a very few) wished I hadn't told them, but most were indifferent (as in, "Really, who cares as long as you're happy?").

It's been a trip.

Love,
CJ

[Gaven McLaren]

More and more of my friends are finding out. I have a lot of friends and they are slowly finding out. Like I have posted here recentlly I am thinking about coming out to pretty much everybody at once. I am thinking about posting it to my blog on myspace. If I do I will post a link here so that everybody can read the post. It is not one of those things I am going to do hastily as it will have major implications in my life.

[Jaye]

Truth be told, I don't have all that many close friends. All of my coworkers know, and most of my neighbors. My local library staff know, the folks at State Farm, and of course the crew at both of the local Torrid stores. I'm out to my parents, but they've asked me to keep that information hidden from the rest of the clan, especially my young and impressionable cousins, nieces and nephews. My sister-in-law knows, and that about it.

Reactions range from acceptance to "TMI", and hit all points in between, but I haven't hit a lot of negativity.

[DonnaT]

One friend (not already a CD herself) knows, my SO, my kids and my mom know.

I have a few people I consider to be friends that are Trans.

If I had a need to let anyone else know, they'd know, if my wife would let me tell them.

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Donna and everyone who has contributed to this topic.

How did those of you find the courage to tell so many people.
I wish so deep in my heart that my Femme could gain the courage to tell others.It's really devastating to the soul,when you have to lie about things.
I personally think our friends and family would still love my husband as much as I do,and I know they will have the same respect.
How can I help my femme to gain the courage.

Hugs Penni

[DonnaT]

I reckon it's because I'm not ashamed or embarrased about being trans. The only thing to be scared of is losing a friend/relationship, but what kind of friend are they if they turm away fromyou just because you are trans.

I'm simply determined not to be a slave to anyone else's opinion of me.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Penni - - Thank you for asking such though-provoking questions of the CD's, and I as a GG am learning from everyone's responses, too!!

I reckon it's because I'm not ashamed or embarrased about being trans. The only thing to be scared of is losing a friend/relationship, but what kind of friend are they if they turn away from you just because you are trans.

I'm simply determined not to be a slave to anyone else's opinion of me.

Donna, I think that your statements said it all - - especially the last line - - and IMHO, that's the way that *everyone* should live their lives!!



- SL

[Virginia]

Penni, You asked about "sharing" with others. Well I too agree with my sister Donna 'wise beyond her years - she is!!!" (Love you, Donna!) Anyway to me, the more I learn and study and experience what Virginia brings to my life the more I am an ardent believer that it is truly a 'GIFT!" I will wax philosophical if I may for a moment - nothing that has not been said in various ways before. We = crossdressers are on a continuum from those who may only wear one piece of clothing or whatever only once in a great while to those who are in the process of making the step to another plateau - the actual physcial alterations. NO one place on this continuum is any better or worse than any other, it is just where that particular sister happens to be. Some are static some are moving from one place to another. NO right or wrong here!!!! It is just where you are. So to share this or not share this with "others" will place a person at that particular place on our continuum, no right or wrong!!!! If they choose to share then they have moved from one place on the continuum to another, again, no right or wrong, just personal choice. So influenced by whatever factor(s) that persuade us to do what we do will simply place us at that point!! Does you SO "need" to "come out?" Who knows, will it affect anything -surely it will! How, who, what, when????? It is simply a place they have or will arrive at on this "trip around the sun!" A sister's place on the continuum is her choice, static or not, but the real beauty of it TO ME is just having a place!!!
Son't know it this helps, but.............................
Love,
Virginia
PS: I am loving my "Magical Mystery Tour" and I hope all my sisters are loving theirs!

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I'm simply determined not to be a slave to anyone else's opinion of me.

Exactly.

[Sally]

For the first 21 years of my life as far as I’m aware nobody knew of what I did or the struggle which I had just keeping myself ‘afloat’ with what was going on inside me.

The first people I ever told were two young fellows my own age who were my closest friends at Uni. At that stage of my life I was on the edge with one foot hanging over and they actually confronted me and demanded to know what was driving me downhill so fast. Telling them all was what I needed at that stage of my life to bring me back on an even keel, and to this day we all remain the closest of friends, and indeed once or twice a year the three of us meet up in Melbourne and we spend a weekend together, and for all intents and purposes we’re just two men and a woman going about the town. For many years we’ve met on the last Saturday in September and go to the AFL football Grand Final, which is coming up Saturday week.

