Rating my gender, tracking my cycles.

[Anne Bonny]

I have thought of creating a way to plot and track the cycle of how my gender flows on a 5 point scale at the end of each day (I would shoot for the overall rating for that day not the swings that may occur throughout the day) which I suppose I could plot with a bar chart. I think 5 very simple and defined choices would be best because it requires judgement on our part. I am very data oriented and I am curious. Are these cycles regular or irregular, are the intensities erratic or do they build then wane over time. Could this be based on some physical factor or is it all just influenced by what is happening in our daily life - stress, worry, etc? :

1. Fully male and masculine with absolutely no desire to be feminine.
2. I am having transient thoughts and desires which are mildly feminine but I have no desire to change or to wear anything feminine my masculine thoughts are suppressing and shaking off feminine thoughts.
3. Ambiguous I feel neither masculine or feminine and do not know what direction to go in, perhaps mixed dressing. anxious because I feel pulled in opposite directions but do not really want to move in either direction, I feel distressed, neutral.
4. I feel feminine and desire to wear feminine clothing and allow myself to be who I am until this passes.
5. I feel I am a woman, I have no desire to be masculine, I feel fully feminine. I want to come out of the closet and live openly as a woman, I am happy with no masculine desire at all.

-Just a couple days ago I would have been a 1 and this cycle ran for 20 days!
-Yesterday I would rate my self as having been a 2, I suppose this represents the beginning of a shift to the feminine side.
-Today so far, I would rate myself at a 4. But am suppressing it because one of my sons is home. I want to dress but feel that I can't.

For me this is an interesting thought. Anybody else out there intrigued? Has this already been thought of, or how would you reword the descriptions on the 5 point scale...are 5 enough? I know we are not objective, thoughts we have I have noticed may rapidly pass when our gender shifts and I find that fascinating too. Oh I want to dress every day from now on...next morning or even a hour later it may be found I have absolutely no desire to dress anymore...where did those thoughts even come from. We have all experienced this.

[Paulette]

I've often thought of doing something like this. Never followed through.

I'd be very interested to see how this works for you.

[Anne Bonny]

I am usually a 4 in the morning hours more often than not. I believe I am feeling pressure not to dress by my sons, knowing that though they know, and as Generation Y (1993-1995) they have no objections per se yet even so because they live at home and I am their Father ... they really do not want me to and I know it. Just as many may in theory have no objections to it until it is up close and personal in a friend or neighbor or family member then they are opposed to it. If you are on Facebook and read the vicious attacks on Caitlin Jenner from all comers piling on in overwhelming numbers it is very disheartening. I may be reacting a little to that as well. There is a segment of society in certain parts of the country but that is really faint and scarce support for us. my age has also had an effect. I am in the best shape of my life but you cannot turn back the clock on your skin, hair ... your appearence, it shows and is discouraging.

I would probably dress if I knew my sons were away and would definitely not be back until late afternoon. One will be going to the University in the another week or so...the other plans or states he and his "fiance - there is a ring" plan on moving out in October - hum. In that case I will be free there will be no bad feelings to crush my desire to change into feminine clothing.

Wow..can't help myself... WAY OT. I think last post I rated myself a 4 but overall for that day it really fell to a 2. There is probably room for two more choices for a total of 7. but it seems no one is interested much sides you. I suppose I am just seen as unbalanced or mental perhaps weird because I tend to think so much about all of this. Oh well...I will never change.

[Danielle R.]

Great idea. I will start monitoring my emotions using your chart, I live alone so I can dress whenever I want. But there are times when I don't want too I do think we need 6 and 7. There are times I want to go out in fem, but I don't want to face the stress, I over think the situation, that would be 6. And you are right Caitlin has not made me feel any safer, the hatred that surrounds her is overwhelming for me at times. I would love to know way there is such a dislike and down right meanness for what she has done? And then there are times that I don't think about it and just go out #7. And that happens mostly when I have been dressed all day, I get comfortable in my fem and I start to forget about my masculinity. I will write down the time of day, and the situation I am in, when I have a feeling of dressing or thinking why can't I just stop. I know I can never stop! but sometimes I wish I could. Like you, I want to know why I am like I am.

[Domonique]

Anne, I think it is great that you are keeping track of your gender cycle. I have tried in the past to keep track but I would lose track because of other situations and instant mood changes (do to raising kids). Now that the kids are gone and me being 40 plus years old, I have been more feminine than not. Even with my occupation, dealing with tenants all day, I still let me female side out.

As far as your sons go, they will still love you no matter what side is showing. Seems that issue is resolving itself.

Now, as far as Caitlin Jenner goes, she is still dealing with the same issues we all have been dealing with since we discovered this side of us. She just went national, so she will be getting it from all four corners. But.....when we are finally recognized for who we truly are (which may be in another century), like the gay and the lesbian and so forth, Caitlin will be remembered as the first to stand up and say, " Here I am".

