Going to have "the talk"

[Jill S]

Old story. Started young, Though it was over, fell in love and married a very spiecal women. We have been together for 23 years and I didn't tell her when it started back. My teenage system of, Dress-guilt-denial has worked so well for so many years and now at 47 it is falling apart. I can't sleep well latly and started crying yesterday at work for no reason ( good thing nobody was around the shop). She is with her mother & sister on a mini vacation and comes home this weekend. I plan to wait a few days so she can unvaction and then tell her. No idea how this will go. She is very careing and has forgiven much over the years but is very big on honesty. Don't have any questons just had to talk/vent before I come unglued. Thank you all for being here, not sure what I would do if I was totally alone with this.
Jill

[Jess(SO)]

Jill,
you might find this helpful to look at before you tell your wife. Sharon posted it about a month ago

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=107

good luck and let us know how you got on

Jess (so)

[DonnaT]

Keep us in mind when you tell your wife. You might want to ask her to join as well.

Good luck.

[Anita]

Hi Jill-
My thoughts are with you on this one. If it is starting to affect you, then it's good you know what you have to do. There's not much time this morning, but I wanted to get this out.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Jill -

I wish you the best when you tell your wife, but be prepared for lots of the usual questions - are you gay, do you want the surgery, etc. and the most important question, "what's in it for me?" Have information - books, this web site - available for her to help with her acceptance and understanding.

I've always been a firm believer that you *owe* it to your SO to tell her as soon as possible about your being a CD. True, some don't realize they are CD for many, many years because they've repressed it, suppressed it, ignored it, thought it would go away, whatever. However, as soon as you've realized that you are CD it is your responsibility and obligation to let your SO know. She has a right to decide if this is something that she can accept and embrace (as do I with my CD), tolerate, out-of-sight-out-of-mind, or just flat-out not accept in any form. But remember, she has the right to make that decision, and you cannot force her to change nor should you give her a hard time if her answer is not acceptable.

Hopefully, your SO will be willing to learn and understand more about Jill and what makes Jill, Jill. Your SO is more than welcome to join our forum, we GG's/SO's have a private place for posting that is off-limits to the CD's, and there is a lot of valuable information here in the archives, for the CD and the SO. If your wife joins, make sure she uses an '(SO)' with her name so she can be given immediate access to the SO section of the forum.

We wish you the best when you do tell your SO - - and do let us know how it went.



- SL

[Jill S]

Thank you all soo much for the support. I know there is the possiablity I will chicken out but I don't think so. I must say most here seem far more comfortable with themself than I am. Three years from 50 and I feel emotionaly about 5. Is it normal to have such a strong denial/coping thing? Untill about a year ago I never thouht about what I was doing after I changed back to male attire. Really out of sight-out of mind and than I went looking for answers to the "Why do I" & "What's the cure ? I guess admiting I'm a Transvestite is half the battle, I hope the other half is less painfull.

[Sally]

Hi Jill,

Some people need to tell, others don’t, but it’s not uncommon for the need to intensify as we get around the 50 years of age mark. There’s been many suggestions as to why this occurs, not the least being the ‘male menopause’ ( which is a very misleading term) as testosterone levels can begin to wane around that time, sooner for some, later for others, and this can effect men emotionally to varying degrees, or it can just be that mentally some people start to think about time running out to be able to do the things they’ve wanted to do during their younger years.

I’m a firm believer that if we run and hide then we can become our own worst enemy and once we start running from the truth then all the negatives just compound until we become so emotional it begins to disturb our day to day life. I believe that first we have to accept that we’re the way we are, and that the way it is, is the way it is and will never change. If we don’t face the facts and accept ourselves as the whole person we really are, then maybe we can’t expect others to accept those facts about us either, first things first maybe?

If we can accept the truth about ourselves, then things such as self denial disappear and then we begin to think more clearly about where we want to be with it all. I’m also a believer that we need to map out in our mind what it is exactly that we wish to achieve. What it is exactly what we want to be able to do. How far do we really want to go with it? Often one of the most sought after things is just to be able to share ‘it’ with someone else, someone who is close to us, maybe it’s a form of a need to have someone tell us it’s alright to be this way. Doubts as to how that other person will accept it can conjure up so many negatives inside our mind, and the fear of rejection and loss can play havoc in the old brain box. It’s very understandable that we want to share something as personal and demanding with someone close to us and often our fears are ill founded, but it can be useful to first find out discreetly how the person we want to reveal to feels about people such as ourselves.

From my experiences I believe it’s best to have a clear picture in your mind of what you’re going to say. Pick your time when you’re both in a relaxed frame of mind and there’s just the two of you and no likelihood of being disturbed, so that you can have discussion time if she wants to talk it out. Your wife may want this or she may take time to think it through and get back to you, people react differently, but where there is true love there is every possibility that the result you’re wanting will come true.

