All hell just broke loose

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

I am so sorry this happened to you. I know what it feels like to be outted by someone you love, to someone you love. I know you wanted to find your own way in your own time, to tell your kids. Now you are just going to have to be strong. Remember your son is probably full of self doubt right now, wondering if he will turn out like you. He will think of all of his peronal thoughts and desires and will certainly thrown a ton of guilt on himself. He will be worrried about his personal life, and what his friends will say, or how they will treat him if they find out. He has legitimate concerns here. Again, the sooner he can get some real information, to replace his fears, the better, but it could be difficult. My wife has refused to find out the truth. She prefers to beleive it is a sick perversion that I have chose. There is nothing I can do to change this.

I know you must feel very dispondant right now, but please try to calm yourself down, and let your wife calm down. She may regret her actions, while still being happy she let you know just how much she disapproves. Perhaps you could try to find out what exactly she hoped would happen as a result of her aciions. Good luck

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Rebecca]

Julie,

I can imagine how hard things are for you right now, I completely echo everyone else's comments. Ultimitely, a lot of this comes down to the rules society places on people, the love within your family will eventually come out on top. Your'e not alone

Thinking of you
Rebecca xxx

[Julie M.]

Today I got off work early and arrived home around 2PM. My wife comes out of the house when she hears the garage door opener and greets me at the car. I am on the phone with Jacki when she comes out. Jacki and I are venting to each other and getting thinks off our chests. We are still in the conversation when my wife arrives at the door of the car. After a while she realizes it may be a while before I'm off and she goes back inside.

I'm all hot and sweaty from work so when I come in I head upstairs to shower. My son is there but I say nothing. I didn't see him but would have if I turned around.

I walk into my bedroom and see my wife laying in bed. She takes cat naps often so I thought nothing of it as I started taking clothes out of my dresser to bring with into the bathroom to shower. I hear sobbing and I turn around to realize she is crying. She tells me she's really upset about our son's reaction. I told her it will blow over but it may be a while. That doesn't help. She and I talk some more until she tells me she's working late today and has to get ready.

I head for the basement where it's cooler and I have a laptop. I log onto the site and that's where I am now.

I've accepted this may take a while. Although my heart aches I know I wil survive and so will everyone else. I hope things don't change between my son and I but I'm happy to say my daughter came up to me yesterday and said some of the most heartwarming things to me. She's the one who seems to accept this best.

I wish I could do something to change this god-awful stigma crossdressing has. You'd think we murdered the Pope the way some people respond. It's just a man donning clothing made for women, wearing makeup, padding and a wig. That's it. But society has done a pretty good job messing up our lives and complicating them to the point I wonder if there's a worse thing to have to live with than crossdressing.

I'm just staying home this weekend. I really don't feel like doing much else.

[Jennifer]

Hi Julie,

You came home from work and your family was there, they have not abandoned you. It seems the worst is over and although there still will be tough times ahead I think everyone is trying to cope with everything that has happened. The time will come when you sit down and explain as best you can and I think each will listen. For now, take a deep breath, you have nothing to hide anymore.

Jenn

[S. Lisa Smith]

I just saw this thread and I have to say that my heart goes out to you! It's a situation that I could be in someday (although my macho son is 22). If you want to grab the bull by the horns (something that I'm not sure is called for in your situation), you may want to consider family counselling. We had a different situation that had to be deal with on a family level and we found that it helped a lot. Good luck!

[Virginia]

Julie,
I sent you a PM but I also want to state for the record, I have a son, 21 is in the throws of getting a medical discharge from the Army, his 18 year old wife of ten months and he are talking divorce (kids playing house). He does not know and it is my responsiblility to tell him, but not now he has enough pressure on him. I will be curious to hear how your son evolves in his acceptance, please keep us posted. I don't know if daughters accept or reject CD'ing in the same way. I do know my daugher seems to have accepted mine, but after I sent her the Carl Jung information and some other information. With my son, I don't know what ot expect when I tell him. As you and a lot of our sisters know it is not something we are ashamed of but it becomes a matter of education, one at a time.
Love,
Deborah

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Julie,

You ask: I wonder if there's a worse thing to have to live with than crossdressing.

I think there is, I came so close to murdering someone, some years ago. Sure am Glad that I don't have to live with that on my conscience.

I think the approach you have taken with your Son is very Mature. You have let him know you love him, yet at the same time he needs to know that the world will not suddenly come to an end, should he not be able to respond in kind.

I know how difficult these situations are Julie (been there and lost), but gained in other ways.

