Crossdressers-Haven.com

Here's an enigma that hits me every now and then.
My father, from time to time brings up the T subject (Transvestite). Around the age of 14 or so, his version of "the birds and the bees" included a very brief description of cross-dressers. ( I know, my dad's timing on the subject of sex left much to be desired) But nevertheless, He did talk to me about it, and like I said, he mentioned CDs. Then some years later, he told me of a "friend" who he "found" pictures of. "He's a transvestite, you know." He said to me. "Well, some people are like that." he added. Of course, I played dumb and showed very little interest.
But here's the conundrum: I wonder if my dad secretly knows of my cross-dressing? (I mentioned in my beginnings about getting caught.) -OR- Is HE secretly a cross-dresser and is trying to break it to me gently? -OR- Is he completely oblivious to all of this and just trying to be an informative father.
I doubt the latter, because it's just not his style. Which leaves me to believe one of the other points to be true.

As Kyra grows, the question of coming out also grows. I don't know if I will ever tell my father of my CDing, but I welcome input on the subject.
Input anyone?

Bear in mind that I didn't go into detail here (time constraints), but I'll answer any questions about it as they come up.

Hugs to all,
Kyra

It sounds to me as though your dad is fishing for some dialog, Kyra. You might proceed similarly--mention crossdressing in passing, or have the old "A friend of mine . . . " conversation. If his response is not unfavorable, take it from there. Your dad may be supportive--heck, you may be a chip off the ol' block!

Yours,
Celia

FWIW - Your dad is doing exactly what I do when I want to "test the waters" on the subject of CDing. I will find a safe way to mention the subject and see how a person reacts. If they have positive comments, I might choose to carry the conversation further.

As to weather this is about him or you, your guess is as good as mine.

Hugs - Genifer

Kyra,

I think you dad could be one of us.

Big Question for you!!! If he knows then why don't you come out to him since he taught you to be open minded, which means he should be just as open minded, no? I have heard of father and son CD'rs.

Interesting no?

I wanted to eat popcorn and read more about it, but you didn't put more in the post. Ok, I'm half kidding about you not putting a lot into the post.

I'm interested to see what other questions pop up!

Beauty

Hello Kyra.

As Beauty says, your Dad may well be one of us, some signs are there, although there is no proof that crossdressing is hereditary, it's a known fact that father and son crossdressers do exist, in fact I know of someone who is a member of this forum who has a son, also a crossdresser.

I would suggest that you are the only person who can make the judgement as to whether you reveal to your Dad or not, I guess it depends on if the need is great enough, taking into consideration what you feel the impact may be on him and your relationship.

If he's one of us, then problem solved, but even if he isn't, it seems he doesn't have a problem talking about crossdressers, which in itself is a huge plus, as so many people find the subject unappealing and difficult to approach, which is mainly due to ignorance and uninformed opinions being formed by the lack of free discussion within communities. I always try to convey the message to people that it isn't the man in a dress, who openly displays his personality, who they need to be wary of, it's those who hide their shortcomings behind a veil of perceived normality and positions of trust, who are a danger to our children.

As I said,I would suggest that you may need to consider how important the need is to reveal to him and is that need great enough for your personal growth, as to who you are, and how important is it to you to have those who love you, accept you as Kyra, or is it important for you to know for sure whether your Dad is a Crossdresser or not, what some may perceive as highly important, others may not, I think it's something only you can work through. Have you discussed it with your wife, wives can often come up with amazing ideas which we may not have thought about, and no doubt she knows your father well enough for her to form an opinion.

I've said this before and it probably does no harm repeating. If anyone feels a need to reveal to others, and by revealing, it is going to enhance your life and make your journey a happy one, and after all considerations you feel by revealing, you come to the conclusion it is necessary and will not cause harm to anyone involved, then it is most likely the right thing to do. Not all situations are the same and generalisation doesn't fit every situation, you're in the best position to know your father and how strong and close you are to each other. I know it's never an easy decision, I've often thought I may tell this person or that person, but I always treat it on a need to know basis, if I feel they need to know, then I do, if not then rather than stir the pot, I let sleeping dogs lie. I take this attitude mostly because I have 3 children who live and work in our community and I think more of the repercussions it may bring on them, rather than myself, I'm quite impervious to criticism and taunts now, but others who I love need to be considered.

