Lessons learned from when coming out goes bad

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

As mentioned, I went to the nail salon two Saturdays ago en femme and consequently got color on my fingernails as well as my toenails. Since the color looked really nice and was light "natural" color that wasn't visible at distance, I decided to do an experiment in androgyny and leave it on Sunday.

Sundays I have a routine, I like to read the paper over brunch at a favorite restaurant. Over the months I've become friendly with one of the waitresses, Maria, a grandmotherly Latina. When I found out she likes going through the coupons in the Sunday paper, I made a point of giving them to her and to thank me, she gave me Christmas cookies during the holiday.

When she came over to pick up the coupons today, Maria immediately noticed the nail polish because it was similar to her color. The way she responded sounded like she found it kind of cute. Since she wasn't working the section where I was sitting, I told that if she had a minute, I'd share a secret with her.

A little later she came over and I said something to the effect that it wasn't the first time I'd worn polish, and pulled out one of my photos. She said I looked pretty and I thumbed through some of the other photos. I thought it went well. Oh was I wrong...

This afternoon, I stopped by a fast-food place to pick up a snack before the Super Bowl. I sat down behind a couple and unintentionally eavesdropped while waiting for my order. Gradually, I realized the woman (who was facing away from me) was Maria and she was talking about me. (Talk about coincidence...) She was telling her companion how she didn't know what to say and how the more I talked about it, the sicker she got to her stomach. Apparently it upset her enough that she talked to the restaurant manager about it.

Needless to say, listening to her was painful in so many ways. Painful to know that my crossdressing caused her physical revulsion. Painful to know that I'd misread the situation so badly. Painful to know that I'd made her so uncomfortable.

Just to clarify, I don’t feel bad as much about exposing her to something that her prejudices made her uncomfortable with, it’s more that because I was a customer, she didn’t feel comfortable saying how she felt.

I guess part of it is that confiding in her was tangential to our “professional” relationship. I don’t have any problem telling a sales clerk at a clothing store or make-up counter that I’m shopping for myself — it’s relevant to my purchase and if they want my business then they should serve me regardless of their personal feelings. If I’d come in en femme, then yeah, I would’ve expected the same. I dunno… this particular situation felt different.

Some days being trans just sucks...

But in the vein of "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up," here's some lessons learned (with much thanks to friends at another for helping my sort out my thoughts):

- I now have a greater appreciation why “I Will Survive” is the gay national anthem. Actually, I’m only half-joking. After an emotional beat-down — which I’m sure many gays experienced coming out in the 1970s — I can appreciate the affirmation of saying: You think I’d crumble / You think I’d lay down and die / Oh no, not I / I will survive. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but I’m still here.

- Jude pointed out that we get so used to this being everyday, no big deal, that we forget that for much of the world, it’s not, and that we are perhaps the first trans person this person has ever met, up close and personal.

- What hurt the most was hearing that sort of reaction from someone I thought would be OK with it. It’s one thing to get stares and giggles while out, or to get a hostile reaction while doing outreach — I hate to say it, but I’m used to experiencing bigotry in that context. But in this case, part of me was kicking myself for misjudging someone so badly. In this case, I think I was a bit over-confident based on the the nail salon experience the day before.

- Sometimes you just never can tell how folks will react. Maria had seen my Halloween pictures of me as Little Red Riding Hood and seeming had gotten a kick out of them, and likewise seemed to enjoy the fact that I had painted nails that morning. So each coming out really is a bit of a leap of faith.

- While this incident went badly, I’m not going to let it outweigh all the positive ones I’ve had. Usually coming out is a liberating and positive experience. So I’d like to think I won’t be overly fearful of confiding in people in the future (although I admit I’m feeling a little gun-shy at the moment).

