Am I outing myself without realizing it?

[Kyra]

Not so long ago, at work, I had an experience I'd like to share.
Let me preface with this: No one knows about Kyra at work. (at least i don't think so) I'm a pretty average kinda guy and well liked by my peers. This is the first place I've worked where I really love my job and the people I work with. I couldn't work with a better group of people...ever!
So anyway, one day I was in a particularly good mood and kinda bounced around the production floor. I was smiles all morning and greeting everyone quite joyfully. Some of the girls had gathered to chat in one corner and being my "nosey nelly" self, I ventured over within ear-shot. "Go away! No boys allowed!" was the reply I heard. My jaw dropped in mock disbelief and I started to saunter away. "Aww, did she hurt your feelings?" another questioned, "C'mon...you can be one of the girls." ...and with that she put her arm around me and ushered me into the little group who were chatting about this and that. I kinda just stood there for a moment trying to process what had just happened. My mind was screaming at me to blurt out "Yes! Yes! I am!" But I only stood and listened.
Later, I continued to replay what she had said over and over in my head. Finally I dismissed the comment and decided it was only a coincidence. I still felt good about the whole thing, though.

A couple of days later, eating lunch in the breakroom, I made a comment about a female coworker's outfit. Nothing new there...I've complimented women many times at work. But in this instance, another lady blurts out, "You're such a girl!"....all I could do was smile. I offered no protest. There were a few snickers over lunch that day but nothing mean was said to me. Again, I dismissed the comment.

The third incident is what made me realize something was going on. I was asked by one of the ladies to help move a piece of equipment (guy = muscles) and I said something about it being dirty and I went to get a rag to clean it first. That's when I heard, "Aw, don't be such a girl! Just move it."

My mind went in a thousand different directions at once. I must be giving off some sort of signal. I'm not doing anything different than I have in the past, and yet I've had ths comment on three separate occasions by three different women. Oh, I'm sure they talk about me and maybe that's why the same phrase has been repeated.

But still...'tis strange, no?
There's more, but I gotta run.

[Erin L]

Sometimes, we don't just act femme when dressed en femme. Sometimes, it spills over to other times and aspects of our lives. I look at it as opening up a little of my inner self when that happens without having to get dressed to do it.

The incidents you mention suggest that your behavior is atypical for the group's preconceptions of maleness, and they've noticed. And just like many women are supportive and nurturing when we are dressed, I think that many women are supportive and nurturing when we reveal our femme selves in other ways.

Viva la difference!

[Stephanie H]

Enjoy the feeling, but at this time, do not put your job at risk. Be sure to measure the future responses and comments of the girls carefully.

[DonnaT]

Well, you didn't object the first time, so it caught on.

[Jeannie]

Hi Kyra
Steph made a good point. If you start to feel comfortable with the GGs at work you might blurt something out and throw yourself under the bus. I also prefer talking with the GGs. Who wants to be in a living room with ten guys, drinking Bud while screaming at the TV watching the playoffs? It's sick but they don't know it. No wonder their wives can't stand them.
If you out yourself it will spread like wildfire. Trust me. I know! It's juicy gossip that can't be contained. You can tell Jesus but even he will blab it all over Heaven. Hugs hon. Have a fabulous new year.

Love
Auntie Jeannie

[Kyra]

Thank you all for your comments.

Donna,
I think you've confirmed my suspicions. I didn't strongly object at the first instance and now they feel they can continue the tease. I really don't mind, and I kinda like it. I don't know how the other "guys" feel about it, but no one has said anything.

Stephanie,
I'm always cautious when it comes to my job security. The company I work for has gender rights spelled out in the HR manual, but I know not to push the envelope. I've a very good friend at work and I'd like to tell him about Kyra, but I hesitate for good reason. Rules in a book don't always keep people from revealing their true nature. Yes, I think I would not be fired if outed, but as I stated, I'm very well liked by my peers. I'm not ready to jeopardize that for my own vanity.

Jeannie,
I'm with you on the talking with girls. I find myself enjoying their conversations over "hanging with the guys". I do try to balance my time with the ladies as well as the guys. It just feels awkward sometimes. I don't do sports much at all and that seems to be the only "guy" topic on the floor. *sigh* I try to vary the conversation by talking about movies or local events, but I don't get a lot of response.

