Crossdressers-Haven.com

Came out to my wife in October, been to three differant counselers. The last one I have talked with about 1/2 doz times so has my wife. We had a meeting together and I felt really pressured to have more sessions. The counseler keeps wanting to work on childhood trama, I was raped at 8 or 9 years old. She is telling my wife and I that the rape is why I crossdress. I seem to remember earlier attraction to it but can't remember exactly when I started dressing, seems like it was always there. I'm not dressing at all now, I can't deal with the guilt. When I said I didn't want to do more counseling my wife said I was giving up. I gues that means she thinks I will be cured if I talk about the rape enough. Sorry this post is so negitive but I feel trapped right now.

I can't blame you for wanting to stop the counseling.

It doesn't appear to be helping you at all.

Especially if you've already overcome the trauma of the rape. Seems all it will do is keep you reliving it, when you want to be rid of it.

Sounds like the counselor is trying to do the impossible and cure your desire to cross dress, and I doubt you went to be cured.

It was for couple counseling, right? To help you both come to terms with being a couple in a CD relationship?

Only you can determine what the therapist's motives are. If they're honestly trying to understand and help you overcome the trauma, that's a good thing. If they're blindly trying to find an excuse for crossdressing (FYI: There generally isn't any particular reason.) and focusing on that one thing when you've obviously dealt with it and put it behind you, then you could confront the therapist or choose to work with a different one. If you feel you're not being treated with understanding and compassion, take your money, your time, and your mental health to another therapist. You may have to visit several before you find one you like. Best of luck, and I hope you find and receive the counseling you seek. It really can make all the difference in the world.

Jill,
One must use some forethought into picking a counselor. There are all types. Unfortunately you cannot tell what you are going to get in one ahead of time.

Also unfortunately, among societys ills is a mindset these days that any inappropriate sexual contact MUST be a trauma (however benign) that supercedes all other considerations. You will never get anywhere with a therapist of this mindset. This is said not to diminish the negative effects of anyone who has been traumatised, but to indicate the unwillingness of many therapists to even acknowledge that not everyone is traumatised and there are even some people who use it as an excuse to misbehave in other ways.
You are the best judge of what you consider relevant or not.
There are therapists who specialize in the issues you are concerned about in almost every larger city. Try to get a reccommendation, some of them advertise, some online gender organizations can make referals.
Ive known several people whos therapists were picked from a phone book, with disasterous results.
It will take a bit of time, but if you like I can PM some links Ive found helpful in finding a competent counselor.


Sylvia

I've been to a number of therapists over the last 30 yrs and I've found that some of them should probably have persued a different calling. I've said before here that the first therapist that I tried to get honest with about CDing really didn't have a clue. All he said was "They do that a lot in England." A couple of them at least understood enough about it to know that it wasn't just a phase I was going through. Only one (as far as I'm concerned) understood that it didn't make me gay or bi, just a "simple" cross dresser. She didn't try to cure me or change me. She honestly tried to help me to come to terms with it and to ease the guilt.
I too was molested when I was about 12 or so. I know that this had nothing to do with dressing because I had been doing it at different levels since I was about 6 or 7.
I remember my mom, when she was going through a bitter divorce when I was very young saying something to the effect of all men are no good. They are all the same and none of them were any good. To my young mind I guess that must have sounded like the gospel truth. I wondered if this could have had something ( maybe everything?) to do with CDing. I knew I was a boy and that was okay because mom did'nt mean me. She loved me so I couldn't be bad. But I also realized that I would grow up to be a man and therefore I must be bad also. Out of all of the "reasons" for cross dressing, this one seemed the one that made the most sense to me, not that it matters much.
I've since decided that I may never know the many reasons that I dress in womans clothing and it wouldn't matter one lick if I did. I'm too busy with the art of living to spend more time on worrying about why I get pleasure from the things that I do.
Therapy has helped me tremendousy to put a lot of things in perspective. It has helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin without too much guilt or anxiety.
If you're not getting what you came to therapy for then you have the right to ask for another therapist. You are unique (just like everybody else,lol). A good therapist should recognize pretty quickly if you are not making any headway with your sessions and change accordingly to fit your particular needs.
Sorry, I tend to ramble on a lot when I get started.
Please listen to the advice you get from the people at this forum regarding coming out to your wife. They have all been there and know the best ways to help. They've helped my wife and I tremendously with advice on "baby steps" and all. We've got a ways to go yet but we are going to be just fine.
Good luck and God bless.
Love,
Lisbeth

I guess it's natural for a therapist that specializes in rape and molestaion trama to blame the CDing on it. I just wish it had't come out like that with my wife in the same session. She is much more bothered by having a CD/TV for a husbane than I first realized. Well I really have know one to blame but me, I hid it from her for so long the shock of finding out must be pretty hard to deal with. This computer is going away and not sure when the new one will be up and running so everyone take care and thank you for the support.

I'm a social worker (don't do therapy). I can tell you that it wouldn't be a leap to go from a childhood trauma like rape to a reason for CDing. It could be looked at as a defensive behavior (I'll dress like a girl since the offender likes boys). It then ends up as a "unhealthy coping mechanism."

With that said, only you and your counselor can determine that. Unfortunately, I think too many counselors look for trauma as the reason for anything not "normal", whether the two are connected or not.

And if you went for family (couples) counseling, that should be the focus. You are the client, you determine the direction and you determine the goals.

Lisbeth, what a great post! Honey, you rock!
Jill, honey, it is not easy and I know (been there done that)! I am not as Aeryn said, you don't want to seek a copout! You are who you are and I think I and my sisters here will stand up together and say, "It ain't going away!" You can repress it, supress it, ignore it, but the "GIFT" is part of you. You may have to take the BIG STEP of having Jill dress herself up, put on her make-up, her dress, heels etc. Then walk herself infront of that full length mirror and look at the person in the mirror looking back at her. Looking not at what she is wearing or how pretty she looks, but look into her eyes and into her soul and then ask yourself the BIG QUESTIONs "What does this person mean to me and what am I willing to sacrifice for her?" It is not easy, it can/will be life altering depending on what answers you hear coming back from her!
I can only speak for myself - I had to do it with Virginia and she has made me the happiest I have ever been in my life! She has shown me things, taught me things and brought things out in me that I would have never experienced had she not made herself known to me!!!
Good luck honey, I can only hope that you can find the contentment and the Eden that you seek!
We are here for you regardless of what road you choose on your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Love,
Virginia

Just an update and blowing off some stress. I see it's been a month since I gave up dressing, and counseling, and having talks with my wife that don't end in both of us mad. The urges are still strong (I think I hears yoda's voice here), Somedays the lest little thing can set me to thinking about flowing dresses and skirts. I really hoped I could keep busy enough to not have the desire in the back of my mind but it hasn't happened yet. So much for the last conseler telling me to get into my hobbies and it will take my mind off it. I guess if this is how I have to live, just CDing in my head, than that's what I'll do, but life is a little less fun this way. Well back to the shop to make more sawdust.

Jill, honey, we love you, but based on what you have said and I think you will find most if not all your "sisters" here will agree, sawdust or not-------- It ain't going away!!!! We are here for you and hope you will continue to share with us. If nothing else --- you are not alone in this, so keep talking to us.
Love,
Virginia