Came home and all my clothes are gone

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:13 pm

Well, Wendy, you have received some sage advice from some of the best.

I would of course second the statements pertaining to seeing if she will sit down with you and talk about it, but I would make sure that you have "all your ducks in a row" first. That is, there were a couple of posts here referencing the fact that "medical science" I believe in Germany, Sweden and Australia have all concluded that yes we are born this way. You can also rest assured just from your sisters here, it don't go away. If you are strong enough, you can repress it, supress it, ignore it and take it to your grave, but honey you will lead a miserable life because it is always there, nagging at you.

Now that being said, if she won't talk, perhaps as you suggested she is being misled from an outside source, that can open the door to having her consider the two of you going to counselling. If she refuses that, her statement that "she still loves you." Well, I am sorry, but it just "don't hold water."

As was eluded to above, you may be put into the situation of taking "Virginia's Challenge." That can be a last resort for the relationship, however.

As has also been said, we are here to support each other and as you can see there is a multitude of experiences here. If we, the forum, is your only "outlet" to vent or to ask for support, don't leave us. We will support you and help you and share ideas with you.

We want only the best for you, so keep us informed and we will all do what we can to support you.

Love,

Virginia

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Oct 04, 2009 6:52 am

Hi all,

Wendy, there are some good suggestions and insights here; heed them.

All I have to add is this: your wife had absolutely no right to do this and it was incredibly mean-spirited of her to do so... even if she, too, was hurting over your gender foibles. Set your limits. Talk things out with her, buy anew what clothing you need to survive emotionally and mentally, and if this kind of thing ever happens again look for the nearest exit. If your wife cannot stomach the fact that you're a CD--to the point where she'll ransack your possessions and force you back into some psychological closet--she's perfectly entitled to look for the nearest exit as well.

Man, I'm fuming mad right now. Doesn't your wife realize that, by forcing you to move back into your lifelong shell, she's also forcing you to put some emotional distance between the two of you? In effect, she's shooting herself in the foot with this kind of behaviour. And you're shooting yourself in the foot, too, by allowing it, Wendy.

I hope the two of you can work things out. But, like Elizabeth said, separation, although an unpalatable option, does remain an option. Good luck.

Love,
CJ

WendyC · Post by **WendyC** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 1:09 pm

Wow thanks for all the support from all of you. Im just taking things one day at a time at this point. Im not exactly sure what triggered this action of hers wether t was talikng to her girlfriends or maybe something I may of left out . I dont think it would of been clothing , Im good at keeping things hidden but I do like to read books about CDing and other TG issues and I might of left something like that perhaps. She reacted very negatively the last time I tried to offer some reading material to undestand the topic better. She did cocede at the time that my motives were from my standpoint were understandable but she still reacted badly.That was about a year and a half ago. I have no idea whats shes thinking right now. Im strongly thinking of asking her about counseling or if she wont go then at least maybe I could go. She went away today to the gym with our son to also swim. I just got done cleaning the house which helped get some tension off. When she gets back its my turn to exercise . Walking for a hour or so with my mp3 helps as well. To tell you all the truth, Im so scared right know, scared of losing my family -job or both.Thank you all--Wendy

April Rose · Post by **April Rose** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:20 pm

Everyone has been very reasonable to this point and I agree with their advice, But the 600 pound gorilla in this room is that your wife has treated you very badly. Maybe you overstepped your boundaries. If you did, there are any number of ways she could have reasonably called you to account. This was not one of them. This was an act of cruelty. Are you inherently evil? Do you not deserve the same respect as any neighbor, or any casual friend, or, for that matter, any stranger in the street?

To go into your personal space, to remove your personal property,and above all to assume authority over what is acceptable in your behavior would not be tolerable to any one of them,Why should it be tolerable to you?

At the very least, the woman owes you an apology.

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:51 pm

Hi WendyC

I just want to add my sympathy in your difficult situation. I do hope the two of you can talk about it, and she can be reassured about the nature of your need, and the pleasure it brings you.

