Coming Out

[Moira]

I am 42 and have been wearing lingerie for 27 years but have kept it secret from anyone that I know. The only people who know are anonymous ladies that I meet when I am travelling out of town and spend one night stands with.

Ocassionally I have had to work out of town for extended periods which required me to have an apartment there and during those periods I acquired quite a wardrobe which I wore whenever I was in the apartment However, when the assignment was over, I always got rid of the wardrobe and went back to wearing panties when my wife was not around.

A few months ago, my wife found a "panty" site that I had been visiting and brought up the topic. I told her that I enjoyed wearing lingerie and was researching it on line. She said that she was not surprised as I was always extremely turned on when she wore silky things but she was not in favour of me wearing lingerie.

Since then, I have spoken to a professional lady friend of mine about my feelings and she was very understanding and supportive, saying that she did not see a problem with it as long as I was comfortable with my own sensuality (I thought she meant sexuality but she assured me that she meant sensuality).

Anyway, since that time I have continued to wear panties and other lingerie items when the situation permits and am getting more and more comfortable with it. I am thinking that I should again broach the subject with my wife but this time with a view to simply stating that this is who I am and I am not asking permission but rather stating that this is what I will be doing (without shoving it down her throat). I will respect her opinion and will not flaunt it.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Carol Ann]

Hi Davince,

Look none of my business but I think if you make that approach you may be in for a ruff landing. I think you should go around and rethink it. Soft words and understanding make a better landing.

[Lisa(SO)]

Davince,,


As a spouse I do not recommend this approach. It is fine to say this is who I am but saying this is what I will be doing may be a little harsh. How would you feel if she came out with something that may throw you for a loop then state that she will be doing this no matter how you feel. IMHO a marriage is a partnership that requires compromise and open communication. My advice is to set boundaries together with what you are both comfortable with. She may not want to know at first that you are wearing lingerie. Kind of the don't ask don't tell policy. This s just my opinion though. You know your marriage and lives better than anyone else.

I am very open to my husbands dressing and very supportive yet he still respects my feeling and always lets me know when he plans on letting Elayne come join the party to make sure I am ok with it. I have never said no yet he always asks. I do the same with some thngs that I do such as......shopping.

Keep posting. I look forward to hearing how it all goes and how your journey is going.

[DonnaT]

I think it would be best to be more honest with your wife.

Explain the whole crossdressing thing to her. Maybe she'll be more understanding.

If she said she's not in favor of your wearing panties, then she didn't you had better not.

Which to me means she may be open to discussion.

But if you insist on telling her you're going to start wearing them, regardless of her feelings, then I suggest you also tell her about the anonymous ladies that you meet when travelling out of town and with whom you spend one night stands with.

[SilverLady(SO)]

with the advice given by Carol Ann, Lisa(SO), and Donna.

... I am not asking permission but rather stating that this is what I will be doing (without shoving it down her throat). I will respect her opinion and will not flaunt it.

Sorry, hon - but doing that is showing absolutely no respect for her or her opinions, no matter what you say! If you insist on telling your wife what you are going to do (wearing panties, etc.) regardless of her feelings on the subject, then you had better be honest and tell her about all of your one-night stands. In that case, please do let us know where to send the flowers for your funeral (or the CICU ward of your local hospital, if you're lucky to survive her wrath).

As we say so often on the forum, when coming out to your wife (or girlfriend, as the case may be), there are certain things that we recommend that you do:

- Have an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about your CD self, but gauge her acceptance level and don't overload her with information if you see that she cannot (yet) handle it! Have information available for her to read at her leisure, either in paper form or our forum.

- Keep the lines of communication open - talk with her, not to her!

- Be totally honest when answering her questions (of which she'll have many).

- Be willing to compromise - remembering that compromise is a two-way street with give-and-take being equal from both partners.

- Do not *ever* issue - or give in to - ultimatums of any kind; that will get you nowhere very fast.

- Respect each other's feelings and comfort-levels.

