Crossdressers-Haven.com

I have found it helpful to read other people's stories, so I thought I would share mine, in case it could help someone else.

I first told my wife, Kate, that I was a cross-dresser in September 2002. We had been married a little over a year. In retrospect, I should have told her before we were married; she certainly deserved to know, but I will get to that later.

One evening we were having a few drinks and just sitting around. She was talking about some problems she was having with one of her friends. She then asked me “You’re always so normal. Do you have any problems you want to talk about?” The night before I had told her that it might be fun to go to a Rocky Horror showing as Frankenfurter (she laughed it off). After all those years of never being able to tell anyone about my CDing, I finally decided to come out with it. Or maybe it was just the booze. Anyway, I said “Well there is one thing that I’ve lived with most of my life. I hinted at it last night. You know how I said I wanted to try on a Frankenfurter costume, well I sometimes like to wear women’s clothing.”

She took it pretty well at first. She asked me some details, such as what I did and how often. She said as long as I wasn’t gay and I didn’t actually want to become a woman, she guessed it was okay, and I assured her that I wasn’t and didn’t. She suggested that if we go to Rocky Horror, we could go as Magenta and Colombia, two of the female characters. After talking some more we went to sleep, with me feeling like a heavy burden had been lifted off my chest.

The next morning though was not so good. Kate had been thinking about it and was very confused. First, she felt betrayed that I hadn’t told her before we were married. She had told me very personal things about herself because she thought I deserved to know before we were married, and felt that I owed her the same respect. She was right, and if I could have done things differently I would. However, it’s hard to describe the stigma one perceives as a closet crossdresser. At the time, I also didn’t feel that it was an important aspect of who I am. I did it behind closed doors and didn’t hurt anyone. The second thing that bothered her was that she didn’t know if she could love me anymore. She said whenever she looked at me, she pictured me dressed as a woman, and that just turned her off. She felt like I trapped her in the relationship and that she didn’t have the chance to make a choice about whether she could love me. I tried to explain that I was still the same person, that this was just something I enjoyed that didn’t fundamentally change who I was, but she didn’t believe me.

The next few days were rough. She yelled a lot, spent a lot of time by herself and threatened to leave me. We slept in different beds. I was miserable and even briefly thought of killing myself (although I wasn’t really serious). I couldn’t imagine how I had ruined two lives that were going perfectly. We had just moved into our house and things were wonderful only a few days before. I think the hardest thing for her was that she couldn’t talk about it with anybody else. To make things worse, my parents were coming to visit us that weekend and she wanted me to call it off. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t sure how to explain it. Finally, she agreed to let them come visit and to pretend like everything was okay.

I think the parents’ visit helped. Maybe it was that she saw me as a normal guy again. Just a regular son who loved his family and who didn’t act feminine in public. The second night they were here, we made up. She told me she loved me and couldn’t imagine life without me. I told her the same and we promised to get through it together. I also promised her I would talk to a councilor about it. She ordered "My Husband Betty" (specifically for wives of crossdressers) to try and understand me better. I consider myself very lucky to have such a wonderful wife. She still doesn't embrace my crossdressing, but has tried hard to understand it, and we have set boundaries that I think both of us are happy with.

Jamie

p.s. Happy mother's day to all the mom's out there!

Hi Jamie,
I think you guys are off to a good start. My Husband Betty was the first thing I read and it was very helpful. It also might be helpful for your wife to come here and read posts from other CD and the SOs. She might feel better knowing there are many of us who live very happily with CD in our lives. We'd be happy to communicate with her, either through posting or via PMs.
Terri
remember though, as SilverLady often says...baby steps!

I wish I had not told my wife. We are stuck at that spot were we both know our marriage has changed but we can't change our views of CD/TV. I wish she would at least look on line or read up on it but the whole subject puts her in a panic . To be fair I'm so stressed out about it that I am probabley not doing my part either. Good luck to both of you.

Jamie--
That's a heart-rendering tale, and you tell it very well. I have had experiences that were similiar, only they were about other issues. They also were not about things that I had withheld, but about disruptive things that came up in the here/now. It's still terrible to go through the temporary separation and the fights, but it doesn't feel as bad if it's a current event, and not a secret from the past.

You end up feeling like if only you'd kept your mouth shut, life could have stayed normal. That is hard to second-guess, and everyone here has some experience with should I or shouldn't I tell?

My own feeling is that you pay a price in physical and emotional stress when you hold onto that particular secret. Not everyone feels that 'price' the same way--for some, I think it's like a small sales tax, that they're willing to pay to keep a good marriage. For others, it may start that way, and then the payments become higher and higher until they're well aware of how much stress it takes to maintain the secret.

