Struggling with Crossdressing

[Anne Bonny]

I have been struggling with crossdressing since I was about 3 years old when my sister and I were playing in the back of my grandmother's house one day and she placed a yellow dress on me. Prior to this I have no memory of issues involving a crossing of the gender line set up by society. Recently I have been attempting to stop yet here I sit fully enfemm as after most of a lifetime it is difficult. I see it as an addiction and made the decision not to purge and thought of this as the bottle of Rum in the shadow box, figuring that in time desire would decrease the clothing would fall out of fashon, become old and musty hanging in the back of the closet. I have returned to the closet. I still remember years ago when I first told my wife of 7 years. There is very little research that I can find on the effect this may have on our wives. I believe this at first had to cause severe distress, mental anguish, and stress. Two years ago my wife at an early age (50) began to show signs of mental decline which after many hours expensive testing and miles of travel she was diagnosed with Dementia of Alzheimer's type with the caveat that her PET Scan is consistent with this diagnosis while her 4 hour battery of questions is not and that time will tell. Today I can't help but feel that the stress has played some part in her mental decline. To protect my wife from further stress I made my decision to stop and not as I struggle with this keep all strictly in the closet and in secret. She is with her mother for a few days, our boys are in school and here I am enfemm..... I have always been a Christian and this adds to my desire to stop. I was born male, I have a male brain and my thought process is male. I can never be female, even if my body were to undergo gender reassignment it would not change that fact, but obviously such reassignment would be wrong for me though like many many of us we fantasize about it. I believe I this is a sexual fetish and it therefore amongst the most powerful of addictions and short of something drastic like electric shock therapy (which I would never undergo) I will never overcome this. The Holy Spirit can wall it off and decrease desire in time but I will go to my death struggling with this. The whys and werefore of the causes I am sure are many and varied for different people, we are all different. Some choose acceptance and some will torture their selves. At one time I was in the former group when my faith waned but my Christian core has always been there immutable. My belief holds that denial of God's will in my creation as a male is sin for me because this is not his will for my life. The natural man's desires must be supplanted as we yeald to the will of the Almighty. The Unmoved mover who created all that exists and revealed himself by interveining in his creation. I suppose you can all write me off. The argument is God made me like this? God created ambiguous genetalia, and hard wired this into our transgendered brains washed in the womb with female hormones - perhaps. Genetic? perhaps. All speculation though some would argue scientific methods suggest support for all of this being hardwired thus allowing them to argue that if God made us this way we should accept it - perhaps. Adieu

[Anne Bonny]

Once we don an article of clothing made to be worn by the opposite sex we can never put pandora back into her box. At that point those who discover they like this have flicked the switch over to the on position and can never flick it off again. As a Christian I can see how the consequence of this action creats a mental struggle we can never escape from. As Alfred Hitchcock once wrote: "Things done can't be undone."

[Gillian]

Check your message box please.

[Ralitsa]

