Hello all-
First, let me apologize for not participating on this board. I guess it is a reflection of my life which is why I am now reaching out. I am familiar with a lot of you gals, so your input is valuable to me.
I have been in a funk for a while now. A little background-I have been this way as far back as I can remember-at least age 4- my wife has known of Kristi since '96 after 17 years of marriage and 3 great kids-. She finally met Kristi Jan 1, 2004. It was an awesome event, but I digress. I am very fortunate to have an accepting spouse. I never would have believed she would be able to deal with this, but she has. This post is not about my spouse though-it's about me. Ever since I realized I was 'this way', I have felt it to be such a strange thing (insert-weird), that I have pushed people away from me my whole life. I felt if they ever found out, I would lose them as a friend anyway, so I figured if I didn't get too close, it wouldn't hurt as bad when they disowned me for this.
I have had many friends in the past, but none than were more than just superficial. They have wanted to be more than that, but i just couldn't. They would want to go out and do things like golf, etc., but I would never call them to do the same thing. The reason? If I have an opprtunity to golf, I might have an opportunity to dress, and there is no choice as to what I would prefer. The dressing has so consumed me that it has taken priority over everything in my life (with the exception of my family). It is because of this that I have pretty much determined I am more than a CD. One tough pill to swallow especially from a one time jock who was the envy of many. Little did they (or do they)know the pain I was (am) in.
I have found that my now closest friends are in the trans community. I was talking to another t-gal about this and she too felt the same way. Do any of you others feel this way? What a way to go through life. I guess I could tell the friends I have and see what the reaction would be, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it nor is my wife.
Thus my dilemma. I know I am a good person, but just feel aweful that I am pushing people who care about me away from me. I feel angry that my life is like this and that somehow I got screwed- and yet I wouldn't change being who I am for anything because that's who I am (if that makes sense).
I really just want to be. Be accepted- be loved- be happy- be at peace. Have any of you reached that place, and if so, how did you do it? Thanks for listening...
Anyone else feel this way?
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Nicole Pearce
- Miss Silver Goddess
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Beauty
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
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Hi Kristi.
About all that I can do here is to give you some of my thoughts, that I had from reading your post.
I believe the reason you state that: If I have an opportunity to golf, I might have an opportunity to dress, and there is no choice as to what I would prefer" indicates that you are not getting your needs antiquely met.
I dress all the time except for a couple of times a week when I do things out side of my home, and find there are days when I stay in my night gown and panties all day. Nothing special. Every few days I dress up completely, and really enjoy it. It is like a treat that way for me. I guess what I am saying by this is that I dress enough that I can sort of dress down, and still enjoy it all of the time.
There is nothing wrong with your closest friends being in the trans community, I think that it is quite normal and healthy. I found that I don't need to many close friends, one or two is quite enough.
"I have felt it to be such a strange thing (insert-weird)" There are many posts in this forum that talk about that, and I am sure that others here will add to this, but what is really weird is not being able to accept who you are, and learn to live within your limitations. Until you are able do that peace about this issue in your life will continue to be absent.
My two cents worth.
About all that I can do here is to give you some of my thoughts, that I had from reading your post.
I believe the reason you state that: If I have an opportunity to golf, I might have an opportunity to dress, and there is no choice as to what I would prefer" indicates that you are not getting your needs antiquely met.
I dress all the time except for a couple of times a week when I do things out side of my home, and find there are days when I stay in my night gown and panties all day. Nothing special. Every few days I dress up completely, and really enjoy it. It is like a treat that way for me. I guess what I am saying by this is that I dress enough that I can sort of dress down, and still enjoy it all of the time.
There is nothing wrong with your closest friends being in the trans community, I think that it is quite normal and healthy. I found that I don't need to many close friends, one or two is quite enough.
"I have felt it to be such a strange thing (insert-weird)" There are many posts in this forum that talk about that, and I am sure that others here will add to this, but what is really weird is not being able to accept who you are, and learn to live within your limitations. Until you are able do that peace about this issue in your life will continue to be absent.
My two cents worth.
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Kristi--
That's a powerful post. There's a lot going on in there.
I had to tell my friends about my CDing about a year after it first came up. I was already seeing that it had become so important to me that I was shutting down most of myself to avoid talking about it. I don't know whether my friends noticed or not, but I knew how bad it was getting.
It was very painful to me, and I realized that I had to take some action about it. In my case, it meant coming out.
I do not say this lightly! There is a big risk in this, as we all know. But we also know that when pain gets intolerable, we have to do something about it. Only you know your tolerance level, and what will help ease the stress. Maybe telling one trusted friend can help.
I also recognize that I'm more than a CD, as you say. By that, I mean that I have a strong female identity, and that doesn't necessarily go with CDing. But for me, it's front and center, even though I have no immediate plans to transition.
