I yelled at my best friend on Saturday... :(

[Lorna]

...and he did not deserve it.

But I sent him this e-mail.

Hey Frank,

I feel I did not elaborate enough on Sunday when i saw you all, so I really need to further explain why I was so upset & angry when you called me.

And feel free to share this with Jen and forward to Kevin (do you have his e-mail?) I feel that I have not shed enough light as to why I was so screwed up on Saturday when you guys called me, and I think this e-mail will clarify. Plus it has always been easier for me to express myself thru letters or e-mails rather than verbally.

So... what is my problem?

If I were a happier person in general, I never would have let myself get to this point – to sink as low as I have. I’m 33 years old, I sell watches at Macy’s for minimum wage, and I make less than $200 a week (I made more when I was 18, for crying out loud) I have no car, no g/f (no prospects even) no strong job leads, and no health insurance.

And this is all KILLING me inside.

My father was a DOCTOR. Not that I’m playing the “comparison” game, but why did I not inherit his genes to be driven to success?

I NEED to find a better job if I am going to survive. I wish I could find another bank job (who knew that 5 years later I’d still be kicking myself over leaving the bank, I should have stayed in Texas, dammit)

I just don’t know… but I even miss the small things, the simple pleasures… the things that EVERYBODY does… things like EATING OUT or GOING ON VACATION.

And my mother is causing me undue STRESS – I tire of spending my days off going over there doing all this damn work. Add to the stress my sister , brother-in-law & nephew. And now, my fear is that because of all this BS that I may blow the psychological portion of the police exams, hence this may cost me my chances of getting into the NYPD. As a black male I have a very strong chance of making it. Plus I know I did well on the written test.

Maybe, maybe not. I really cannot make that call now. But what I do know is that this may be my last chance to do something with my life.

But the older I get, the fewer the opportunities that come my way. So the next time that either you or Kevin think you’re in dire straits, just stop and think about Rick, unmarried & working for minimum frigging wage.

So much for the “smartest” person in the group. Anyway, the NYPD is my lifeline. It is my last chance to survive.

You have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. Kevin has a wife & a little girl on the way. Kenny has a g/f - soon to be his wife I'm sure. I don't have JACK.

I just hope to have something to be proud of before I'm too damn old to appreciate it.

Sincerely,

~ Rick

[Anita]

Hi Lorna--
You can't second-guess yourself on leaving that bank job. It was the right thing at the time, you thought. I will root for you on the NYPD job, and my prayers are with you, if that's really what's best for you.

I have not heard much personal experience from TS women about what's it like to transition MtF in a police department. I know that you can't be concerned about that right now; you need the job. It doesn't seem like it would be a trans-friendly environment, in my opinion. Even now you have an active girl life, right there in the city. I would hope your job and your social life will not be at odds, if you do get it.

[Beauty]

[Jamie Ann]

I NEED to find a better job if I am going to survive. I wish I could find another bank job (who knew that 5 years later I’d still be kicking myself over leaving the bank, I should have stayed in Texas, dammit)

I just don’t know… but I even miss the small things, the simple pleasures… the things that EVERYBODY does… things like EATING OUT or GOING ON VACATION.

And my mother is causing me undue STRESS – I tire of spending my days off going over there doing all this damn work. Add to the stress my sister , brother-in-law & nephew. And now, my fear is that because of all this BS that I may blow the psychological portion of the police exams, hence this may cost me my chances of getting into the NYPD. As a black male I have a very strong chance of making it. Plus I know I did well on the written test. ... I just hope to have something to be proud of before I'm too damn old to appreciate it.

Hey Lorna,

Lots of people flounder around when they are in their 20s and early 30s. I understand your frustration, but I also think you know that we have to learn from the past and then look forward into the future. If you were not concerned, I would be worried; however, I am confident that you have the insights and motivation to achieve what you want.

My very best wishes,
Jamie

[Lorna]

Anita – thanks hon! I really want to make it. I really want this. Thank you. But as for my TG side, it was never something I have shared with anyone at work - so no worries.

Beauty – back at you – you’ve played the role of ‘big sis’ with me many times in the past, and for that I want to thank you. I’m very fortunate to have met you & have you in my corner.

Jamie – thanks so much! Even though you and I haven’t seen eye to eye in the past on other issues, I just want to say that I totally respect you for that – because you have always been honest - you say what you mean, and mean what you say. Thank you.

