Crossdressers-Haven.com

Growing Old

Thursday March 18, 2004

I have not posted or even checked the forum lately, not because I am upset or shunning it, but because life has thrown me a curve ball. Now that things are calming down a bit and I have caught my breath I feel like writing again. I apologize if this seems to be off topic, but the events of the last couple weeks have been pretty sobering and I think some of what I write here will provoke some thoughts, if not some comments.

To begin, my father is in his mid-seventies and in relatively good health, up until the last few weeks. He went in and out of the hospital and back in over the last few weeks with several conditions that have left him weak and a little depressed. He determined that since he is alone at home (Mom passed away many years ago) he needed to be transferred from the hospital to a nursing home. We did this yesterday and I was left so upset over the whole ordeal it made me think of my CDing and growing old.

To begin with, do CD’ers grow old and fade away from their desires to dress? I am 55 and the desires are as strong as they were the day I began at the age of 12 or 13. But does age bring a change? Does anyone know a CD that is 60, 70, or 80? I am struck with that old cliché, “Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.” So what about us? Do we just fade away?

I confronted my thoughts about this yesterday as I sat there in the nursing home director’s office and heard all the rules about living in this environment, in short, “you must conform to our way of life to survive.” So how would a CD conform? First there is the dressing, I don’t care how liberal the state you live in, going to a nursing home dressed is more than likely not going to happen.

We discussed my fathers clothing needs, in very specific terms, and it would not fit a CD. They want cotton everything, 5 changes, no more no less, and everything must be marked with a name in big black letters. Not the picture I want to think about with the garments that I enjoy. There are no guarantees that your garments will be returned and in what condition. And everything you bring into the place must be on the property list you compile as you enter. So the whole world will know what your dressing choices are.

No restrictive garments are allowed. By this they indicted that everything should be easy to slip in and out of and not in any way restrict movement or blood flow. And of course everything needs to be durable and in no way present a trip hazard.

Another problem that we discussed was the use of blade razors, wow, electric razors only, and no blades in the place. How many of you right now would throw out your blade razors? I know I depend on mine since shaving is critical to the way I feel and look.

What about other dressing habits, wigs, nails, perfumes, make-up? Trust me, conformity means that you will reduce your need for these items since you get two baths a week and these are attended by a nurse, forget the luxury of a lying in a tub of bubbles, the scented candles, and soft music. Sharing a room means all your toiletries are on an open shelf in the bathroom for the world to see, think no privacy.

Now before you think that we checked him into some hellhole of a place rest assured that my father is not without funds and this is a very nice, modern, and well respected home. But when you warehouse people, many of who don’t know what day it is or perhaps even who they are, conformity is essential.

I hope I haven’t rambled around this too much. I was simply dumb struck yesterday how little I appreciate my private moments with my CD. Yes I think I enjoy them, but realized that when my age starts to show more than it does all ready, I will be forced to conform to the world’s view of me, and that is of a man, not a man who enjoys the feminine side.

So after a restless night thinking of all of this I guess I look to this group to perhaps answer a few of my questions. Namely, do we know of any elderly CD’s or do they just fade away? What will we do when the need to conform is thrust upon us and there is no reversing it? We all face the need to conform in some way to get along right now, some more than others. But we also have the ability to practice our CDing either publicly, semi-public ally, or privately as we choose.

But what will happen to us the day our sons and daughters are faced with my task yesterday? Will this side of us cease to exist? I nearly laughed out loud at one point when the director discussed the need for the resident to “maintain an acceptable social and spiritual life much the same as before they entered the home?” I had a picture of me dressed in all my finery trying to tell this person that this IS my social life.

In fact she also discussed how it was acceptable to have small amounts of alcohol in the home, if the doctor allowed it and if it was locked up with the nurses and dispensed, much the same as medication. What about my dressing? Would it be controlled by some charge nurse much the same as the alcohol?

Thank you for reading; I look forward to hearing your responses. One final thought, we must all enjoy our lives, our health, and the small pleasures in life that our youth affords us. Suddenly the golden years look a little tarnished to me.

Hi, I am going to be 65 in a few months but I don't consider myself as old. About the dressing. It's a little different now. It is more relaxed and it does not demand as much time thinking about it. 10to30 years ago it demanded a lot of my time in thinking about it and doing it. I went to every CD party I could find. If I would have put as much time and energy into making money I would have been very RICH. I am in a situation where I can dress as much as I want and my wife is OK with it. But now it seems sometimes I am too lazy to do it. I really have to be in the mood and if something comes up I am OK with putting it off for a few days. Before I just had to do it NOW Thank God that urge is much less. Hope this helps. Ruby

Hello Elle,

Firstly, age is no barrier to Crossdressing or any other gender related issue. For many reasons which I have debated at length over a long time, I believe how we are, is designated between conception and up to the the first 36 months of our life, this part of us will never cease to exist while we are alive, but that's another issue for other times.

