Hi ya EveryoneFathers day this year was to say the least a little strained for our children,which in turn had a domino affect on me.
The 4 younger boys 13,11,9,6 all seemed so distant on the Friday when they brought home their gifts they had made at School for Fathers Day.
I asked them why they felt so sad...I knew really as I had that tug as well,this would be our last fathers day where Marie still had some signs that she was a male,or portrayed what is physically a dad,for she is more female now in appearance.
I discussed their feelings with them and told them they will always have a dad,that Marie is still their Father.However I know, as they are we are all mourning the physical loss .It was good for them to hear that I too am sad,or sometimes angry..they thought I was always happy because I was holding the family together as we normaly went throughout our day.
Many trans people say when they transition that they are still the same person,truth be told they are not.The things that Marc enjoyed doing Marie does not,right down to the difference in how Marie drives opposed to Marc.Children pick these differences up,because they are like sponges in the environment they live in,watching, learning recording experiences into their little filing system within.
Saturday was another story,Marie had been for elos and was dressed just lovely,however the boys still were not copeing with the thought of Fathers day,a song and dance followed by Marie,should I change my clothes and get back into the sad bags,this infuriated me...why are you saying this...because they don't like seeing me this way...really it was Marie that was crumbling.I spoke out loud almost like a broadcast to the boys,who thinks dad should change clothes...they all in sync said no.
Whats wrong with the clothes your wearing.
Right we are heading of to the shops and Marie is really turse at the boys.The 11 year old who has Aspergers notices Marie's lip gloss,which I may add she wears regular each day"dad is that lipstick you have on"Maries reply yes and do you have a problem with that.....that then was the icing on the cake.The kids and I had planned to take dad to the pictures not much was on,so we decided that while I was food shopping Marie and the boys would see what was showing Sunday.Two of the boys did not want to go with dad 2 did.The 2 that did'nt go wanted to know why dad was so angry...so going down the escalator I tried to tell them why without saying their feelings were'nt real.After all this is a massive change in their lives.
Anyway skip a half hour,Marie comes into the shop and says she will take the kids to spend there pocket money...I thought thats great it will be a way to bond again.Unfortunately she decided to use the time to tell them that the hormones she is on will help make her breasts grow bigger,they are a B cup now after 18 months and that she loves the fact she is on the hormones....not good for an Aspergers child to pick this time to talk about hormones.
Anyway we had 2 good friends Cathii and Hazel come for tea Sat night, both Trans people who the boys love,accept and relate to.I think they accept them more than Marie because their not in their little lives 24/7.Things got out of hand,Marie was in tears I was in Tears and 1 of the boys was in tears.Thankgod our friends were their to comfort us all.
We discovered that Maries tears were due to the bottle shop attendent running to serve her that evening and then as she left speaking out loud,thats not a real woman.The boys were miserable because they felt dad was angry with them.
They even thought that perhaps because they had been naughty that was another reason why dad was doing this.
Now I suppose the purpose of my thread is the need for us all to communicate to our loved ones,but also to respect where each of our feelings are at the time and moment that we are copeing.
The children can only vent their feelings and they have a right to.
Marie on the other hand after some serious talking Monday,needs to accept that it takes time to absorb the changes in our lives.That there is going to be some hurt no matter what.
Like I communicated yesterday,I support her,I accept her,I love her but that does'nt mean right now I can forgive her.It will take time for me to heal that feeling as much as it will the boys.
No matter how tough things get in a relationship you must all respect each others feelings,timing on talking about certain issues is imperative.Often the person transitioning has had years,months etc of preparing the day when they would tell their loved ones of their suppression.Once that suppression is let out of course you the Trans person will be happy,free and eager to get on with life...as you move towards equalling the innate sex with the physical the world is your oyster and of course you are eager to fly,but sometimes just sometimes I think you need to slow down and let your loved ones catch up,,they will take sometime to absorb and adapt to change.This is when you need to nurture,to show empathy and support to them...after all transition is not all about you.
Marie wants us all to be together and we want that to,every now and then because of the hardship we are having she says it not going to work,that she may have to leave.My point to her is if you truely want your family and you want their love,you must be prepared to put the hard yards in.Things will get rough they really will,but hey it will all be worth it if we help each other through it.
I understand how happy she is,it is now her turn to help us see what postives we will gain from our life expereince change.
Often it is the commitment that we your family need.For Marie not having us in her life is not an option,however at the same time it is very easy for a trans person to become frustrated with having to deal with the implications the family expresses.
Please to you all talk to your families and loved ones, find ways to teach them about you,however most of all accept that they will have feelings and to help them get through the hard feelings that we all would run from because it is easier,be part of their support network as much as they are yours,and help it make it easier for them.
HUgs Penny