I do hope you find the right solution and I would be most interested to hear the outcome.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

Hey everyone,
Thanks, first for the insight. You basically confirm what I already think. The problem is that my father (at least outwardly) is a very hard nosed grass roots kinda guy. He's very opinionated and has no problem letting you know just how wrong you are. (specifically if your outlook is different from his) This makes conversation on just about anything difficult.

I should mention that he is an alcoholic, and at his age, will not heed doctors, friends, or relatives advice. "I'm seventy seven years old, I've been this way all my life, and I'm NOT going to change now!" (a phrase he's used so often, I can hear it in my sleep,)

Sometimes (usually early in the day, before the beer takes over) I can actually have a pleasant conversation with him. I may test the waters as y'all suggest. Maybe mention a CD friend (I have a few here ) And see what kind of reaction I get.
Hmmm, maybe I'll try that.

Thanks again,
Hugs,
Kyra

Good luck!!!

I will keep my eyes on this thread!

Beauty

I don't know how much I can help here, I seem to have more questions than answers with this journal entry written this morning after reading Ada B.'s post. My mother passed away from the effects of alcoholism and the pain to our family was huge. So you deal with two difficult issues.

Here is one of my journal entries from today, March 2, 2004.............

Just who needs to know that I am a cross dresser?

This is a question that has plagued me for over 40 years. When I was 13 the answer would be a definite, “No one!” It was something I did not understand and the hatred and self-loathing I felt for myself was so strong that if anyone did know I fear I would have probably done harm to myself.

Because of a post that I read today (yes it was an older post) from Ada B. who discovered her fathers CD by accident, I am back to asking myself this same question. Because as well as I think I hide things accidental outings do occur without warning. And doing harm to loved ones is the one thing I think most CD’s will try to avoid.

I have on occasion listened to that Talk Radio show by Doctor Laura, and although at times her style and program content make me feel uncomfortable I have heard her say many times, “does telling someone about _ _ _ _ _ add value to the relationship?” You can fill in the blank with anything that one person withholds from another. I have never heard her discuss cross-dressing so don’t know if she would ask that same question.

But I think that is the relevant question here. “Would telling my children, employer, neighbors, or whomever add value to their life and to mine?”

At first thought many of us are yearning internally to tell someone about our Cding. Perhaps we hate the closet we lock ourselves into, it does get stuffy in here and we all like some sunshine and fresh air. Or perhaps we feel if we do tell it will in some small way make this okay. The other reason for telling is that we simply hate the lies and deception.

But does it add value to the relationship to tell? That is the burning question. Before reading Ada’s post I would have said NO! It would add no value to tell anyone anything about this. Yet I could see the pain that her discovery caused and I wonder how far away I could be from doing the same thing to my children. My wife knows and we at times will discuss how I am doing with controlling my desires. But the rest of my family, to the best of my knowledge, doesn’t know and certainly I have not said anything to my children (adult children).

I guess as a kid, and as a young adult, I thought, “this is a phase, it will pass like so many other youthful indiscretions.” But at 55 years old my desire to dress has not diminished, even though I have a good job, a loving wife and children, a home I can be proud of, yes I have it all. So why then do I need this “thing?” Why do I need to seek comfort in something that I must hide from the world?

I have too many questions here, but Ada’s post is cause for reflection, not just for me, but also for all of us. If you are actively involved in cross-dressing but not headed for SRS I think you need to do some real heavy thinking about this. I read so many posts of people who say there are real comfortable with their CD, but if you are hiding it from others are you really that comfortable?

I will conclude by saying that I am probably a minority on this forum, if I could find a way to stop dressing today and never have a thought or desire to return I would stop with no regrets. But I am mature enough to know that an early childhood experience has probably imprinted my brain with this activity and there is no cure. But yet can I see myself dressed in all my finery while setting in a wheel chair at the old folks home?

So right back to the original question, “who needs to know about my cross-dressing?” I have no answer as I write this, but thank you Ada for bringing your side of this to us. There is value in telling us how it feels for you. And the final question is, “what will I do about answering this question?”

Very interesting Elle,

I say don't tell those who you don't need to tell. It will add no enhancement to their lives.

That's my short, short, short opinion.

Beauty

Yes Beauty, if only I could say it in such a short post, I need to work on brevity.....big grin here as I write this

Hi Kyra,

Wow, does your post ring some familiar bells. My first reaction is that your father may be using the same tecnique I used when seeing how my son would react. Unfortunately, I got a very negative reaction so I backed off.