Thanks again, girls… I just want my life back.

I will also add this: I am just plain tired of “surviving” and not LIVING. And we all know the difference. Surviving is barely making the rent or just scraping up enough food to eat for the week, or scraping up enough money for the electric bill before they cut your power off.

Surviving is what it is - not DYING. It's good to sustain life, but then again it's not very appealing if your situation is ugly. And survuval for me is fading fast.

Meanwhile, LIVING allows for so much more. LIVING is by far more gratifying than mere surviving. LIVING means new experiences, and new activities. LIVING means actual fun and excitement once in a while. LIVING is traveling to a new city for the first time, or that first kiss from a new special someone, or trying a new food for the first time.

I just want to LIVE again. And I will not rest until I know that option is available to me once again. I want to LIVE and not just “survive”.

[Anita]

Very well put, Lorna. Eternal survival is what some people go through, and you see that and have made a choice to get out of it.

Being a police officer is not like any of your other jobs. Your co-workers are going INTO the places you inhabit as Lorna. A fight breaks out at East of Eighth--who they gonna call? Your collegues, that's who. You may not even be aware there WAS a fight, and all of the sudden the squad car's there. They may not be the officers you work with day-to-day, but sometimes word travels fast.

So that's part of my concern with this. The other is your post about transitioning. Police work strikes me as one of the hardest jobs to go MtF; just my opinion, but I have read of crossdresser hassles with the officer in Cincinnnati, for instance.

You're not committed to transitioning, so maybe this will never be an issue. And you're a strong-willed person; I got that from what little time I spent with you years ago. You can make it all work, but it's a tougher environment for trans issues.

[Lorna]

Hi Anita,

You have made some very valid points. But I have thought everything through so don't worry about me.

1) No one at my job has to know about my personal life. But assuming a few colleagues did discover this about me, I'm not trying to get in for the sake of "making friends". I never expect to be "popular" with any job I go for. I pursue a certain line of work to do the work, not to make friends. If people have a problem with me then so be it. At any rate, New Yorkers (especially NYC police officers) have seen it ALL.

2) My entire life has been nothing but a series of battles; just one after another - before I had to battle the world for being a CD - I had to battle the world for being black. After which I had to battle the world for not living up to the "black stereotype" - in other words liking heavy metal & classic rock music instead of rap, or not knowing how to speak "jive" or Ebonics, or being lousy at sports, etc...

And as a CD I've gone thru the same battles (we ALL do) - Now I have difficulty getting along with many other TGs because I don't fit into the TG "mold". In their eyes I'm not "TG enough". For example I don't drink from a cup with my pinky extended outwards, I don't wear press-on nails nor do I grow my own out to absurd lengths, I prefer flat shoes over heels, and I DESPISE wearing fur.

Just as not every GG should feel obligated to fit into a "Magazine-Cover-Jessica-Simpson-wannabe" mold, as TGs, we should NOT have to face the same levels of scrutiny, simply for wanting to live on our own terms. No one should be expected to fit into any mold , regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle or even in this case, occupation.

(Sorry if I went off into a bit of tangent), but my point is this - I am used to adverse situations, and am used to being "different" or being expected to feel "awkward", simply because I am different... but hey I always will be to one degree or another. And I had already decided years ago that it was time for me to stop feeling awkward or apologetic just for being ME - and that enough was enough. That's how I look at it.

Not fitting into the expected social "mold" is nothing new to me. But as long as I pass all of the legal tests for the NYPD, then I have no worries. There is already this nationwide stereotypical image of how a police officer should be. Macho, racist, homophobic....

Well, NOT ME. No ma'am.

I plan to follow ALL of the proper protocols, and offer the same courtesy and respect to EVERYONE who deserves it, regardless of who they are. And if a few of my colleagues happen to have a problem with that - OH WELL.

As for transitioning - well, that's another bridge I'll worry about crossing only when or even if I reach it at all.

***hugs!***

~ Lorna

[Virginia]

Lorna,
You are a survivor that is living!!! I don't think many of us could handle the changes that are wronght upon you - yet you still keep coming back stronger. I'll bet if the NYPD wanted references you could get some really good ones from your sisters here!! We are all pulling for you and remember the old saying about when one door closes yet another will open.
You go girl!!! We are proud of you!
Virginia