The divorce is coming

[Tauny K.]

my Wife caught me in full dress about 2 months ago . since then she has gone from outrage , to "you betrayed me" to are you gay, to I can deal with this if I don't see it , to sarstic remarks at every opp., to don't even try to touch me, and the final stage is as soon as I graduate in july I'm filing for divorce. But she still wants me to pay for her schooling.

NE advice?????

[Kelly_W]

Hi, I'm a bit new here and I'm a crossdresser in a very mild sense, but nonetheless, I'm a cd. I've never attempted to help anyone here so this will be a first go at it. Let's see here.

So, Wow. That's quite the reaction for 2 months along only to come to that.

Knowing some parts of the reaction and being someone that just told his wife, I can probably point out that she might feel that you now owe her something for hurting her, for the betrayal, wasting her time, who knows, the list goes on and on.

Understand, regardless of who she is or what kind of person she is, she's hurt.

Possibly some education on what is and what isn't might be in order. When I wrote the letter to my wife telling her about me, I took literally MONTHS writing it to make sure I covered every base. Bring the information to her and show her that you're the same person but remember (that is if you care for her still), that you probably shouldn't just brush it off as if it's nothing. It may have been with you for some time but she won't get it. It's real pain to her and the minute you're "just fine with everything" and make it "her problem", you're doomed.

My SO (wife) has actually taken it quite well considering. She has her good days and her bad days where the same feelings you describe come out. It takes time if you both want it to work.

On the other hand, if she's nuts and you don't want it to work, I'd say hang it up now. Her school isn't your responsibility is it?

Kelly (a crossdresser in the mild sense)

[Aeryn]

Try talking about it with her if you can. Try marital counseling. Your SO is running through the gamut of emotions and that is normal.

[Michelle Miller]

But she still wants me to pay for her schooling.

Tell her that if the dressing goes, so does the funding, and how much you'll enjoy spending the formerly allocated financial aid on cute new clothes.

[Elizabeth]

Tauny,

First I want to say that two months is not a lot of time when it comes to absorbing crossdressing. Remember you have had a long time to get used to the idea. Also, she may feel a deep sense of betrayal because you withheld something so important from her. She is probably wondering what else you are hiding from her.

She is also probably feeling alone, embarrassed and not have anyone to talk to about it. She may feel she is the only wife in the world going through this. Information is the key here, if it's in her nature to accept this. I say that because there are many women who simply will not accept this. They want a certain kind of man and that does not include one who feels feminine at times.

But other women that find information, support, and some negotiation can come to accept and even enjoy this part of their husbands. But it takes time. And a woman's clock runs a lot slower than a man's clock. Two months is not very much time in the overall scheme of things. In woman's time, it's barely a blink of the eye.

Having said that, she may just not be able to accept this and divorce may be in your future. Unfortunately, it's not really in your hands. Give her some time.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

HI Tauny,

Sorry about your dilemma. Some of us can report, "been there done that."

As you have experienced, most if not all GG's/SO's when confronted with this new aspect of their spouse and most having never had any experience or understanding seem to always have the first two reactions yours did! First, you with held something from her (doesn't seem to matter what) just that you did not tell her something that she felt was very critical to the relationship. Her second response is textbook as well, "Are you gay?" That also says she has no understanding about "us"/crossdressers. At that point everything is on the table for them. They can immediately throw up their hands and run screaming into the night never to be seen again. They can give ultimatums, "you will stop or .............. (fill in the blank)!" Some don't understand but care enough for what ever reason(s) (they love you, they love the children, its a religious thing -- whatever) that they are willing to accept counselling and hope you will be "cured." EDITORIAL: my ex went to a counselor, a single (never married) female who treated her with the most advanced therapy from Mars - music therapy and .................... tuning forks on her feet. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that she (the counselor) convinced her that divorce was her only hope! - end of Editorial!
Some spouses will open their minds to this new idea with one of two approaches, one that they will learn as much as they can about it then decide if it is something that they can adapt to.

Fortunately some of us have found this "needle in a haystack" and have SO's that actually enjoy this aspect of our existence. Unfortunately, those seem to be very few and very far between, but again I digress.

As has been eluded to, communication is the key, at least initially to find out if she is open-minded enough to at least learn about this "gift" you now place on the table. If, on the other hand, as my sister, Elizabeth says she has made her mind up - sorry, but we will be here to offer a shoulder to cry on, burn a candle in the window and help you as we can.

