Explaining who I am to others

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 6:58 pm

Recently I mentioned confiding in a close friend, and found the process of writing to her quite interesting. I was putting things in words that I'd never really thought about as clearly before and looking for answers not only for me, but for others around me. Even if I had never sent anything it would have been a useful exercise, and after hitting "send" I found I was continuing to refine the message in anticipation of the day when I'd approach more people.

I'm posting the latest iteration because I thought it might be of interest. I'd be happy to hear feedback that helps make it clearer, but I thought it might also spur discussion or inspire others to take similar steps for themselves. Here it is ...

WARNING! Contains embarrassing personal revelations. Stop reading here if you're not feeling particularly compassionate, and whatever you do please don't forward or mention this to anyone unless I've cleared it with you, and please don't leave printed copies lying around, etc. :-)

It's hard to know where to begin. Recently I had my ears pierced and it has been a real treat as a form of self-expression, but it runs deeper than that. I've enjoyed having long hair for decades and as a result I've been greeted as "ma'am" (or together with others as "ladies") several times a week for decades - but I've always felt more proud than outraged. All my life I've found much more to identify with in feminine characteristics than their masculine counterparts. These are some of my more obvious avenues for expressing this feeling and I've been getting progressively more comfortable with the idea that it's a deeper thing than a simple personality quirk.

I’ve finally come to accept that I am simply happier when I define myself as primarily feminine. And no, I certainly don't consider myself transsexual. I've heard Eddie Izzard describe himself as "a lesbian in a man's body" and that feels about right. Gender identity is where I differ from the typical male – not sexual identity or orientation, though the mainstream media seems to get the three confused a lot. So to be clear: I’m happily married to a wonderful woman and have no interest in surgery as a part of redefining myself. I just feel more like one of the girls than one of the guys and am comfortable expressing myself as such.

Femininity isn’t about being female

Clearly there’s relationship between the sex and the gender but they’re not the same thing. Our notion of what is feminine is obviously influenced by characteristics of the general population of females – and yet it’s equally clear that it isn’t determined solely by the appearance, behavior, or capabilities of women. I know that seems contradictory to some: how can you separate femininity from being female? For one thing our notions of feminine and masculine are at least as heavily influenced by our culture as by biology. Attributed gender meanings for colors, occupations, hair styles, speech patterns, and other cues differ among cultures so these must be learned behaviors. While there’s a clear biological reason to consider facial hair masculine, why has long hair historically been considered feminine? Or pierced ears? Or the color pink? Presented with two gender definitions, the feminine aesthetic just resonates more with me than the masculine.

Society is starting to embrace more diversity in the definition of gender but for now at least the abstract notion of femininity remains. One can be graceful, beautiful, or openly emotional without being female and yet these are still considered feminine traits. The concept seems to refers to more to some kind of “feminine ideal” than anything likely to be embodied by a given individual, and like all cultural norms this definition has changed and will continue to evolve over time. The feminist movement and general societal pressures toward establishing gender equality has have played roles in changing the feminine ideal in recent history, reestablishing many historically masculine traits as gender neutral. Fitness, intelligence, strength, and leadership qualities have become accepted, even desirable aspects of the feminine ideal.

For me, personally, this modern notion of femininity encompasses much of what I aspire to be and I find that I feel comfortable embracing and exploring this new identity as a transgendered male.

Why embrace the label “transgendered?”

After all, if I’m going to all the trouble to redefine myself out of the mainstream why pick any label at all? I’ve always believed that stereotypes actually play a useful role in society. They’re a natural part of a human tendency to organize and classify; they help us generalize from specific examples so that we aren’t starting from scratch in dealing with a new situation. None of us avoids starting with some set of assumptions about others – problems arise only when one fails to understand that every individual differs uniquely from the stereotype.

So if labels and categories are part of human nature, I’d just rather people started with assumptions that are more likely to be accurate! If a label helps others predict that I’d prefer satin and lace over denim, lavender and vanilla over musk, or a trip to the spa over a fishing trip, then I’m all for it. Now mix in the strong human drive to feel a sense of belonging to a community and I’ve just picked one that seems to help me define who I am. I’ve accepted that I’m fundamentally much more comfortable being feminine than masculine and I’d like others to understand what that means to me.

How does this affect my life?

Society doesn’t seem to know what to think about transgendered individuals, though there does seem to be a trend toward greater understanding and acceptance. For many years I didn't understand my lack of connection with my own gender and had no avenue for exploring alternatives with anyone for fear of rejection or ridicule. It remained a very private struggle, and it’s difficult to have a "secret life” but that’s the situation I’d been in for decades to a lesser or greater degree. With my wife’s acceptance and encouragement I’ve found the courage to be progressively more true to my own sense of self.

In what way, exactly? I've asked my hairstylist to forget about convention and go ahead and give me a more playful and feminine style. On work days some of my clothing challenges the gender boundary, getting by under the broad metrosexual umbrella. I enjoy getting manicures and pedicures, and yes I have a nice French polish on my toenails. I started waxing my legs and I love the way they look and feel. I've keep my armpits shaved and the ritual brings a smile to my face. On weekends my wardrobe gets even more feminine, my choice of earrings gets broader, and I'm likely to accessorize with light makeup or a purse.

In short, it's getting harder to hide my feminizing choices - and I like it that way. I’d like to finally drop the pretense altogether with people close to me but it's not easy to broach the subject. Yes, this has obvious parallels with the experience gays and lesbians describe about coming out of the closet. It's easy for me to identify with and feel empathy for their struggle and hope that their fight for recognition will pave the way for acceptance of other kinds of gender variance.