Jessica North · Post by **Jessica North** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:10 pm

Hello Wendy,

Wow, do I ever feel for you. This is truly one of my worst fears regarding my CDing and my wife/family.

I do hope that the situation calms down and you and your wife are able to discuss her actions. While I agree with many others here that she has violated you personally, I would be wary of firing back in anger for fear of further damaging your relationship. Communication is going to be key for you both.

Hopefully after some time and understanding you can both go shopping and replenish your femme things. Wishful thinking right now I know, but stay positive and keep us updated.

Hugs,
Jessica

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 1:07 am

You should also tell your wife that if she deliberately throws out any of your possessions in the future then the marriage is finished , be they CD items or other unrelated items.
I made that threat after my episode , I will not live in a disrespectfull household.
I hope you take a similar firm stand on this Wendy.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 6:54 am

I don't have a lot of suggestions on what to do here. But I do agree with April and Merinda. Throwing your stuff away is very different from her telling you that she is adamant that she can't deal with you having it there in the house and insisting that you get rid of it.

The way I see it there are two things happening at once. One is all the CDing stuff. The other is her disrespect for your autonomy.

If this is unusual behavior for her then I think it's a sign that something pushed her to the breaking point, and you'll want to think about that. If it's not unusual behavior for her, then this is the woman you married, either accept it or let her know that you can't accept this type of behavior.

The CDing part is simple by comparison. Either stop for a while, try to negotiate something, or go into total stealth mode and don't let her know. None of them are pleasant options. But with a temper like it sounds like your wife has, no doubt she has secrets too-anger and secrecy are best friends even if they don't speak to each other.

Zari

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 1:14 pm

I wonder if some kind of compromise might work. I think my spouse's acceptance is partly because my activity is limited to dressing; no wig, no makeup. I know I can't look like a woman, and love the sensuality and excitement of the clothes. In our case, the compromise works. I do wear women's pants, shoes, jackets &c. away from home, but only wear skirts, dresses and a filled bra in the privacy of our home.

Stormy(SO) · Post by **Stormy(SO)** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 7:45 pm

Abaroska wrote:

"The way I see it there are two things happening at once. One is all the CDing stuff. The other is her disrespect for your autonomy.

If this is unusual behavior for her then I think it's a sign that something pushed her to the breaking point, and you'll want to think about that. If it's not unusual behavior for her, then this is the woman you married, either accept it or let her know that you can't accept this type of behavior."

I agree. I also think that SilverLady's solution to the problem is a very good one. One other thing would be to lose the books until you can ascertain what is really happening here.

Nobody should have to tolerate this type of behavior. Put another way, no man would tolerate a wife throwing out all of his golf equipment because she doesn't like the fact that he plays golf!!

I'm not out here very often anymore - I'm happy and content and feel that I rarely add value however when Missy told me about your post I freaked!! I was married to someone that didn't like that I dressed for work and dressed more casually at home. He literally cut up all my work clothes, a full length fur coat, all my wigs which were very "in" at the time and destroyed my make-up leaving me the mess!! We were divorced shortly thereafter, however I also heard you say that you are scared of losing your marriage, your child and your job so again consider SilverLady's solution.

You, btw, are a very beautiful woman and are someone I would be proud to be seen with!! Missy will tell you that from her personal experience I am a tough critic <G>!! Anyway, if you need a woman to talk to that doesn't take any sh!t from anyone please feel free to email me. I'm not sure what the problem is (I have ideas) but the behavior should not be tolerated.....zoikes.

Stormy

Post by **KimberlyS** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:11 pm

Wendy, I am sorry to hear what your wife did. All I can say is good luck. I have been riding the roller coaster with my wife with the CDing issues lately also. It is not much fun. But my wife has not gone to that extent.

