Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hiya gang,

Curly's SO here, the one who doesn't pen much wisdom on these fair pages!

I think that my post count amounts to 3, YES FOLKS, a BIG 3 posts!

Well, today I need to rant, no, strike that, I need to get things off my chest, lol!

It's been months since I could really get myself in 'tune' if ya get where I'm coming from? A drought of CD'ing, you could say.

I dunno if Curly has said before but I'll briefly re-iterate: My step daughter knows about my CD'ing, because I told her.... Great! But I don't dress fully in front of her and just pay lip service to my needs to balance what I believe is acceptable to her (my mistake, I'm sure). First and foremost of importance is her education, and to these ends she is home now 24/7, for months. Now, PLEASE don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and am fully suportive of her. Period - end of.

However, I could bloody SCREAM because I am so pent up now! lol. Curly, as you all know, is a total goddess insofar as everything is concerned, and I have just been chatting to her to get things off my chest. She suggested I rant here - well, at least make an attempt at reconciliation with myself and pen my feelings before I go "POP".

Claustrophobia of my male guise? I never was good at analogies! I am becoming allergic to my male self and wanna go sulk somewhere in a big fluffy sweater, my wig, forms and some nice underwear, a gorgeous skirt and KILLER heels! After Curly has done my make up of course.

What kills me most - take today for example; is that I had chance to peruse the high street whilst out. So many nice, pretty and feminine things to behold. I wanted EVERYTHING! in all sizes too. LOL.

It made me realise that ya just cannot keep it (CD'ing) down without a tidal wave of ressurgence every now and then.

To go back to my step daughter: She matters most whilst her education is in full force, (and beyond, of course) but please, for the love of all things on sales in boutiques, sometimes ya just gotta scream in a quite corner. (Or publically on a forum, which is very similar! ) Heheh....

Work is stressful and I won't bang on there. CD'ing need is just getting stronger and stronger, although that in itself is tollerable (NO, fantastic!) IF you can find the time to bloody do it, that is!

Poor Curly! Bless her, she's a total rock although she didn't see this one coming! Perhaps after being pent up for years before telling her, I can still control/hide the emotional turmoil inside, even if I don't want to be insular and want to share this with her. It's just that we (CD'ers) know how to keep a lid on it, don't we? I have reached the age of 37, and have known about this in varying forms of understanding for 32 years. I have shared it for 4 of those years with Curly, and for a year with my stepdaughter. When the manure hits the fan though, I don't want to share it (the bad feeling, not the CD'ing!) really, I suppose because I'm trying to protect those I love from the fallout! Hence the pent up frustration and total rant that you are reading now!

However, I'm feeling a bit better now..........

I WILL post a follow up to this, just needed to straighten my kinks for a bit first! (Oh and the Hoisin duck thingies are ready to eat!)

Fluffy love to all.....

ED.

Glad you're feeling better.

I remember well the times I'd dress while the kids were out of the house, and the quick sprint to the bedroom to change when they popped back home.

Now that they know, I don't worry about them seeing me dressed. Much less stressful on my ticker, I'll tell you.

Thanks for the reply!

I do dress in front of her (B) however not the whole enchilada. The thing is, it's things like the forms wig heels etc, the more complete get up that I really miss. Curly and I never seem to get the time alone anymore and I don't want to spend the time that we DO get alone banging on about my CD'ing! If that makes sense? It just seems unfair to Curly, as if I'm not taking her needs into the equation, which of course I am because I don't go on about it! ( then I have to rant every now and then!)

Whats a couple of years wait anyhow!

Ta!

I do dress in front of her (B) however not the whole enchilada.

Hi Ed--
That's a tough one. When I catch myself doing that, it's because I'm trying to "protect" the person from seeing too much of a 'me' that they either don't know, or would be upset by. So I don't present my full female self, and they get a hybrid that I think is more familiar to them. But I don't know this for sure, and maybe that half-way girl still upsets them anyway. Or maybe they'd be more comfortable with the full-tilt girl, after the initial shock was over. I don't know how much personality/behavior change you go through when you dress, but I go through enough of a change that people can be startled.

