As many of you know I am currently seeing a therapist and lately I have been thinking back to my younger years, before I really knew a lot about CD, I had problems and my father, was one I could not really talk with and my mom well I was not as close with her as I am now. But I did have Zack (my guardian, my pet, my first pet).
Any case I had tendencies that life would be so much better if I just was either never around or I never existed. I also had tendencies that if I just ended it everything would finaly be alright. This lasted off an on even into college years.
Here is the thing that kept sane (or sane as one can be judged) is the fact that it would cost to much for a funeral or the fact if I hung my self (yes I did think of that) I would do more damaged. I never ever thought of any one missing me as it never seamed that any one was ever really paying attention.
Still it is my anxiety that kept from doing all these horrible things to myself and now I have thinking what will happen if I my anxiety is removed. I think I need it.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever written as it brings up some really upsetting thoughts to me.
Call it a chink in my armor, Jessie, but I have times here and there where I contemplate suicide at length. Sometimes I feel so miserable that I can't imagine feeding the worms to be anything worse than what I'm going through. This personality quirk (if I may so trivialize it) is just something that I find I have to deal with periodically--I don't really expect it to go away; the best I can do, it seems, is just get through it.
Some time back, one of my best friends (whom I'd shared an apartment with for a couple of years) took his life. It was a real eye-opener for me. Up to that point, I'd never really considered the impact that such an action might have on others. My friend's suicide left me feeling extraordinarily hurt and angry. It seemed to me that he had violated my existence and stolen a part of my life. It took me a long time to gain perspective on the matter and forgive him.
I know people sometimes take us for granted and seem not to care whether we live or die. Sometimes we even think it would be easier on everyone else if we were gone. But we underestimate our significance to others: my friend's death was a painful lesson to that effect. If your anxiety keeps you from ending your life, then, Jessie, don't ever lose that anxiety--the world isn't better off without you.
I can relate to how you feel and what you go through at times, I've been there, nearly done that, but, I am so glad I never achieved what I tried to do so many times in my younger days. Looking back I believe that my depressive times were exacerbated by spending so much time alone and having too much time to think by myself. We sometimes look for the worst aspects of ourselves, instead of focussing on the things about us which can make our lives so worthwhile and rewarding. Morbid thoughts were so much a part of me once, but my life did enhance when I found people who I could spend time with and let it all flow out, letting it all go is a release valve and I believe personal contact with people who feel as we do can be of immense value in helping us through the dark times.
As Celia has said, we all have worth and at times we can't see why we are important to others, we tend to feel we are not up to standard, so to speak, but that is so untrue. There are always others who need us, even if we can't see it at times.
Let me tell you a little story, some will have seen this, but for those who haven't, it bears repeating.
Once there was a water bearer in Asia who carried two large water pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water when he arrived back at his masters house after the long walk from the stream. The cracked pot always arrived back only half full.
For years this went on each day, with the water bearer only delivering one and a half pots of water a day to his masters house. The perfect pot was always proud of it's efforts, always perfect to the end for which it was made, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it's own perceived imperfection, and was always miserable and depressed because it couldn't be seen to fulfill it's full accomplishments for which it was made. It believed it's existence was just not worthwhile.
After several years of what the cracked pot perceived as being a failure, one day it said to the water bearer, "I'm ashamed of myself and I want to apologise to you", "What on earth for?" asked the water bearer, "What are you ashamed of?"
The pot said," For years now I have been unable to deliver my full load, I haven't been able to perform to expectations, because of my flaw which causes water to leak out. This causes extra strain to be put on others and you don't get full value from me. I am worthless."
The water bearer felt so sorry for the old cracked pot, so with compassion he said," As we walk back towards the masters house today, I want you to take notice of the beautiful flowers along the pathway."
As they walked along the path, the old cracked pot took particular notice how the beautiful flowers glistened along the side of the path in the sun, but as they neared the end of their journey, it apologised to the water bearer again for spilling half of it's water load again.
The water bearer said,"Did you notice that the flowers were only on your side of the path, not on the perfect pots' side. That's because I have always known of your flaw and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds along your side of the path and every day while we walked back, you watered them for me. So all this time I have been able to pick beautiful flowers for our masters house. You are of immense worth to us all, despite what you perceive as a flaw in your makeup."
"Without you being just the way you were made, he would not have had the beauty to grace his surroundings."