It's not that I have to talk about "her" all the time. It's knowing that I can when needed that makes the difference. Sometimes my friends don't want to hear about her, and I have to speak about her anyway. That's something friends have to deal with, and they do.
You talk about all things being equal, you'd rather spend your time CDing, and it's making you angry. Yet you also see that you're not going to change who you are, either.
It's a tough place to be in, Kristi. I know I didn't like it when I went through what I felt was a compulsive period where I was dressing whether it was convenient or not. I felt driven, and I resented the hell out of it. This period passed for me when I started to go out in public. The point is not that I went out, but more that I found times to dress that filled the need to be female AND helped my "real" life. Your solution might take a different form, but I think it's safe to say that you need more female time that you can count on.
Hopefull you can do this in a way that works for both you and your wife. It's good you have other t-girls in your life. That's important.
If it's only since January that your wife knows, then both of you are still adjusting. I think peace can come more when both of you see CDing as just part of your lives and routines, and not some outside force that's suddenly been dropped in.
My heart goes out to you on this one, K!
Anita
That's a powerful post. There's a lot going on in there.
I had to tell my friends about my CDing about a year after it first came up. I was already seeing that it had become so important to me that I was shutting down most of myself to avoid talking about it. I don't know whether my friends noticed or not, but I knew how bad it was getting.
It was very painful to me, and I realized that I had to take some action about it. In my case, it meant coming out.
I do not say this lightly! There is a big risk in this, as we all know. But we also know that when pain gets intolerable, we have to do something about it. Only you know your tolerance level, and what will help ease the stress. Maybe telling one trusted friend can help.
I also recognize that I'm more than a CD, as you say. By that, I mean that I have a strong female identity, and that doesn't necessarily go with CDing. But for me, it's front and center, even though I have no immediate plans to transition.
It's not that I have to talk about "her" all the time. It's knowing that I can when needed that makes the difference. Sometimes my friends don't want to hear about her, and I have to speak about her anyway. That's something friends have to deal with, and they do.
You talk about all things being equal, you'd rather spend your time CDing, and it's making you angry. Yet you also see that you're not going to change who you are, either.
It's a tough place to be in, Kristi. I know I didn't like it when I went through what I felt was a compulsive period where I was dressing whether it was convenient or not. I felt driven, and I resented the hell out of it. This period passed for me when I started to go out in public. The point is not that I went out, but more that I found times to dress that filled the need to be female AND helped my "real" life. Your solution might take a different form, but I think it's safe to say that you need more female time that you can count on.
Hopefull you can do this in a way that works for both you and your wife. It's good you have other t-girls in your life. That's important.
If it's only since January that your wife knows, then both of you are still adjusting. I think peace can come more when both of you see CDing as just part of your lives and routines, and not some outside force that's suddenly been dropped in.
My heart goes out to you on this one, K!
Anita
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Vivian Best
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:28 am
- Location: Missouri
"Like This"
Hi Kristi,
I'm sure that if you have read this forum for part of a year you have realized that you are not alone, there are many of us that are "Like This" which includes me.
Like you, I realized very early in life that I was different. I wondered what had happened to me that made me "Like This". Why was I different, why did I like to slip in to my mother's clothes every chance I got. I felt I was cursed, I felt I was the only boy that was that way. I felt guilty after I had worn her clothes, I was ashamed of myself! I would swear I would never do it again, I was going to be "normal"!!
There was no one I felt comfortable to talk to about who I was. I was to shy and bashful to admit what I liked to do. I was not a particularly agressive individual that would seek out answers to difficult questions, like why am I like this.
I think I older than you, I have grandkids that are probably your children's ages. I was asking myself my questions in the late 1940s and 1950s. There were no books, no Internet, no doctors that understood. I was frieghtened, alone, with absolutely no information and no way to get it or find it. So I lived in the never never land of hating myself for being "Like This" and wanting so much to be the way I preceived other boys to be.
I married in the late 1950s to a wonderful woman and I couldn't tell her. I was to humilitated to even consider telling her. So I kept it a secret from her for almost 45 years, but that is a different story. I actually quit dressing a few years but then went back to dressing but in my own things. After that I have probably quit dressing a thousand or more times and then go back. I went back and forth back and forth, hating myself and wondering, why?
I too didn't allow people to get real close to me and still don't. I think that is just me and has nothing to do with me otherwise. I have several friends that share other like interests with both myself and my wife and I enjoy them but they do not know anything of my "Like This" side, nor do I intend for them to ever know.
Finally, reaching a point in my life I said something has to change I cannot live like this any longer. Either I'm going to accept myself as I am or I going to quit dressing for good! Essentially, I gave myself an ultimatum and some time to think about it.
That was twenty some years ago, I think you can guess what my decision was by the fact I'm on this forum. I accept myself the way God made me. I don't know why or how I was made the way I am but I accept myself the way I am. I think most of us gets to a point in our lives that decisions have to made. They are not easy! Nor are they simple!