Erin,
Yes! This is what I am striving to do. I want to let some of my femme traits spill over into the manly man society accepts. I guess I just didn't realize how easily or unexpected the reactions would be.

Here's another example of allowing my femme traits to seep out:
Colorado has a very dry climate. Skin moisturizers are prevalent all over my workplace.
One day I ran out and was going to get more from the storage room. I passed by a coworker's workstation and mentioned this. "Oh, here. Have some of mine." she stated, handing me a bottle of lotion. Without a second thought, I put some on my hands and started rubbing. That's when i noticed the fragrance. She brought a personal bottle from home (Bath and Body Works - Japanese Cherry Blossom) Wow, that smelled good! I thanked her and continued down to the closet. On my way back to my workbench, she asked if I liked her "Foo foo" lotion. We joked about it for a few minutes and I calmly said that it smelled really good and I would tell my wife about it. (We like Bath and Body Works products)
Well, a few days later...
I'm walking to my workstation and I hear "Oh K, I have a new lotion you should try!" and with that she produces another bottle. I asked her if she thought it weird of me to use it over the plain brand the company supplies. She said she didn't see anything wrong with guys liking "Foo foo" lotion. So I stuck my hand out and she put a dab on.
I told my wife about the whole thing and Christmas morning I found an extra gift from her in my Stocking. A bottle of lotion, scented, but with a more manly fragrance. I guess she's not well pleased with me using "Foo foo" lotion at work.

Hugs,
Kyra

[Anita]

Hi Kyra--
I liked the answers you got, and they're all productive. You seem to have a good balance going with the intregration of what we end up calling "femme" traits. I would say that you should prepare for those traits to keep coming out in unexpected ways, because once you've opened that door, it doesn't close again.

It's not like you're needing to live fulltime or anything, but the things you're expressing are off-limits to what, 95% of men in the workforce? When I say off-limits, I don't mean that there's any rules that prohibit it. We do the policing ourselves, from what we learned early on.

Other people reinforce it, but we're ultimately the ones who can choose to start relaxing the guidelines. It sure makes for an easier life when we do, but you have to allow for some spontaneity that's going to surprise both you and the co-workers from time to time!

My primary example is reaching out to touch a lesbian contractor on the shoulder as I said something to her and walked on by--something male-me would probably not have done, but which seemed very natural to my gal side. For me, I think it would be very painful to go back to suppressing them. Also, the longer I practice this, the less it seems like a split between male and female. It's just "me." It helps that many people are aware that I live in both genders, but as you can see, there's some tolerance and amusement even if people don't know the whole story.

[Diannna]

Hi Kira,
Kinda neat feeling when the girls seem to include you. I know, I have a bit of the same situation. Just be careful though. Don't read into it more then you may want. Could back fire some what. But enjoy. It is a pretty good feeling. Best to you girl.

[Kyra]

Also, the longer I practice this, the less it seems like a split between male and female. It's just "me."

That's exactly what my goal is. I would love to live my life as one person, without having to give up my femme side (or my masculine side, for that matter). I just want to be "me". Unfortunately, it's not something I will attain any time soon. I'm hopeful, though.

...and learning to be patient.

Thanks for helping.

Love,
K

[Carolynn]

Kyra, though I have never met anyone who could quantify it in any way, there seems to be masculine and feminine "vibes". TS folks are particularly sensitive to these vibes and often use that impression to separate cds from ts. From what I can tell without being around you, it sounds like you are starting to vibe female. Like many things, once out and recognized, you may find it hard to put the cork back in the bottle if you desire to haul back a bit on the vibe to protect your place in your male coworkers estimation. Even they may have already noticed, but women always notice the vibe before men do and I think they have. Part of it is kinda a projection of approachability, I think. I know that you said you want to blend the masculine and feminine side, but in our binary society, you may find yourself with little choice but to be more one than the other.

For five years before I explained to my coworkers that I was transitioning, my female coworkers first and my male coworkers a couple of years later, noticed little things about me that were different. Of course I was on hrt by the time the guys noticed, and there were some physical effects in my face too. Their behavior had changed toward me before I came out in such little things as holding doors, and talking over me at meetings or picking up my ideas as theirs after a short interval, without ever noticing, but the women did notice. The girls were wondering, but the guys were worried I might have an illness I had not talked about.

