Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi, my name is Candace and I have been dating a cross dresser for 4 years. I totally accept his crossdressing and love him dearly. In fact, I love it when he dresses. However, he has been having intense dreams about other men and becoing aroused. He is panicking, he thinks he might be gay. Personally I feel that he has isolated himself so much of his life that he doesn't have any male friends, his only brother passed away 2 years ago. He is in a crisis and so am I. Any thoughts on this?

I am currently reading a book, called "Alice In Genderland" by Dr. Richard Novic, and it's available through places like Amazon. It's recommended reading, as are books like "My Husband Betty" and "She's Not The Man I Married." My wife is totally accepting of my crossdressing, but then we have been married for over 33 years, and together for nearly 37. Discussions are critical and sometimes it takes a lot of communication to understand what each of us is going through, both the crossdresser and the partner. Some post searching through this forum should also bring up some interesting reading. If you can both do it together, so much better!

Gay, doubtful. He is in love with you, and if you've been intimate, then he's probably not gay.

Bi, maybe, but not necessarily. See this thread http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=6723

I reckon since he has talked to you about his dreams, communication isn't a problem. Doesn't sound like honesty is a problem either.

So ask him to keep being honest, and ask him if he's been reading trans fiction online. Places like http://www.fictionmania.com of http://www.storysite.org

If so, maybe some of the dreams he has been having has been the result of his reading.

If not, then maybe he's been online at some other forum (etc.) and there has been talk/discussions about CDs dating men and enjoying it.

Does he wear a nightie to bed?

There could be any number of reasons he's started having these dreams.

I'm assuming the dreams are new.

There are all kinds of sexual fantasies, and dreams. As long as he's not acting on them, and isn't neglecting you, then I doubt he's gay.

If he wants to stop, he can try doing a Google search for the phrase: Controlling your dreams

There's a forum at http://www.dreamviews.com/forum/index.php as well.

To echo what Donna said, it's important to distinguish between fantasies (things you like to imagine, but wouldn't actually do), desires (things you'd like to do regardless of whether you've done them) and actual behavior.

As far being aroused by "being with men," there's a variety of things that could be going on. He could be discovering that he's bisexual to some degree. (I think it's similar to how gays and lesbians are more likely to be gender varient -- once you've stepped outside of "normal" as far gender it's easier to acknowledge being non-normative in regards to sexuality and vice versa.) But being bi doesn't mean one can't also be monogamous.

It could be that, as a female friend of mine aptly put it, he's simply "penetration curious."

It could be that he'd like to be the pursued rather than the pursuer. Also known as being a "bottom" rather than a "top."

For what it's worth, the thought of being so attractive en femme someone wants to sleep with you is the "ultimate" in passing, in a sense.

It sounds like you've got good communications, so I'd try to keep talking through it. Just remember, he may not necessarily fully understand these feelings himself -- and there is a false equivalency that boys are taught that "unmanly" = "feminine" = "gay" so that may be a factor in his panic.

Many TG's dream of the ultimate affirmation of their femininity by dreaming about a man treating them as a desireable woman, some actually try it, and some like it. Even then, many do not really want it, are not attracted to men for their looks or masculinity, but as just an expression of the TG's total desire to be accepted as what they feel they are trying to project, a woman! Their real attraction is to women, and their sexual, and relationship orientation remains hetro. The fantasy is about acceptance, you can do much to give him the acceptance he so desires yourself, be open and discuss all of this with him. You may both find that what he really wants and needs, which these fantasys are an expression of, can be found right there at home with you.
Good luck to you both!

Is isolation a common problem with cds.

candace(SO) wrote:Is isolation a common problem with cds.

Imagine trying to hide an important part of yourself and being terrified that someone will find out. So even though CDs may have many friends, there is often a sense of being isolated. It's not a perfect analogy, but the SO of one CD once said that for her it seemed similar to her hiding the fact that she'd been molested as a girl -- the sense of shame and that she was "damaged goods" that no one would want if they found out, and that she was the only one in the world who was in that position.

(Also men in general don't tend to have the sort of friendships women have, where feelings are discussed as a way of strengthening the friendship -- and this is definitely not something the vast majority of CDs would ever share, even with their best friend.)

That said, a female friend of mine once observed that it seemed to her that a number of CDs do distance themselves from others -- probably as a sort of "if I don't let others get close, I can't get rejected" behavior. Which is something I'll cop to.

As Marlena described it, isolation can be a big problem. And even if we have a lot of friends, if we have this big secret that we may be ashamed or fearful of, there is still isolation. Low self esteem generally is a kind of isolation in that we are isolated from ourselves and thus no amount of other people can fill the void.

As for dreams. They can be very interesting and very frightening. We have had several dream threads here over the years. Analyzing them can be quite complex.

I had a pattern for a long time that whenever I started to have strong feelings for a woman I would have dreams that she was the devil. Very scary ones, especially the first few times. Eventually I got to the point where after I was fully awake I could say " oh another lover as the devil dream. You must be getting close to her to have such fears" And I was able to accept the dreams as my unconscious trying to tell me something that I wasn't comfortable with and had to hide in symbolism.

His dreams mean something. But are they his fears or his hopes or his secrets or is there all this symbolism meaning they are about something else altogether, being gay symbolizing a wedge between you rather than actual sexuality. Only he can figure this out.

There are lots of dream books out there. He might try reading some of them. Journalling your dreams can be fun also.

Hope this helps

Absaroka