When it comes to Facebook, I have no use for it. I had an account to keep in touch with friends and family. Of course it was nothing but drama with them. My reason for closing my account is that Facebook will not allow users to use a screen or stage name. Also I caught on that they track your searches even when you are not logged in. Try it some time when you are going to log in. Search for something first, like shoes or dresses, pick a site and look at it, then log into facebook and look at the adds.

In the meantime keep posting your numbers, I am interested to see how many times you are a 7.

Hugs

[Anthony Simon]

If you are on Facebook and read the vicious attacks on Caitlin Jenner from all comers piling on in overwhelming numbers it is very disheartening. I may be reacting a little to that as well.

I haven't read those attacks, but I know the style. I'm not sure, necessarily, that it has that much to do with Caitlin Jenner or TG issues. The places I've seen it, it seems more to do with the disheartening aspect. It's like their viciousness kind of exists of itself and seeks issues to make itself heard.

These sort of people seem to enjoy the effect they're having - like making ordinary, decent people feel upset. I know there is a lot of anti-TG feeling out there, but you have to be careful to separate it from the internet posters who are being nasty just for the sake of upsetting others.

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks. I find when I stay away from issue posts my day is much less stressed and happy. Haters will always be there to encourage each other to hate. Christians act as if they have cornered the market on Morality and if not for them morality would cease to exist when it is just common sense to be your best self in regard to others because it is in your own best interest to be so. Faith has nothing to do with it, I am an agnostic.

As for the tracking part Today is the first day I have been fully dressed except for the wig, no nail polish, legs need cleaning up, but I am letting my own hair grow, prefer not to have to wear a wig -will see how it goes, have not been to a barber for a couple months...takes a long time at 1/4" per month. So today I would rate a 4 at least this morning will see...

Ok so my masculine gender cycle lasted about 20 days from the 14th-16th of July through about the 1st of August the rating was a 1 throughout, then on the 2nd a 2, then a 4 but did not dress, today I am dressed and am at a 4
.................................XX
.................................XX
..............................XXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hum not sure when I submit the graph is flipped oh well.
Added periods.

[Gillian]

Using your scale to determine my own path, I see myself in the middle zones most of the time. I am rarely to never in either the 1 or 5 category at this stage in life. When I was younger I could see myself in the 1 range for about 40% of my time. Now, I see myself living in the 2 to 4 range spending most of the time in the 2 to 3 with a drift into the 4 range. In a weekly break down it would work out something like this;
two days in the 2 zone,
four days in the 3 zone,
one day in the 4 zone,
There are times when I go deep into the four zone and it can last a week or more. Then again it can shift into the 2 zone and last a week or more also. I think it has alot to do with any stress in my life. The desire to dress is greater in stress times.

[Kelly]

A really interesting idea!! I will be interesting to hear your results six months to a year from now. Perhaps the results from so other gals.

When I first read this post I thought, gee I should do that as well. Don't think it will work. Turns out that when I am a 1 or 2 (which has been the norm as of late), I can't be bothered to update the log.

Kelly.

[Diana Michelle]

Interesting thread. It has long been known that males have "cycles" caused by hormones. The fact you find it affects your desire or motivation to dress is not surprising. I believe many girls go through periods where they don't have any need to dress then they have periods where it is a driving force in their life. Remember even males have female hormones in them and there are times those take over while other times testosterone dominates.

The attacks on Caitlyn Jenner is not surprising to me. Being post-op I went through many of the same prejudices, sadly mostly from my own family. Yes there are still those even today who prefer to "hate" transgendered people either through ignorance or just plain prejudice. If anyone thought that because a celebrity came out as TG would change the world, well I have a bridge you might want to buy. Sure Caitlyn has the opportunity and stage to perhaps change a few opinions and I hope she stays her course and shows the world we are not freaks.

As for Facebook I was on it a while ago but have long closed the account. If you don't believe that a company like that can just provide a service as they do and not mine data and sell it to advertisers well you might be interested in that bridge as well. When I first started out on Facebook it wasn't too bad but as time went on it just reached a point of being blatant I left. For those of you still there I caution you they are becoming the "Big Brother" we have all read and talked about, remember 1984 by Orwell.

[Anne Bonny]

Hey - HaH! I'm glad you find this interesting I have been in the 1 zone for a long long time, but of late and now that one son is off to the university with the other being more predictible I am back hovering between 1 and 4. I find I feel much more feminine in the morning until early afternoon and then drop to a 1...at bed time may rise to a 4 for sleep in feminine sleep wear... but it does come and go...I am gender fluid. There are many outside influences that effect us, perceptions, stress, life circumstances etc...People who we sense want us to be ... in my case Dad and who I sense just do not want me to be openly dressed in their presence even when they know, and have seen me and without any strong objections...you just know and sense it so I don't. Now that I am alone in the house Anne is free to be Anne again.