Ultimately, do I expect this to change the way people treat me? With any luck it won’t really change anything at all for people who know me well! I’m the same person I always was only less confused and conflicted. I certainly feel more relaxed when I don’t feel like I have something to hide, and enjoy feeling free to express myself without wondering whether it’s “giving me away.” I’m happy to talk about the subject with anyone who wants to explore it and this is the first time in my life I've felt strongly enough about a social issue to trigger my latent capacity for activism, but I understand that not everyone is going to want to discuss it and that's fine, too. I’m just happy to be making inroads at long last on defining myself in a way that feels right to me.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 10:50 pm

It's a good read and I like how you keep it personal- what this means about you as opposed to anyone else.

Absaroka

Caith · Post by **Caith** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:31 pm

I agree with Absaroka. Thank you Kimberly for a well-written and extremely personal post.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:52 pm

Very well done.

As we all seem to know, and as you stated, society just does not know (or want) to accept/understand us! We know that, just try dressing up and walking into most "christian" churches on any given Sunday morning, "society at work?"

On the lighter side, I am developing a theory about these "rednecks" and their pick-up trucks that I see. The jeans, red plaid shirts, dirty baseball caps and big bushy beards?! I wonder what these "macho" wildmen are actually running from!?

Could it be that deep down inside them, they have felt certain "stirrings" and it has scared the hell out of them?

Anyway, I picked up some interesting things from your dissertation and will save them as ready references, but for now I will continue to live on a "need to know" basis.

Thanks for your hard work on this, I know it can be challenging to look deep into ourselves without bias.

Love,

Virginia

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:18 pm

I do wish we lived in a world where I could just send this to everyone in my address book without cause for concern. As it stands, writing this is still much more of a dress rehearsal for a show that may never play to any but a very select audience.

I'd love to know how others think about or act on their urge to bring more of their friends and family into the fold. Have any of you gone through the same process of writing and refining something, or is it usually an in-person discussion instead? Or do most of you avoid thinking about it until you've been found out and need to scramble to explain?

Chime in and help your fellow CDs think about the unthinkable. (Or we could band together, prepare our collective announcements, and take the world by storm with a worldwide organized Transgender Day of Unveiling? It never hurts to dream!)

Post by **KimberlyS** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:55 pm

Kimberly, thank you for posting that. I love posts like that. So much to think about. Interestingly post like this put me in a state of overload, not knowing what part to answer first and how to word my reply. I often start the reply here and then copy it to a file to edit more. And then it ends up being edited multiple times and then pushed aside by life.

Thank you for posting,

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Thu Dec 20, 2007 4:39 pm

Thank you for your high-quality post. It's very well written and thought about. I would certainly use it as an excellent starting basis for a similar initiative, if I had to do it in the future.

I will go farther than just praising you, hoping it helps, by telling my accurate feeling.
Maybe the text could be shorter, to be a sort of abstract showing what the reader has to understand and especially the guidelines he has to remember. This shorter text would be essentially an invitation to a private discussion. I believe the discussion following the letter is necessary, and the letter the best way to introduce it. According to each friend, the discussion would be able to go more or less deep personal.

Just my 2 cents, knowing that I maybe a somewhat culturally different person (W Europe).

Hugs

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:52 pm

Nadia-Maria wrote:I will go farther than just praising you, hoping it helps, by telling my accurate feeling.

Very much appreciated.

Maybe the text could be shorter, to be a sort of abstract showing what the reader has to understand and especially the guidelines he has to remember. This shorter text would be essentially an invitation to a private discussion. I believe the discussion following the letter is necessary, and the letter the best way to introduce it. According to each friend, the discussion would be able to go more or less deep personal.

Just my 2 cents, knowing that I maybe a somewhat culturally different person (W Europe).

The length of the message was certainly my biggest misgiving. I just kept adding thoughts and eventually it got a little out of control, so I agree with you there. Partly, though, it was a result of keeping people in mind that don't live near me, so a face-to-face heart-to-heart wouldn't really be workable.

I think you're right that for local folks it's better to just get the conversation started and then use that opening. It feels more personal and respectful of an established relationship so I don't think we're seeing this from different cultural perspectives.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Nina Femrite · Post by **Nina Femrite** » Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:42 pm

i want to thank kimberly for so eloquently saying what i have been thinking for many years. this issue is complex and there are very few answers to be found, mainly because there are no answers. there are just people's feelings and therefore have nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad. a couple of my particular oberservations include that from a purely casual perspective, many people consider crossdressers to be just routine wierdos (don't let the children too close) until they have the occasion to actually talk with someone who is a crossdresser. frequently, at that point, the person who had rolled their eyes at the mere mention of a man wearing women's clothing beocmes the most open-minded person in the world. very interesting how a gentle confrontation can get many people to change their point of view quickly, although it may just be temporary.

my other observation, though, has to do with how our society only allows femininity for women. of course, we've all met masculine women and for some women with this type of behavior, they almost wear it as a badge of honor (i'm guessing that if i were born genetically female, that's how i'd be). people of both sexes generally accept this behavior without comment. however, should a genetic male exhibit feminine behavior, many will find it disgusting. how unfair!

but, please keep this in mind, ladies: no one is sure how many of us there are out there. of course, we know that it's more than one or two of us but does anyone dare to put it in terms of percentages? in the united states, there are approximately 150 million men. if just 1% of them crossdress, that's 1.5 million crossdressers in the united states alone. no, i don't think we'll have a crossdresser running for president anytime soon but a good pr firm could do wonders for our community.