The last formal gathering I went to, which involved people from all walks of life, including, Heterosexuals, Gays, Bi's, CD's, TS's and any other in between, the oldest person there was an 83 year old CD, who danced and laughed all night and had a marvellous time. She looked stunning in a long flowing black gown. There were people there aged from twenties upwards, with the majority being 50 plus. I know plenty of crossdressers in their sixties and seventies and several in their eighties who enjoy a wonderful life.

I was just wondering if the nursing home you are referring to is owned by a religious institution, it just seemd to me, reading between the lines their attiutde towards conduct and the need to strictly conform spiritually may stem from there. My mother and father, who have now both passed, spent their last years in nursing homes, (their choice, not ours) and the rules within were not as strict or demanding as those you have mentioned, thankfully.

It will be a challenge which the majority of us will face, if we live that long, but I wouldn't expect nursing home attitudes to change any more than I would the general public's attitude to change any time soon, about gender identity issues. In my case, maybe our my daughters current attitudes in that they say now they would never let either my wife or I be confined to a nursing home, will still be intact if and when we reach that age and time in our lives. I'm on the wrong side of 55 now, but I still have a bit of leeway up my sleeve, lol.

As none of us can ever accurately predict what the future holds for us, I am a strong believer that we extract from life what we can comfortably achieve, without harming those around us who love us, when we can, while we can. I've seen so many people over the years say, " I could of, I should have, but I didn't ". It's never too late for us to be what we might have been. Guilt is past orientated and worry is future orientated, both ensure that absolutely nothing worthwhile will be achieved in the present, easy to say I know, but nowadays I have the attitude that I can't do anything about yesterday but if I do a good enough job of today then tomorrow will take care of itself.

Hopefully, maybe if and when our time comes, we will be fortunate enough to find nursing homes owned and operated by people of our own ilk, anything is possible.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

Hi Elle ,
I'm very sorry for you problems as putting someone you love in a home even for thier own good and health. As far as CDing and getting old, I am 65 pass for 50 or so (plus or minus) with full makeup. Now I don't have a problem but my wife keeps telling me I need to dress more my age. Me I like short skirts and spiked heels and am out of date :| . No cd'er never grow old we just fade away, if I should pass away I no longer have any problems with CDing but I don't even think about it. I will crossdress until the day I die and will look foolish as a teeni bobber at age 100 Carol Ann

Hi Elle and all,

Great question (and I empathize with the concern behind it). I agree with Ruby that CDing as one gets older may become less compulsive and time-consuming (that's my experience), but as one gets older one often becomes less concerned about social conformity, which means one is more willing to flout existing rules. That brings me to a prediction: as crossdressing, transgendered baby boomers (I'm one of them) get closer to retirement age, I think they will be more and more open about their lifestyle and unwilling to settle for conformity. And it seems to me very likely that we will get special nursing homes for crossdressers or ones that at least cater to them. Why not? I can see the same thing happening first for better organized gays and lesbians. Baby boomers have dominated and changed our culture at whatever age bracket they inhabit; why not as senior citizens as well?

Hugs,

Laura

Indeed, a very thought provoking post. Thank you!

Wow... I think about my mother, who is in assisted living, one of the few there who still has her wits about her. She says they all want to get out of there. That is why the exits all have coded locks. It is the best place I could find locally, and it is way beyond anything I would be able to afford when I reach her age. Oddly enough, one Medical Aide is openly homosexual, which disturbs my mother greatly, and yet he is clearly the best employee and best person in the whole place, so she is coming around, slowly. Most of what my mother misses is anything resembling autonomy or control over her own life.

I can't imagine being able to crossdress in a place like that. Now that I am freshly turned 50, I think about it a lot more. I suppose for me, if the day comes, it will be most like prison. Ever try to cross-dress in prison? I've never been to prison except to visit, but I imagine that crossdressing would be inadvisable. I have no younger family, so I dread the final years of my life (still probably a generation away). Makes me want to investigate the possibility of nude skydiving, as in "not even wearing a parachute!"

I suppose if I someday lose the ability to cross dress, it will be no worse than having lost the ability to fly, (which has been bad enough, thank you).

Does my drivel help any?

Hugs,

Bernice

Hi Elle,
First, I did miss you.

I'm with everyone else. WOW! What a VERY thought provoking post!!

I didn't even think about how much you "could" lose if you are put in a home in your older age. I guess that's another reason why telling your children is more important than I thought.

If your children didn't know you were transgendered they could put you in a home and never realize you were going to be miserable because half of you went to the home, the other half stayed at your old home. That's a really sad thought.

From everything I've read, you don't grow out of CD'ing the opposite happens. CD'rs become more comfortable with themselves.

Thanks for the great post and for starting an awesome thread!!!

Beauty

Thanks Elle for writing about this subject I agree with the others that this is a very thought-provoking post. And growing old in a nursing home, without the freedom to crossdress, would make me unhappy too.

Another issue which needs to be faced by aging crossdressers, or even younger ones, is what happens if you die or suffer a prolonged illness, and family members who don't know about your crossdressing gain access to your wardrobe, and find out about it that way

I read something about this on a CD's website. She suggested writing a letter in advance to your family members (i.e. parents, or children) and putting it in with your wardrobe, explaining how you wanted to tell them but couldn't, and how this was an important part of your life.

