Crossdressers-Haven.com

Should I expect my spouse to accept my CDing’?

This question has many obvious answers and as many not so obvious ones as well,

Point of view = A personal observation based on a complex set of social rules that are translated by us in comparison to the majority.

Marriage = In legal form, a binding contract between two people. By use of this form, families are established to continue the human process in all avenues.

Bottom line:

There is no contract binder in marriage that says another must accept variations from the expected “norm” in their partner. Simply put, if you are outside the majority’s behavior, you cannot expect that your partner is responsible to accept such differences. This is where mutual respect and admiration and understanding come in. These cannot be delegated by law.

Accepted differences are just that. Accepted but not mandated. So in fairness to my spouse, I do not expect nor do I demand that my alternate personality be incorporated into our day-to-day lives as a married couple. I think that is reasonable and while may not be what I want, it serves both parties for the most part.

How do you view your situation?

Hugs

Danielle Marie

Well, there was a verbal contract which included "for better or for worse".

But no, I don't expect her to be accepting, I can only hope so.

Hi Danielle,

Accepted differences are just that. Accepted but not mandated. So in fairness to my spouse, I do not expect nor do I demand that my alternate personality be incorporated into our day-to-day lives as a married couple. I think that is reasonable and while may not be what I want, it serves both parties for the most part.

My only modification of the above would be to add "and SO" to "spouse". If the spouse/SO cannot accept and you cannot change, then the right thing would be to call it quits. It would save a lot of mutual unhappiness. This honest and open approach should be true not only for a CDr but for those with unusual habits or fetishes or homosexual behavior.

Well said, Danielle.

Hugs,

Lydia

I think it also needs to be clarified wether we are talking about accepting or participating. Many spouses sort of like the don't ask don't tell approach which may be all the acceptance they can handle.

Lots of things are unacceptable in marriage. There's the obvious ones like violence and pedophilia with your own kids. The more questionable ones like infidelity. And on to basic imcomplatability which is so hard to define, and the spouse who may be physically present but who really isn't there in any other sense.

The other side of the coin is should we accept their non acceptance?

Seems to me this is something individual couples must work out.

Absaroka

I don't think you can expect her to participate in your CDing, especially if you didn't tell her until well into the marriage. On the other hand, I think the "don't ask, don't tell" approach isn't that unreasonable to expect. You are bound to have at least some different hobbies and interests, and don't expect each other to participate in all of these. If you enjoyed skydiving but your wife was afraid of heights, you wouldn't make her jump out of a plane with you, would you? However, she shouldn't expect you to give up your hobby because it is something that scares her either. We might all hope that our SOs would be supportive and even get the same thrill out of our CDing that we do, but it isn't fair to them to expect them to feel a certain way: they feel what they feel, and they can't change that any more than we can change the fact that we are crossdressers.

If we are lucky, then we found a partner who isn't opposed to crossdressing in general. I knew from the outset that my wife was open-minded: a few of her closest friends were gay, she idolized 80s English bands where the guys wore mascara and sometimes more, and she "made" me watch Rocky Horror, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Even so, she wasn't quite ready to find out that her "normal" husband was a crossdresser. It's only over time that she has begun to accept this.

Jamie

Well said Jamie.

It probably bears repeating that the question involves acceptance of CDing, not acceptance of trnasexuality which is a very different, far deeper thing, but which sometimes gets confused with Cding.

Absaroka

Danielle La Belle wrote:Should I expect my spouse to accept my CDing’?

I can see two different ways of interpreting the question, and I think the answers are subtly different in each case.

One way of looking at it is "should I convince myself that it will probably go over well before I tell her?" Yes and no. I do think it's important to approach her with a positive attitude about your crossdressing. Any signs of feeling ashamed of yourself or being tentative about it will be read immediately and change the tone of the conversation. So go in with your chin up - but be prepared for the worst. I'd generally advocate being pleasantly surprised if things go well rather than totally unprepared for a negative reaction. Don't tell her on the way out the door to a social event - expect some tears and long conversations and make sure you've got time for it.

Another way of interpreting your question would be "is it my SO's duty to be supportive?" That's a tricky one. I think it's reasonable to ask someone you share your life with to do her best to understand. She should be prepared to talk about it, to read about it, and to take some time to think about what this means for the two of you. As others have stated she may decide she would rather not participate, may use the opportunity to build an even stronger bond between you, or may simply freak out and demand that you quit ... or else. Everyone has a duty to be true to their beliefs and make decisions they believe are in their best interests, marriage contract notwithstanding. Personally, I would rather not spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

There is clearly an element of risk involved in letting someone close to you know about your crossdressing whether they're friends, family, or your partner. Carefully measured risks can have tremendous rewards but you should proceed with your eyes wide open.

I have to agree with DonnaT about "for better or worse". After the dust settled my wife told me I'm still the same person she married no matter what cloths I have on

if we look at another subject perhaps things can be clearer.

I like model railroads. I have a layout in my office, I spend a certain amount of time and money on them, and I go to train shows.

My wife finds this entirely uninteresting. She accepts that I have them but doesn't participate with me in playing with them. I think she actually went to one train show once just to see what it was like. We don't talk about them much since she has no interest in them.

They aren't a shared activity. And if I were to preempt plans for something we were going to do together in favor of the trains, it would be best not to do it that often.

Trains don't have a lot of societal sanctions. True a lot of people think it's a somewhat childish hobby. (Why this is childish but watching men throw balls through a hoop or hitting them with bats is not is a question of arbitrary societal rules.) But the point is that even with such a benign hobby as model railroading compromises must be made and a certain amount of thought must be devoted to how it impacts one's spouse.