My hope to you Kristi is that what ever is troubling you that you are able to come to a point of acceptance of the way it is. I don't want my friends to know that I'm "Like This", however, if they find out and they can't accept me the way I am then I don't want them as friends.
To me you have the greatest thing going in your great wife that accepts you "Like This". To me that is the greatest hurdle we face in life. Also, the girls here are also the greatest. I don't speak for anyone other that myself but personally I wish you nothing but the best as you struggle through you situation.
Hugs, Vivian
I'm sure that if you have read this forum for part of a year you have realized that you are not alone, there are many of us that are "Like This" which includes me.
Like you, I realized very early in life that I was different. I wondered what had happened to me that made me "Like This". Why was I different, why did I like to slip in to my mother's clothes every chance I got. I felt I was cursed, I felt I was the only boy that was that way. I felt guilty after I had worn her clothes, I was ashamed of myself! I would swear I would never do it again, I was going to be "normal"!!
There was no one I felt comfortable to talk to about who I was. I was to shy and bashful to admit what I liked to do. I was not a particularly agressive individual that would seek out answers to difficult questions, like why am I like this.
I think I older than you, I have grandkids that are probably your children's ages. I was asking myself my questions in the late 1940s and 1950s. There were no books, no Internet, no doctors that understood. I was frieghtened, alone, with absolutely no information and no way to get it or find it. So I lived in the never never land of hating myself for being "Like This" and wanting so much to be the way I preceived other boys to be.
I married in the late 1950s to a wonderful woman and I couldn't tell her. I was to humilitated to even consider telling her. So I kept it a secret from her for almost 45 years, but that is a different story. I actually quit dressing a few years but then went back to dressing but in my own things. After that I have probably quit dressing a thousand or more times and then go back. I went back and forth back and forth, hating myself and wondering, why?
I too didn't allow people to get real close to me and still don't. I think that is just me and has nothing to do with me otherwise. I have several friends that share other like interests with both myself and my wife and I enjoy them but they do not know anything of my "Like This" side, nor do I intend for them to ever know.
Finally, reaching a point in my life I said something has to change I cannot live like this any longer. Either I'm going to accept myself as I am or I going to quit dressing for good! Essentially, I gave myself an ultimatum and some time to think about it.
That was twenty some years ago, I think you can guess what my decision was by the fact I'm on this forum. I accept myself the way God made me. I don't know why or how I was made the way I am but I accept myself the way I am. I think most of us gets to a point in our lives that decisions have to made. They are not easy! Nor are they simple!
My hope to you Kristi is that what ever is troubling you that you are able to come to a point of acceptance of the way it is. I don't want my friends to know that I'm "Like This", however, if they find out and they can't accept me the way I am then I don't want them as friends.
To me you have the greatest thing going in your great wife that accepts you "Like This". To me that is the greatest hurdle we face in life. Also, the girls here are also the greatest. I don't speak for anyone other that myself but personally I wish you nothing but the best as you struggle through you situation.
Hugs, Vivian
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Kristi,
Yes, when you start demolishing the walls you've built around your self your entire life, people will be able to look in. It's a scary thing. And that's, precisely, the fear we have to deal with.
I also tend to keep people at bay--even people I know wouldn't have a problem with this. This tendency has been with me since childhood and is as much a reason for my unhappiness and loneliness growing up as is my crossdressing itself (obviously, the two are intertwined).
Like Beauty, I haven't reached that stage yet where I'm completely at peace with myself, even though I may be at peace in other areas of my life. I'm trying, though. I'm walking that road. T-friends, such as are found either in real life or online, help in this regard.
Best wishes to you in you own journey, Kristi.
Love,
CJ
Kristi,
Yes, when you start demolishing the walls you've built around your self your entire life, people will be able to look in. It's a scary thing. And that's, precisely, the fear we have to deal with.
I also tend to keep people at bay--even people I know wouldn't have a problem with this. This tendency has been with me since childhood and is as much a reason for my unhappiness and loneliness growing up as is my crossdressing itself (obviously, the two are intertwined).
Like Beauty, I haven't reached that stage yet where I'm completely at peace with myself, even though I may be at peace in other areas of my life. I'm trying, though. I'm walking that road. T-friends, such as are found either in real life or online, help in this regard.
Best wishes to you in you own journey, Kristi.
Love,
CJ
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Hi Kristi,
I can only say that if you have not read the website:http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
It is entitled "Jung's Anima Theory and How it Relates to Crossdressing."
This is a gift that we have and it gives us many options, to savor it, cherish it and nuture it or we can try and ignore it and/or repress it but it is there and it will not go away. You can repress it all the way to the grave, but that still does not mean that it did not exist within you. If you chose to let it out, study it, try and undertand it and how it can benefit your life and it really can. If you chose to repress it, I think that you will find it will constantly be there hiding, peeking around the corner. It will be that glimmer that like a ghost appears in the mirror then disappears leaving you asking yourself - "what the hell was that?"