Hi Anne Bonny,
the things that you are struggling with are all the same things we have gone through ourselves, so you have definitely come to the right place to talk.
I will briefly touch on the points that you raised, but I'm sure some of the others will comment in more detail based on their own experiences.
As far as how ones SO will react, that varies across the entire spectrum from total rejection to encouragement. But I think it's safe to say that most women don't like to be surprised with it, when they find out after many years they feel like they have been deceived. Sometimes this is worked out, sometimes not. In my own case, my ex-wife seemed OK with it for years, until she decided to get a divorce, and then she used it as her reason for wanting a divorce. I don't believe it was, but anyway...
I don't believe that being a Christian is inconsistent with crossdressing. There is no record that Jesus ever cared about it. On the other hand, He did say quite a lot about judging each other and that seems to be forgotten by all the christians who like to lecture us about our sins. I once talked to a Catholic priest about it (at the insistence of my ex who was hoping he would lecture me), and he pretty much said it was irrelevant and harmless.
I've never seen anything which links stress to Alzhiemers, so I really doubt that it has anything to do with your wife's condition. As far as I know it's just genetics and bad luck. I don't think you need to blame yourself about that.
I think we will all agree that this is not something that will go away, nor does the desire diminish with time. So like it or not you are pretty much stuck with it. Most of us here have decided to like it since we can't get rid of it. I know that I am much happier now that I've embraced it, and really admitted to myself that this is what I am. I don't consider it any worse to be addicted to this than to watching football, for instance, and it's certainly less dangerous than smoking, drinking, and bungee jumping. So I just consider it my entertainment, not much different than going to movies, watching TV, or whatever.
So the simple facts are, I like it, it makes me happy, I can't think of any reason why I shouldn't do it, and I can't think of any reason why I need to comply with everyone else's opinion on the subject. There is not anyone who considers my opinion about how they should live their lives, so I don't feel obligated to consider their opinion about my life.
As far as being male, being masculine, and being a man, this is a complicated topic. It just happens that there is a lively discussion underway about that right now. You might find that interesting reading.
So, welcome to this site. Feel free to ask anything and share your feelings, that's why we are here.

[Carol Ann]

Hi Anne,
Look sweetheart why fight a problem as there is none. Look no one is more faith bound then I am so I don't have that problem.
Look hon they are ONLY cloths which I wear everyday and don't feel God will hold it agains me. Now would you rather go nude or put cloths on?, now who saids what they have to look like.

Stop beating yourself up over nothing and give thanks before going to sleep for your blessing as CD is one of them.

[DonnaT]

I hope that your post wasn't a hit and run, and you're still here reading responses.

Sorry to hear about your wife's situation. One of those mysteries of the wonderous brain with little knowledge of why.

Being trans is another.

I have been struggling with crossdressing since I was about 3 years old when my sister and I were playing in the back of my grandmother's house one day and she placed a yellow dress on me. . . I believe I this is a sexual fetish and it therefore amongst the most powerful of addictions and short of something drastic like electric shock therapy (which I would never undergo) I will never overcome this.

So, you believe you began having sexual fetishes at 3 years old? Doesn't sound plausible to me. Sounds more like you felt that wearing the dress was right for you, at the time.

I see it as an addiction and made the decision not to purge and thought of this as the bottle of Rum in the shadow box, figuring that in time desire would decrease the clothing would fall out of fashon, become old and musty hanging in the back of the closet. I have returned to the closet.

It could be an addiction. There's no way to prove it isn't. There's no way to prove it is either, however. If it's an addiction, I wonder what it was that made us addicted so fast? After the first time wearing a particular item of clothing?

Drugs take longer than that to get addicted to. However, some people are genetically predisposed to become addicted, like many alcoholics are. If you look at it like that, then surely one must assume there is a genetic predisposition to becoming addicted to crossdressing. And like many a genetically predisposed alcoholic, it will be with us forever.

Will the desire wain? Maybe, for some, not so much for others. But it will always be there at some level.

An alcoholic must struggle with it because it can be so detrimental to their physical health. I don't see a similar health issue arising from putting on a dress.

I have always been a Christian and this adds to my desire to stop. I was born male, I have a male brain and my thought process is male. I can never be female, even if my body were to undergo gender reassignment it would not change that fact, but obviously such reassignment would be wrong for me though like many many of us we fantasize about it. The Holy Spirit can wall it off and decrease desire in time but I will go to my death struggling with this. My belief holds that denial of God's will in my creation as a male is sin for me because this is not his will for my life. The argument is God made me like this? God created ambiguous genetalia, and hard wired this into our transgendered brains washed in the womb with female hormones - perhaps. Genetic? perhaps. All speculation though some would argue scientific methods suggest support for all of this being hardwired thus allowing them to argue that if God made us this way we should accept it - perhaps.

Yes, perhaps. Isn't that what faith is all about. Having the faith that that little bit of "perhaps" is in fact an actuality?