Curly and I never seem to get the time alone anymore and I don't want to spend the time that we DO get alone banging on about my CD'ing!

Yes, I can understand that one. So if something's got to give, I would see it would tend to be in the direction of dressing more around your daughter. It is hard to get around this feeling:

I don't dress fully in front of her and just pay lip service to my needs to balance what I believe is acceptable to her (my mistake, I'm sure).

because it's very hard to put another person on the spot by asking them about this. In the one case where I stopped "protecting," I just went ahead and did it. It was easier than trying to talk about it with a friend, and her 10 year old son. They didn't seem to mind more of the femme self. But that's only one time so far, and it's not immediate family.

Good luck with it all! I'm also glad you feel a little better.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your time in replying!

That's a tough one. When I catch myself doing that, it's because I'm trying to "protect" the person from seeing too much of a 'me' that they either don't know, or would be upset by. So I don't present my full female self, and they get a hybrid that I think is more familiar to them. But I don't know this for sure

Sounds about right, although I think it's to do more with my "comfort zone" than others! lol. I don't think B is too bothered, or at least would mind less than me! I get the hybrid thing, it's definitely what I'm doing, to appease myself using partial aversion therapy!

I don't know how much personality/behavior change you go through when you dress, but I go through enough of a change that people can be startled.

Not much, to be honest. I am very much the same person either way! Perhaps, and I have discussed this with Curly, I do repress this (any difference in persona) to protect myself (an age old stigma of wanting to be the man of the relationship?) I do have my "moments", shall we say, where I do feel different to the workaday self!
I like to think that I am comfortable, but do question whether I hold back, you know? I think I know the answer really!

I'm just having a confused phase, I think. Caused by too much time not dressing to think about why I do!

One thing is for sure, I love being a CD'er. I feel lucky to be who/what I am. I love this side of me, and I love being male too! I think the whole issue just swings back to not having enough time to address it (CD'ing) fully!

Poor 'ol Curly....


Thanks again,

Ed

Hi there Ed,

I hope that by the time you read this things have turned around for you as I know exactly how you’ve been feeling, and you have my complete sympathy.

I think you know that it’s near impossible for anyone to advise you in these circumstances because there is only one solution to the problem and we all know exactly what that is. We all live inside our own heads and I would suppose that this isn’t the first time that you’ve been in this situation, and experience tells us it probably won’t be the last, but because of who and what we are and how we’re constructed, we’re very strong resilient people and able to bounce back from these situations.

You have a saving grace in Curly. She reminds me so much of my wife who is my rock and has been so for me through many dark times in the past. We often talk about ‘our journey’ and as I’ve traveled mine, my wife has been my traveling mate and I often wonder where I’d be now if she hadn’t been by my side, and I would guess that Curly is the same to you. Women like them are a true gift to us.

It would probably be safe to say that your circumstances will alter when your S/D finishes her education and moves on to live a more independent life of her own. Time does go slow I know when we wish it to hasten, but I’m sure with the help of Curly you’ll handle the next couple of years well, even if there are times when the frustration starts to get to you. I can emphasize with you due to the fact that there are things I wish I could do but they may well cause disharmony in the home, so for the sake of others I grin and bear it although I know my wife sees through my charade most times, so I know what you go through from time to time.

One thing I can say from my life’s experiences with all this is that like other varying aspects of our life, it doesn’t always turn out the way we expect it to at times. What I’m getting at is, back in the days when I snatched whatever time I could to dress in women’s clothes and always with the absolute fear of discovery, I used to long for the time when I could dress up on a daily basis 24/7 without that fear. In those days the feeling of being dressed up was nothing short of exhilaration and I had the thoughts that if I could dress up every day then that feeling would be with me forever, but it really didn’t work out that way. I sometimes think now that the euphoria of being all dressed up back in those days was partly because of the infrequency it could be done, and also partly because of the fact I was 'stealing' the time to do it behind people's back with the added excitement of the possibility of being caught.
Over the last few years I’ve dressed 24/7 and now the clothes are not nearly so important.