If your interest remains, this forum is a wonderful place to help you deal with it and your sisters here would love to help.
God Bless.
Deborah
PS: CJ if you see this you may want to reword your last sentence, I for one consider myself a "real" person and your real sister/friend.
Love,
Deborah
I can only say that if you have not read the website:http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
It is entitled "Jung's Anima Theory and How it Relates to Crossdressing."
This is a gift that we have and it gives us many options, to savor it, cherish it and nuture it or we can try and ignore it and/or repress it but it is there and it will not go away. You can repress it all the way to the grave, but that still does not mean that it did not exist within you. If you chose to let it out, study it, try and undertand it and how it can benefit your life and it really can. If you chose to repress it, I think that you will find it will constantly be there hiding, peeking around the corner. It will be that glimmer that like a ghost appears in the mirror then disappears leaving you asking yourself - "what the hell was that?"
If your interest remains, this forum is a wonderful place to help you deal with it and your sisters here would love to help.
God Bless.
Deborah
PS: CJ if you see this you may want to reword your last sentence, I for one consider myself a "real" person and your real sister/friend.
Love,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Deborah,
I agree. I use the expression "real life" interchangeably with "offline." I 'm just not sure my real life friends would be any happier being considered "offline" than my online friends would be in not being considered "real life" friends. Oh well. Thanks for pointing that out, Deb. I do consider you all just as much my friends as I do the people away from this screen and this keyboard.
Love,
CJ
I agree. I use the expression "real life" interchangeably with "offline." I 'm just not sure my real life friends would be any happier being considered "offline" than my online friends would be in not being considered "real life" friends. Oh well. Thanks for pointing that out, Deb. I do consider you all just as much my friends as I do the people away from this screen and this keyboard.
Love,
CJ
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Alexandra
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1149
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 8:27 pm
- Location: In Monolith We Trust
I like the questions/answers I'm seeing here . . . it makes the value of forums like this "priceless" . . .
I'm not exactly the "typical" transgendered person here so I seldom offer advice . . . however, I'm at the point where if a "friend" cannot accept who I am, I will just toss them overboard and not look back. I feel no guilt because I'm pretty accepting of other people's "uniqueness" and if its not repicotal, well, life is just too short! Just my $.02 cents.
I'm not exactly the "typical" transgendered person here so I seldom offer advice . . . however, I'm at the point where if a "friend" cannot accept who I am, I will just toss them overboard and not look back. I feel no guilt because I'm pretty accepting of other people's "uniqueness" and if its not repicotal, well, life is just too short! Just my $.02 cents.
Alexandra
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi,Alexandra wrote:I like the questions/answers I'm seeing here . . . it makes the value of forums like this "priceless" . . .
I'm not exactly the "typical" transgendered person here so I seldom offer advice . . . however, I'm at the point where if a "friend" cannot accept who I am, I will just toss them overboard and not look back. I feel no guilt because I'm pretty accepting of other people's "uniqueness" and if its not repicotal, well, life is just too short! Just my $.02 cents.
Alexandra I agree with you about how priceless this forum is.
You're right too about not having friends who wouldn't or don't accept you for who you are "Gender Not Specific". I don't really have any "offline" friends (thank you CJ)
who I think wouldn't accept me. I have acquaintances, but not really anyone I could call a true friend who wouldn't accept both parts of me.Beauty
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RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
Dear Kristi,
A few years ago, I was in a very similar situation to what you describe. I won't say that the solution I chose is right for you, but I do think that the method I used to choose that solution and to make it a reality is very useful to any person considering major changes in their lifestyle.
So here's a rough idea of the method I used...
1. I realized that being transgendered is not a choice. It's a given. I am transgendered. I could continue fighting it the rest of my life, but that would be pointless. I had already, by the age of 45, wasted some years of my life in worry, purging, guilt, shame, and fear. Would it help me to waste more, to grind myself up? No.
2. I realized there were some positive aspects of my life, some success areas, that I didn't want to sacrifice. Some of those aspects were obvious to me; others required some thought to identify. I could tell you what parts of my life they are, but for you, they are probably different. So listing my positive areas would only confuse others. Besides, if you read my posts on other subjects, they stand out loud and clear.
3. I considered carefully the whole question of sexual arousal from crossdressing/autogynephilia. Many people would disagree with this, but at least in my life, they are two sides to the same issue. For many in our community, this is not an issue. For others, this issue is a very real part of our lives, one that flavors not only our sexual desires, but our artistic flair, our sense of humor, even our philosophy of life. At its best it is a spark of creativity, an impetus to redefine the assumptions we are given in our culture. At its worst, it is a stairway down to an underworld of hopeless guilt, shame, and fear.
