Why Do You Respond?

[CeciliaO]

Hi Girls,

This is my first question here. Hope this is the right forum for it.

Once in a while on another forum I see someone who appears to be terribly confused about themselves and if I think I can be of service I respond and stick with the threads and answer any questions put to me. Usually there are hundreds of posts of differing POV that may be applicable and useful to the OP. Many of the posts are artculated in a way that seems to me hard to misunderstand. (I have a rather abstruse way of putting things but will choose to do it that way when it appears
straighter talk isn't getting through)

So often at the end of these "marathons" the OP decides to do what they had decided on doing before posting, ignoring most of he very good advice given and is not heard from again.. Seems like it went in one ear and right out the other, and that is so frutating to me after I have done my best (as well as everyone else) to help. Happens over & over again. Once in a while someone gets it and avoids a lot of grief, and that is very nice to see.

From where I sit, I am satisfied with the results of my self discovery and no longer have any important questions relating to my cross-dressing and sexualiy that have not been answered to my satisfaction years ago. Every time I have tested those conclusions, the results are the same.

I also sense that when someone such as myself (one who is done working through the self-discovry/acceptance process) posts, the contribution isn't particulay believed or welcome. And I am not particularly interested in responding to a, "what colour panties are you wearing today", or "where do you hide your stuff" etc. Of course I recall how it was and could respond but I would rather reply with a joke, but that can backfire too.

I suspect(almost certain) many of the ladies who have figured themselves out have little or no need to hang around forums that are geared to the newbie, whatever age they begin to come to terms, and spend thier time out in the real world living as they have learned to do.

So, despite the fact that my desire to help is genuine, the only reward being the knowledge that I did something worthwhile for someone, a stranger, I find myself easily fatigued, burnt out, and have come around to the conclusion that it may be time for me to stop the "missionary" work altogether, at least with respect to internet forums. And I should add here that I am over 60 and I have been mentoring(one on one) a very old friend who is older than I am, a very late starter, and THAT has been very gratifying, and a lot of fun.

So my question is for people who deal with this, especially the mods day in & out, What keeps you going?

All replies very welcome. CeciliaO

PS. Heck of a "first" post I know.

[Kimberly Kael]

Once in a while on another forum I see someone who appears to be terribly confused about themselves and if I think I can be of service I respond and stick with the threads and answer any questions put to me.

That's certainly what the forums are all about. I know I'm thankful that people take the time to express themselves, whether or not I started the thread in question.

Usually there are hundreds of posts of differing POV that may be applicable and useful to the OP. Many of the posts are artculated in a way that seems to me hard to misunderstand ... So often at the end of these "marathons" the OP decides to do what they had decided on doing before posting, ignoring most of he very good advice given and is not heard from again.

That's certainly their choice to make and it's not the least bit unusual for someone to look for validation and support for their own inclinations. I'm not at all surprised that you don't see many people deciding to change based on feedback from a virtual stranger. Still, no matter what they decide, they're doing so with more viewpoints at their disposal than they would have otherwise, and of course countless other people can learn from the exchange without ever directly participating in it.

If I have any meaningful impact on even one person here, I like to think the time I spend posting is worthwhile. Not every exchange is going to be life-changing but every now and then I read something that makes me think, and that's enough to keep me coming back.

I also sense that when someone such as myself (one who is done working through the self-discovery/acceptance process) posts, the contribution isn't particularly believed or welcome.

I can't think of any instances offhand, but it does sound like you've had some bad experiences and I'm sorry to hear that. I do find that if anyone posts something that purports to be authoritative (eg: "this is the way it is ...") it's much more likely to be challenged than something phrased as an opinion or a personal experience. It's easier and less threatening to participate in an exchange of ideas than to have someone tell you what to do or who you are. I know that for me, personally, after finally starting to question what society at large has been telling me I am looking to make my own discoveries and form my own opinions. I'm looking for ideas, not answers.

And I am not particularly interested in responding to a, "what colour panties are you wearing today", or "where do you hide your stuff" etc.

Although it's easy to write these threads off as newbie fluff, they serve much the same purpose as any lightweight banter between people. Conversations about the weather, what was on television last night, etc. are more about getting to know someone and becoming comfortable around them. If I've enjoyed talking to someone about something inconsequential I'm more likely to listen to them when it comes to a weightier topic.

[DonnaT]

Not all the queries are unique. We respond with advice we hope is sound. We certainly don't want to mislead, hopefully.

But since the question may not be unique to the OP, someone else reading the thread may see a reply and it will help them.

So, I respond to help, not only the OP, but anyone else who may be in a similar situation.

[CeciliaO]

But since the question may not be unique to the OP, someone else reading the thread may see a reply and it will help them.

So, I respond to help, not only the OP, but anyone else who may be in a similar situation.

