Crossdressers-Haven.com

My wife and I talked about CD/TV this weekend. We haven't talked about it in months. She was afraid it would make me want to do it and I thought she want a don't ask don't tell deal. She didn't know if I was dressing but said she has been worried about coming home and finding me in a dress. She absolutely does not want to see me in any women's cloths at all! I told her that I had been dressing when she was out of the house but was always careful about when she would be home. My question: is this a workable solution? Have others been here before and did it put stress on your marriage? I don't feel I have a right to push her into letting me dress around her but this feels like a stressful situation for us both. Any advice? We have been to counseling together and singularly but I think I'm done with that whole idea.
A little stressed out as, Jill

Hi Jill,

Personally, I think you are making progress. Compromise is the magic word. I looks to me like a "modus vivendi" is in the works. Compromise is successful only if BOTH sides give up something and gain something.

If you can ration yourself in dressing (it seems that you do), and your wife can adjust to your habits, then compromise has been achieved.

Best wishes, and keep us informed.

Hugs,

Lydia

My question: is this a workable solution? Have others been here before and did it put stress on your marriage? I don't feel I have a right to push her into letting me dress around her but this feels like a stressful situation for us both. Any advice?

I don't know if you have a very workable solution. What is in it for her. All she knows is the "man" she loves seems to want to be a "woman".

I can say that because it also put stress on my marriage. The solution that we came to is that since I have been able to spend more time at home than she does, (work location/travel time/ shorter work day) I dress all I want while she is away and make an attempt to get jobs done around the house like cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. This solution has worked for us, your mileage may vary.

As an added bonus, I made sure she has a cell phone and calls when she is on her way home from work. That gives me about half an hour to get changed before she walks in the door.

Not having to do housework, cook meals, after working all day is quite a bonus for her. This has aloud me to have a little more freedom in what I wear, and if I am too busy finishing up a job (like laundry) when she gets home, she doesn't really mind what I am wearing any more.

It has been stated here many times and it is sound advice - take baby steps and make sure there is something in your crossdressing for her.

CE

Well, it works until it doesn't work any more.

Everyone's situation is different because not only are we different, but so are our spouses.

So, for some SO's there is stress just knowing their spouse is a CDer, some knowing that their spouse may be dressing when at home alone, some will stress over having to call home just so they don't see their spouse dressed.

Some CDs can handle the occasional opportunity to dress, some can't. Some do for a while (years), but then at some point need more, yet some don't need more. Some can't handle dressing in any manner in front of their spouse.

To name a few.

When it doesn't work for you anymore, then it's time to work on a new compromise.

For some, compromise works. For others, not.

Wow such different responses. I guess every ones reaction is going to be different. I just wish I didn't have this "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. I know my love thinks things out sometimes for quite a while before she acts. Thank you for responding to my somewhat paranoid questions.

Hi Jill,

First, any paranoia you feel you bring on yourself. I am sorry if I seem to be too direct, but before you are forced to take "Virginia's Challenge" you can do it half-hearted, just sit down by yourself or whenever you can find some quiet time to yourself and just ask yourself, "What is Jill worth to me?" If you put your relationship with your wife above all else, then perhaps you can suppress or repress her or ignore her for the rest of your life. As we have discussed numerous times before, talk about stress, what is the stress on Jill in "getting caught?" That in turn puts stress on the marriage.

You have to find out just how willing your wife is to even discussing your "gift." If she is totally close-minded you and/or your relationship may MAY be in serious difficulty unless you decide to "kill" Jill or to live with the stress that hiding her in the closet can do for you.

You have read that most of us firmly believe, "once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser." However, that does not mean that some of us have been able to "slay the dragon" and take it to our grave, so we come full circle, "What is Jill worth to you?" or "What are you willing to do for her right to survive?"

This is not something that I take lightly or will think it is just gonna go away. If this is truly who you are, you have to deal with it one way or the other. We are here for you and hope you will continue to share with us as you seek a much needed balance in your life.

Love,

Virginia

Hi Jill--
I don't really know if it's a workable solution. I do have an opinion about whether it's stressful--it is. Any time that one partner worries about what might be waiting at home, it's stressful. I've been there many, many, times. I've dealt with alcoholics, suicidal people, loud music people, domestic violence couples living near me, and so on. We might think crossdressing does not rate high on the scale next to these things, but for some spouses, it does. It sounds like it might be for your spouse.

I'm sure you're very careful, Jill, but that puts a lot of stress on you, too. No one can get every last trace of eyeliner off, or get every streak of nail polish to disappear. Your wife probably takes in little details like that, and to her, it's like a siren going off in her ear.