Now go to something like CDing which is absolutely loaded with cultural baggage, enough to fill a mile long freight train.......No wonder compromise and communication become important.

Another paradigm. We've all seen the bumper sticker that says "my wife said to choose between her and fishing. It's too bad, I'm really going to miss her" And here we are talking about an activity that can actually put food on the table.

There probably really is somewhere a thread in a forum about should spouses be expected to accept fishing.......

Absaroka

Absaroka

Your paradigm is an excellent one, Absaroka. Clearly you and your spouse have solved the situation by open communication. That, I think, is the key: honest and mutual cooperation and communication.

In my own life, my wife of 50 years and I enjoyed a happy, cooperative marriage. True, I had to suppress my CDing, and there were many differences between us. We were married in our 20's, and thus young enough to adjust to each others idiosyncrasies. We shared many things, but did not sacrifice our individualities.

Some years after my wife died, I met my current SO. She, btw, accepts and cooperates with my CDing. We have many things in common, but we are also set in our ways and independant. We are in love, but live "apart together", and maintain our own homes. At our age, the adjustment to actually living together is virtually impossible. However, the essence of our relationship is frank, honest communication.

I don't know what I did to deserve being so lucky, but I just present my capsule history as an example of how a relationship can work.

Hugs,

Lydia

I too think there needs to be a definition of "accepting" before you talk about expectations. There's "acceptance" - the recognition that the situation exists AND the absence of efforts to change the situation or stop the behavior. And there's "embracing" the CDing - whether the SO chooses to participate in it or not - embracing being a welcoming attitude toward it, even if she draws the line at her own participation in it.

For example, an SO who buys lipstick and skirts for you but draws the line at the bedroom would still be embracing it. Acceptance would be an SO who doesn't fuss if you buy your own lipstick and skirts.

Somewhere in the middle is the SO who doesn't particularly buy you anything, but doesn't flip out if you sit down to dinner in a skirt.

I think that it is foolish to expect, or demand, that someone embrace something that doesn't turn them on, either sexually or emotionally. But yes, I do think that it is reasonable to assume that she will "accept" it - i.e. not try to change you or make you stop doing it. It would, however, be unrealistic to anticipate that all SOs are going to even accept it -

There is a third category - accepting that it is what it is and that it won't change, but acknowledging that it simply does not work for the SO and that she does not care to continue the relationship. It falls under the very broad category of "irreconcilable differences". What is inexcusable in any relationship is the emotional pressure to change who you fundamentally are and the emotional abuse of being derided for it, whether the topic is CDing or career choice or IQ level or having a thing for model trains. I think that some of the things that are said to you guys is appalling. I can't imagine calling my guy a freak or telling him I'm ashamed of him. That's just plain rude...

-g(so)

My wife is not accepting at all she will not tolerate it. She still married me knowing of what I am though. I don't expect her to accept my crossdressing around her I just wish she wouldn't be so negative about it.
I would be fine if she didn't want to be around it.

Brandi -

Although your wife doesn't like it, she is at least 'tolerating' Brandi, right? After all, she still married you and she knew about you being CD before the marriage. I presume she's not saying that Brandi can't come out, she just doesn't want to see Brandi or know more about her?

Again, you should encourage your wife to join the Forum - she definitely needs to meet other SO's, and CD's as well, if only to talk about her feelings with others 'in the know.'

- SL

Well, to begin with, if, IF the GG knew before the nuptials and she went ahead and committed, then part of the onus is on her!!!! If you = the crossdresser, did not tell her (shame on you!) or you - you the crossdresser did not know you had the "gift" until you were married for "oh, say, 20+ years" (me me me = Virginia) then it can raise a lot of issues in the relationship.

As my sisters have alluded to, what defines "acceptance" is defined by each SO/GG. The topic has been addressed in the past, i.e., "what if the proverbial shoe was on the other foot?" She tells you she has desires to wear a fake beard, participate in a Bass Tournament, drive a race car or a racing boat, just so she could fit in with the Neanderthals. I know, I know, it ain't the same thing, but, when she starts stuffing rolled up socks down her pants, sticking her hand in her pants, belching loudly, slouching on the couch with legs spread, spitting, etc. Hello?? I know, but it is for comparative purposes.

No, if graded on a curve, she should not accept it!!!!!! That being said, you would hope that she did not throw up her arms and go running back to Ma-Ma! (me me). You would hope that she would at least be open-minded enough to try and learn about this new aspect of the "man" she married!

I have to be blunt here and most of you know how I feel about this. If, if you truly have a place reserved on the "crossdressers continuum" and you believe "it ain't gonna go away," that you do truly have "The Gift." Well you have possibly a life changing challenge ahead of you! Oh, you can suppress it or repress it or ignore it - you will not be happy, but it has been done and can be done. Let's say that you don't want to, then you may have to take the Virginia Challenge and it ain't easy!!!!!!! You dress that girl to the very best of your ability, then you take that walk (what some call the "perp walk") to that big full length mirror. You stand in front of it and you look at the "girl in the mirror." You look, NOT how she is dressed, i.e., do her shoes match her purse, but you YOU look into her eyes, deep in her eyes, then you ask the big question: "What is she worth to you and what are you willing to give up for her?"

That will determine your happiness, maybe for the rest of your life!!!!

Well, you asked and that is what it can come down to, that or living in constant fear for the rest of your life that someone may someday open "your closet" and there you stand, "a guy in a dress!"

Just this girl's opinion!

Love you all,

Virginia

Well put Virginia

Absaroka