As for your father's moods, I understand what you are going through. In the morning, you can talk to him and in the afternoon and evening, you need to stay away. I went through that for thirty years. I found that my father often was most vehemently against those things that hit him close to home and embarassed him. Yours may not be the same but still - - -. I never did find out if dad had some similar feelings to mine and now I've lost him so it's too late to find out.

I guess I agree with several others who said that you might want to test the waters in the opposite direction. I also agree that those who don't need to know shouldn't, but that can be hard when it might mean you have your father's approval. Again, I do understand.

If you don't mind, keep us informed as to your progress. Drop me an email if you would like to discuss this further.

Hi Kyra--
I can't see a man like your father wanting to talk about his own CDing with his son. Maybe he is fascinated by the idea of it, though, and that's why he brings it up. CDing is not something that comes up in casual conversation very often, ya know? Like--not at all!

If you can find a way to get it into a conversation, go for it!

Elle, On tellng or not telling--I really understood for the first time what it must be like for a gay man or woman, who has this very important SO in their life that they CAN'T TALK ABOUT. Can you imagine not being able to talk about your wife's activities with anyone? What a strange life that would be.

I still think that secret keeping is not a passive process. It can take lots of energy. As a 49 year old man (at the time), I saw that I didn't have enough extra energy to keep a secret that big. It was going to shut my life force to a trickle if I didn't talk about Anita.

It was not all about bravery and holding up the flag for CDing--it was a very practical realization that I couldn't afford the price of stuffing it in.
Anita

Kyra, I agree with what has been said about testing the waters with your father.

Elle, I agree that deciding whether it will add anything to the relationship is an important question to ask.

For me, telling a SO or spouse is important, because NOT telling could significantly impact the relationship. I've already told my GF about my crossdressing, and she's kept an open mind about it so far.

On other other hand, I don't think my parents would ever accept it. My mother would freak out, and would think she is somehow to blame. My father would be confused and would probably ignore the subject. I have made a decision to keep this part of my life hidden from them. Of course, it does make it difficult when they come for a visit, I need to "hide the evidence." And shaving your arms and legs can be problematic too.

I can be comfortable if I have some people in my life (SO, and friends) who know and accept my crossdressing, even if I keep it a secret from others.

That's my opinion, but I respect others who feel differently.

Sharon Rose

Who to tell?

Well I think these people should know if you are to have a good relationship and feel honest.

1: Wife or S/O as they should know about such a significant aspect to your life. It could be tough and hard but if LOVE brought you two together how could cding ( once explained ) break that up?

2: Children when they reach an appropriate age ( so they can understand that you are still you but they are now entrusted to know this other side ) You need to discuss with your wife or S/O prior to such though.


Others whom you could value in knowing.

Parents: As long as you probe to see how they feel about subject first and be ready to answer lots of questions many of which could be troubling to you ( IE: Are you GAY? Do you want to become a woman etc.?)

Brothers and sisters, if you are close to them and can again probe to see what their view of such is. Be ready for 1000 questions too!

Letting other family members know from your parents to your siblings can under he right situaltion lift a big weight off your shoulders and even make them feel honoured to know you trust them. It could also go bad


Friends and coworkers:


These people do not need to know unless you are sure you value them enough to you to trust them with this aspect of your life. Sometimes a friend you trust or a coworker whom you are friendly with can bring a POV to you and your cding, family and spouses can't. I told a female coworker ( whom I probed with questions and thoughts for a while first ) and she was privilaged that I felt enough for her to trust her and she is thrilled with knowing me not only as her male coworker but she has seen me enfeme and loved every moment of it.

In ending you must size up your desire to express yourself and let others know with potential risks of it not going well to accepting that others may not be mean to you but may not be able to wrap this around their minds. But also magic could happen and you find either inquisitive to openminded responses. It's a gamble but LIFE IS A GAMBLE. In ending the more people you can trust to know the more normal you and they will feel about it. Accept that some may never understand but if they are family and friends who are to LOVE you they should hopefully have an openmind. If not you may have to accept the loss of such in your life but never IMO feel shame or guilt as to who you are.

As I get older I get braver and I also believe more that if others are to find out and can't accept it, THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE!

take care: Lacey