Yeah I am in the 2 range interestingly it can progress through the 3 range or just skip over that right to 4. I also believe at 4 it is possible to want to come out of the closet too. so would alter that one.

I have found myself putting on panties...under dressing then gradually moving to add more and more feminine things until I say just go ahead and dress!!! and then I am a full 4.

Have fun!

[Robyn]

This is an interesting post indeed. I don't think I'm ever a 1 or a 5. The more I think about it I'm good presenting as a male, but I really enjoy putting on my makeup with a dress too.

Perhaps my personal scale would be defined as follows, and in which case I'd traverse all levels :-)

1. Dressed as a male and fulfilling my male obligations
2. Dressed as a male, but feeling the need to put on something pretty
3. Going with the flow, perhaps a nightgown in the evening for bed
4. Dressed as a woman and tending to everyday tasks
5. Presenting as a "lady" (to the nines) for an event or TG gathering

[Anne Bonny]

Thumbs up Robyn...and I still like the outfit you have on in that photo wish I had something similar..who made it? and the Sandals?

[Robyn]

Thank you Anne, and the green dress in my avatar is another one of my thrift store buys at a price of $5.00 or less. The manufacturer is R&K Originals, which you can find on eBay as well as a number of other inexpensive clothing sites. The sandals are from Lane Bryant, and they're actually a hand-me-down from my SO (here on this site as Nature Gal).

Keep posting Anne, I find much of your stuff very insightful

[Alexia]

I'm trying to think if I've ever really felt like you describe under 1, fully male and masculine.
I've always, until very recently, thought of myself as a male, simply because of my, umm, equipment.
But I've never felt like a particularly 'good' male, I'm not a macho man by any means.
So many 'typical' male things are things that I hate or just don't even care about.
The only way in which I am stereotypical and heterosexual male is in the way I want to be with a woman and even that may not be entirely true, as there may at least be room to be with someone who is transgender, but convincingly female enough.
In fact, I'm currently thinking I might be able to be happy with someone like that, as they would probably be (very) accepting of me crossdressing, or more, whereas with a GG, I might find out, after a while, that even if they were accepting at first, they might not be as accepting later. Or maybe they would break off the relationship the moment I told them. *shrugs* But this is all hypothetical to me.

So I am inclined to say I am mostly, if not all my life, 2. Technically male, but with some feminine traits.
I'm starting to think that I've been blind for not noticing this before, even the past few years while crossdressing most of the time.
What do you mean, denial?
I deny having been in denial.

I dress male when going outside, but for the past few years I've been dressing as a female more and more.
Now it is 50% or more of the time that I am home, more on weekends, unless I need to go outside.
On workdays, after coming home, I either change clothes quickly, or do so after I finish eating dinner at the latest (I hardly ever go into the kitchen while crossdressed, as I can be seen there).
Nowadays, hardly any day goes by that I don't crossdress at all.
I think I had one day recently, but it didn't catch and that was really exceptional for me.
Even at work, or outside, I catch myself looking at other women, seeing what they are wearing, if it is something I may want to wear.
And I just caught myself writing, 'myself looking at other women'.
Wow.
I'm not going to 'correct' myself on this one.

I am definitely spending some time in 3 lately, being distressed over what I want to be, not knowing the answer.
I think this would be what they call 'dysphoric', your looks not matching your perceived gender.
I know I am physically a male, I just don't like it very much.
At best, I feel like a failure, as a man, and like how women look so much more anyway.
I am not sure I want to go the other way either, it'd be a difficult route, I know that.
But at least I am considering the question and have more or less accepted this side of me.

On the opposite end of the scale, I've never felt like 5 either.
Fully female?
No. I know it isn't true, right? Because of my body.
I'm not sure even surgery could make me feel like 5, I would probably still consider myself to be a fraud.
Which is yet another thing to consider.

As for 4, I cross dress a lot, spend a lot of time at home wearing women's clothes.
But as for, allowing myself to be that until it passes?
It doesn't seem to pass, I am just confronted with the need to change into drab because I need to go to work or make myself dinner and don't want things to be even more complicated.
But I am starting to hate having to take 'real world' considerations like that into account.
The longest period I didn't crossdress, was on holiday, when I was staying with a friend and his girlfriend.
But I did manage to buy and at least look for women's clothes and accessories and discussed it with my friend, who is the only one who knows.

So this is a complicated question for me.

My best estimate would be:

On workdays: about 50% 2 and 50% 3 (both either more or less) and perhaps some 3 thrown in for 'fun'.
On other days: about 25% 2 (or less), about 70 % 4 (or more) and about 5 % 3 (or less).

Okay, that is more than enough thinking about this for now.