I lost sight of that until you and kimberly mentioned it. Thank you. I have a longer reply but it's in editor"s purgatory at the moment so I'll post it tomorrow when it's finished. Exhausted now. CeciliaO

[Anita]

Hi Cecilia--
It's a good question. Sometimes I take a break from posting, too, although that hasn't happened in a while.

But in answering the same questions, I may phrase my answer in a different way. Every week is a new experience in this "Second chapter," as I called my Beginnings post. The way I answered the question two years ago may not be the way I answer it now.

Besides that, there is something real and here/now in responding to someone. To them, what they're asking is all-consuming, and a search of old archives is not speaking to them.

Ideally, I want to expand my website. That is the best use of the time we can spend helping others, I think--post the best information that you've come up with, and let others know where it is.

[CeciliaO]

Anita,

I appreciate your reply. Understand.

One of the things that was bugging me that I didn't mention was, I sent the OP a lot of detailed info with a simple request, to let me know one way or the other if the material was helpful. If it was, then I would be satisfied for doing a good job, and if not, I could go at it from another direction.

Didn't get a reply for 4 days,... maybe the OP was exhausted. Well, I finally got a response today, so the project is not dead. Have to train the OP to focus clearly and be specific.... and there is a translation issue complicating things. Anyway, it's still a work in progress.

The lesson in this for me is to be more selective with whom I choose to reply to in the future... or perhaps a better way to put it is, choose a "problem" to work with that is not as severe as this one is. In this case few stepped up to bat right away, so I did. Eventually a lot of people got involved.

Thanks to all for responding.

CeciliaO

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Cecilia,

Not only here, but on the only other forum I'm a member of (two's enough for one lifetime) I find giving information to be fun, interesting, and it helps teach me too.

Sounds as if you have passed that point. I expect we all do sooner or later.

For example, I notice the "older" members of this forum tend to reply only seldom. They are probably past the adventurous stage when researching and tossing around info is pleasant.

I can foresee a time when I may back off a bit too. In fact, on my other forum -- where I've been a member maybe five times longer -- I already have restricted my contributions just to topics where I'm likely one of the few who can contribute.

Apart from that ... Maybe it's some Buddhist aspect of me, but I don't -- or try hard not to -- let myself get attached to results. The answer is its own reward. You know, cut wood, carry water. So it doesn't bug me if a stranger doesn't respond, even if I've spent a pile of time and effort answering her. Helps no end!

Doggone, I wanted to respond with a joke or funny-twist ending, but I can't think up one fast enough ... where *is* my presence of mind when I need it?

Love, Robyn Katie

[CeciliaO]

Thanks Robyn Katie... (how do you prefer to be addressed?)

I would love to hear your joke!

Well, now that I have lived alone for years after a long marriage with my sweetie, I have been a little surprised that my cross-dressing activities didn't escalate the way i thought they might. As you correctly observed, The Big Celebration phase that occurs when one finds themseves and goes out there to express it, (some never return from Pinkland,... I guess they forgot to take along a compass(GPS) and land anchor<laugh>) has been over for a while. I rarely go out in public solo now. Rather, I prefer and frequently arrange and/or attend private dinner parties or other theme get-togethers with a small group of very close friends. Seems a little can go a long way. I dress at home at least half of the time and when I get together with friends I love to "do it up" big time. (Blush, I admit I like to show off) For the most part I'm satisfied... but I wish my wife was still alive. (sigh)

Your Buddhist comment is interesting... wise... to not hold on to or push away from... I"m working through that with respect to my involvement in said forum and my last comment in the paragraph above.

Well, that's about all & I like it here. BFN.

CeciliaO

[Jan W]

Cecilia,

What a good subject to explore - well done.

In thinking it over it is a combination of wishing to help a sister, enjoyment in being part of a caring community and as Robyn said it can also be quite cathartic.

Another good reason is it is fun. I do understand your frustration when what you feel is good advice goes begging but isn't all advice we offer in life subject to that possibility?

I will continue to give my two cents worth of free advice when I am motivated to do so and if the girl in question decides to ignore the advice it really doesn't matter to me as it is ultimately her choice.

As an after thought - I started a thread recently on the 'other' forum I belong to only to have it rejected by a GG moderator. No problem as it was a bit flip but when wading through the "what colour panties" and "who wears panties to work" threads it does make me wonder what the devil is going on sometimes.

Oh well it costs us nothing and it is good fun.

Love,


Jan

[CeciliaO]

Hi Jan,

I'm using a friends computer at the moment so I'll be brief and just say thank you for the kind words!

Cecilia

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Cecilia,

I happily answer to either "Robyn" or "Robyn Katie." It tickles me so to be called by my girl name that I haven't a preference.

So please call me whichever you prefer, or both at different times.