When God made man and woman, he made them naked. Because of sin, they clothed themselves. God didn't choose what clothes they wore. Heck, apparently they only had fig leaves. Thus man and woman wore the same thing.

This, wearing of clothing, evolved over time. This evolution was of man's choosing. Why would God care, he preferred us naked after all?!

And as Ralitsa noted, Christ, the basis for Christianity, never once taught that crossdressing was a sin. Why would it be, it does no harm to our fellow man?!

God made us in his image, man and woman. For some, we are both.

Read about the Intersexed. Scientific proof. Did God make a mistake? No, He doesn't make mistakes.

If the physical body can be Intersexed, why can't the brain?

[Anthony Simon]

I've taken the liberty of going back through some of Anne Bonny's [AB's] old posts. Here's one from the end of 2009:

I am who I am or to thine own self be true. No affectations dressed or not. I love to wear dresses but I remain who I am. Nothing fake. If I am feeling more feminine and can I will dress and do housework or pay bills or watch TV. If I am working outside, though I might like more feminine work clothing I will underdress but my outer clothing is male. I keep up appearances for the neighbors and my family. Some day when the kids are off at school I may dress more openly around the house. I have traveled in the car in female clothing. Perhaps someday I may venture out. The angst is self imposed I do hope someday to end it and be more open. I struggle with all of this moment to moment every day.

You know this sounds rather different to the AB of today, albeit the theme of struggle remains. So something has changed. Is it that your wife has been diagnosed and you're blaming yourself for it? So it must be the "sinful" crossdressing, in your mind. But how do you know? Isn't it rather presumptious to believe that one knows how God works in the world? But then I'm an atheist.

I do feel, though, that AB [Anne Bonny] is a name you pick because you don't care much for that side of yourself. Like any old name would do.

[Joan]

Hi Anne Bonny

You are being much too hard on yourself. Surely what one wears cannot be a sin it is only cloth worn in different styles. Style of clothes maybe cultural, the Scots were kilts! In ancient times dress was androgenous, simply a skin or fur would be tied around wround the waist. If more was worn then that would have been weather or temperature related.

Women have no guilt on their choice of clothes, which are sometimes very masculine or even macho. I have seen a female colleague turn up in pants, a shirt and tie!

Your wife may have been predisposed to her illness, for which I am very sorry. But this is not associated at all with what you wear.

Joan

[Paula G]

Hi Anne,

I am sorry to hear of your wife’s condition, you do have my sympathy and my prayers. Like you I am a Christian and have struggled with this aspect of my identity. I know there is that one verse in Deuteronomy, but it seems to me that that whole section is dealing with the separation of the Jewish state from the surrounding cultures, and this is the only verse in either testament condemning our activities. If we take this verse in context and understand that the practise being condemned was part of religious worship of other gods then we may begin to feel a little more comfortable. I think it is important to be able to separate what is taught by the Bible, and what is taught by churches.

We should also look at our own experience, does God still talk to me? does the Holy Spirit still come? well yes. The only times when I feel that my cross dressing comes between me and God is when it becomes excessive, when I put my dressing before my relationship with my God. Now this is nothing special about cross dressing, exactly the same applies to any activity that we may place as more important than God, when we do not put Him at the head of all our considerations then we will become estranged from Him.
I have adopted a pretty basic set of principles on this
1. God made me
2. He knows all about me
3. He loves me, even though He knows all about me
4. If I deny the truth of who I am, I am denying God’s creation for I am the pinnacle of creation, made in His image, and He has not cut me off from His love because of how I dress.

I do not believe that God allows others to be punished for our sins, so theologically would I say you should rest easy about the causes for your wife’s condition, medically I am no doctor, and have insufficient knowledge to warrant an opinion, but it seems unlikely to me that your activities could be to blame for your wife’s condition. I can understand your need to seek a reason, to have something or someone to blame, to take that blame upon yourself, but you know that there is not always a reason, sometimes “stuff” happens.