Good luck, dear and please don't be bashful about telling us how it is going. If nothing else, there may be another of your sisters here in somewhat the same situation and looking to see how others handle it.

Stay with us!

Love,

Virginia

[Erin L]

I agree that two months is not a lot of time, especially given the fact that she caught you dressed. It's just so much more of a shock to the system than having found lingerie in your dresser drawers or some other evidence.

Obviously, the combination of threatening to file for divorce upon graduating on one hand, and demanding that you continue to pay for that degree on the other, is not reasonable. That means that it is the basis of a component of the discussion that must take place. So, while I often find Michelle's suggestions to be good ones (as well as hilarious), this time I'm going to respectfully disagree.

I agree with Aeryn's suggestion, counseling will likely be the way to go. But before you go, there are some questions you need to ask yourself because the counselor will ask and you should know your own heart before you face that. Is your dressing related to your marriage, or is it separate and apart from it? If you read through the "Beginnings" section, you'll see that most of us began dressing either as young children or as teens, so that it was part of us long before we met our SOs. But for some of us, dressing is a means of coping, and one of the things that we sometimes have to cope with is a bad relationship.

Assuming that you are not dressing to cope with a bad relationship, why did you choose to hide your dressing from your wife? In my case, for example, I told my wife when we were dating that I had dressed in my teen years (and I even told her of the time my father caught me), but I told it in the past tense, giving the impression that it was a dead issue. I did so because at the time I honestly believed that it was. In later years, when I realized how wrong I was, I have kept it secret because of the other pressures in our lives (documented elsewhere in the forum). You reasons my be similar or different, but you need to dig deep and find out what they are.

Years ago, I remember reading that when you truly love someone, it is not in spite of their faults but because of them. If you want to change a person's basic personality traits, then you don't really love the person. Many times, our wives have been attracted to us in part because we are sensitive, caring people. In other words, it may well be that your wife was attracted to you because of the very traits that compel you to dress.

Your support of her education is not something that you should hold over her head. It should be a natural part of your continuing partnership together. The trouble is, that boat has now hit some very rough seas, and it will take patience, understanding and tolerance to work through all that. If your marriage is to survive, it will require her to accept you as you are (probably with some ground rules going forward) and for you to accept that she does have a right to be deeply upset and hurt. Right now, she is seeking reassurance that you are the same person you always said you were, and you need to provide that assurance. Having deceived her once, you will need to be completely and unhesitatingly honest going forward. And you will probably have to beg her forgiveness for having deceived her. Don't begrudge her that.

My own view is that none of this is easy, even with a sympathetic third party, and it's almost impossible without one. So choose your counselor with care, and make sure he or she does not have a hidden agenda. If/when you suggest counseling, let her know it's because you want the marriage to succeed and are willing to do what it takes to make it so.

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck.

Hugs,
Erin

[Michelle Miller]

Erin and the others make good points, and my attempt at witty banter and retort to the wife there was misplaced, and should probably only be used as a last resort.

Basically, what everyone's trying to say is don't paint yourself into a corner.

[DonnaT]

Hi Tauny, to the forum.

My wife has known for nearly the whole 33 years we've been married, and as accepting as she is, she still has trouble with it all. So, 2 months isn't a lot of time for some SO's, especially if they've no desire to learn and try to understand.

Beside the good advise already offered, I suggest you let her rant when she needs to, without arguing with her. Once done, ask her if she's ready to talk.

By providing my wife with information that explains how being transgendered is possibly a result of genetics, and discussing the reasons we fell in love, my wife has been more accepting than not.

Sites such as http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm were helpful.

Articles such as found in http://web.archive.org/web/200510240833 ... /pg01.html
and
http://web.archive.org/web/200509201933 ... /pg06.html
helped convince her that that being a crossdresser/transgendered is likely a result of genetics.

Note that many equate transgender to only mean transsexuality, but it is also an umbrella term which crossdressing falls under.

So, you may have to explain how this does not mean you are inclined to transition, if you have no such inclination.

Best wishes.

[Erin L]

You know, Donna, I sometimes have wondered if part of the reason my father flipped out so intensely when he found out I hadn't "given it up" was that he had similar issues. He really did have very rigid ideas about gender roles, and he even once admitted to me that something like that was part of the reason he started drinking (he had gone to enlist in the army near the end of WW2; the doctors saw he had gynecomastia, and when they asked him about it - probably none too gently, given the military in 1945 - he flipped out and they rejected him; he went right from Whitehall Street to the nearest bar).

