Has your sexual relationship been affected by you being a CD

[Penni SO]

Hi ya lovely people,

In the past I have had emails from Spouses who feel that sexually their self-esteem has suffered in the bedroom knowing hubby is a CD.Many feel their is significant difference between their CD hubbies arousal when dressed and being intimate to when intimacy does'nt include crossdressing.
Then there are spouses who are concerned that there are other things on their CD husbands minds whilst dressing,for example being a woman and making out with another woman etc.

I for one before I knew about Marie's Transsexuality could see and feel the difference in arousal when dressed,which did at times make me feel as though it was'nt me ,but the fact she was in lingerie etc.

Communication is so very important in an intimate relationship with a Trans Variant person ,because if there is failure to communicate then assumptions can be made by the spouse.

Now I know this is a personal topic,but how many of you have experienced or are still having problems in regards to intimacy and you spouse.

I think this is a very relevant topic,especially for those who are young and newly in a relationship,so if you can contribute,please take the time to do so.

Hugs Penny

[Hope]

Penni,

In my first marriage, I think there was some degree of problem there. Looking back after several years, it occurs to me my ex may have wanted to be male and was just plain ticked that I would want to experience the feminine rituals she took so for granted. Sigh....grass is always greener?

My current wife (more happy each day after 11 years of bliss by the by) from the very beginning (Yes, I told her before we got toooooo serious since that only seemed fair) said she thought about it a lot, and decided it just was what it was and that was ok with her. She figured that part of my brain had a lot to do with who I was and she kind of like who I was so....

No problem with sex life. And yes, I have asked several times over the years if she may have been sexually 'restrained' a bit as a result of my preferred dress.

Why didn't I find her at the beginning?

Tough to know if this is a simple answer to a complex thought......

[Denise Douglas]

Hi Penni,
I don't post very often in these forums, but I felt the need to respond to this thread. My very loving and supportive wife has been aware of my CD/trans/whatever for several years and has been just fine with it, our intimacy has never had any issues since I revealed that side of me several years ago, if anything it has gotten even better over time. She has never indicated to me that there were any issues, I have heard her tell her best friend that things were absolutely wonderful. My take on all of this is that her acceptance of this side of me has made me a more caring/sharing partner. While I don't know where my journey will end up, I do know that I can't imagine it without her being a part of it. I feel very blessed to have found her, certainly it is far different than my ex-wife was and all of the other relationships over the years until I met her about ten years ago. We've been happily married for almost eight years and what fun we have had!
Denise

[DonnaT]

Well, it's changed, but she's known for nearly 32 years. When I first came out to her, we had fun with the role play. The change, I guess is age and health related. Not CD related, except when's upset with me. And I accept the responsibility for it.

[Carol Ann]

Penni,
In my case going back many years when the wife and I were younger she enjoyed dressing me up all the time as it was a real turn on for her and she just loved the role playing part. Sex dressed or undress never seem to be any different for us one way or the other.

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

In the beginning, we went a little overboard with the sexual part of things. I got out of my comfort zone and started feeling insecure and scared that my husband was possibly gay, or that I was somehow losing my femininity by taking on a more masculine role in the bedroom. Now, after the "newness" has worn off a bit (and after having another baby), sexually, we are pretty inactive. Of course, that will likely change once I'm "allowed" to have sex again after the first of the year.

But intimacy is different than sex, and I can say that since we started communicating about this issue, we have been far more intimate with one another. Emotionally, we pay alot more attention to one another, and we are more physically affectionate (little peck kisses, holding hands, cuddling, etc...) than we used to be. I find that Joe is more open and sensitive while dressed as Jennifer, and we enjoy the same closeness you would expect from best girlfriends (BFF, if you will). We also share alot more about our hopes and dreams for our family and relationship.

