I'm Back

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Fri May 28, 2004 3:48 am

Hi everyone,

I am back from my trip to wyoming to see my best friend. As I suspected he was very supportive and said it did not change our friendship. I had a great time, he only lives 15 miles from Devil's Tower, it is beautiful. I will put up a web page with the pics real soon.

While i had a great time while i was there, it has never been worse between me and my wife, and I have been very depressed. I just can not accept it is over. I have really been thinking about dying a lot. I found myself wishing my plane would crash. Anyway, i know all the cliche` things I should be thinking about, like how my kids need me and all that. It is easy to say if you don't have a chronic pain illness, and facing being alone, and poverty. I won't even be able to afford my medicine.

The future would be bleak even if I were not a crossdresser, but being a poor, lonely, person with fibromyalgia, and being a crossdresser is more that I am going to be able to handle. Having depression and chronic pain without meds is just too much agony, that is not to mention how heart broken I am about losing my wife who I love so much, and I just adore her. Plus becoming a weekend father. Even if I wanted to, I could not afford to keep them. I will be lucky to be able to afford a 1 bedroom apt.
I hate to sound so negative, but I just do not see any way I end up having a good life without her.
Love to all
Elizabeth

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri May 28, 2004 5:52 am

Elizabeth

And your life is so good with her?

You adore her??????

Get yourself to Doctor ASAP.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Fri May 28, 2004 7:27 am

I thought I was going to enjoy your post about your trip. Instead you took a positive situation and made it a negative one, which shows you need to contact your doctor immediately.

When is your next appointment?

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Fri May 28, 2004 8:58 am

Hang in there Elizabeth. Believe me, you are much better off without her. I too know pain. I too know rejection. I too know the feelings of being cast aside by those who I thought loved me. I know those feelings all to well.

Life is hard all around. Things are tough all over. Most of my friends (myself included) are unemployed. Things are in a real mess these days. I guess we just have to keep on keeping on. Just know that you can PM me anytime you want to chat.

*hugs*

~ Lorna

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Fri May 28, 2004 11:21 am

Hi Elizabeth,

I do agree with Darlene & Beauty, you should get to your Dr. immediately. If you can't afford "your" Dr., maybe there is a clinic in your area you can go to.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going so well at the moment (and I do mean, moment) But, try to remember, "This too, shall pass"

I suffer with depression sometimes as well .

Sometimes when it seems like our life is hopless, that is all we focus on, instead of getting the help we need to help ourselves out of all the darkness. Try to find the strength to get the help you need. It may not seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel (right now), but as long as we are here, it is always there, it may seem dim (sometimes) , but it is always there.

I think the most trying times of our lives are times when we do the most growing of our souls

It may not be so easy right now, but try to see all the good things that you have and that have happened for you over the past couple of weeks.

Remember.......

Elizabeth wrote:I am back from my trip to wyoming to see my best friend. As I suspected he was very supportive and said it did not change our friendship. I had a great time

Elizabeth wrote:Now I feel like I can still have a good life, as so many people here are doing

Elizabeth wrote: I am not the greatest musician, but what I lack in technical merit I make up for in "soul"

Elizabeth wrote:Thanks ladies, I am just feeling great. things could not have gone better so far. My son pointed out that it may have been because I was expecting the worst in every situation, but really my marrriage is the only part that went bad, so far. I am not saying that there are not more trials and tribulations down the road, I have been around long enough to know better than that. I just feel like with all of your support, my brothers support, and my childrens support, I have a chance to realize my full potential and become the person I always wanted to be. I truely do love you all.

Elizabeth wrote: I see possibilities for the future now, that I did not see before.

Elizabeth wrote:My oldest daughter has been so supportive about it.

Elizabeth wrote:Tonight I went to my brothers house to tell him about my CD.He said "we know, it's ok we love you. and my accomplishments and willingness to help others far outweighed any social stigma anyone could place on me. He again said that he and his wife loved me

Elizabeth wrote: I am on this incredible high.

As far as I see it, looks like many things are starting to fall into place, don't give up now, keep going strong.

We are all here for you,

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Fri May 28, 2004 2:19 pm

Thanks everyone,

I just got back from my therapist, I told her how I was feeling. She brought up many of the same points all of you have. I also have an appoointment to see a psychiatrist, she is supposed to help me find the right depression medication, since what i am on is obviously not working.

Love always.
Elizabeth

Kandy · Post by **Kandy** » Fri May 28, 2004 8:07 pm

Hi elisebth,
You think you are having trouble try being a Viet Nam vet cd er with Post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD) And have a flash back while you are in fem clothing and have paramedics show up at your house big shock.

Keep your head up it will get better.

My dr told me so.
Kandy
Also glad you are back

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Fri May 28, 2004 8:30 pm

You are not alone in this Elizabeth.

I have fibro, am on an antidepressant & cope day to day.

Also you can talk to the docs - some phara companies give medicine at reduced or free if you qualify. You don't have to suffer just because you cannot afford it , it's just finding the right program to get you your meds.

See the docs - take care of yourself - post here & let your girlfriends know how you are doing.

Hugs, Anne

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sat May 29, 2004 12:52 am

Hi Elizabeth--
I do know the pain of separating from a loved one, too. I've never been married, but I've lived with one partner for years at a time. There have been at least four major break-ups in my life, and the pain is so hard! I do believe that there are parts of us that we allow to disappear when we're in a secure relationship. As long as we're together we don't notice that they're not operating. But as soon as the other leaves us, we see how we're not complete anymore, and it is a very painful process to rebuild those parts.

I'm not judging you OR me for this--it happens to everyone, to some degree. You can't be in an intimate relationship and keep all those emergency exits open--you have to trust and let go of some of your independent ways. As long as you're together and working things out, you're stronger as a couple than you are as a single. But you do pay a price when you have to slowly learn to be independent again.

Believe me, I know the process too well! Four major break-ups, but many others along the way, too. Sometimes even a three-month dating situation can hit us hard when it's suddenly gone.

My personal belief is that if you take yourself out, you'll just come back to try it again, in harder conditions. Try to find your inner "emergency generator," that will give you temporary motivation long enough to find some long-term stability again. It can come again, really.
Love,
Anita