That aside, the early warning phone call mentioned earlier is the only sure way to make this work for long-term. That takes the guesswork out of it, for both of you. Having said that, I also see that many people I know would have a hard time with the obligation of doing that. Just the idea that they have to make the call would make them angry.

I know you've not been happy with counseling, but it seems like one of the only ways that you and your wife will meet halfway, on this issue, anyway. If you feel like you haven't been able to choose the therapist, that may be part of the reason you're ready to give up on them. I used to interview therapists the same way I'd buy used cars--I'd call ads out of the local alternative papers, and really put them through the tests. They had to have some understanding of the things I wanted to work on, or what was the point? So I would ask them hard questions.

If you and your wife can agree on a counselor again, it could be a big step.

Jill I don't know if it's a workable solution for you. It does sound like it's stressful on your wife. Further discussion where you let her know you understand this and will do your best not to be dressed when she gets home might help. In a way it's a bit like sex. How many married couples put a fair amount of thought to not letting the kids catch them in the act? Same thing, but only sort of.

There's a lot of emphasis here on spousal acceptance, partly because of the nature of this forum. Please don't think that being discrete is a bad thing. Lots of us never dress in front of anyone except the mirror.

I do think that counseling, with a very different counselor, still might help. The idea would be to enable the two of you to talk about this, rather than to either cure it or make your wife think its just fine. In effect to help the two of you to agree to disagree.


Absaroka

I suppose the question comes down to does the wife mind if you dress as long as she doesn't catch you. If she really doesn't want a dresser for a hubby (like my EX) then any "solution" is only temporary at best.


Emily Ann

Jill, a few things we do may help you and your wife. If my wife and kids will all be going gone somewhere for a period of time usually greater that 2 hours, my wife will call before returning.

So when they leave, if I will be dressing, I first lock the doors just in case she forgets. It gives me the time they hit the door and unlock it to get out of sight. I have had to use this safety once.

Second, I always have my change back clothes laid out and ready to jump into. Sweats work good for this as they can be used to cover in the case of close calls. And do not forget socks just in case you need to cover the hose on your feet.

And if she knows I am dressing, and often now other times, I get a warning call or calls depending on where they have been and for how long.

If they are out of town I usually get the 1 hour warning call followed by a 5-15 minute warning call depending on when she remembers to call.

If they are in town and it has just been a few hours, I usually get a 15 minute to 5 minute warning call. But this has been as short as "hey we are pulling into the drive way.

So far it has worked good for us. I am sure it also makes a difference that when I dress at home I do not wear a wig or makeup and extra jewelry only if they are gone for a long period of time like out of town.

Good luck.

KimberlyS-CD

Well, after many months of knowing about my CDing and being a happy participant in many ways my wife has finally agreed that she does have a lot of questions. As most of you know, I've been trying to stick to baby steps as much as possible, not wanting to scare her or worse. She has been so supportive these last few months that I couldn't ask for a better situation. She has gone shopping with me ( She actually took me shopping) and bought me three or four pairs of heels, a couple of skirts, a bra and some panties. She has done my make-up and polished my fingernails and toenails on a many occasions. Hell, she bought me a wig for our anniversary! Her daughter knows all about me and actually gets a kick out of shopping with me.
Suddenly my wife has realized that this isn't just a little hobby of mine that I'll get over soon and move on to something else. She knows now that it is who I am and it's not gonna go away.
Well,she has finally joined the forum and both of us couldn't be happier.
She is relieved to see other wives and SOs with the same questions and fears as she has. This was a really big step for her (and me) and she is glad that she joined. I'm proud of her for trying so hard to understand and to hopefully embrace this new part of our lives.
I want to thank all the people here for all your support and encouragement. Sometimes this seems like the only place I can get honesty from anyone.

Lisbeth

Jill S wrote:My wife and I talked about CD/TV this weekend. We haven't talked about it in months. She was afraid it would make me want to do it and I thought she want a don't ask don't tell deal. She didn't know if I was dressing but said she has been worried about coming home and finding me in a dress. She absolutely does not want to see me in any women's cloths at all! I told her that I had been dressing when she was out of the house but was always careful about when she would be home. My question: is this a workable solution?
A little stressed out as, Jill

I'd send her down the highway.

If you start out with the truth you never have to go through this.

It's really not up to us in any way to have an opinion about getting rid of your wife as someone here posted. This is your marriage, not theirs. Talk about bad advice......

Absaroka

Amanda, what a great idea! I should pitch 24 years of marriage. Now if can just figure out how to make this all her fault. Tekla you are right this is not a good place to be. I hope younger TV/CD will not repeat the same dumb mistakes many of us older folks have. I'm still amazed that this went 23 years without me being caught or outing myself somehow. I wonder if it will ever be common for Trans of all types to be public? It feels like the last big taboo.