London · Post by **London** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 8:09 am

Let me describe my EX. See if it rings a bell. This would be her talking:

"You love me. You give me everything I want. You make me feel special, wanted. I love you."

"You are doing something I don't like. It makes me feel bad. I don't like it. I hate you."

"I don't want to hate you. I will make you stop it. Don't ever speak of it again. There; I love you again!"

Sound familiar?

She was like this about many things. Fortunately I had not discovered my CD side when I was still with her. Man she would have flipped and life would have been even worse. Fortunately that part of my life is over with.

I now have a wonderful woman in my life and we discovered my CDing together and she doesn't like it, She loves it. She finds me sexy in my frillies. Kind of a man/woman best of both worlds sort of thing.

Anyway, I hope you work things out but my thoughts are that love does not mean forcing someone to be something they are not.

Take care
London

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 2:18 pm

London wrote:Let me describe my EX. See if it rings a bell. This would be her talking:

"You love me. You give me everything I want. You make me feel special, wanted. I love you."

"You are doing something I don't like. It makes me feel bad. I don't like it. I hate you."

"I don't want to hate you. I will make you stop it. Don't ever speak of it again. There; I love you again!"

Sound familiar?

London

Firstly welcome to the forum London ,

The perfect reply to a wife that uses the "if you really love me" argument is:
" Well if you really love ME you would let me be myself "!

London · Post by **London** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 3:48 pm

You are correct. That is the perfect response to a wife that says "If you love me."

Unfortunately some wives don't even say "if you love me". They just tell you what will be "or else". Since you love them, and since it is usually a tiny thing,you aquiesce. Then it's one small thing after another. Then the big things come or you just get tired of all the small joys disappearing from your life.

Personally I never had the big thing. It just was a lot of little things and the lack of communication due to so many things being out of bounds.

In that former life, it wasn't the Cross Dressing, simply because I had not rediscovered that part of me yet. But I have always been Polyamorous but only occasionally lived that way. I did not try to live that way with my EX as she was very closed minded, but most of my friends were women and that was a source of tension.

I have always been open-minded about everything and it's taken so long to find someone of a similar mind to share this wonderful adventure that life is.

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 4:53 pm

Wendy,

I'm sorry for your troubles. They are somewhat reminiscent of my marriage, in that my needs were always secondary, and incrementally eroded over time. In time, I realized that each little instance where I acquiesced to something that denied a part of me, it only empowered her to do more, but her respect for me declined at the same time. I.e., you do not gain the peace, or win her approval or love, by accepting ultimatums that run contrary to who you are, however big or small.

Like you, I had children, which made the whole thing that much harder. In time, the relationship deterioriated to where neutral was a good day-- most of the time the atmosphere was very negative. We ended up having separate bedrooms, and eventually my bedroom was the only room in the house I felt safe in. The marriage lasted 24 years, of which 13 were strictly because I felt the children should have two parents. My counselor told me, though, that it would be better for the children if my wife and I divorced, allowing me to find a truly loving spouse so that my kids could see what a respectful relationship looked like. In retrospect, I can't say whether staying was better than leaving. She initiated the divorce a couple of years before I would have, and it was brutal, and really tough on the kids. But you can't redo the past.

Sorry I can't offer any more words of wisdom than my sisters here have done. But I can say unequivocally that when someone demands that you change who you are, they won't like the person they end up with. If it is you that she loves, she has to understand and accept that you are who you are, in all your complex glory.

I highly recommend marriage counseling. Above all, be yourself. You've been wronged, and you've done nothing wrong. Communication is essential now, as painful as it might get. Mutual respect is the key. If she doesn't grant you respect, don't lose your own self respect, and continue to maintain your respect for her. She made a mistake. If she can realize that, and realize that she has to accept all of you (with whatever accommodations you mutually agree on-- note that it must be mutual, though, not unilateral), there is hope.

Best of luck.

Grace

Crossdressers-Haven.com

Came home and all my clothes are gone

ZOIKES11