4. I took a critical look at the Harry Benjamin Standards. They do represent a path through the gender forest, but they give the false security of thinking they represent the only path through the forest. The last thing I would want to do is to confuse or anger the people for whom they do work, the thousands of happy, well-adjusted post-op transsexuals out there who are getting on with their lives. But I realized, the Standards will not work for everyone. There are other paths through the gender forest. I could define my own "Rikki Chunn Standards." You could define your own "Kristi J. standards" and so on. The need isn't to define standards of care, tests, and so on. It's to define your own values and goals, to define your own "transition."
5. When I had my own "transition" goals clearly in mind, I began to test them, to see if they would stand up to my own scrutiny. I gave this process a long time, and I'm very glad I did. Because, after some changes due to my own questions, what emerged was strong, true, and workable.
6. Throughout all the process, I included my wife in my thoughts, questions, and insights. We talked about it, every step of the way. This assumed that she was coming to a point of accepting, and ultimately deeply understanding this part of me. Is she a remarkable woman? Clearly! Including her has absolutely influenced the definition of my transition--if I were single, I might be doing some things quite differently. But including her in the process (and in defining the results) has assured that we stayed together, and even grew closer, through this. Perhaps not every woman could do this, and not every transgendered person would want to do this. But it's worked for us.
7. I considered my work as a part of this question. There are many areas of interaction, of course. Could my career survive my transition? Could my job survive it? Did the transgender issue have positive input into my career--the creative ideas I could bring to my field, for example.
8. I considered the question of friends, too. In my life, I have had, until the past 6-8 years, very few friends. I don't think I have consciously pushed them away. Rather, perceptive people have long noticed there was a large part of my life that I was keeping to myself. It was, of course, my transgenderedness. But just because someone is perceptive enough to realize there is more to me than I'm sharing, doesn't mean they are open-minded enough to handle sharing it! And, yes, I learned this the hard way. With my permission, my wife outed me to her sister. Serious damage followed, and only five years of incredibly patient love on my wife's part (and mine) toward her family have largely undone the damage. So choosing our close friends from among the transgendered community might be a very cool, and very wise defense. Be grateful for your self-preservation instinct!
9. One of the ways I began to know I was going in the right direction is that a new sense of confidence began to emerge. It's still emerging. As one of my close friends remarked the other day, I've grown a lot in the last four years.
A few years ago, I was in a very similar situation to what you describe. I won't say that the solution I chose is right for you, but I do think that the method I used to choose that solution and to make it a reality is very useful to any person considering major changes in their lifestyle.
So here's a rough idea of the method I used...
1. I realized that being transgendered is not a choice. It's a given. I am transgendered. I could continue fighting it the rest of my life, but that would be pointless. I had already, by the age of 45, wasted some years of my life in worry, purging, guilt, shame, and fear. Would it help me to waste more, to grind myself up? No.
2. I realized there were some positive aspects of my life, some success areas, that I didn't want to sacrifice. Some of those aspects were obvious to me; others required some thought to identify. I could tell you what parts of my life they are, but for you, they are probably different. So listing my positive areas would only confuse others. Besides, if you read my posts on other subjects, they stand out loud and clear.
3. I considered carefully the whole question of sexual arousal from crossdressing/autogynephilia. Many people would disagree with this, but at least in my life, they are two sides to the same issue. For many in our community, this is not an issue. For others, this issue is a very real part of our lives, one that flavors not only our sexual desires, but our artistic flair, our sense of humor, even our philosophy of life. At its best it is a spark of creativity, an impetus to redefine the assumptions we are given in our culture. At its worst, it is a stairway down to an underworld of hopeless guilt, shame, and fear.
4. I took a critical look at the Harry Benjamin Standards. They do represent a path through the gender forest, but they give the false security of thinking they represent the only path through the forest. The last thing I would want to do is to confuse or anger the people for whom they do work, the thousands of happy, well-adjusted post-op transsexuals out there who are getting on with their lives. But I realized, the Standards will not work for everyone. There are other paths through the gender forest. I could define my own "Rikki Chunn Standards." You could define your own "Kristi J. standards" and so on. The need isn't to define standards of care, tests, and so on. It's to define your own values and goals, to define your own "transition."
5. When I had my own "transition" goals clearly in mind, I began to test them, to see if they would stand up to my own scrutiny. I gave this process a long time, and I'm very glad I did. Because, after some changes due to my own questions, what emerged was strong, true, and workable.
6. Throughout all the process, I included my wife in my thoughts, questions, and insights. We talked about it, every step of the way. This assumed that she was coming to a point of accepting, and ultimately deeply understanding this part of me. Is she a remarkable woman? Clearly! Including her has absolutely influenced the definition of my transition--if I were single, I might be doing some things quite differently. But including her in the process (and in defining the results) has assured that we stayed together, and even grew closer, through this. Perhaps not every woman could do this, and not every transgendered person would want to do this. But it's worked for us.