The moral of the story is that everyone has their own unique flaws, we are all cracked pots to some degree, no one is really perfect. We all have challenges with how we look, how we are physically made, how we think and how we go about our lives and what we need to do in life to live a quality life. It's the cracks and flaws we each have which make our life so rewarding and interesting. We need to take each person as they are, for who and what they are and look for the good in them, and indeed to look for the good in ourselves.
There is so much good in people, so much good in yourself. Someone once said, Blessed are the flexible, for they will never be bent out of shape.
Never ever forget that we all have worth, you are important to people, you have much more worth than you think to those who love you and your friends also. You have much to contribute to the world, we just have to appreciate that life and the world is worthwhile because we are part of it. We are the world. It's not always easy for us, but as we grow as a person our circumstances change and sometimes we have to adapt. What was of immense help in changing my attitudes towards myself was when I could look at others and realise I needed people in my life, I thought I could live in seclusion and keep my flaws hidden, but as John DONN, the medieavel poet and cleric said so many hundreds of years ago, No man is an island, we cannot live in isolation, we need the warmth and comfort of others, it helps us walk through the dark times.
I wish you well and my heart goes out to you. keep smiling and just think that it takes 72 muscles to frown and 13 to smile. You are not alone, never think you are, help is always just an arms length away for any of us. We just have to speak up.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Thank you for your kind and wonderful words of wisdom. (I knew this place was great). Sally the story is great and can I easily identfy with it. Yet I have trouble when I am around people. I do not particulare enjoy it that often. Though I can handle it to the most part. There are just those times where I would not like to be around them. Maybe some reason why I would rather drive for 16hrs. Than fly for maybe 4. I enjoy the solist. It's my anxity that does thise it is my double edged sword.
One side is the people and all that repensent (something I think I should be more of)
The other side is with out the anxety that I have come so depenent on will then make everything not worth it.
So I need the sword but it keeps me isolated.
Jessie
P.S. I may take these post of mine to my theropist that I am seeing in a week as this is the first time I have ever been able to really post these words down and maybe he can help with me with the balancing act.
I'm still on the floor trying to come to grips with the post from Sally.
I couldn't offer any other bits of wisdom that could supercede or be in line with the two posts of advice above.
This place is so incredible. You all never cease to amaze me with your kindness and wisdom. I'm totally speechless.. but my fingers seem to be working!!
Yea, I was feeling sort of down earlier today and I need some where to vent and I feel this is a pretty good place. I later went to costco (sam club for those out east if you do not know what it is) and spent 30 min just walking around. I finaly realized that there was nothing there I wanted so left and filled my gas tank at the costco gas station (good price). By then I felt a little better. I then went over to AAA to get some stuff for my trip next month. Something I think will really help.
Jessie: At this point I think it would be a good idea for you to tell the therapist everything you are telling us. While there is a great deal of knowledge in this forum, the best we can do is offer a sympathetic ear and some (maybe good) general advice. Your therapist is trained and qualified to help. Please use this valuable resource (you're paying for it anyway)! Good Luck!
I know exactly what you're talking about hon... I know that a lot of people look at me & say "Lorna is so confident" or "Lorna definitely has her s*** together" but I assure you, that was NOT the case years ago. In fact, I felt quite the opposite.
I hated myself for many reasons, for more reasons than CDing alone. On top of the CDing, I was also struggling with the fact that I didn't "act black" enough (black kids acting "white" was as TABOO back then as CDing is today in some areas) Plus there was the fact that I was just a social recluse. I was hopeless. My "friends" constantly put me down & my family was never supportive of any new project I wanted to take on. As a result, my self-esteem was whittled away to ZERO. Those feelings were especially strong during my college years.
Back in 1992, a few days short of my 20th birthday, I tried to take my own life by lying down on the railroad tracks. It came to pass that a police officer saw me, pulled me off the tracks, and radioed for an ambulance. I wound up spending the night locked up in the ward until my father came to pick me up the next morning. For the next few weeks I had to see a therapist but I eventually just stopped going (BIG mistake, but hey I was 20, knew no better)
It took me until 6 or 7 years ago to realize that I should be free to act as I please and to do as I please with no regard to what other people say, including friends and family. I guess that's why I seem so confident with my CDing. Years ago I was struggling with many other self-acceptance issues. Been there, done that, I guess...
I wish you the best of luck with your sessions. Definitely keep us posted on your progress! Remember, you are a beautiful person who deserves to be loved, especially loving yourself. There is only one YOU.
Well Ladies I can't add much - hell if I knew all this talent was here I would not have gone to a theipist. Jessie, you can see we all love you and are pullling for you and we are here for you, don't be bashful we will do what we can to ease your burden.
