tears

[Jennifer M]

The last two days I have been in and out of tears and I just need to let some feelings out but my mind is just so full of emotions. Its very hard to sort them all out. It seems almost everything I experience goes thru both genders. It is really very tiring. Maybe thats all it is, I have been having frequent nightmares lately. Somedays I just wish I could turn my thoughts off, of course I cant. When I get like this I tend to get short fused but only because my mind is so full and I cant process any more requests. I try so hard but sometimes I just get angry to let it out. I know this, and not the dressing itself contributed to my getting divorced. It is something I work on but at this time I find it easier just to shut down emotionally. I know this has happened because the people I know are noticing. I do have someone I see and talk to, it just seems that I am educating the one who is supposed to help me. That doesnt help. Problem is, any of the others I have been to have tried to cure me or tell me I am schitzo(sp). I dont believe I am or that a cure is possible. I am just getting by at this point but I want more. I want to be happy again, I want my smile back. In time I hope.

[DonnaT]

Sorry you are having these problems Jennifer.

Have you been checked for and diagnosed with depression? If so, are you on meds, and had them checked?

One thing that has helped some is not keeping things bottled up. They'll keep a journal and write down all their thoughts.

Sometimes this helps process those thoughts, and clear the mind.

As you have apparently realized, keeping things bottled up leads to explosive situations where one would normally remain calm.

[Penni SO]

Hello Jennifer,

What your going through is what many go through daily in life,but when your going through it you can feel so very alone and isolated, I agree with DonnaT in maybe talking to your GP about how you feel.

I also think that writing things down is an excellent idea, it allows you to purge your feelings from within and at sometime down the track look back at where you have come from.

It is important to heal yourself from the past ... you mentioned divorce so I am going with that very critical time in ones life ... I have been through it myself and honestly it is a time of self blame, low self esteem, fear for the future etc, a mixed bags of I am glad it is over to having to start over again.

Often the thoughts that go through our minds are a continual merry go round ride, the only problem with every completeion of the circle our problems tend to feel they are getting larger, thus we feel we can't get out of the rut we are in.

The fact is we can get out of the rut, it takes time and I guess it takes our commitment to change our thoughts to want to heal ourself.

Often we refuse to look at positive thoughts as they seem so unreachable or even a little scary, we are often safe with the negative.

Jennifer, you have the capacity to take in the fullness of life, lovingly live it to its fullest potential .... but it takes time.

Take the time to address all the reasons that you are feeling the way you do ... then 1 by 1 work through those feelings, if an action needs to be changed then so be it, especially if it is going to start you feeling happy and in control of your life.

Honestly, you are a very special person, yes you crossdress a part of you, we are all on a journey in life to find our fullest potential, dressing is a part of you that helps you see the softer side of yourself to view it with different eye's other than what is expected of a man, I guess what I am trying to say is that we are here for you, reach out to us as much as you can, perhaps talking things through with people of the same community, may just help to heal your life and your soul.

Hugs to you Penny

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Jennifer - Alot of what you have described reminds me alot of myself. Granted, I'm not a CD, but I am bipolar. The cycling thoughts, feelings of being overwhelmed, uncontrollable anger, self-loathing, and wishing it would all just go away.... These are all red flags for major depression or bipolar disorder. I would strongly suggest that you speak with a doctor or couselor about these feelings (WHILE YOU ARE STILL FEELING THEM) and see what a professional says.

I also have been through a painful divorce as a result of my bipolar disorder. My inability to even identify my feelings, much less communicate them to my ex was what caused the divorce. He gave up on me, but long before he did that, I had given up on myself. I understand that now and have gotten treatment for my bipolar. I met Joe (my CD) after years of therapy and medication, and for a time, we were able to make things work beautifully. We have an absolutely perfect daughter and are expecting our second child in Dec. This time, it has been my husband's inability to open up to ME that has been a major problem for us. The lies and secrecy surrounding his CDing are STILL causing us problems. But I have taken the attitude that I will not abandon him the way I was abandoned by my first husband. I would encourage you not to abandon yourself.

What I mean by that is this..... Sometimes you do have to educate the people who are trying to help you. The reason for that is because only YOU know what's going on inside that pretty head of yours. No one can read your mind or your emotions. It took me nearly 5 years to get an accurate diagnosis and effective treatment for my bipolar disorder after my divorce. It was scary and hard and EXTREMELY frustruating. I was talking to professionals. I expected THEM to be able to tell ME what was going on inside my head.... After all, that's what they're trained to do, right? WRONG! They are trained to help YOU identify what your problems are and to point you in the right direction to help yourself. So don't give up..... Keep sharing, no matter how difficult or painful it may be. Take responsibility for your own mental health and grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. Do not let your emotions control your rational thought. It's up to YOU.... No one can do it FOR you.... But you can certainly get help. You just have to reach out for it.