All in all, after all the fighting and screaming, after all the mistrust and deception, I feel that CDing has strengthened our relationship. Yes, it's different, and I still get insecure that my husband might not see me as feminine or that I somehow don't "measure up" to his idea of femininity, but it's easier to let him know when I'm feeling that way now, and I'm blessed that he makes every effort to make sure that I feel loved and appreciated. So I guess things have changed, but in a very positive way.

[KimberlyS]

Penni, I have started a reply to this post several times and have yet to like what I have written. So here is the short version.

Actually I would really say the CDing had little affect on the physical relationship. But my CDing did have some some involvement in our physical relationship at times. Some for the good and some not so good, but overall it was very minimal. It seems that life has a much greater affect on it. At this point other than some PJ's my wife has gotten for me, CDing has no involvement. And I have no problem with that at all.

This is my point of view and no I am not quite that dense. I am sure their were some self esteem issues my wife went through. But not sure how to separate just the CDing self esteem issues from all the others she was, has been, or is dealing with.

I do agree with you that communication is very important in all aspects of any relationship, but IMHO often is very lacking. And probably even more lacking in the physically intimate part of the relationship as having sex is one thing, but talking about it is taboo.

I also agree this is very relevant topic and a hard one to talk about without some details. Then add the wide variations of personal needs for each of the partners and the wide variations of what the CDer needs or wants in this area of the relationship. I count myself lucky that I did not have a strong need to have my CDing involved in this part of our relationship.

KimberlyS-Cd
joe in a skirt

[Jan W]

No

[Elizabeth]

Hi Penny,

Sorry for coming in late here, it's just that I really needed to think about this one. In my marriage to Raven(SO) it has really had no effect. Raven has always known me as Elizabeth. She only seen me dressed as a man once and she said "you looked so sad" once I had returned to myself.

I think if you love someone than you probably want to make them feel good. Our sex life is not based on anything other than pleasing one another. Because of this, the particular "equipment" one uses becomes fairly irrelevant. If when we are done, we feel fulfilled and loved, than we have done the best we could do.

I guess what I am saying is that if it's ones intention to please one's partner, one will, it's just a matter of doing what works. In this way Raven and I don't have to get all hung up about how we are going to do it, just that no matter what, we are going to please one another. Whatever that takes.

Now, I am not suggesting that others will not feel awkward, ashamed, or even flat out turned off. It can happen. I mean, one can hardly blame a spouse or lover for being turned off. In this regard it may be somewhat easier for the CDer than someone like me who really live full time as a woman. There is no option to keep it private or out of the bedroom.

In my case I had to find someone that was going to be able to love me regardless of my gender. Only one in ten marriages survive transition when the spouse did not know up front the person was transsexual. Having said that, a woman is more likely to stay than a male partner. One of the big problems is the perception or reality of having a gay relationship. For many, even if they still love their partner, being thought of as being gay, or not having the "comforts" of the opposite sex can be just too big of a sacrifice.

For those who do stay, the relationship is usually dramatically changed. Many times leading to separate bedrooms and more of a platonic relationship. Others however continue to have loving fulfilling sex lives and ignore the judgments of society, but these cases are rare. I have seen SO's who supported their spouses through transition. Pledged to stay. But in the end, they were unhappy and could not stay. I have seen this more than once.

My answer was to be honest and forthright about who I was and where I seen myself going. I talked it over many times with Raven before we were married. Made sure she understood where I was and where I was going. We decided that our love for each other was deeper than just outward appearances and so was our sexuality. In the end our desire to be together was stronger than our apprehension about being able to please each other sexually. We just don't have much apprehension.

It turns out that everyone is not going to be able to do this. For the CDer who's SO doesn't want cding in the bedroom it may be a problem if the cding is a fundamental part of the CDers sexuality. I know this is not the case for many CDers, but for others it is. If our needs can not be met or we can not meet the needs of our SO, resentments and conflicts will arise.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Lydia]

Hi Elizabeth,

A great essay, and very much to the point of the question.