And if TG is genetcially determined - and it appears that it is - then the big difference between my father and me is that I accepted myself (if only after more than half a lifetime) and he never accepted himself.

It's amazing what damage is done in this life through non-acceptance. The neighborhood in which I spent my childhood was torn apart because one race wouldn't accept another. My father drank himself to an early grave because he wouldn't accept who he was (or who I was). My in-laws isolated themselves from their families because they couldn't accept that their granddaughter had autism. Communities turn themselves upside down because they can't accept people with disabilities. Todays headlines are heavy with reports of war from other places in the world where one group won't accept the other. The list goes on and on.

[Tauny K.]

Thank You all for the help . I am paying for her schooling because I gave her my word and that is something I never break. I have gone as far as signing her up in a CD SO support site but she won't go there to talk . Right now we are at the stage she won't talk to me at all (just makes hand signs to tell me when supper is ready). I lost it yesterday when she walked into the bathroom and threw her razor and shaving cream for her legs at me in the shower so I shaved my legs for the first time. (got to admit it feels realy realy nice) I won't go to consel cause everyone of those I've ever talked to was a flake with more problems than I will ever have. Oh well I'll keep you all posted

[EmilyN]

gee, what a discouraging story. i'm sorry to read and know that you are going through this. yeah, you should have come out to her before you married - oh yeah, so easy to say isn't it? my wife would not have know if she hadn't gone through my trunk before we married but while still living together...."what! are you gay??" i heard that loud and clear.

there's lots of suggestions out there - be honest, open, etc. etc.

here's what i should have done......1.) learned and come to accept the fact that i was like this, might likely always be like this, and might even have a greater need to be like this as i matured. 2.) accepted and even approved of myself the way i am. 3.) insist that i not accept a SO who didn't accept me (approval not required but acceptance is) 4.) show up for my relationship.

i got lucky, after she threw the s**tfit, a few weeks later in fact, she apologized for her behavior and her insistence that i toss my photos and wardrobe (damn! too late!), and we reached an accommodation of sorts. its' worked well enough, married 23 years now, two kids too.....

i guess if you have your best friend for a SO it seems to work out, seems to start there, friends, the person we'd most like to spend time with....love comes from that i think. best of luck, i needed to remember and think this through again myself.

[Erin L]

Tauny, counseling is a good idea, but you need to pick someone who will approach your situation as a detached professional. Your wife needs to be able to vent all that emotion at someone other than you (and with no sharp objects around), and there needs to be an objective third party who can dial the intensity down.

I'm still betting that the very aspect of your personality that drew her to you is the same one that leads you to want to dress, and if she can understand that, it will change the whole dynamic. But she's still too upset to absorb that, especially from you.

Hugs,
Erin

[Tauny K.]

Ok We just hit the wall! she outed me to her parents. In about 2 days everyone on the east coast will know. (her mother couldn't keep her mouth shut if she were under water

[Virginia]

Tauny,
From the "been there done that" book of favorites. I had the same thing happen. I asked my now "ex" not to tell anyone until I better understood (UH, this was seven or eight years ago) Well, I am firmly convinced that when she was born, they actually never "cut the cord" so the first thing she did was tell her mother, that of course led to her father knowing (he is a semi-retired minister) he of course told their son, who being a high school drop-out and probably can't even spell "crossdresser" immediately threatened to kill me if I hurt his sister!
After my first counselling session, totally voluntarily on my part to appease her and her parents (incidentally the counselor told me that she and her family needed counseling a lot more than I did) I sat at my ex-in laws dinner table and listened to them "preach" for a good two hours then after I had had enough I dropped the bomb on them. I paraphrase, but basically this is what I said. "Seems to me that since I have been married to your daughter for 27 years, to the best of my knowledge and that of at least three different congregations that Weldon (her father) has pastor-ed, every Halloween he has dressed in full feminine battle dress, wig, forms, hose, dress, hat, make-up, heels etc." His wife immediately replied, "But that is only once on Halloween!" to which I replied, "How many times does it take?"
Strange thing! They have never brought it up again!?

Keep your eyes and ears open, and by the way, if you don't know, being one of "us" isn't such a bad thing. Did you know that the average IQ of a crossdresser is as much as 20 points higher than the average member of "the great unwashed." We definitely are more in touch with who we are and we know what it is like to have "a gift" that others most likely secretly admire!

Keep the faith, we only get one "trip around the sun," and we can do it in heels!!!!!
Love,

Virginia