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oh god, i need a friend right now

sorry to put my BS on display but i'm on the edge here & i dont know what i can do and i dont know where to turn

i think this is it. this is the last time. this is teh time when i finally go insane. not just eccentric or a freak but absolute offtheedge batshit INSANE

god im crying so hard i can barely type

so what happened is, the other night a close friend and i were walking home from the club

we got close to her house about 5 blocks & she asked me to turn off and go on to my house

oh god

i did, i left her alone. i thought its just a few blocks, this is a nice neighbourhood, and i was so cold and drunk

i just watched her walk away

the next day she was found in a snow bank, severely beaten. shes alive but she was badly beaten up & went to the hospital

i've been crying and crying & i dont know what to do

i cant stop thinking about it i keep reliving that moment and i have teh most terrible dreams
i cant sleep anymore because even when i cry myself asleep i have nightmares and i wake up cying even harder

if i had just walked another 5 blocks with her it wouldn't have happened
i could have done something

it should have been me that was beaten up and how many times have i tempted fate & exposed myself to such danger

and it happened to HER not to ME
how is that possible
that it was her not me

i wish it had been me not her
i wish i had just insisted to go home with her
why didnt i do it?

i cant stop thinkingh about this & i cant stop crying & i dont know what to do

nothing can ever make this right
nothing can ever make this go away
i failed

she's my moon twin. we have such an intuitive understanding of each other. how could i let this happen
this is going to haunt me to my grave
i cant think and i cant do anything anymore

how can i go back to my life now?
how can i gpo back to my bullshit little essays and my stupid crap
how can i do anything anymore
how can i live with this?

i feel like its eating me inside
i feel like im never going to be able to have any joy of anything anymore
& if feel like this is it
theres no going back
theres no fixing this
i can feel my self losing my mind
i am going to go insane

Misplaced guilt, please don't let it be your fault. You didn't beat your friend. Someone else did. Don't give them a free ride, they should be feeling guilt not you, if they don't it only shows they are less than human. I hope the morning finds you, mad, sad, anything but guilty.

Violet: There's no denying the way you feel about this. It was a terrible, tragic thing and it happened to one of your close friends. The only suggestion I have for you is the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" (or something very similar.) Essentially, the world is filled with many bad and terrible people and events. Someone, somewhere will be impacted by these bad things, and there's no avoiding it. Just remember she's still your friend and you're still her friend. Support her and help her recover from this bad thing, and don't let it stop either of you from being the wonderful people you really are.

I am so sorry about your friend Violet, I do pray for her.

First off, you won't go insane,, you are caring person towards your friend, if you were going insane you wouldn't care, her pain wouldn't upset you. As was said before, you must be by her side, this is a bad time to be alone, she will need your love and support

Also there is no way that you can second guess what could have been "if".

Life ain't like that, things just happen, it could have happened yesterday or two weeks from now, there is no way someone can think that maybe things could have been different "if". What you can do is be with her,, this is most important.

You can't go insane Violet,,, you must be with your friend to prevent her from going insane,, her emotional state will be messed up,, stay strong for her.

Violet, you and your friend both thought that she'd be OK in such a short distance. It wasn't just a judgment call on your part. Nothing about this is going to make you feel better in the short run, but you did not fail your friend, in my view. There was no shortcoming on your part that allowed this to happen--you made a decision that you now regret, but it was a reasonable choice. There was no reason to think that she was in danger.

There is no denying that it is tragic and painful to think about what happened. All I can compare it to is losing my mother--after she died of a heart attack, I had to deal with unrelenting grief, and there was nothing I could do about the situation. There was no "making it better" in the short term.

You can rightfully say that I was not in any way to blame for my mother's death, and so I didn't have to deal with that part of grief. I'm only bringing this up so that I can say that no matter what has caused grief to occur, you CAN live through it, and see it through. You haven't lost your friend, but there is still grief and rage and despair that you have to go through. There's no way around it, as you are saying. I will hope that you do not have to go into insanity in order to deal with it. You will have to find a way, and I trust that you will come through it safely.