- While I’ve felt it’s important to show folks photos of me en femme to try to give people a sense that I’m not what they’re probably picturing — Klinger or Dr. Frank N. Furter – I need to be sure to ask if people are interested in seeing them, since it could be perceived as TMI and being exhibitionist in the wrong way. (Normally, I do but I mistakenly skipped based on Maria having seen past pictures, her enthusiasm for my nails, and me having told her that I’d share a secret with her if she was interested.) That’s one misstep I feel bad about. The other is putting Maria in a position where she felt cornered. It would’ve been one thing if I’d showed up en femme, in which case I would’ve expected to be treated like any other customers. But this was tangential to business but in a setting where she felt constrained by “commercial courtesy.”

- I’m not quite as fully self-accepting as I thought. Initially I did feel bad for making Maria so uncomfortable — and yeah, it was more than just for the reasons mentioned. There was a part of me that felt bad that I’d physically sickened someone. (When I posted about it at the Betty boards, I named the thread “chastened” (definition: to correct using punishment or suffering.)

But Tink points out that if we reframe the situation we see it for what it truly was. Imagine that I’d been talking with her and when the topic comes up naturally, I pulled out a picture of my girlfriend, who’s another race. Or if I were gay, I pulled out a picture and said, “That’s my boyfriend.” Neither photo is a graphic tongue-down throat picture, but maybe we’ve got an arm around each other. Had I overheard Maria express similar feelings about race or sexuality, I would’ve had no problem saying to myself, “What a bigot!” I’m sorry that she can’t look past her prejudices to see me as a person, but that’s her problem.

Anyway I went back Sunday for my usual brunch determined to follow Tink's advice and just act completely normal. The manager greeted me with his usual over-exuberance. Maria was working another section, but I caught her eye as she passed and let her know that I had the coupons for her as per usual. She took them with her usual abundant thank you's.

Chalk one up to "commerical courtesy" I thought. But then....

I was head-down in the newspaper when, as she was passing by, Maria gave my hand a tap and gave me a big smile when I looked up. Then as was leaving, she gave a pat/rub on the back in the same sort of way she's done previously.

What's it all mean? I'm not really sure...

Obviously she wasn't avoiding me. It seems like she was treating me with the same familiarity as before. Maybe she's realized that even though she now knows something about me that freaked her out, I'm still me. Maybe realizing that I probably overheard her comments about me caused her to do some self-reflection. At this point, I'll leave it at "don't ask, don't tell."

[Jan W]

Dear Marlena,

Great post!

I have been in situations when strangers have given me reason to doubt my femme existance which is nowhere near the same as Maria's seemingly negative reaction but never the less it still hurts.

I was not going to post on this as it made me sad but when you finished with Maria touching your hand in such a friendly way it made me feel good about the world again.

You tell Maria from a tranny in Australia that she is a good person with an open heart.

Love,


Jan

[Virginia]

Hi Marlena,
Well I guess those of us who do go out and face the "thundering herd" do have different ways of handling situations. My basic approach is "a need to know." If I have the time to access the situation I determine if that person needs to know if I am a crossdresser, in 99.9% of the situations I don't tell them. The one most recent situation which is really not recent was my training partner's "roommate." I asked her to go with me to a GLBT dance as my date and she accepted. She had never seen Virginia so to put her mind at ease, I showed her my pictures so she wouild have an idea what her "date" looked like. Well, for what its worth, she is African-American as well as a lesbian and the sweetest lady you would want to meet. Anyway, the dance was cancelled for whatever reason so now I just call her the best date I never had!!! THIS WAS PRE - SL!!!!
It seems that the "older" segment of our society seem to have the greatest problem dealing with "us."
For me the "need to know" works and for others, sharing works or the don't ask don't tell.
As for a confrontation - never had one, would not want one, but it would not be a pretty thing to "get in this girl's face!"
I guess as has been previously stated in other threads, most people live in their own world and if you don't try and get in their world without an invitation they tend to let well enough alone. Yes, we may get a few "looks" and maybe a giggle or two, but remember the old adage ... "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."
My saying: "Go forth Woman and BE!"

