Let's Talk Some More

Charlene · Post by **Charlene** » Sun Nov 30, 2003 10:27 pm

I don't have a SO. I tell the ladies I date that I cross dress and that's it. No more dates.

My landlady (who is my friend) knows I cross dress and she's OK with it, but I'm a little self conscience about it so she's only seen my dressed a few time. She took picture the first time she saw me dressed up.

Gaven McLaren · Post by **Gaven McLaren** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 3:58 am

So Charlene when are you telling them hopefully not on the first date. There is a posting on the forum with a poll. I have not checked it lately though I am sure the commen vote is before you get intimate. Not to be preachy but you may want to wait a little longer before telling a new GF.

Charlene · Post by **Charlene** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 4:31 pm

I'm one for honesty in relationships. At one time I waited awhile before telling the lady I was with and it wasn't good. Now I'm up front as I don't want any problems to come from my crossdressing in the future.
I have tried many times to give up crossdressing but it always seemed to be a waste of money. It got to be a viscous circle.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 9:48 pm

Hi Charlene.
I think every CD on this forum has felt guilt and tried to quit at one time or the other. Yeah, denial, purging, none of that works, not even trying to substitute one behavior for another. Such denial can lead to massive unhappiness, and failure can lead to more guilt. But apparently, not even psychologists really regard CDing as a psychological problem, unless it prevents the individual from functioning. However, there are a bunch of folks that do not understand CDing, and equate it with drag performances, she-males in the porno "industry", and Jerry Springer type shows. I understand your desire to be honest with a woman you go out with, but how soon do you tell her about your CDing? If you tell them on the first date, you can easily stop a relationship before it ever gets a chance to start. And if her only contact with CDs is through the impersonal and sensationalized Springer type shows, then you can see why she would run.

Some of the SOs on this forum have come to the conclusion that the more caring aspects of their husbands (what some CDs describe as their Fem side) is what attracted them in the first place. In the final analysis, they have stated that their husbands are still pretty much the people they married, with the exception that they are no longer hiding anything and are often more free to express themselves and happier. They seem to go through a period of euphoria where they are nearly giddy with the sudden release the acceptance by their SO gives them, and some want to try everything at once, like a colt kicking up his heels .

Though that can cause some SO's some worry, life eventually seems to settle out with talking, negotiation, and limits.

These are people in committed relationships that have known, or thought they knew, each other well. But it would take a rare lady indeed to decide on a first or even second date, for example, that they would invest the time and emotion to determine if a relationship is even possible, when they are still virtual strangers with you. Far easier, far more reasonable, to "cut (your losses) and run" as some of the older folks in West Texas say. And if you tell her early enough, you are essentially coming out to a stranger in whom you have invested nothing but an evening. No risk, a way to cut and run for you.

So, it may be that you have to take the risk of a painful breakup that, as you say, might "not be good", because you will be investing yourself and your emotion into that budding relationship too. :| But both of you need to come to know the other, the personalities behind whatever may attract you to one another. Only then, I think, can two people decide to continue a realtionship after you explain yourself to her, and it will likely occur only if each finds the acceptance needed by the other.

I have danced around questions that I may be way off base to ask on such short acquaintance and limited post, and it may be far from the reality of the situation, but I will ask and see if it will at least engender a bit of discussion. Feel free to castigate me if you find the questions inappropriate.

Is it possible that telling your secret early in the "getting to know you phase", whether first date or later, is a way of insuring the relationship will fail to develop to a (potentially) emotionally bruising conclusion? And are you comfortable enough with yourself and your CDing, do you have the confidence in your self worth, the feeling that you deserve to be loved in spite of or even because you are a CD? :| Remember that guilt and feelings of low self worth can take on a metaphysical weight that can bow the strongest back.

One's own subconscious efforts can create self fullfilling prophecies to reinforce this view and give a person a reason to sabatoge the road to happiness. I do not know your age, but I have the impression that you are yet young and can know the pleasure of growing through life with another person. I do so hope you find that person.

Charlene · Post by **Charlene** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 10:01 pm

Thanks for your input. I agree with you . I know that you think it's not wise to say anything on the first date and sometimes I don't.
If I would like to continue dating the lady, I kind of test the waters first and then tell them. If they are open to it, I find it becomes a friend connection not a love connection.
At my age I'm now resigned to being single for the rest of my life.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 10:11 pm

I know the feeling Charlene.

Hope you can keep a window cracked though. :|

Sara · Post by **Sara** » Mon Dec 01, 2003 11:39 pm

I'll reiterate Sharon's comments from the other side of the divide. I did my best to keep it a secret, and did so for many years--and I'll always regret the pain I caused when the secret came out, as it always does. It's taken us a long time to patch up what my own fears nearly put asunder, and I'd do it differently now, even at the risk of losing her early. It is the only fair thing to do.
However, I would wait for some trust and intimacy to develop. No one empties the skeletons (or little black dresses) from the closet on the first date.

So I guess there is no one right time--but I can assure you there is a wrong time.

Sara

Charlene · Post by **Charlene** » Tue Dec 02, 2003 6:52 am

Thanks Sharon(SO) and Sara.

Sharon hit it right on the head for me. I want to be totally honest about my Xdressing. I got tired of hiding it. The fear of being caught was too much, and what would people say?

I now have a few people who know what I do and I don't really feel comfortable dressing in front of them although I have done it a few times. Finding this forum where I can talk openly about my feelings is the best thing that has happened to me emotionally. I could never go to a therapist although I most likely should. I just want to say thanks for having this forum. I know it will be a great help to me.