Sharon Rose

Hi Elle,

This is definitely a very thought provoking post. I will admit that I have never really spent a lot of time thinking about how getting older would affect my CDing, at least not up until recently.

A GG friend of mine told me about a male friend of hers who died of a heart attack a few months ago. He was only 30. Utter shock could not even begin to describe what I felt when I heard that. It was at that point that I realized that we all get older, and our health becomes a greater concern as the years go by.

Although I am only weeks shy of my 32nd birthday, I do spend more and more time thinking about my own health, getting older, and my own mortality. It's a very hard fact that every human being on this earth must live with and learn to accept. But by that same token I would also like to think that I will still enjoy and partake in my dressing at age 70 the way I do today.

Maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe not.

To be totally honest, the thought of me having to spend my golden years in a nursing home would terrify me as well. What would become of Lorna?

So I guess I plan to ride the Lorna express for as long as my mind and body will allow me to!

Hi Elle,

Your post certainly brings home the importance of planning for our older years. There are some important decisions to make along the way.

Some facilities are more accomodating than others. It pays to shop around. It certainly takes creativity and planning to avoid getting "warehoused" and that planning is time well spent.

Thanks again for raising a very important issue!

Hi all,

Elle,

Thanks for this thread. There's much to reflect on, here. I don't know where I'll be with my crossdressing in thirty years or so, but I suspect that, along with many other things in my life, it could become part of the necessary losses I may have to face as an oldster.

Here's an excerpt from an e-mail my mother sent me last month:

The way I deal with my own depression is to be grateful for the times I feel well and try to accomplish what I can when I can although these times seem less and less frequent. May be old age but most probably it's the loss of hope for a better future. That hope kept me going for years and now I've lost my naivete as to what I could expect. That's probably the bane of most older folks as life usually becomes a series of losses (family, friends, health, looks, financial etc.) and the struggle is to adjust to these losses in a meaningful way and find alternatives that provide some comfort. This has not been easy for me. As a child I felt alone and abandoned and these irrational feelings have come back with a vengeance. I grapple almost everyday to find meaning in something.

I think there's something to her way of looking at it; re-focusing so as to find meaning in the little things that go to make up our lives may help us cope, as we grow older, with those losses we'll incur, including, perhaps, our ability (or desire) to express our feminine side. Still, that would be hard for me, I think; I don't intend to ever equate loss of autonomy with loss of selfhood. Not if I can help it, anyway.

Thanks again, Elle, for a sobering post. My heart is with you in this difficult time.

Love,
CJ

CJ,

Now I know where you got your beautiful side from. Everytime you talk about your mom, I just want to hear more and more.

Her wisdom and her ability to convey her feelings and thoughts are incredible!

Thanks for sharing that note from your mom. <-- A Good Cry

Beauty

Hi all,

Thanks, Beauty, for the kind words. I wish my mom happiness. It's not easy for her, living alone as she does, far from her children. She will never consider a nursing home, I think. She's only 62 and still fairly active, so it's not an issue yet. I believe her hopes (yes, she still has thoses once in a while) are that I'll take her in when she gets too old to rely solely on herself. I'm not sure I'm stable enough for that (I'm a great wanderer). We'll see.

Love,
CJ

Hi Elle--
That's a good post. I do know of CDers in their 60s and 70s, because they're online. But I'm sure there's 80 and 90 year olds out there--it's just that they're part of a generation that haven't bothered with the Internet.

I think Boomers will try to organixe communal housing among themselves, and hire whatever help they can afford. I don't see my age group (50s) having near the resources that my parents did. Of course some portion of Americans still have pensions and health plans, but I doubt it's a majority. We're going to be forced to be more creative in our living arrangements.

So those of us who don't have the money to afford a nursing home will live more simply, but we'll stay independent. We can't really afford to do otherwise.

If you can afford nursing care, then I think it's going to be as someone else said--you get older, you're less worried about following all the rules. Even at 50+ I care less what others think of my CDing--I can only imagine it gets easier twenty years down the road.

Not having much privacy is bad, and I'm realizing that it's implied that it's assumed these older people have no interest in sex any more. That's just not true--my dad and stepmother live in a community where people have their own homes or apartments, and only live two to a room when they can no longer take care of themselves. My dad married my stepmother when they were both in their 80s, and it was important to them to be together.

I think the boomers will challenge the "sexless older people" stereotype, too, and that may include some privacy for CDing. Little as I like being part of a cliche, (that is, being a "boomer,") it has meant that each decade I reach has more freedom and possibilities than generations past had. My dad's experience of being 50 was nothing like my experience of it, and I'm grateful for all the changes that make that possible.
Anita

Good Morning Johanna ,
I can totally relate to that feeling of growing old but I look at it in another way. I,m a recycled teenager . I am retired and in no hurry, get up as I wish, do what ever I wish and in short enjoy my life.
Like you I prefur to dress enfem as I do feel better ( relaxed as you put it ). We all have worked very hard in our lifes and now it's time to relax, so lets DRESS