Feeling like a frightened child.

[Marda]

*LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word* *LORNA Said the *R* word*

... And *Here* I *Am* ... all *Bare_Naked* getting into a *Bubble_Bath*

*WhatEVer* is a *GIrl* 2 *Do* (reaching hurriedly for a towel)

/M

[Lorna]

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I feel a bubble bath coming on.

Love always.
Elizabeth

[SophieLawson]

Elizabeth, I too wanna give ya a hug.

Awww, I wanna have a bubble bath

Sophie xx

[CJ]

Okay, okay... y'all planning to hug each other in a bubble bath, is that it?

Elizabeth:

I don't think Marda will mind if I use the "R" word again: RESPECT. I have a lot of respect for you, Elizabeth (for all the folks, here, actually). After all you've been through, and are still going through, that you can come here, holding yourself up, and still share your feelings without reservation, is an awesome thing. It's a real thing. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can see behind your insecurities or your ups and downs, to the true beauty of who you are. Whether or not your emotional needs are met, in the world "out there," closer to home, so to speak, know that we, here, are aware of them. And I, for one, will always try to raise you up as best I can--even if I don't always respond to given posts (I'm also trying to learn to just shut up and let other people express themselves).

Now, will those bubbles be rose- or lavender-scented?

Love,
CJ

[Rebecca]

Hi all,

Feggy the rubber duck

( feggy meaning I'm first with )

Love
Rebecca xxx

Rub-a-dub dub,
Wer'e all in the tub
Who do you think they are
Well that would take some sorting out

[Elizabeth]

Thanks girls,

I love you all, but CJ is right, I am terribly insecure still. My legs are wobbly, but I am on my feet.

Darlene,

My apologies. When I don't answer your posts, it is ususally because I have been enlightened. It is obvious to me that when you post, you are cutting through the nonsense, and trying to get to the substance. It is also obvious that you have learned a lot of things through experience, and you know what you are talking about. It is not that I don't value your opinion, or think you don't understand what I am saying. There are just certain things I don't agree with. That may come off as arrogant, but it is not. I am openminded, and can be convinced, but not when I am feeling really insecure. I know that this is not your problem as far as discussions here go. I just wanted you to know that I do value your opinion, your experience, and your intelligence. I hope you always stay you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Elisabeth.

Thank you for this reply. one of the hardest things for me is knowing before I post that there will be things I say that you will not be able to agree with. What I have been posting is the result of a decade of working on myself, which has not come easy.

I am not really interrested in attempting to convince you of anything. Please take what I share as information only, some of it you will be able to use and some of it you won't. I know that.

Others will come along behind me and will attempt to say things I have said, but will say it in another way and you will understand. When that happens you will say to yourself, that is what Darlene was trying to tell me. At least that is how it happened for me.

I have had people tell me that life is all about making the right choices. That statement has caused me a lot of grief, because those well meanig people have said that to me not realizing that I did not have the information required in order to make the right choices.

What I am attempting to do here is to provide you with some information that may enable you to make some right choices, and I hope others here will add to it. In order to give you a larger resource from which to choose. It takes more than just telling you that you are alright, brave, etc. (which of course you are) for you to make it.

[Elizabeth]

Darlene,

Thanks for your post, and understanding. I agree that it is about making right choices and that having the information is key. Not only do I have to have the information, but it has to be the correct information, and all of it.

This means I am destined to make more poor choices, because I will invariably never have all the information I need. So when deciding what information I am going to take with me, and what I am going to leave, trust, experience, and character of the person with the information is everything.

You possess all of those. Plus a loving, and caring that goes deep into your soul. There are times I feel your pain. I do love you, and thankyou for caring so much about everyone here.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Thank you Elisabeth,

I am humbled and grateful that you are able to view me in the way stated in the above post. That is something I constantly aspire to take care of, as I realize the importance of what you have have said.

You are right that we are destined to make more poor choices, because we will invariably never have all the information we need.

But perhaps "better" choices is the correct word to use here, as I don't think one will ever have all of the correct information. One would have to be perfect in order for that to happen. I think there may be some wisdom in viewing it more like a journey, where progress is our goal.

As long as one is making some progress, they will be able to be happy with where they they are going. Having said that I also understand that as one is making progress, they will occasionally slip back into there old ways (which I think has happened in this case). It works more like one step forward and then a half a step back-wards, and this can happen more than once before one is able to achieve victory. So don't beat on your self when these things happen. What you are doing is working.

[Marda]

Hey_Elizabeth

Easy Girl, Easy ...

Did you ever see a teeney tiny weed growing up through a crack in the concrete ??

Do you suppose the weed got there by running full speed head first into the bottom of the slab until *it* finally gave in a cracked ?

imho, that's pretty much what it seems you're trying to do here

You can't "cut the foot to fit the shoe" ... at least not if you ever want to walk again

You probably need *new shoes* ?

Are you eating properly? Are you getting any physical exercise? Do you have a regular sleep cycle? Are you breathing deeply? Are you playing your guitar?