7. I considered my work as a part of this question. There are many areas of interaction, of course. Could my career survive my transition? Could my job survive it? Did the transgender issue have positive input into my career--the creative ideas I could bring to my field, for example.
8. I considered the question of friends, too. In my life, I have had, until the past 6-8 years, very few friends. I don't think I have consciously pushed them away. Rather, perceptive people have long noticed there was a large part of my life that I was keeping to myself. It was, of course, my transgenderedness. But just because someone is perceptive enough to realize there is more to me than I'm sharing, doesn't mean they are open-minded enough to handle sharing it! And, yes, I learned this the hard way. With my permission, my wife outed me to her sister. Serious damage followed, and only five years of incredibly patient love on my wife's part (and mine) toward her family have largely undone the damage. So choosing our close friends from among the transgendered community might be a very cool, and very wise defense. Be grateful for your self-preservation instinct!
9. One of the ways I began to know I was going in the right direction is that a new sense of confidence began to emerge. It's still emerging. As one of my close friends remarked the other day, I've grown a lot in the last four years.
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
anyone else feel this way.
Hello Kristi,
I can empathise with you in so much of what you say, in the past I experienced a lot of what is going on inside you currently. Firstly, regarding friends, we all have to realise that there will be people who we know who will never accept us for who we are and we can never change that. I believe in most cases where people are not 'out publicly' it's wise before telling anyone to look at the need to know. If there is no need for anyone to know about us, then what's the point of telling? You have told the person most important to you and she accepts it, so you have taken the biggest required step to creating the life you desire so much.
I think that if you can dismiss the attitude you have that you have been screwed with your life and lose the anger inside you, then you are well on the way to finding that peace. We haven't really been screwed, we were all born the way nature intended it to be. Nature doesn't always work to the same receipe and as you say, you wouldn't change who you are for anything and I agree with you, we are who we are and I've come to love who I am, we can't change anything and why should we, just be proud of who you are and learn to move forward, we can't do anything about yesterday but if we do a good enough job of today then tomorrow will take care of itself.
Nobody is perfect and everyone has to make the most of the attributes they have. Sometimes in our lives we have to call on all the courage and determination we can muster to attain the things in life we need, but we can move mountains with a positive self attitude and a loving mate beside us. I am similar to you in the fact I have a wife and 3 children and they are my greatest supporters, they bring sunshine into my life even on the cloudiest day, as long as they love and support me they are the only people who I feel need to know about me, although many others do know, it's incidental to me how they feel about it.
There are many people over time who have faced huge challenges in their life and mastered those challenges, then gone on to live happy successful, fruitful lives, through their will, courage, determination and their refusal to accept that life will beat them or that life owes them something.
Take heart from the life story of one of those people named Douglas Bader, who was an English pilot who lost both his legs in an acrobatic flying stunt in 1931. He was not expected to live after the amputations, but his courage and determination pulled him through. He went on to get artifical legs, and through his determination he won back his wings and went on to be an ace pilot and squadron leader in World War 2, even though many people tried to prevent him ever flying again. He openly said that if it wasn't for his wife sticking by his side he would never have pushed on so determinedly. He went on to be awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Distinguished Service Order. He was also shot down and captured by the Germans and spent most of the war in the Colditz castle prison because of his escape attempts. After the war he went on to live a successful life flying all round the world with his wife helping people.
The workload he set himself would have exhausted anyone, but his will and determination to refuse to believe he had a disability in being legless enabled him to achieve everything in life he desired. His story inspires people all round the world and it should be an inspiration to anyone who has doubts as to their ability to successfuly achieve their goals. You are a good intelligent person, just think if there is a need to tell your friends. What would it achieve? What is the risk reward basis if you tell them. Sometimes the situation calls for letting sleeping dogs lie and if your best friends are in the trans community, then so be it, at least we know they understand and accept us. I think if we are going to go public about ourselves we firstly have to consider the damage fall out to those closest to us who love us dearly. If you have read some of my previous articles here you will have seen that I am more than just a crossdresser, but I have set limits on myself because of my wife and 3 children. I have found peace in the fact that they are happy with who I am and the fact I have set limits to my journey. I believe happiness begins in the home and I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I am accepted and loved at home so that makes me the happiest person on earth. I think that if we can rid ourself of the thoughts that the world owes us something, then we are on the way to peace and happiness. We can't change how we are, it's nobodys fault, it's just how it is and we have to learn to accept this, being angry about it only makes our life unpleasant for us and those around us.
You said it all yourself when you said you wouldn't change who you are for anything because that's who you are and you hit the nail right on the head. Life can be as good or as bad as we want it to be, it's all in our own hands and you have sailed over the biggest hurdle in the fact your wife knows, accepts and supports you, it can all be plain sailing from here if you want it to be. Just remember Douglas Bader, no matter how grim things may appear, it's mostly just a state of mind, we can achieve anything we want to if the will is there.