Most times I'm always glad to hear about an attempt to clear the air, but your story (and Jill's post) do give me pause. Still, it's a decision we all have to make on our own. I'm biased in favor of telling, no matter how rough the consequences seem in the short-term.

I've lived with constant stress for months at a time, in periods of my life, and I'm adament about never wanting to do that again. That's why it was not hard to know that I was going to reveal my 'secret' within the same year that I learned about it--I knew that I couldn't live with a secret that big. We're all different; I only say that to emphasize the bias I mentioned earlier. I hope that you can make this work out, now that you've chosen the 'open' path.

As can be seen, each of us seems to approach this differently. GG's (in general) have no point of reference when this "gift" is presented to them.

Some, as we have seen, are open-minded enough to at least listen, and then try and learn about it and some even develop what one SO's approach was, "Fine! What's in it for me!?" Wow, that would be interesting to deal with would it not!? Anyway, some (like my 'ex) threw up her hands and went screaming back to mama. So there are different levels of acceptance and/or non-acceptance. No insults intended, but GG's never forget --- when "we" come out to them, regardless of how they may or may not accept it, it is something that they can "hold over you" until------------------- "uh, well Your Honor, I feel I am entitled to 75% of his assets, because --- well he is a "crossdresser!" Ugly?? yes, happens, yes! As I continue to say, at some point you may have to take "Virginia's Challenge:" Dress up, take the "perp walk" to the big full length mirror, look at the girl looking back at you, not at how pretty she is, or what she is wearing, but who she is! Then the big questions, "What is she worth to you and what are you willing to give up for her?"

Good luck, we are here for you and your SO's are always welcome!

Let us know what we can do to support you!

Love,
Virginia

Hi Jamie,
I too know what you and your wife are feeling as I went through almost the same thing only I didn't tell her she found my cloths. So I had to come clean and tell her the entire story and like your wife mine felt betrayed and lied to.

Now we had been married 35 years and she felt I have been lieing to her all that time. Took a long time before she came around and we talked about it, I believe the turning point was when I talked her into going to a Tri-Ess meeting with me and she had a chance to talk with other wifes of crossdressers and believe me it made a big in pack on her. The best part was she meet Betty Rudd and was given a signed book " My husband wears my cloths".

I too believe if she would talk to other wifes on this forum or if you could get her to a support group meeting it would help. I wish only the best for you both.

Everyone, thanks for the feedback, suggestions and support. I should clarify that actually my wife is fairly supportive. She takes our daughter out of the house for a few hours a week in order to give me time to dress in private, she has occasionally bought me little items like tights or heels, she has even helped me dress a handful of times. That said, she generally prefers not to see me dressed. All in all, I feel that I have it pretty good. Although it was tough, I'm now glad that I shared my secret, and am much happier than I was before telling. By the way, I have mentioned this forum to her once, and she wasn't particularly interested. I'm of the mind to not "rock-the-boat" now given that what we are doing is working.

In terms of advice to "in-the-closet" CD's, I still think telling is better than not telling. However, don't do it the way I did! Ideally, you should tell your SO before you are married. However, this means you also must become very comfortable with who you are by that time too. If you tell her in such a way that its a big embarrassing secret, as opposed to a "gift" as Virginia calls it, then your SO is more likely to think negatively of it. With the Web and forums like this one, it is possible for young CD's to learn that they aren't alone and that they aren't a freak. This should hopefully make it easier to learn where they fall on the CD spectrum, accept themselves, and tell before marriage. If you're already married, then there is a difficult decision that has to be made. I think Virginia makes a good suggestion in how to make your choice. However, there is always the possibility that you will lose your SO or permanently damage the relationship.

Jamie

Jill S,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. Does your wife have moral objections to crossdressing? Or does she have no problem with the concept, but is simply freaked out by the fact that her husband is a CD? If the later, then there is some hope. That was the case with my wife and I.

I think communication is essential in any relationship. If you have trouble talking to your wife about the subject, maybe you could try writing a letter to her. If you do, make sure that it isn't accusing, that it expresses how much you love her, tells her exactly how you feel, and that provides some pointers to places where she could get more information (like this forum). If you haven't already, you should take a look at the various postings on this board from SOs. That could give you some insights into how your wife is feeling. Good luck!

Jamie

JamieG wrote:If you're already married, then there is a difficult decision that has to be made. I think Virginia makes a good suggestion in how to make your choice. However, there is always the possibility that you will lose your SO or permanently damage the relationship. - - {Emphasis added by SL}

In that case, I very seriously doubt, then, that the CD issue is the sole reason for the loss or damaged relationship. Nope, I don't buy that theory or argument at all.

