Heading out of control?

[Leah]

"Lo all...

Dunno if this is a really a problem or not, but I feel I need to talk about it some...

Lately, over the past few months, I've gotten to where I dress daily...Now, I'm to the point where I get a little edgy if I'm in a situation where I have to remove my breast forms...I mean, the feelings are so strong now that I just don't want to live any other way...

Living as a woman feels like the way I'm supposed to live...I feel more confident, relaxed and focused...I tend to get more done, etc... It just plain feels like it's more of who I really am...

I've never ventured out in public fully dressed, I always wear something that makes me less obvious when I'm not in my truck and driving (where I'm dressed daily)... But, I'm always dressed "underneath"...

Recently, I find myself doing things more and more bold that I used to be so scared of...Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control...Or maybe that I really do want to lose control and just totally head the way to living fulltime as a woman...

I recently took the COGIATI test and ranked Stage 4 with a 130 score of probable transexual...Odd thing is I took this test a long time ago and scored that I was just basically a CD and now I'm heading to TS...I answered the questions truthfully and oddly was relieved that I could be a possible candidate for SRS...The prior time I took the test if fit me and now oddly it fits me again in the frame of mind or being that I'm currently in...

I'm wanting to start Hormone therapy and see where it takes me...I'm having difficulty finding counseling for this in the Phoenix area tho...If anyone could help that would be a blessing...The only thing that scares me in this is the lack of support...Going a course at this alone in not a fun thought...

Well, anyhoo, thats' kinda where I am...Any feedback would be great...

Leah*

[Anita]

Leah, having those feelings makes for a difficult situation, especially if you've never dressed in public. Because at some point, if you start using hormones, you're going to have to begin public dressing. You might as well start testing the waters by going out fully dressed, before you committ yourself to anything else.

It's the part of the transition that you can do right now, and since it would be a part of any bigger plans, why not see how it affects you? I realize this is a big step, but transition plans are an even bigger step, and they're going to involve this one.

[Sally]

Hi Leah,

First up, have you ever thought of contacting the Phoenix Transgender Support Group, their website address is http://members.aol.com/jessicaash/phoenixtgs.html

It’s always a good start I feel when someone gets into the frame of mind which you’re presently in just to be able to talk one on one with someone who fully knows where you’re coming from, it's worth its’ weight in gold, and if you read through their website I’m sure you’ll see they are a genuine quality support group.

I believe that as time passes the thing which motivates us more and more to think like you presently are is fear, and I’m not just talking about the fear of the unknown or being found out, or detected and abused and all those fears which go with it, but the fear that time is passing us by.

The longer we go without being able to realize our needs and ambitions, the fear of staying as we were becomes much greater than anything the fear of others or the unknown can throw at us. Fear can work against us and it can work for us, in my case it was the fear of staying as I had always been which drove me to take positive action to effect changes in myself and my life, and from then on it has been like ‘heaven on earth’. Maybe you need to explore the choices available to you and you can make this happen for you too, and that’s why I suggest you contact the Support Group and take it from there. If you don’t do something positive then you’ll never ever know what your true vocation was meant to be.

Life is one big learning curve and there comes a time in our lives when we just have to face our fears head on. Fear drives our needs, so we can make it work for us and not against us, but to do that we have to take that first step because nobody is going to come to us, we have to initiate that first step and deal with it, one action, one moment, one day at a time, and it all starts with us saying from today I’m going to make something happen so that my life will get better.

I’m not sure of you’re personal circumstances regarding wife, children, family etc, all those are considerations needed to be addressed on a personal needs basis, but we do all have the right to live to our own expectations. We have the right to freedom of expression in dress, beliefs, lifestyle and thinking. We do have the rights to freedom of choice without the express fear of being rebuked, criticized, abused or humiliated and we have the right to actively creative and be adventurous.
We have to be allowed to make our mistakes without being condemned for doing so, and we have to have the opportunity to learn from those mistakes and gain experience.
We have the right to the pleasure of just being ourselves and not being someone based on a superficial perspective of a societal construct, we have the right to enjoy an independent lifestyle, personal privacy and respect and freedom of movement without dear of obstruction.
We have the right to be respected as a human being irrespective of our race, colour, creed, nationality,, gender, sexual preference, class or social status, education, ability or mental capacity and we have the right to be unique where it’s justified.
We have the right to a guarantee of choice regarding self isolation or social inclusion, as suits the needs or desires of each individual.
Above all we have the right to love and be loved, to learn and understand and to be taken seriously for who we are and what we think. We’re not a novelty or something for other peoples misplaced humour or derision and we have the right to be free from judgementalism, scrutiny and intrusion.
So, hold your head high and make some positive decisions to take steps to at least explore finding some definite solutions to what is running around in your head at the moment.