[Julie M.]

My son and I do not talk now. We ignore one another. That is his wish for now. The only way I know what he's thinking is by asking my wife or daughter. He says I have betrayed him.

My wife seems more afraid of losing him than me so she's making sure they are okay. I get the feeling she's given him the impression she's just as upset as he is even though she knew before we were married. I'm feeling a little betrayed by her response to this.

My daughter told him to just get over it and realize his dad is the same person he's always been. His newfound knowledge hasn't changed that fact.

He's told four of his close friends who now when they are over act very distant to me. Home is not a great place to be at the moment.

Friday when Jacki called asking if I wanted to go out I immediately said yes. I figure I need to live my life and right now only my daughter and Jacki are accepting. Everyone needs a friend and everyone deserves to have some fun so why not?

Saturday morning before we left for the weekend I was in a fantastic mood after getting out the night before. I was going around the house getting ready for our trip acting goofy and silly. I was just so up it was impossible to hide. My daughter pointed that out to my son and said, "See, he's still the same goofy guy he always was." It got him to laugh and she liked that.

He goes away to college Aug 17 and I am fully prepared for this to last until then. It hurts to be treated like I don't exist but I've been through worse.

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

Thanks to everyone for all your support. It really makes a difference.

Julie

[Sally]

It's always sad when these situations arise between parent and child. Our children are the products of love between two people, and as such, even though at times for varying reasons they may display passive agressive behaviour towards us, if given time for the situation to diffuse a satisfactory outcome is usually resolved.

Looking at it from the 18 year old youths side, he suddenly found out in an atmosphere of anger and stress that the stereotype he had of his father was not as be grew up to believe. If a child hasn't been brought up from the earliest time to know that diversity does exist amongst people and grow naturally to accept that fact, then teenage time is probably the most likely time when they are incapable of comprehending a parent's diversification from their stereotype image.

At this time in their life they are dealing with a lot of issues and they can feel betrayed, as during their life they not only develop a stereotype image of what a father is from within their own home, but also from the parents of their peers. Under angry circumstances, a young person may not be able to appreciate the importance of discretion and in these times it is natural for them to seek comfort amongst their peers. Around age 18 a young person is forming his social surroundings and in this time they rely greatly on feedback from their peers, regarding their self presentation, background, social worth and family. They can also fear, that as the child of a crossdressing father they are open to extreme harrassment from their peers and this is one huge reason why they may throw up a block or barrier between them and the father, and move closer to their peers for comfort.

In these times of family crisis it can be quite natural for the mother to side with her emotionally wounded child. Maternal instincts between mother and son are usually extremely strong and the natural instinct is for her to comfort and protect her child. When a family is in crisis over these types of issues it's the wrong time to discuss the situation as a family. Given time, the anger and hurt usually abates somewhat to where everyone can think more rationally.

Children usually go through different phases until the time comes when the parent - child bonding takes over and they need to ask questions and their natural curiosity takes over. Sometimes they will seek out the parent who they see as the non offender and they start their discussions there. Mostly it's best not to force the issue, take a step back, and in their own time they will reach out. Love usually prevails, time is a great healer and in the calmer light of day, close families come together and eventually find the right solutions.

I wish you well in a very difficult situation, but if he is given time to do his own research in his own time, it is more likely than not that the situation will resolve itself satisfactorily to everyone. Having said that, as sad as it is, we must also accept that some people can never come to terms with what we do and who we are, that's just how life is.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

[Tea Cake]

HI Julie,

...I can't help but wish that your son could read a print-out of this thread---someday. When the time is right.


----------All the best to you!
-----------Tea-cake

[Jennifer]

Hi Julie,

I am sorry to hear that your son is taking this so hard. As I mentioned earlier my daughter and I never spoke for years but she did eventually come around with wonderful support. I am somewhat dismayed that your wife who had known forever also turned her back on you. My wife made a comment on your situation to me today. I hope someday she participates here but for now she isn't into the computer thing. Anyway she said that she feels your wife is going through the "empty nest syndrome". Your kids are grown up now and will soon be on their own, many women are at a loss when this happens. She feels your wife is hanging on as best she can, she has always had someone to to take your crossdressing off her mind and she is now losing that. While you may feel betrayed chances are that is not the whole picture. My wife wanted me to tell you that, I hope it helps.

Jenn

[VickiCD]

Hi Julie.