More likely than not, there are more problems going on in the relationship and the CD aspect may have been the "last straw to break the SO's back." It is by far easier for the SO (and/or the CD) to blame it on the crossdressing - more people will readily believe that to be the reason - and thereby both parties are really ignoring the underlying reason(s) for the troubled relationship.

The key to any successful relationship is true love, and with that being honest. Maintain open communication (talk with each other, not to each other), and be willing to compromise - remembering that compromise is a two-way street, with equal give and take from both parties.



- SL

Very well said S.L. That is exactly what I think too!

love,
Curly

Silver Lady,

I hope you are right. It would be nice to know that true love conquers all. I believe that my wife and I truly are soul mates, and even with our situation it was touch-and-go whether the relationship would survive. If I told her after say 20 years of marriage (instead of one), or if she had religious objections to crossdressing, the outcome might have been different. I felt it would be irresponsible of me not to put in a disclaimer: just because telling worked out for me does not mean it will work for everybody -- your mileage may vary.

That said, I do agree with your key points. True love, honesty, communication, and compromise are essential to any relationship, GG paired with CD, or otherwise. And certainly the CD issue can be an easy excuse to end a relationship that is already missing one or more of these key ingredients.

Jamie

Jamie - First off, KUDOS to you for coming out and telling your wife before she found out for herself. I know it's really really hard, but YOU DID IT! YAY!

As for your wife's reaction, it seems pretty normal to me. As the wife of a crossdresser who was FORCED out of the closet 4 days ago, I can tell you that it's hard to accept that you've been systematically lied to for moths or years and that your SO has sexual fantasies and desires that they haven't included you in. It's very difficult especially if you have some hang-ups about crossdressing.

In my situation, I'm actually turned on by my husband's crossdressing, so it's something we can play with in an erotic and intimate sense. Although I'm still very angry with him about all the lies and deception, our sex life has dramatically improved. We are the exception, though. For most couples, it takes a VERY VERY long time for the woman to become comfortable seeing the MAN she fell in love with dressed as a woman. Still, even though I am more than accepting of the crossdressing, the lies and secrets are hard to forgive. So we are both working very hard to build up the trust that my husband destroyed all by himself. I won't say there isn't resentment. There is. I resent being deprived of the choice, I resent being lied to, I resent the fact that he went outside our marriage for ANY form of sexual gratification, and I resent not being trusted. Yes. HE did not trust ME enough to know that I would love him no matter what. There's ALOT of resentment and confusion and betrayal that we have to work through. And I am pi$$ed that my husband did all this damage out of his own selfishness and fear, and yet I am the one who has to struggle for acceptance and peace.

The fact is, you betrayed your wife. I hate to sound harsh, but it's true. Now, I know you probably would do EVERYTHING differently if you had a chance, and I'm certain that you feel badly about waiting so long to tell her. But you have to come to grips with what ACTUALLY happened and how she percieves it. What if she had a "dirty little secret" that she had been keeping from you, even through marriage? Wouldn't you feel betrayed? I know crossdressing is "taboo", but guess what.... So is bisexuality, and my husband knew that about me from our first date. I say this because you mentioned that your wife shared personal secrets that she felt you "deserved" to know, and that means she made herself vulnerable to you and you abused that vulnerability by omitting your own personal secrets. You violated her trust, and being in love is about trust, so you also violated the sanctitiy of the love she feels for you. No matter how much you (or any other man in this situation) say you thought it wasn't significant or whatever, the fact is that most men DO know how significant it is, and that's why they CHOOSE to keep secrets and lie. Now, I must admit that I found out about my husband's crossdressing by accident. He didn't tell me. So there's that added element to my feelings on the subject. I'm not trying to be mean or rude here.... I just want you to understand that even women who are OK with the crossdressing (like myself) might not be able to get over the betrayal, or they might take a VERY long time to do so. And women who are NOT OK with the crossdressing (like your wife) have even more hurdles to jump.

I'm glad that your parents' visit helped, and I sincerely hope that you and your wife can work through the complicated issues ahead. Love really DOES conquer all, as long as the honesty and trust can be restored. Open communication and NO MORE HIDING are keys for me and my family.... You just have to find what works in your own intimate relationship. Good luck, and please tell your wife that if she has any questions or ever wants to talk, I'm always here. You can give her my e-mail addy if you like - just send me a PM. Sometimes it helps to talk to other women who are going through similar situations. Best wishes for you and your family!

-Tiffany