Love,
Virginia

[Anita]

Marlena--
That is such a good post. You took me through each segment in a way that lets me "be there," as painful as it is. (And that experience is painful.)

I get more leeway in this matter when I show pictures, because my female appearance is part of a public act. People may still not like the concept of that act, and it may even upset them, privately. But like political disagreements, I think that people accept my appearance as part of the real world. They don't tend to act as though I'm pushing a personal agenda on them.

But I have had the backlash of the personal agenda, with my ex-girlfriend as the hardest case. I learned all too well how the initial shock can be masked by seeming acceptance and even humor. It's a natural reaction, but it sure hurts when you find out.

The difference is that I was able to work through this with Lynda. You really can't do that with someone like Maria.

Your example of other forms on non-tolerance not being as acceptable is interesting--I really hadn't thought of that one in regard to us, TG people. It raises some questions that I won't go into here.

Thanks for letting us know about this. It is not easy to write about.

[Stephanie W]

Marlena

Thanks for sharing that story with us. I know how the feeling of being on such a high the day before can carry over to the next day and beyond, so no surprise there. Perhaps your decision to come out to Maria was cause for second guessing yourself, but we all live and learn. For me, it's usually on a need to know basis, but like you, I know how desperately we seek that validation, especially among our friends and aquaintances, so again, I can understand why you wanted to share this with a friend.

The fact that she seemed friendly towards you the next time you went there was a positive sign and one that shows she isn't about to start treating you like you have some contagious disease. My best guess is that she was shocked (as many people would be) and needed some time for it to sink in. Hopefully, she can deal with it and you both can continue your friendship.
See how it goes and I'm sure you will get a sense of whether she is still comfortable around you or not. If so, then great. If not, then if it were me, I would be tempted to mention I had inadvertently overheard her conversation and tell her I was sad that she felt that way but understood her feelings. Maybe apologize for springing this on her without apologizing for being who you are. An important distinction.

Let us know how it goes.

Stephanie

[Absaroka]

Perhaps she later realized that you had overheard her and wanted to reassure you.

"It made me sick to my stomach" could be taken a number of ways, ranging from "I found this person disgusting" to " I was having a really hard time with this even though I like this person and don't want to feel this way" Although it was an accident remember that you were eaves dropping and intruding on someone elses privacy, no matter how inadvertantly. A very important fact is that out of consideration for you, she did not tell you this. She confided her feelings to someone she trusted.

I thought your comments about the relationship, you being a customer so her options were limited, was very appropriate.

I hope this all goes well for both of you.

Absaroka

[Gaven McLaren]

well it would appear that the issue was not that you disgusted her. It is that the lifestyle you live disgusts her. That it due to the way she was raised which leads back to Queen Victoria. She was so devote in her beliefs of Christianity that any thing dealing with sex was bad, which lead to laws against sex acts not meant to procreate( IE: oral sex, sodomy, ETC) and for people to wear clothes outside of their gender. I am glad that we are starting to get away from that type of thinking but it is a slow painful process to change the thinking of many generations.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

So went out for my usual Sunday brunch again and while I was waiting, Maria came up, gave me a big hug and said, "You'll forgive me, won't you?" I told her that I was sorry for putting her on the spot. "But you'll promise, you'll forgive me, won't you?" she replied. I told her yes, I did forgive her.

The restaurant was unusually busy, so afterwards we had only brief bits of conversation. Eventually she left me a note with her phone number, which said she was ashamed of herself and asked me to give her a call. I thanked her again and by the time I'd finished brunch, we both seemed to be putting it behind us.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to call her this evening since I went up to San Francisco and got caught in massive traffic jam. (Seemingly there was some big event at Pier 39 and Embarcadero was shut down, not a pretty combination.), So I didn't get home until too late. (It was too important to do on the cell while I sat in traffic.) I'll try to catch her tomorrow.

[Absaroka]

That is really good to hear.

Absaroka