As for what you said about everything you go through going through BOTH genders..... Welcome to womanhood. I think alot of the other GGs on the forum will tell you that the reason so many men are mystified by the emotional range of women is because most do not understand that women (well, MOST women anyway) have the ability to experience masculine emotions, and we often feel guilty and overwhelmed by it. A perfect example is this..... There's a bluegrass song that has lyrics that I think are perfect....

1.I hated like the devil
To tell her we were through
I was sure it would break her heart
Tear her world in two

She is such a fragile thing
Lord, I hate to make her cry
So I broke it to her gently
When I told her goodbye

C. She cussed me like a sailor
Kicked a hole through the kitchen wall
She threw a fit and threw the phone
Half-way down the hall

She said"I'll be down at the bar"
Then I heard the front door slam
I guess all in all
She took it like a man

2.I was thinking she'd reach out to me
And beg me not to go
Or run straight to her momma's
'Cause I'd hurt her so

Thought she'd be devastated
I had a tender moment plan
I didn't think that she could take it
But she took it like a man

Sometimes women don't react the way most men think they will to certain things..... It's just part of being a woman. So it's natural that your male self and female self might sometimes "switch" their coping mechanisms. I can't give you much help in the way of advice or anything.... But you're not alone, and most women have felt the way you do, as I would imagine most men have too (not being a man, I can't say for sure.... But I'd bet plenty of men have been turned into a sniveling, crying, emotional wreck by certain things in their lives, no matter how macho or manly they might appear to others). The point is, if you shut down completely, you're not doing EITHER of your selves any justice, and you're not giving yourself a chance.

I wish you luck and hope you can find some peace. I'm here to talk if you ever need support or if you would like more information about depression or bipolar disorder.

-Tiffany

[Virginia]

Jennifer,
I can not add to what our sisters have offered.

What I can say is I hope you find the balance in your life and perhaps you can use some of what has been offered here. With tears in my eyes, as I try and write this I can only say how fortunate we are to be participants, sisters, members of this sorority. The caring love that can be felt here is beyond description for me anyway!

You are all wonderful!!!

I love you all!

Virginia

[Jennifer M]

I am feeling alot better tonight. Being able to have someone who will listen and not judge has made a huge difference. I thank each and everyone of you for being here. I have been keeping a journal since 2003. Writing down how i feel really does help and I also recommend it.

Depression and meds have been discussed, we both concluded that I just get so overwhelmed at times, like last night. Being tired just exaggerates it. I have been busy with work and not sleeping well. Thankfully there were no nightmares last night. It is uncommon for me to have them and the last few weeks I had them almost every night. Still not sure why, not sure if the reason matters much.

Virginia has found the words to say how I feel about all of you. Being fairly new here I am amazed at the acceptance and support I have found. Big hugs to all of you.

[Absaroka]

Hungry angry lonely tired.

I can cope with one. Two not so well. All four at once very badly.

I tend to be more prone to depression when I'm tired and hungry. I guess it makes sense-the body has fewer physical reserves. Sometimes a good meal and a nap will do wonders for my outlook.

Absaroka

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Absaroka,

Spot on, looking after the temple our soul resides in is extremely important.

Sometime ago on another forum, healthy mood foods were discussed. I will track the discussion down Jennifer, apparently there is a book called 'Foods for Moods' which discusses depression etc and what foods are best to eat.

Also sleep is an important factor, often people who are feeling like yourself are not getting a good nights sleep, you are either tossing and turning, waking many times, or just not getting to sleep at all. So if you have that problem, please seek the advice of a Naturopath, or GP.

Hugs Penny

[Anita]

Hi Jennifer--

Writing down things in a journal is good practice. I also write a list of problems, on days when I'm overwhelmed the minute I get out of bed.

I put them all down, quickly. Then I give each one some thought, and maybe write down a few lines about it. Then I tell myself that I won't look at the list or think about it, for at least an hour, or maybe two.

I keep my promise--if my mind wants to obsess about the list, I tell myself, "I've done the work on that for now." I know I've got the list--it's all there. If a truly productive thought comes up, I'll recognize that, and write it down. Everything else gets turned away until it's time to look at the list again.

I just find that on days when I've got to work, this ritual shuts down the endless speculation about problems that I can't solve right that minute.

I'm glad you're doing better.