Here I am again caught with no joke! Wait ... wait ... Okay, here goes. I know you haven't heard this one, 'cause I just made it up:

See, there were these two Irish crossdressers, Pat and Mike. And Michaela says to Patricia,
"Will ye do me one last favor when I die? Will ye just make sure I'm buried in me dress?"

And Patricia says, "Begorra, I will not, for I'll be takin' it off yer corpse and wearin' it to the funeral!"

(Giggle) Sorry. Pretty lame. Best I could do at 8:30 in the a.m.

Love, Robyn Katie

[CeciliaO]

Thanx Robyn, I appreciate that! Cecilia

[Absaroka]

Cecelia that's a good question.

I got a lot from these forums when I started reading them. It's my way of giving back. Sometimes I really do feel empathic for the OP and hope to be of help. It's how I am, although as I have said many times here anyone who needs serious assistance needs more than an online forum.

The other reasons are that posting often helps me sort stuff out. And.... I just like to talk about this stuff, and here is where I can do it.

For a while I contributed every day to what are you wearing. Then I got bored with it. And the truth is that I don't dress nearly as often as I used to. But I still enjoy talking about it.

Absaroka

[CJ]

Cecilia,

I think Absaroka hit the nail right on the head, as far as my own reasons for posting go.

I've discovered that I write mostly for (and, often, to) myself; that another person may glean some useful nugget from my self-explorations is a bonus.

Here's a little story (and it's a true one, too): when I was in my early teens, my father said to me that one of the best things I could for myself--regardless of what was going on in my life, good or bad--was to go find a tree somewhere in a secluded park, sit under it, bring out pen and paper, and just write. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, my opinions, my ideas on life, the universe, and everything; commit these to paper. Regularly. He said the point of doing this, aside from the obvious one of gaining a better understanding of my own intellectual and emotional history, was simply to "clarify myself to myself." By golly, it's worked pretty well so far.

So this is another point with which I'm in agreement with Absaroka. Writing something down, whether as a personal mini-essay or as a more or less focused reply to an online forum original poster, helps me sort stuff out. That others may profit from my meanderings is but a boon. Yeah, sounds selfish, I know. But there's also a large part of what keeps me going on this forum that has to do with my wanting (and needing) to let others know that they're not alone in the (mild to excruciatingly painful) issues they're dealing with in their lives. REM said it best: "Everybody hurts sometimes." The problem is that it seems not everybody knows this. When I post on a forum, it's like I'm trying to say, "everybody hurts sometimes." But what I really hope people get from my replies and responses is, "everybody can recover" or "everybody can be happy sometimes, despite the hurt." The "hurt" and the "happy" come with the territory, not merely of being differently gendered, but of being human, plain and simple.

This enthusiasm for all of life's emotional facets is what keeps me going, what prevents me from burning out. That I can know that, occasionally, that very enthusiasm has been transmitted to someone else is, of course, a bit of a booster shot for me. But it's not a requirement. Put your actions (even if these "only" turn out to be words of advice to a relative stranger) out there, into the world, and move on. Expecting acknowledgments or hoping for a particular result will only serve to tie you down, to root you to one fixed spot. This is when growth--even minute growth--stops.

I, too, don't have much inclination to spend time in the "panty colour" threads of the forums. But I once did. And I never fail to remind myself that I did. And I do so not out of any "been there, done that" blasé snootiness but as an exercise that allows me to feel and to sound out where others--who may be just stepping out on the road to self-knowledge--are on their own journey. To me, this journey has jewels or points of light strung across its entire length, and I respect it at all its points. This outlook, too, is part of what prevents me from burning out. It's pretty simple, in my case; if and when I do feel myself tiring (and it does happen, not just here on the forum, but in my life at work as well), I just "de-invest" myself a tad. I pull back a bit. On the forum, I post less (though I continue to read). Doing this is healthy. And necessary.

This is a great thread you've started here, Cecilia. A good issue to explore. Thanks.

Love,
CJ

P.S. Welcome to the forum!

[CeciliaO]

Thank you CJ for you splendid reply & Absaroka too.

Your father's advice was very wise and that is part of my motivation as well. Of course it's a true story... one of the primary reasons your site feels like home to me is I can believe what I read. The rest of your post comfirms that observation. Each and very item you have mentioned can be part of my motivation as well. I have a few other answers... but I will wait a little before putting them up for review. "Flow" on the thread is great the way it is going right now.

Love, Cecilia

Edit: I would like to add that my participation in this site is "theraputic" for a reason other than Cding and the issues related to it. I have been in a "holding pattern" for years since my wife passed away. With respect to Cding I have not progressed nor am I sliding down a slippery slope. I am not on that trail. My participation here is somehow helping me come to terms with my grief and I am beginning to see that the holding pattern is breaking because of it... I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your acceptance.