Looks like a lot of us have had our trials and tribulations, but based on the IQ test results we have begun to figure out that we have talents far beyond mortal huMAN's. I can tell a quick story about my two sessions with the "counselor." In the first one I simply looked him in the eye and said "I am a cross dresser, and some statistics say that upward of 8% of the male population CD.- hell, you may be wearing women's underware for all I know!" He sort of laughed, and we went on with the session/ The second session was similar to the first and we both agreed that I did not really need to return - I was happy with myself and was working with my wife to help her understand/ (sorry guess I did not mention it was at my wife's Suggestion??!! that I go to therapy).
Anyway as I sit here contemplating the wonderful "threads" and GREAT responses from my sisters, I see my lipstick on my coffee cup and just want to jump up. touch the ceiling and scream - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to all of you,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
Thank You all for all the kind words. I am not sure when if or how I will be able teo tell my theropist a bout my CDing. I am not sure of how he will take it. I am thinking of testing the waters by asking how he handles .... well that I am not sure of.
Does any one have any idea of how to test the water with out really jumping full in. How do tell someone that is anilizing you with out sounding like a goof ball or the likes of which. I could really use some answeres in this area. As I would like to tell him about my CDing (it is a big part of who I am).
If your therapist is an experienced person, then it is in all liklihood that he has heard it all before. If you believe you are a goof ball, which you aren't, then you really do need to let all your built up pressure regarding your crossdressing, out into the open with him. One of the main benefits of a therapist is their capability to listen and help you open the floodgates, that is what they do.
I can honestly say that no therapist or psyc ever offered me any advice which benefited me in any way, but what they did do was provide me with a vehicle to open the valve and release the pressure. Talk is a wonderful thing, when we talk ourselves out, we can usually look back and think, what was the big deal anyway. Most of our anxiety, worry and concern is a product of our own making. We so often conjure up theatrics in our mind which we perceive as being so dreadful and would cause a castastrophe if someone found out, but because we keep it all within ourself and let it grow and magnify, it all seems so much worse than it really is. I would be willing to bet that if you approach your therapist, take the bull by the horns and say to him, what really is bothering you and causing your depression is your need for someone understanding to discuss your crossdressing desires with, as it's such an important part of your life.
As you want to talk with him so badly about it, until you do you won't begin to rid yourself of your depression. It seems it is such a big part of your being and I can vouch for the fact that being able to talk about it does make life better, it seems to take a burden off us, we all have our cross to bear, but if we can find someone to help us carry it, then the load becomes lighter and we begin to see life in a different light. You must overcome your fear of telling him, it's his job to help you and if you keep such an important thing hidden from him, then you only make his job impossible. Look at him as your friend, your benefactor. He is charging you good money for his services and you have to have complete confidence in him if you are to receive his complete help. Don't see him as the enemy, see him as a friend who is on your side and open up to him.
We all have to help ourselves to a certain degree. People will hold out their hand to us, but we have to reach out and take hold of it, we can't expect them to come all the way to us, they can show us the door to freedom, but it is only ourselves who can walk through it. I well know it seems so difficult at times, but look at it this way. You have a professional person there who is willing and trained to give you the help you require and need, to gain the maximum benefit and help he can give you, you HAVE to give him access to ALL the available information he needs to have to give you that help, any less than 100% from you just makes his task near impossible. He can only offer you his help, he can't force it on you, you have to meet him half way. People here can only do so much for you, we can't provide the professional help you need.
I hope you can find it within yourself to be fully frank with him, just remember he won't be shocked, or think any less of you, he chose that profession to help people and give the assistance which you require. You've done the hard part, you're in the door and talking with him, just trust him and let him do his job.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
That is some the best advice that I have ever heard about how to talk with a theropist. To clarify something however. I do not feel depressed about my CDing I feel depressed about my anxiety. Still you're right by letting him know all the info he can mabe help me more. That however scares me somewhat. Actual help. But when I see him next week. I shall take your words in hand and maybe (I can not sat for sure) I will tell him about the CDing part of my life. It took me nearly 23 or so years to even tell anyone close to me about my CDing so telling and right now only two people really know ok not really just two all you know. Still when I first told my mom (who like you has said I should bring it up with him each time after we talk after my meetings with him).
Yet how do you let 23 years of fear exist when you are just understanding yourself in only the last five or so. But I shall try as it may help.
Your last paragraph was very insightful. I hope you do bring it up to your therapist as it will help more when the therapist knows everything about you.