Be assured you are not alone, you are cared for and considered, your “Virtual” friends are keeping you in their minds and prayers.
I fear I may have started rambling so, my appolgies, if I can be of any help please feel free to PM

[Theresa_W]

I couldn't have said it better myself, Paula.

Very well put.

All my best to you and your wife, Anne. My thoughs and prayers are with you.

[Davita]

Ditto everyone's responses. Now let me add my 1/2 cent...

I do not believe in organized religion as it it a man made thing with man made rules. People say they speak for God, Jesus etc because they say their religion says they can. Humm man's rules saying they can speak for God; am I the only one with a problem with that? Let me cut to the chase - You have to believe in your god your way. As one of my friends says, she has faith not religion. You need to trust in your early learnings of love and forgiveness. Presumably all christian religions and all other religions with God have these teaching. They set up your faith while you are young and learning about the religion.

Let me offer you one of my web pages that has links to churches and other religious organizations quite happy to accept us. See http://davita-farley.webs.com/reference/refs2_p2.html

[Paula G]

You need to trust in your early learnings of love and forgiveness. Presumably all christian religions and all other religions with God have these teaching.

Unfortunately not so, my understanding is that Christianity is pretty much unique in the concept of grace. Even more unfortunately many churches claiming to be Christian are more interested in teaching their own thoughts, what they think God ought to be saying, than what he has actually said to us as passed down in the Bible.

My comments were very much on the basis of one professing Christian to another, and primarily to back up my argument that regardless of how we feel and whatever scientific speculation might suggest, if God can accept us as we are then surely so should we, but to understand that God does accept us as He made us we need to be in relationship with the Father, and open to the Holy Spirit, not listening to our own guilt and other prejudices

[Absaroka]

Ann I can see how your wifes mental problems would cause you great anguish. And I think you are right at this time of your lives to perhaps put her needs first. That would certainly be the Christian thing to do.

I have several other thoughts however.

They don't know what causes Alzheimers but it seems to be biological. It's quite unlikely that your crossdressing, or anything else you did, brought this about. It would probably have happened no matter what. The key is how you treat her at this time.

I'm a Christian, also a recovering drug addict. Although just about anything can become emotionally addicting for someone, crossdressing doesn't feel anything like active addiction did. One of the defining characteristics of addiction is that it is an enemy of life. This is why breathing for example is not an addiction.

There is that one very short passage in the Bible about wearing clothes of the other sex, in the old Testament, that are among the laws pertaining to Jews. Along with the laws about how much you can sell your daughter for, and how the penalty for raping a virgin is that you must marry her, and so on. I'm sure you know all that by heart, and have a ready arguement about why crossdressing is still sinful, but that arguement will not be found in the new Testament.

However let's assume for the moment that crossdressing is sinful. Is it as sinful as murder? Jesus says that the man who feels anger is as guilty as a murderer. Is it as sinful as cheating on your wife? He said that looking at someone with lust is tantamount to adultery. Is it as sinful as forcing a child to starve to death? Well we all have given less than we could to fight world hunger, and Jesus said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven. I'd say that in this world anyone with enough to eat is rich. Is it less sinful than trusting in nuclear weapons to keep peace, threatening to incinerate millions of innocents. Sure doesn't sound like turning the other cheek........My point here is that even if you never crossdressed again, or even had the sinful thought of crossdressing again, you would daily, probably hourly, commit a sin and be in need of forgiveness. Which of course is the whole reason Jesus came here.

There is a bunch of things in the Bible that as a Christian I can not bring myself to do, and have no intention of trying to do. Doing my (completlely ineffective) best to turn our country away from the un Christian way of wars of self defense is one. After all how many unborn were aborted when Hiroshima was nuked? When Tokyo and Dresden were firebombed? Was that abortion less sinful than a woman who was raped denying the unborn it's uninvited access to her womb?

So I continue to sin in many ways daily, and see no hope in sight that I will end all of my sinful thoughts and actions. Which is why I am really thankful that Jesus has redeemed us.