One coworker's dog (who did not like men anywhere around her person) and who had barked at me a few years earlier, came to me to be petted and hugged, much to the surprise of my coworker. She said, "Sadie doesn't usually like men.!" and then muttered under her breath, "But then again......" After I explained things to them, she told me that she had suspected based on her dog's reaction to me. So animals can be very sensitive to changes in scent and vibe too.

So it may be your "vibe" that is kinda outing you.

[Jennifer H]

zcv

[Carolynn]

WOW Jennifer!! When did you do this? You seem to have experience with it. Details, details girl.!!!! How long did you continue to work there? How long have you been fired?

Nobody OWES you anything, least of all a job in THEIR company. Most states have "at will" hiring provisions, and that means an employer can hire or fire you at his will. What you are advocating is irresponsible. And it presupposes that Kyra wants to be Kyra full time. She has talked about integrating her femme and masculine selves, not coming out.

[Jennifer H]

THANK YOU.

[Carolynn]

Jennifer,
Actually, I was being curious and admonishing not sarcastic. I was curious if you had actually done what you were advocating, as the internet is annonymous for the most part. Not everyone has your physical and voice attributes, and unlike you, are not in jobs/careers that are so accepting of your lifestyle. Nor do they all have such enthusiastically accepting wives. They have children they must raise and they need their salaries.

Be careful that in your enthusiasm for your life you not to lead others who might desire the same kind of life into impulsively trying to do the same when they lack these things. Once one outs themselves, or if they get outed, putting the cork back into the bottle is usually not possible. They can lose jobs and place the economic well being of their wives and children in jeapordy, and drastically reduce the probablily of getting new work. People in transition, especially M2F, face this daunting prospect a LOT. Particularly in today's economic climate.

For most it takes a lot of planning and dehairing and risk-taking to do what you have told us about yourself. In the details, yours would be almost a fantasy life for many not in your heels.

An average of two people exploring their femininity per month are killed sometimes at random, sometimes through risk taking behavior in their desire to try it all, sometimes taking risks due to economic need (prostitution), or suicide sometimes from being outed and losing family and work, sometimes from harrassment by their peers, highschooler's especially. These include both TS and TG. Have a look at the site below.

Remembering Our Dead
www.gender.org/remember/about/core.html

The current listing does not include 2008 nor the last 6 months of 2007. During the last 6 months of 2008 alone, 5 TS/TG people were murdered (two in Colorado, one in Tennessee, and one Washington D.C. within sight of the Nation's Capitol and one gender bending teen in California shot at school by a classmate), and three were ruled suicides (one is probably murder), and yet another is reported as cause unknown (Dallas, TX), and those are just the ones that made the news. Far more are misreported by the cops using male legal names and not mentioning the details. Murders of TG/TS people are often reported by them as suicide so they can pad their statistics for their town's Chamber of Commerce.

These don't count the two in S. Korea (one murder and one suicide), and one suicide in Australia, the two murders in Singapore, the one murder in Spain that made the news, then at least 5 murders in Brazil, victims of a serial killer preying on trans young people (in prior years he apparently killed one every two weeks and dumped their bodies, so his count may be under-reported this year), and the list can go on and on and on, country by country. These were reported to me through international friends.

So you are fortunate, but not everyone can do what you have told us about.

Congratulations on your satisfying lifestyle.

Carolynn

[Kyra]

From what I can tell without being around you, it sounds like you are starting to vibe female.

I never really thought of it that way, but there's certainly evidence that supports it, Carolynn. In my quest for being "more true to myself" it makes sense. I always thought of myself as 70/30 - male/female. I didn't think the 30% fem side was that apparent, but maybe, as you suggest, I'm simply "vibing" stronger to that side these days.

One coworker's dog (who did not like men anywhere around her person) and who had barked at me a few years earlier, came to me to be petted and hugged, much to the surprise of my coworker. She said, "Sadie doesn't usually like men.!" and then muttered under her breath, "But then again......" After I explained things to them, she told me that she had suspected based on her dog's reaction to me. So animals can be very sensitive to changes in scent and vibe too.

I've had similar experiences with pets and owners who have given the same comment. I've always responded with, "I love animals, and they can sense that." I believe animals do have a keen sense, but never made the connection to my feminine traits. Hmm, I'll have to look into this. It's an intriguing concept.

Thanks Carolynn!
Hugs,
K