Tired of this

[Jill S]

I hate being a tranny.
I hate ;

The only time I can feel at ease with it is when I'm wearing a dress or skirt.

That my wife hates it and wants me "cured".

That I keep searching for the mythical cure.

That guilt is my only reaction to what should be a joy.

That the desire is getting stronger as I get older.

I'm sorry for the rant but I feel very trapped lately. I have been thinking of joining a local support group but afraid of what it might do to my marriage.

[Jennifer M]

Hi Jill,
I know what you are going thru and how stressful it can be. I hope everything works out well for you.Take care.

[DonnaT]

Sorry Jill.

I don't know that a support group will help, but professional counseling may. Just as long as the counselor doesn't offer a cure (there is no cure) and doesn't rely on religion as a means/method of 'help'.

That includes couples counseling.

One shouldn't feel guilt for being trans. It's not a choice.

One shouldn't hate being trans either, that just means one is hating themself.

[Virginia]

Well said Donna,

Try and get some help, girlfriend. You are who you are and as Donna said, it ain't going away.

We are here for you and if you need to "vent" that is fine, too!

Please stay in touch with us.

Virginia

[Lucy Michelle]

Donna has summed up my thoughts and I agree with her advicel, The members here are willing to listen if you want to talk it through as many have been in similar positions and can help.

Best wishes Jill

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Jill,

Please seek some couple counselling together.
There is no cure,and it would seem that the older a crossdresser gets the greater the desire...who knos this could be due to the increase of oestrogen.

Couples need time for each other and they need to alone to be independent and seek what makes them happy and allows internal growth.

Guilt is there whilsy you allow it to be there,sure dressing in a dress is not natural for everyone in this world,but it works for you,it is natural to you.

Allow some time to sit and talk to your loved one about how you feel,seek out support through the group here ,people know what your saying they live as well,and they will be able to listen without judgement.

Don't be so hard on yourself,stop fighting being Trans and maybe see the positives of being Trans .

HUgs Penny

[Amanda Barber]

It doesn't go away.

Increasing desire and chronic depression while in drab is why I eventually went full time.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm sorry you feel trapped, and I sympathize with your plight. That said, I do believe there's a lot of perspective involved. I know that it isn't always easy and that other people will always play a role in how we see ourselves, but I also know that I can choose who to surround myself with and how to interpret their feedback. I can't provide any better guidance than you've received already in this thread, but I can share my own way of looking at my situation.

I (usually) love being trans. I love ...

The knowledge that I can wear anything I want in private, and can push any boundaries that feel worth pushing in public. The only real limits are my own comfort level.

That I know how lucky I am to have a wife who accepts me for who I am, but we have worked hard to communicate and ensure that everyone feels like they have been heard.

That the idea of a cure isn't something I've ever seriously contemplated. What would it mean to find a cure for being me, and how could that possibly be a good thing?

Having learned not to accept the guilt others would wish on me - while still holding on to the thrill of doing something new and different.

That however much I've explored of my feminine self, there's always more to embrace and learn about.

[Absaroka]

Sorry you feel so discouraged Jill. Yor feelings are what they are and if you are angry about it all perhaps that is just where you are right now as you move through this to wherever you are going.

Counseling does sound like it might be helpful.

I don't know about it never going away, never is a very big word. However for many of us it does not go away and does not appear to be doing so for you. So the key will be acceptance and that may require assistance.

It's okay to be angry about the whole thing. Keep posting.

Absaroka

[Jill S]

I am really in a "Why me?" mood lately. I think trying to suppress my urges has made me a little mental. Since telling her last October I have only dressed a hand full of times and can hardly look her in the eye after. We have been to two councilor's together and I went to a third one myself. It didn't do much for me. Amanda what you said scares me! I have fantasies about being a woman full time but I really hope they are just that! I could never survive it but I know we each have our own road to go down. I even have some guilt about coming to this site, so peace to all of you I'll be off finding a safe way to de-stress myself.

Reluctantly, Jill

[JamieG]

Jill,

We're all here for you. I've certainly gone through times of self-loathing, and I imagine many of the other CDs have too. It helps to talk it out with understanding people, so post as much as you need too. A support group may help; it certainly helps me. Although most of our meetings we just sit around and talk while wearing our skirts (its not like an AA meeting, other groups may differ), simply being able to dress without being judged is a big relief. I have basically come to accept that being a CD is simply a part of me: like having brown hair or brown eyes. That's no reason to hate yourself.

I don't know what the situation is like with your wife. Have you tried to reach a compromise: even if its simply: you get to dress when she's not around and don't have to feel guilty for it?

Jamie

[Merinda]

I know exactly how you feel Jill ,

I'm sick of my continual mood swings and continually changing my mind , I'm happy to be a woman one day and then hate it the next.

Although I'm sick of the rollercoaster I have learned to live with it.

Stay with this support group Jill , your not alone.

[Stephanie W]

Jill

Hope you're feeling better today. Your feelings are nothing unusual. For many people these ups and down just come with the territory. Stay focused on who you are and doing what feels right and you'll get through this. You know you have lots of support here. Good luck.

Stephanie

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Jill, I'm so sorry your wife has not been accepting.

Accepting the things about ourselves that are "different" or unique can be difficult for anyone. For me, accepting bisexuality and mental illness have both been tough roads. Failed relationships, self loathing, emotional baggage..... They all come with the territory. Not being a CD, I can't help you with the specific issues you face, but I can tell you that you are beautiful, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who love and accept you for who you are.... And THAT INCLUDES YOURSELF!

We love you. I sincerely hope you can get your head on straight and start taking care of yourself.... You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

-Tiffany

[KarenW]

..must be somn in the air as I am in the very same mode right now, almost scared of this part of me. Wanting to experience it but beat down by the non accpetance all around me. Tired of swimming upstream, feeling like its time to at least try to do the right thing and turn around and swim with the current instead of against it. Just be a man once and for all and forget this wanting. It simply is not gonna work and its just not worth it.

Time to bow down to what society says I am supposed to be, this depression is killing me. Acceptance means not only accepting this but also accepting the limits of society too.

Either that or continue this constant yearning leading to a constant depression. Time to accept it, CDing is wrong once and for all.