There are a great many support from the girls who all sympathize with your situation. It is a very delicate and sensitive issue; I’ve been through it with my own 26 year old daughter. How did I handle it? Well first my wife and I knew that sooner or later she would have to know the truth. So I decided one day to meet her for lunch, during our conversation I ask her a very important question and that was quote; “Can you list all of the qualities you love about your Father?” unquote. I handed her a pad and pen, and further explained that it was very important to me that she write down her feelings.

After she complied, I further explained to her that those very qualities she wrote down is part of an individual self that lives within me. A part she never knew about and was about to find out the truth. Then I told her that I was a cross dresser. At first she seemed shocked, then she immediately replied; “Does mom know about this.” And I replied; “Yes, she does and is fully supportive, it is the very qualities that you’ve listed that your mom has admired so much in me. For she knew, that it was part of my feminine side, which made me what I am today a loving Husband to your mom and a Father to you.” From that point on I proceeded to further clarify the issues covering cross dressing and answered any questions she might have. It turned out all well in the end.

Later as we had additional kids, I have decided to write down some important rules that has help me and others in the same situation.

1) The very worst time to tell a child is adolescence. When a child is struggling with his own emerging sexuality and gender expression, the last thing he needs is to have a parent's sex and gender issues thrust on him/her.

2) Most people decide to tell their children on a "need-to-know" basis. If you are going to be involved extensively in the crossdressing community, and be out and about, it is probably best to tell your child. In this way, you will have control over what he is told, and how. If someone else tells him first, you will have not only the crossdressing issue, but also the thornier issue of trust to deal with.

3) Much of the child's reaction depends on whether the parents present a united front. If your wife is encouraging and supportive, this factor will work for you in a big way. Children want first the secure knowledge that any given factor will not disturb the stability of their family. When the father tells them about the crossdressing, their first thought will be, "What does Mom think about this?" Just as with other aspects of parenting, mother and father must present a united front.

4) You may be surprised if you get some sort of non-committal reaction from the child. The news may be overwhelming. You should not push too hard,
but you should re-expose him/her in low doses so that he/she does not go into denial.

5) If he has another supportive relative with whom to talk over these issues, that is all to the good.

6) How the child does in the long run will depend on the fruits crossdressing bears in his life. He will need his father for a masculine role model. Crossdressing should not interfere with his social life. The crossdresser's desire to "be everything he is" should not prevent the child from bringing his peers home. Nor should the crossdresser try to force his values on his children's friends.

7) If you have any security considerations, I would advise meeting them by stressing to your child the impropriety of "telling other people your business." One doesn't tell peers, teachers, or even other family members, what salary Daddy makes, or what he occasionally likes to wear.

Depending on his or her age, a child may or may not have fears that he will lose you as a father. If he does, reassure him if you can truthfully do so. You are his father, regardless of what you are wearing.

9) Love. Where children get plenty of this commodity, they do not tend to blot it out because of crossdressing.

10) As always, you do well to stress self-expression rather than the superficial clothing.

Above all else try to view their feelings as they experience it, be positive, offer love and support to your family.

I hope everything works out in the end.

Love

VickiCD

[Julie M.]

My son and I talked yesterday. I just said to hell with this silent stuff and walked up to him to talk to him about tuning his carburetor. He has a '72 Mustang Mach 1 that hasn't been runnung well lately and it's killing him. He thought there was nothing I could do so he didn't ask for my help. So I decided to offer it and told him we could work on it next weekend. The conversation was short but pleasant.

Today we had casual encounters and he seems a little better. He and my wife talked and he said he's okay just as long as he doesn't ever see me in a dress. When my wife told me this I asked her if a skirt would be okay She told him not to worry because even she doesn't see me dressed. I don't force it on anyone.

Things may never be the same but I believe in time the new path we are on will actually be better than the old one. This has been such a relief to no longer have to hide this from anyone in my immediate family. I find myself spending more time with them and enjoying it so much. I also have this huge burden off my shoulders and it's so much easier to get through the day. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. It's been tough but I can see light at the end of the forest.

Luv y'all,
Julie

[Ahzz]

Sounds like the shock has worn off a bit and they are starting to get over things.

*tips a glass of wine to your health and good fortune*

[Brianna]

Julie,

I'm glad things seem to be heading in a better direction for you. I haven't really checked out the Coping area for a while. I was sorry that I wasn't there for you but I was very pleased to see all of the support you received. I mentioned one other time that this is truly a family here on this site.

At this point anything I might say would be redundant so I'll refrain from offering any comments other than I hope things continue to improve for you and your family.

Hopefully someone has given you a big hug recently. It sounds like after all you have been through you could really use one.

Hugs,

Brianna