Read about what Jesus will say when He returns. Stuff about feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, and not a word about what anyone was wearing. I suspect His comment on crossdressing would be along the lines of I was naked and you gave me your dress to wear.

Personally a sexual fetish appearing at age 3 seems entirely reasonable to me. God seems to have endowed us with sexual feelings from birth, just as He gave us the desire for food and water and warmth.

I hope this helps. I hope I did not offend anyone here by speaking as if crossdressing is a sin, I did that because you seem to think it is. Also didn't mean to offend anyone here in the service by speaking of war as sinful. And I hope God will care for you and your wife and support you in your time of need. He didn't allow himself to be put on that cross so that you could continue to suffer, He did it to free you.

[Ralitsa]

Not to digress onto a discussion of religion, I will say that I agree with Paula that many churches are teaching what they think God should have said, instead of what He really does say. But not all. As I mentioned above, I had this discussion with a catholic priest once (an older, very conservative, yet wise and sensible guy), and he pretty much said it was little more significant than a fashion choice. Now keep in mind that the catholic church considers contraception to be incorrect (perhaps a sin), so he is of the opinion that crossdressing is less significant than using a condom. Of course one priest doesn't speak for the church, but I've never found any indication anywhere that the catholic church "officially" bans crossdressing. I'm not doing some advertising for the catholic church here, only pointing out that there is not a consensus among christians (even very conservative ones) that crossdressing is a sin in the way that there is a consensus about abortion, for example. OK, so I did digress.
So I very much agree with everyone that many people like to claim that they are speaking for God, to condemn us (and others who don't fit their narrow definitions), but God didn't appoint them. I say that the very instant they open their mouth to say "God wants you to..." they themselves are in violation of God's will and invalidate themselves.

But here's a question about "the struggle with crossdressing." I also struggled with crossdressing for some years, concerned about how my family would take it. Then, for some various reasons, a couple years ago I stopped struggling and decided to accept, embrace, and even make it an important part of my life. So did I give in? Did I lose the struggle, and quit? Was my strength of will insufficient for the challenge? I like to believe that I came to my senses and stopped fighting a pointless battle, but is that what really happened? I tell myself that this is my true nature and personality, and to deny it is like denying that fish swim. But am I no better than a fish, that I cannot rise above my nature and make myself a better person? And would I even be a better person if I dressed like everyone else, or am I better now that I don't blindly follow everyone else?
All these questions are just too hard to answer, so I think I'll just go get my nails done instead of thinking about it.

[Gillian]

First off, I agree with you Paula. Absaroka, you have some good points also. I think that the biggest problem with religion is "PEOPLE". There is a movie called "The book of Eli", and it has some interesting things to say. A little violent, but the message is important. Eli has this book that him inner strength/power to live. This other guy is trying to get this same book, because it would give him strength/power to control. The book is a bible in a post war/disaster world.
Do you want to control, or do you want peace and strength? I guess the question is do you want inner or outer control in life?
In 30 years of being a devote bible reading Christian I have learned and seen alot. Someone once said to me that God is more interested in my character, than my comfort. I have found that character and attitude is everything in God's eyes. Jesus gave us 2 commandments and He said that all of the rest hinged on those 2. The key word is "LOVE" in both commandments. If we as people need to develop character, it is because we need those character traits to fulfill these laws to love Him and one another. Like Eli, I need the book and God to give me the grace (unmerited empowerment(that is what it means)) to develop the necessary character to be the individual that I must be to make this world a better place. Unfortunately, there will always be people that will misuse anything and/or everything at hand to get what "they want".
If I have ranted, please forgive me, I do and at the same time don't apologize for jumping into a religious debate. In 30 years of following God, my character has changed very much, but not my taste in clothing. I ask in prayer daily for the help to become who I am meant to be. I will let you know if my clothing tastes change. I am open to anyones private message to continue any dialogue. It is not my intent to offend anyone, though I can see it happening in these like of issues.