I wish you well, just keep smiling, have a positive attitude and always seek your wife's opinion, she is the greatest asset you have, she's worth more than all your friends put together.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
I can empathise with you in so much of what you say, in the past I experienced a lot of what is going on inside you currently. Firstly, regarding friends, we all have to realise that there will be people who we know who will never accept us for who we are and we can never change that. I believe in most cases where people are not 'out publicly' it's wise before telling anyone to look at the need to know. If there is no need for anyone to know about us, then what's the point of telling? You have told the person most important to you and she accepts it, so you have taken the biggest required step to creating the life you desire so much.
I think that if you can dismiss the attitude you have that you have been screwed with your life and lose the anger inside you, then you are well on the way to finding that peace. We haven't really been screwed, we were all born the way nature intended it to be. Nature doesn't always work to the same receipe and as you say, you wouldn't change who you are for anything and I agree with you, we are who we are and I've come to love who I am, we can't change anything and why should we, just be proud of who you are and learn to move forward, we can't do anything about yesterday but if we do a good enough job of today then tomorrow will take care of itself.
Nobody is perfect and everyone has to make the most of the attributes they have. Sometimes in our lives we have to call on all the courage and determination we can muster to attain the things in life we need, but we can move mountains with a positive self attitude and a loving mate beside us. I am similar to you in the fact I have a wife and 3 children and they are my greatest supporters, they bring sunshine into my life even on the cloudiest day, as long as they love and support me they are the only people who I feel need to know about me, although many others do know, it's incidental to me how they feel about it.
There are many people over time who have faced huge challenges in their life and mastered those challenges, then gone on to live happy successful, fruitful lives, through their will, courage, determination and their refusal to accept that life will beat them or that life owes them something.
Take heart from the life story of one of those people named Douglas Bader, who was an English pilot who lost both his legs in an acrobatic flying stunt in 1931. He was not expected to live after the amputations, but his courage and determination pulled him through. He went on to get artifical legs, and through his determination he won back his wings and went on to be an ace pilot and squadron leader in World War 2, even though many people tried to prevent him ever flying again. He openly said that if it wasn't for his wife sticking by his side he would never have pushed on so determinedly. He went on to be awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Distinguished Service Order. He was also shot down and captured by the Germans and spent most of the war in the Colditz castle prison because of his escape attempts. After the war he went on to live a successful life flying all round the world with his wife helping people.
The workload he set himself would have exhausted anyone, but his will and determination to refuse to believe he had a disability in being legless enabled him to achieve everything in life he desired. His story inspires people all round the world and it should be an inspiration to anyone who has doubts as to their ability to successfuly achieve their goals. You are a good intelligent person, just think if there is a need to tell your friends. What would it achieve? What is the risk reward basis if you tell them. Sometimes the situation calls for letting sleeping dogs lie and if your best friends are in the trans community, then so be it, at least we know they understand and accept us. I think if we are going to go public about ourselves we firstly have to consider the damage fall out to those closest to us who love us dearly. If you have read some of my previous articles here you will have seen that I am more than just a crossdresser, but I have set limits on myself because of my wife and 3 children. I have found peace in the fact that they are happy with who I am and the fact I have set limits to my journey. I believe happiness begins in the home and I wouldn't trade what I have for all the money in the world. I am accepted and loved at home so that makes me the happiest person on earth. I think that if we can rid ourself of the thoughts that the world owes us something, then we are on the way to peace and happiness. We can't change how we are, it's nobodys fault, it's just how it is and we have to learn to accept this, being angry about it only makes our life unpleasant for us and those around us.
You said it all yourself when you said you wouldn't change who you are for anything because that's who you are and you hit the nail right on the head. Life can be as good or as bad as we want it to be, it's all in our own hands and you have sailed over the biggest hurdle in the fact your wife knows, accepts and supports you, it can all be plain sailing from here if you want it to be. Just remember Douglas Bader, no matter how grim things may appear, it's mostly just a state of mind, we can achieve anything we want to if the will is there.
I wish you well, just keep smiling, have a positive attitude and always seek your wife's opinion, she is the greatest asset you have, she's worth more than all your friends put together.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Hi Kristi,
I know exactly what you mean. In the past I too have put up a wall but for reasons unrelated to CDing. About 10 years ago, quite the opposite was happening - people were putting up walls keeping ME out. My so-called "friends" were very shallow, and my family was very emotionally distant from me. I was not able to engage in a deep conversation with anyone.
With the breakup between my ex-fiancee and I about 5 years ago, I decided that I had had enough. I was tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve with people, only to br repeatedly pushed away. So as a result I put up a wall of my own. I was very aloof and standoffish at family gatherings. I stopped returning my friends' phone calls.