You write:

I think if you love someone than you probably want to make them feel good. Our sex life is not based on anything other than pleasing one another. Because of this, the particular "equipment" one uses becomes fairly irrelevant. If when we are done, we feel fulfilled and loved, than we have done the best we could do.

I guess what I am saying is that if it's ones intention to please one's partner, one will, it's just a matter of doing what works. In this way Raven and I don't have to get all hung up about how we are going to do it, just that no matter what, we are going to please one another. Whatever that takes.

We may be the only species on earth that takes such pleasure in the sexual act. Whatever pleases is good. Sex is the ultimate of Hedonsim.

In may life, I was happily married for almost 50 years to a wonderful lady who barely tolerated CD, consequently our sex life was not influenced by my CD in anyway. Until her last few years of illness, we managed to please each other consistently.

My present SO (Paula) accepts and cooperates with CD completely, and we have been happily living together apart for about 7 years. It works out well for us - at our age and long-standing habits. Our sexual behavior has been based on the premise of pleasing each other, and clothes are a minor aspect. Unfortunately, because of age and some medications that I have to take, our sex life has been drastically reduced. However, we still take great pleasure in basic smooching, and she says she loves me no matter how I happen to be dressed.

I might add that, being semi-retired, I can spend most of my time at home or at Paula's en femme. Because I have many friends, aquaintances and colleagues in town, I have to be very careful and circumspect about going out dressed. No complaints, though, I am a happy whatever.

Always a delight to read your posts, Elizabeth, and I've been following your road to happiness on this forum for the past two years.

Hugs, Love, and Happy Holidays!

Lydia

[Nadia-Maria]

It's still too early to tell you what CDing has changed for both of us, since I came out to my SO/GG about CDing only 2 weeks ago.
I was encouraged to come out finally (5 years of common life), thanks to what I have read on forums like this one.
As I expected, my GG is only tolerating, that means she is OK with me dressing when she is out, but doesn't want to see me dressed.

At the moment, CDing seems to have changed nothing at all.

Since our relation is a good and healthy one, I can hope in the long term slight changes toward acceptation from my SO. However I doubt to ever involve crossdressing when making love. Neither she nor me seem to be ready or demanding for that.

Hugs

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Nadia-Maria,

Firstly congratulations on releasing your suppression,I can imagine you are feeling released in many ways.
I believe that a healthy solid,open relationship will survive a Trans relationship...for nothing will have changed in regards to your relationship...and why should it..if the relationship is loving and healthy before knoweldge of dressing there certainly no reason why it should'nt be healthy now ,after the knowledge...it does take sometime for a spouse to understand,but as said here many times before,babysteps and open communication will keep your relationship stronger and will help yor spouse to understand.For now you have the opportunity to explore your feelings and face your fear and hopefully in time your spouse will be able to explore them with you...so that you don't still need to feel alone or isolated.

Hugs to you,
Penny

[Merinda]

Hi Penny,

Our sexlife has been a closed chapter for many many years before I came out , therefore I would have to say "NO".

A non-sexlife cannot diminish

[Virginia]

We have debated about replying and what to say so here is all we can relate.

No one would probably believe it. We love it!

Keep on keeping on ladies,

Virginia & SL

[Absaroka]

I not only like cding but also enjoy sexy clothing on women as well. Sometimes this has had an effect on intimacy generally as my wife is not entirely comfortable with sexy nighties and lingerie. She prefers to be naked. So there is a little bit of "I want vs you want" going on. And since there is always the danger of her beginning to feel that I am more aroused by her clothes than her I have tried to keep this fairly muted. Which of course sometimes leads to resentment and a feeling of my being uncomfortable not expressing certain desires.

Keeping Cding a semi secret also of course creates a bit of a barrier. All of us of course have some secrets no matter how intimate we are, even if the secrets are merely the privacy of our own thoughts. But I tend to be a very secretive person anyway and this rather than the cding itself is sometimes a barrier to intimacy, more emotional intimacy than anything else.

Absaroka