Unless I have a reason to dress up I wear jeans, shorts, shirts, flat heeled shoes etc like other women do as they go about their daily routine. Much of the time my clothing, although it has been bought out of women’s wear shops, doesn’t really differentiate male or female. The euphoria of the clothing wore off a long time ago because of the simple fact that it’s become a daily routine of dressing that way, and I dress for comfort not for show. Having said that, of course it’s still nice at times to get dressed up to the nines… lol…, like any woman, it’s nice to feel nice in lovely clothes at times and know you look quite good, I suppose we all have a little bit of vanity in there somewhere.

Under the UN charter, we all have the basic right to freedom of choice within the laws of the land, and to be able to make those choices without fear of excessive criticism, abuse or humiliation, and we have the basic right to live our lives to our own expectations. We have the basic right to enjoy and live an independent lifestyle, to our personal privacy and respect without fear of attack or abuse, and to have respect as a human being whatever our gender, sexual orientation, race, colour, creed, religion, class or social status, but unfortunately the general community at large, due to their lack of education, narrow vision and unfair judgementalism, make it so difficult to be truly individual and free to be ourselves, and some of us have to live within constraints, but that’s the world we live in unfortunately. Sadly, it’s one rule for some, another rule for others. One day it will change for the better of all people, but not in our life time I’m afraid. It usually takes at least two generations for major changes to start to have a noticeable effect and it’s only been 54 years since Christine Jorgensen started the ball rolling when the headlines in the NY Times read.. EX-GI BECOMES BLONDE BEAUTY: and she became the first TG person to be afforded celebrity status, but times are changing and one day in the future people will look back on our generation as pioneers who helped make the world a better place for those coming behind us, as they surely will continue to do so. One day, true personal freedom and the rights of CD/TG people will no longer be just an illusion, but until that time arrives, we each have to do what our personal circumstances allows us, so that we live our lives as best we can.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

Well, hi there, Ed! It's great to see you post (especially if it's for a little good ol' Rant 'n' Rave! )

Ah! I remember--not too fondly--missing the Inner Missus, too. Although I've been single for all but the last four months this past seven years or so, I do remember what it was like not to be able to dress up. In my case, I'd become irritable, depressed, and quite listless or apathetic. It wasn't a pretty sight. Two things saved me, I think.

One, I learned to pull back from my own situation, to take a longer view, to gain perspective. Or, at the very least, to try to do so. When I looked at my own life with some practiced detachment, I came to realize that there was much in it that I'd previously (and, I might add, erroneously) thought only belonged to "Christina" when, in fact, many of the more feminine traits I associated with my femme persona actually shone through in my male life. It was both a shock and a delight for me to discover this. And it's ongoing.

Two, I took to self-expression. I wrote. It didn't matter what... poetry, stories, essays, journals. I made my own thoughts plain to myself. I drew. Anything... fantasy stuff, horror, still life, abstract designs. I made my own feelings plain to myself. I made music. With anything I could get my hands on... a little plastic recorder, a saxophone, a keyboard, a computer, anything. I made the shape of my soul plain to myself.

Sometimes, when I had an odd moment (no pun intended), I dressed. But, really, my rants (artistically bent or otherwise) usually went from myself to myself. And, in so doing, I taught myself much about who I am. Of course, I had also to listen to myself in the process. No easy feat with a mouth and brain like mine!

I'm just glad, Ed, that you feel comfortable enough coming here to let off a little steam. We all need to do so once in a while. I hope we'll here more from you occasionally.

Good luck to B. in her studies. If she's grabbed any of yours and Curly's heart, strength, humour, and brains, she'll take the halls of academe by storm.

Oh, and cherish Curly, eh! She's a treasure, that one.

Love,
CJ

Hello Sally, and CJ!

Thank you both for your wonderful replies. It is with much regret that I'll not post at length in reply at the mo. I'm off to get some 's now, and cuddle up to Curly!

She snores something rotten, BTW!
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Just kidding!

Tomorrow I will reply as best I can, as some interesting points were raised, and I believe your replies to me are of such magnitude that they in turn deserve time in replying at length (I would have done so now but have been on eBay, looking at some lovely heels and high heeled knee boots - yum!)

Many thanks, and G'nite gals!

Ed.