Then when Lorna first came out to the public I decided then and there that I would only let in those who were willing to fully accept Lorna. All others could stay out. Ironically, the very same people whgo were putting up walls were suddenly very interested in getting emotionally closer to me, even after the fact that I had told them of Lorna. Unreal!
But at that point I was too interested in activities that I could engage in while dressed while the activities that others wanted me to partake in would not allow for that, such as going fishing or going to a ballgame.
Kristi, you are indeed a wonderful and beautiful person. As long as family and friends are willing to accept Kristi, then that's all that matters. You have the power to decide whom you choose to let in and whom you choose not to. You have every right to be accepted for exactly who you are. And those who cannot accept Kristi will just have to deal the fact that Kristi is a part of who you are.
I know exactly what you mean. In the past I too have put up a wall but for reasons unrelated to CDing. About 10 years ago, quite the opposite was happening - people were putting up walls keeping ME out. My so-called "friends" were very shallow, and my family was very emotionally distant from me. I was not able to engage in a deep conversation with anyone.
With the breakup between my ex-fiancee and I about 5 years ago, I decided that I had had enough. I was tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve with people, only to br repeatedly pushed away. So as a result I put up a wall of my own. I was very aloof and standoffish at family gatherings. I stopped returning my friends' phone calls.
Then when Lorna first came out to the public I decided then and there that I would only let in those who were willing to fully accept Lorna. All others could stay out. Ironically, the very same people whgo were putting up walls were suddenly very interested in getting emotionally closer to me, even after the fact that I had told them of Lorna. Unreal!
But at that point I was too interested in activities that I could engage in while dressed while the activities that others wanted me to partake in would not allow for that, such as going fishing or going to a ballgame.
Kristi, you are indeed a wonderful and beautiful person.
As long as family and friends are willing to accept Kristi, then that's all that matters. You have the power to decide whom you choose to let in and whom you choose not to. You have every right to be accepted for exactly who you are. And those who cannot accept Kristi will just have to deal the fact that Kristi is a part of who you are.Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
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Nicole Pearce
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2003 10:36 am
- Location: Oregon
Thanks
Wow- you gals blow me away with your caring. You humble me and show me just how wonderful people can be. I thank you all for reminding me just how precious a loving spouse and family can be. I do not take them for granted. You all have a lot of wisdom. It is just so great that when a post like this appears, so many come to the rescue. Truly a loving, caring bunch.
Many of you have walked the same path, and it is very helpful to know I am not the only one on a path like mine. I guess the hardest part is knowing that I am not just your everyday CDer and for years I denied that. I couldn't be more than that- I just COULDN'T! Yet I am...
I have gotten to the point of self acceptance- a huge step for me. It is particularly hard on my spouse as she had no inckling that her knight in shining armor had nylon panties on. She's still adjusting to that one. I guess I wasn't too clear, but she has known about Kristi for 8 years- she just recently got the courage to meet her however, and I don't think it was as bad as she thought it would be. Our journey together continues and I tell her everyday how much she means to me. And she continues to tell me the same- she has certainly shown me what true unconditional love really is...
I guess I just needed to know if I was like others in a similar situation, and I guess you have confirmed in me that a lot of you are. I applaud the courage that you all have and continue to show to the world. I believe we are the true soldiers for our planets' growth. If not us, who- if not now, when...
Thanks for your truly caring and loving replies. I don't know any of you personally, but I would definitely call you all sisters. Maybe someday I will meet some of you- if any of you ever get the notion to come to the transgendered convention in the NW called Esprit, let me know. I will be there!
Big hugs to you all!!
Kristi
Many of you have walked the same path, and it is very helpful to know I am not the only one on a path like mine. I guess the hardest part is knowing that I am not just your everyday CDer and for years I denied that. I couldn't be more than that- I just COULDN'T! Yet I am...
I have gotten to the point of self acceptance- a huge step for me. It is particularly hard on my spouse as she had no inckling that her knight in shining armor had nylon panties on. She's still adjusting to that one. I guess I wasn't too clear, but she has known about Kristi for 8 years- she just recently got the courage to meet her however, and I don't think it was as bad as she thought it would be. Our journey together continues and I tell her everyday how much she means to me. And she continues to tell me the same- she has certainly shown me what true unconditional love really is...
I guess I just needed to know if I was like others in a similar situation, and I guess you have confirmed in me that a lot of you are. I applaud the courage that you all have and continue to show to the world. I believe we are the true soldiers for our planets' growth. If not us, who- if not now, when...
Thanks for your truly caring and loving replies. I don't know any of you personally, but I would definitely call you all sisters. Maybe someday I will meet some of you- if any of you ever get the notion to come to the transgendered convention in the NW called Esprit, let me know. I will be there!
Big hugs to you all!!
Kristi