You can waste all the gold in Fort Knox buying new tires for the wheels of your mind, but if you ain't got the gearing right and if you ain't relaxed enough to ride the clutch a bit you gonna just burn everything up in a *Big* cloud of smoke and make a lot of really painful noises

*Bubble Baths My Dear* Walk in the park and meet some birdeez Mother Nature is trying to speak with you but you won't be able to hear *Her* if you ain't "quiet" ...

*AND* I did *NOT* Say to *Stop* Sharing with us here regularly and as required

Try to *Relax* and *let* your soul come together for you ... it *ain't* silly putty ... you can't just *pack* it into a pre-shaped mould from "Spirit Home" Depot

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you ... but it's the *feeling* I'm getting here with my *Vibrometer*

Music MiLady ... maybe some MoodyBlues ... "On the Threshold Of A Dream" ?

Just a few Loving ponderances My Dear Elizabeth

Love / Marda

[Elizabeth]

Hey Marda,

Yeah, you may have the right idea here. Music soothes the soul. As does a bubble bath, with candles. I know I need to chill. That has just never been my style. I must find out why, and how, and where, and when. Which of course is the source of my frustration.

I know I have to take this one day at a time, but it is hard to get used to the idea of "letting it happen". It is my goal though. I guess I just don't want to waste any more of my life swimming upstream.

I really like Wayne Dyer. I have a few of his books. I was watching him give a lecture on TV and he used the song "Row row row your boat" as a metaphor for how to live your life. He said "row row row 'YOUR BOAT', not someone elses boat, YOUR BOAT!....... Gently, gently, not frantically, but gently.............'DOWN', not up, but 'DOWN' the stream." "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily 'Life is but a dream"

That is where I want to be. I want to row my boat, gently, down the stream and live my own dream.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Marda]

Hey_Elizabeth

Having said what I did earlier ... *sometimes* a girl needs a bit of *medical* attention ...

Less than a couple of weeks after I was released from the hospital following my "flying lesson" ... and taking a mild to medium dosage of an anti-psychotic ... I was having a hard time at home ...

... the first few days out I felt like I was "cured" ... I was *Wrong* ... I was just *Beginning* to discover how *messed up* I *really* was ...

... after trying "self-help" books and phone calls to friends, I was starting to "climb the walls" ... I was *very disturbed* ...

... lucky for me, I had a "FRiend* who was obviously *experienced* with "mental illness" and one evening, after several *useless* "crisis line" phone calls, when I started to talk about liquidating my bass guitar assets, he stepped in and drove me down to ER ...

... fortunately, because by then I had a file at the hospital, a *good* psych nurse interviewed me and set me up with the emergency psychiatrist on duty ...

... knowing I had a scheduled appointment with my own case doctor a few days later, he fixed me up with a "sedative" ...

... a few days later, my own doctor put me on *that* plus an anti-depressant ...

... my very astute *friend* may well have prevented me from doing something irrational by taking me into ER that one evening

CJ is probably the best one here to guide you on that, but don't discount the possibility you may benefit from a little *Helper* ...
... just *BEware* ... that stuff can be *Habit forming* ... we want our Elizabeth in the *real* world ... *Not* in a pickle jar

Keep an eye on yourself

3 people *Not* to lie to ... yourself, doctor, lawyer

Love / Marda

[Elizabeth]

Hi Marda,

There is definitely a problem. 3 antidepressants, 2 narcotic pain killers, muscle relaxers. asthma inhaler, flonase, claranex.

Of those I have reducded down to just 2 antidressants because one is just to help me sleep. But it makes me so foggy headed the next day, I don't take it anymore. 2 narcotic pain killers, which I used to take 4 of each every day, now I take about 4 a week. My asthma has been unusually light, which is a surprise because of all the smoke we had from the fires. I rarely take the muscle relaxers, but sometimes my muscles don't relax and stay tight. It usually subsides, but sometimes it hurts so much I take the muscle relaxers. Again, I do this rarely because like the anitdepressant for sleep, it makes me very tired and foggy the next day.

I seen a psychiatrist 11 days ago and also see a therapist. I have a rhuematologist for my fibromyalgia, and a general pracititioner who treats my asthma, alergies, and was the first one to suggest antidepressants about 2 years ago. He also made me an appointment with the rhuematologist for the first time, this led to my diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

Knowing that depression is a major symptom of fibromyalgia this gets discussed with all of my doctors. So yeah, I am actively looking to the medical community to help me too. I am not ashamed of it, and I am glad you brought that up. I mean I am sitting here thinking the same thing. Am I going insane? And right now, I am not really sure. I think it just feels like insanity because I am in transition from the person I used to pretend to be, to the person I really am.

Everything seems almost surreal. I think it is my acceptance that I control nothing. And now have an extreme interest in watching the universe unfold without any help at all from me. It seems that worrying does not change the future.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Elisabeth.

Worry is nothing more than interest that is paid before it becomes due.

I am sure you will be OK hon live has it's up and downs, this too will pass.