- As time goes by, the comfort levels may (or may not) expand, so you will need to keep the lines of communication open!! Boundaries may be pushed, gradually, and that is why we say do everything in 'Baby Steps."

- We encourage you to invite your wife to join the forum, where she can meet SO's of varying degrees of acceptance and understanding, as well as other CD's. She will be able to post in total privacy in the GG-only section which is totally off-limits to the CD's. There is a wealth of information and good, sound advice to be found on the forum from our many members, CD's and SO's alike.

Good luck, keep us informed of your progress, and remember: true love and honesty will prevail, but it does take equal effort from both partners.

Baby steps, honey. Baby steps.


- SL

[Jess(SO)]

Davince,

Does your wife know and approve of your one night stands?........... I hope for her sake that you are using protection!

Jess

[Absaroka]

Davince I have to agree with what has been said here so far although I am not much of an expert on telling your spouse about this.

I do think it is interesting how in your post you presented wearing lingerie as the issue and sort of glossed over the one night stands with other women. My wife wouldn't like the lingerie. The other women would be a quantum leap in betrayal however and might well spell the end of the marriage.

I am interested however. What did the other women say about the lingerie?

Absaroka

[Moira]

Well, I finally had THE chat with my wife last week.

We were away on vacation in Myrtle Beach and things were going very well. We were having some very frank and open discussions about all sorts of topics including financial planning, dreams, etc. I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring up the topic of my desire to expand my feminine self and so I introduced the topic one afternoon.

I must say that I do not think it could have gone any better. At this point, I only shared my desire to wear undergarments since I felt it may be somewhat overwhelming to tackle the whole subject (baby steps first). Her response was far beyond what I had expected. While she said she did not totally understand she was OK with me wearing lingerie. In fact,s he said that I knew where her lingerie drawer was and that I could help myself. That night, she laid out some underwear for me to wear to dinner and when the evening was over, she told me I did not have to remove it for bed.

The next day, I suggested that it might be a good idea for me to have my own lingerie since, while I could fit into hers, we are not exactly the same size. She agreed and again indicated that I could put it in her lingerie drawers in case anyone ever opened my underwear drawers. We went shopping for clothes for her that day and I did up some underwear for myself.

Since then, I have worn lingerie on a daily basis and a couple of times she has asked what I was wearing (the pink, the beige, etc) and this morning she came into my office as she was heading out to work and told me how fantastic this week has been (I have made a real effort to do the little extra's for her, like bringing her coffee and doing more work around the house).

Right now, I am on cloud nine and cannot wait to get up each morning. I am a changed person.

[DonnaT]

That's good to hear Davince. Glad it's working out for you. Congratulations.

[Absaroka]

What a nice wife.

Absaroka

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

So basically you've been cheating on your wife (who appears to be very understanding and supportive) for no reason.

Nice.

Look, you have to deal with the larger issue here, which is that you have been unfaithful to your wife on numerous occasions (by your own admission) in hopes of continuing to lie to her about your CDing. Now that she knows about your CDing, you need to tell her EVERYTHING.... Otherwise your trust bond will break down and YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WIFE. You need to be honest about where you've been seeking to get this "itch" scratched and you need to tell her that you have gone outside your marriage in an effort to be dishonest and keep secrets from her.

I'm not saying she will forgive you, but if you've been cheating on her for this long, she deserves to know. it's unfortunate that you chose this path, because it seems like you already have someone who would love and accept you regardless of your crossdressing, but you didn't give her a fair shot. Now strangers know you better than your wife. And she doesn't deserve that. You should tell her and pray that she doesn't take you for everything you're worth.

I'm not saying this to be harsh, but from the POV of a wife who had the wool pulled over her eyes and whose husband DID look outside the marriage for validation of his CDing, I can tell you that your infidelity is more of an issue than the CDing, and your wife deserves to know it ALL. If you love her, you'll finally let her take SOME control of this relationship and decide whether or not she wants to be in it KNOWING EVERYTHING..... You owe her that much.

-Tiffany