Over the years the clothing became less and less a substitute for satisfying what was a deeper need inside me, and as that progressed, the need to ‘let her free’ took over to the stage where my quality of life and that of those close to me was suffering. Nowadays those who I consider close friends all know, and those I never told I considered didn’t need to know, but if they find out then it’s of no consequence. I consider myself very fortunate in the fact that my wife accepted me and doesn’t have a problem about it all, excepting that she isn’t comfortable with me taking female hormones from a health point of view, and she also is truthful in that if I ever had surgery then she can give no guarantees as to how she would deal with that.

Thankfully we both seem to have found an acceptable balance and for the last few years life has taken on a new meaning for me. Included in the reasons for this is the fact that I no longer live a lie to those who are important in my life, also being honest with myself and coming out from behind that dark screen gave life a new meaning. It’s taken away any stress I felt, being free means I no longer experience that build up of anger at being suppressed and that eliminates those times which used to happen when the ‘dam walls burst’. Living under a cloud is no way to enjoy life and it come to the point where decisions just had to be made, albeit as hard as they were sometimes we have to bite the bullet and dig deep to find the inner strength to make the decisions which will make our lives better and that of those around us who we love and love us.

I realize that this course of action is not for everyone and there are those people who can comfortably live with ‘their secret’, but for some of us the need is greater than we can bear.
For me it started with coming to terms that this is how it is and it’s never going to change, so what was I going to do about it. Obviously, for me keeping on living as I had been wasn’t the answer as the stress was getting me down badly, so what I did was face the fact that I was never going to change and I wasn’t capable of keeping my needs under control, then it was a case of deciding what I could or couldn’t do without and what was I going to do about it. I did seek the help of a TS and two CD’s and from spending considerable time with them I came to the decision that I had to ‘come out’ or else drift deeper and deeper into a dark hole, which would only have ended in depression and made life more uncomfortable for all of us.
Coming out changed my life and I became the person I always knew I should be. That doesn’t only include the gender side of things, it also includes being a more rounded person who is happier and enjoys and lives life as it was meant to be. This has also radiated to my wife and family as for some years now I ceased to be that uptight, wound up person who was always ready to explode, and even the cat doesn’t scatter when I walk in. LOL…..

I think it’s vital that each of us work out what it is exactly that we seek and need, and then decide the best way to obtain this for our benefit and that of those who we love and love us. It means we have to give and take to some degree and as in any compromise situation, nobody is going to get 100% of what they ask for, so it’s a case of deciding what’s most important in our lives and then sitting down and talking it out with the people who need to be consulted, and not just hearing them, but listening to them. Hearing is a natural gift, listening is an acquired art.
We can liken it to food and drink because we need both to survive, but we can decide what we eat, where we eat it, how often and so on, and that way we compromise and survive as we need with what, where, how much etc.
It applies to the need to express and fulfill needs such as CDing or something deeper, as is my case. If we’re honest and willing to see other peoples points of view we can usually find the right balance and compromises, whereby all concerned get most of what they ask for, but if we plough ahead in a selfish manner without considering others then nothing will ever be achieved to make peoples lives better. In my case I would love nothing better in life than to ‘go all the way’, but weighing it all up, what I’d gain wouldn’t compromise for what I may lose with the woman I love so dearly and need.

Compromise has worked for us and usually does for most people. If there is true love in the air then usually a way can be found if people are honest with each other and themselves. I’ve found that with my wife and family beside me there isn’t anything which I can’t face, and I would never do anything to put this at risk. It’s a matter of deciding which is most important, what can one do or not do without in life, then talking it through with the people important to us and working through their concerns or queries. Talk is a wonderful thing if it’s open and honest, when we overcome our fears and sit down in an open honest discussion we can often find that our fears and worries are unfounded. We can often build a false picture of how we believe someone will receive ‘our news’ and what their reaction will be, many times it’s the opposite to what we expect. If we don’t ask we’ll never ever know, but it all gets back to who needs to know and if anyone does at all. Each situation varies and needs to be dealt with on a need to know basis, and the needs of each of us. It does take courage to tell, but on the other hand most of us at some time in our life live with fear and from fear courage is born.

Kind Regards,

Sally.