Taking opposite sex hormones is something which needs careful consideration and needs to be prescribed by a professional medic well versed in their use. They can work for you or against you depending on your personal circumstances. In my case they changed my life completely for the better, but I believe before you get to thinking about them you need to clarify things in your mind, and for that, finding help is paramount at this stage.

I wish you well in a difficult time in your life, but sometimes things have to get a whole heap worse before we're motivated to making positive decisions and changes in our lives.
Remember, out of fear is born courage, one goes hand in hand with the other, but it’s up to you, and only you to take that first step and either send an email or pick up the phone.

Keep smiling. , you've now taken that first step in admitting to yourself that you need help, but I believe you need more than just talking about it here, but this is the first step and you've achieved that, so keep going. Don't place too much faith in any results of a test such as the Cogiati, but at least it's got you thinking and that's a positive.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Leah]

Anita...Thank you...

You're absolutely right...I guess in my Taurean nature I tend to think wholehog about maticulously solving everything to the finest detail...I need to slow down a bit here and concentrate at a reasonable pace what, how and when I need to do things...

Overall, I was thinking the hormone thing would help to achieve certain aspects of "the look" in conjunction with electrolosis, etc...Again, my maticulous nature won't allow me to attempt something as difficult as this without coming off as flawlessly as possible, altho I'm not too naive to know that there is soooo much to really learn...There WILL be issues to confront...

Again, thank you

Leah*

[Leah]

Sally?...Wow...Doublewow...Smack me to close my jaw...You hit so many points right on the head that I'm numb...

Let me begin by thanking you greatly for the link...All of the support groups I could locate had their sites shut down, etc, having me thinking that local support was going to be much more difficult to locate...

First big wow...And the solid hit on the nail was indeed "time"... Over a year ago, I finally pieced this side of me together completely and accept who I am fully...I embrace it...I feel blessed...I feel I've been giving a wonderful gift instead of an ugly curse...I felt "whole" for the first time in my life...I came out to my GG friend last fall...It was difficult, but I knew it was right and honest of me to do...All in all it went extremely well with her full support...Since then however, not due to this issue, I've decided to part ways with her...I had even dressed with her, so I guess in an extremely small way I did dress and not be alone with it...Oddly, I had zero embarrassment and felt completely comfortable with it...

But, as time progresses, I feel that time is running out just like you'd mentioned...I don't want to die this way feeling torn...I want to feel whole and complete...Trust me, as I'm sure you can appreciate, I've thought about my identity for immense periods of time...I truly feel that "inside" I'm truly feminine, but have had to play the part with whats' been given me on the "outside"...

You're so exactly right on the steps I need to take...Altho I know in my heart what destination I wish to arrive at...But I'm also not a fool to know that I need to stop and listen and really, really think hard about what I'm going to have to confront...I've thought long and hard about who I need to tell...My closest friends, my son and daughter, work, etc...

Honestly I think I kind of have an ideal situation to ultimately make things work...My closest friends oddly are where there could be a coin toss on which way it could go...But, really deep down, I don't think I could ever lose them...It would just be a period of adjustment of course...My children, I believe would fully support me...Our love is very deep and close...I'm single now, so no SO is really involved...I don't even feel at this point that I truly need one...But, you know how that goes, it could of course change....My work?, piece of cake on a transition...I work over the road for 5 to 6 weeks at a time alone, with no co-worker potential perils...Heck, most everyone doesn't know who I am anyway, lol...

Then, I look at the possible benefits, hehe...(pardon me while I attempt some humor)...With hormone therapy, my hair will thicken!...I'll stop balding!...My prostrate will shrink and lesson that coming issue!, LOL...My body hair will diminish...My skin will soften...My fat distribution will fall more where it needs to be on the hips, thighs and fanny, lol...I'm already sterile so thats' not an issue...

But seriously...You're so right on the first step is talking...Finding a group that I can get involved in...To find a therapist I can start seeing...Then, and only then will I make the move to start on my merry way...When all things have been talked and sorted out, over and over...

In my case in going out public, I'm the sort of person who has to have everything just right...I would want my voice working confidently...My makeup just right...My mannerisms not exaggerated...My look with few flaws...When I first come out, I with it to be with as little challenges as possible...I know of course that there will indeed be them, because practice is essential, but I hope to minimize them and not rush into a tirade of complete humiliation and the resulting depression and rehashment all over of who I'd hope to be....I guess it's that "play to win" kind of philosophy...

Sally, deep from my heart, thank you so much...I am so touched by the time you spent and the words which rang so true over and over...

Leah*