I wish you well with a difficult task and a testing time. I know somewhat of what’s going on inside you as I’ve been there done that with the result which even blew me away, and I must admit that revealing all to my wife and family took our lives to a new level. It did take time and we had issues to work through over many months, but with many hours of talking and working through those issues and eventually finding the right balance in our day to day lives with it all, has been worth every tear drop. One thing I did find very useful was the advice I was given at the time of not to overload her with information initially because there’s enough to absorb just in the fact of what we’ve been doing over the years, so I just simply told it as it was and had been all my life, I then told her to ask me anything she wanted and we went from there.
I wish you well.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Bernice]

An excellent treatise on coming out to your wife is

"Tell it To My Heart: When Talking to Your SO, Focus on Feelings"
© 2006 Marla Morley

Which can be found at http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41201

But for the copyright, I would have just copied it here. Not advertising for the other site, I just wanted to spread the wisdom. I hope I didn't break any rules.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Jill S]

Thank you Bernice. I found that site sometime ago but rereading helped. I'm rereading Helen Boyds(sp?) book while waiting for her to come home, kind scary in parts. I find myself going from very calm and relaxed about this to crying. I'm usually not very emotional and this rollercoaster is such a wierd feeling. Sorry for rambeling, no were else to turn for a few more days.

[Anita]

Jill--
I'm sorry you have to sit on this. Waiting can be very painful in these circumstances. I think I can safely say that no matter what else happens, you will have a positive experience from releasing yourself from the secret. You have no idea how much energy it takes to keep it hidden, until you're no longer paying that price.

[Bernice]

Now re-posted with permission from Marla herself (who is also a member here)...

Tell it To My Heart: When Talking to Your SO, Focus on Feelings

“When my husband Brad came out to me about his crossdressing, he must have given me a dozen reasons why I should accept it,” says Claire, a physician’s assistant in her mid-forties who has been married to Brad for ten years. “He talked about how men historically wore wigs and tights, and how prior to this century, little boys used to wear girls’ clothing up until the age of five. I remember him saying that women wear pants, so it should be okay for men to wear skirts too. I just sat there feeling numb. I couldn’t argue with his logic, but inside I was screaming: what is going to happen to our marriage?”

There are many excellent arguments that can be made in defense of crossdressing, and in the years I’ve spent getting to know crossdressers and their partners, I think I must have heard them all. What’s more, I agree with most of them: what rational person wouldn’t? Our culture’s taboos against male to female cross-gender expression make no sense at all when examined under the harsh light of reason. But regardless of how clever or persuasive these arguments might be, one thing is certain: playing the logic card is not likely to help you in your quest to gain acceptance from your significant other. Facts and evidence may win you points in a public debate, but in a relationship, it’s feelings that count.

For most women, finding out that their husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser is an emotional bombshell. Claire explains, “I was in shock. I felt bewildered, betrayed, frightened. Everything I thought I knew about my husband was suddenly in question. What I needed to know from him was what this meant for me, for us. Why did he feel the need to dress in women’s clothes? Was I not woman enough for him? Was he interested in men? Was he going to leave me? These were the questions I needed answered. Even now, years later, I still need reassurance sometimes.”

I think most crossdressers understand that their partners struggle with acceptance primarily on an emotional, rather than an intellectual, level. But some still make the mistake of thinking that if only they could somehow “prove” that what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, their wife or girlfriend would have to accept it. In fact, most women’s problems with crossdressing have nothing to do with the belief that it is “wrong.” Although some may voice religious or moral objections, their real concerns usually lie elsewhere. In order to help your partner resolve her emotional issues, you will need to find out what her specific fears are, and exactly what it is about your dressing that makes her uncomfortable.

It is never a good idea to try to “win” an argument with your partner, particularly when the emotional stakes are high. When there is conflict, both parties should focus on empathizing with the other and reaching a mutual understanding – not on proving who is right and who is wrong. And yet I still come across well meaning, but ultimately destructive advice like this on internet crossdressing forums:

EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO SAY

"Remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are men’s. So why should she mind you wearing women’s things once in a while?"

"I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfriends. Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? A thong is a thong!"

"The Romans were wearing togas and the Scotsmen were wearing kilts long before modern women were wearing skirts. Has she ever seen Braveheart? How about Troy? Ask her why is it okay for Mel Gibson and Brad Pitt to wear skirts, but you can’t?"

"Tell her that many major sports stars shave their bodies. It is not unusual for a man to be hair-free these days."

"A lot of male pop stars wear makeup and feminine styles. Go through her music collection and show her how many of her favorite CDs have images of crossdressed men on the cover."

"Remind her that there are a lot of worse things you could be into – like gambling, drinking, or cheating on her. Maybe she will realize that she should be counting her blessings."

"Point out to her that in the animal kingdom, it’s the males who have the bright colors and fancy plumage to attract a mate. Why should it be any different for humans?"


By contrast, my advice is: ask her how she is feeling and what is making her feel that way, and go from there. Is she worried that the children will find out? Is she afraid that your job will be at risk? Is she feeling resentful about the time your crossdressing takes away from the family? Is she irritated that you buy more clothes than she does? Is she finding it hard to relate to you when you’re in girl mode? Is she feeling threatened by the fact that you chat to other T-girls online? Is she concerned that you might want to start taking hormones or feminizing your body?

If you approach the subject like a debate, you will never encourage her to open up about what’s really bothering her; but once you start discussing the root cause of her feelings about your dressing, you can work on finding a solution together. Logical arguments have their place, but when it comes to healing a rift in your relationship, there is no substitute for a heart-to-heart talk.

© 2006 Marla Morley

Thanks again Marla!

Hugs,

Bernice