I'm struggling to find the right words throughout this post, but this comes to me as I'm writing: try to separate the feelings. There is a rage and grief and sadness about your friend's condition. Then there are your feelings of helplessness and blame and anger at not being there to help her.

These are separate issues. For now, just try to focus on the feelings about your friend. Support her in any way you can. Disabling yourself is not going to help either one of you to get through this. The feelings about the tragedy are hard enough to deal with, so give yourself a break. Deal with the issues one at a time. Put your feelings of blame for yourself aside for now. You will come back to them, and deal with them later. Right now you have to have all your strength, and that can only come from not overwhelming yourself. You will be in my thoughts.

thank you so much ladies for your love and support
between crying fits & bad dreams Ive been trying to dull the shame & guilt
it's so hard, I feel so empty inside & so numb
I can't find the joy in anything now
I feel so angry
at teh people who did this horrible thing
angry at myself
& at this manure world that breaks good people for no reason
why was I ever borN?
I just want the pain to go away but I know it never will now
I don't know how I can go on
I'll try to stay strong & be tehre for 'moon twin'
but I feel my self losing control
I want to find these peopel and make them wish they were abortions
all I want is to smash things
and the thing I want to break most, is me

Violet I am very sorry to hear how badly your friend was hurt. I'm glad that she is going to be okay.

It's absolutely normal to feel the way you do I think.

As has been said your friend needs you. And she will need you more because once the physical injuries are healed she will have to deal with the emotional ones and she will need you then too. And at the same time you will need help from others as well. Who ever did this this did it not only to your friend but also to every one who cares about her as well.

Although this will leave scars on both of you, you will get through this.

You are also not alone. I remember the day my first daughter was born. Violence against women suddenly took on a whole new meaning for me. It happens an awful lot. And most do survive.

It is not your fault. It is the fault of whoever did this. The anger this can arouse in us can be very disturbing..

Be there for your friend. Allow others to be there for you. Hang in there. Keep posting.

Absaroka

Dear Violet,

Listen to what folks here have said. They speak true; you cannot know ahead of time which way the universe wants to go. You said so yourself: "it's just a few blocks; this is a nice neighbourhood." You could have reason to blame yourself--maybe--if you had parted with your friend while knowing that certain danger lay ahead. But you didn't know. Neither of you did. The only one to blame is the person who did this to her.

You're hurting right now. So is your friend. Cry bitter tears and rage against the world (because that is what your heart must do) but also be with your friend and hold her hand (because that is what her heart needs right now).

I send you love and hugs, sister.

CJ

Sorry to hear about your friend Violet, and I wish you both well.

As the others have said, you are not to blame. Now's the time to summon that internal strength and be there for your friend.

Doing harm to yourself because of misplaced guilt will only make your friend feel worse, and not be helpful at all.

I'm feeling better now kthx, I've had some time to talk with my friends and get a bit of perspective on the situation. Still feeling depressed and angry, but I had a really bad moment there. Thank you again so much my sisters, for all of your support and welcome words. My friend is doing well and taking things very philosophically.
I just wish I could find these f@#ks and teach them a little something about violence.

I'm glad your friend is doing okay and that you're feeling better.

Yes it certainly would be nice to see those people get what they deserve. Best if we don't act on it if given the opportunity and instead just involve the authorities but I understand fully your desire to teach them a lesson and would feel the same way.

Absaroka

I'm also glad to hear that your friend is doing well, Violet. It is also good to hear that you have some perspective on it, too, from those around you.

Violet

So sorry to hear about what happened, but glad to know your friend is doing better. Try and focus that understandable anger on helping her through this and let her know you're there for her. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, so once you realize that, you can begin to let some of that feeling of guilt fade away. I'm sure when she sees how much you care for her, you'll find her reassurance will help you to do just that.

Stephanie