Telling Children

[Nina Femrite]

I'd like to know if many CDs have told their children about their crossdressing. If so, how old were they when you told them? What was their reaction? Are you glad you told them? Did boys react differently than girls? Did your SO encourage telling your children? Why? If you haven't told your children, why not?

My children are adults now but I still haven't told them and I don't think they have a clue, even though we're a very close family. Part of me feels so deceptive about keeping it from them and I wonder, if I were they, would I want to know? How would I feel if my father had kept some significant part of his life completely hidden from me? I just don't know.

I do know that telling my children is something that I think about frequently. I've discussed this with my wife and she almost panicked at the thought and said, "Absolutely not!". But I think my kids are pretty bright, aware and open-minded (they're certainly well-educated). Is there any advantage to telling them? Besides giving them whole new gift ideas for Father's Day? I don't know. I'm curious what others have done.
Nina

[DonnaT]

Hi Nina,

I told ours last year. They were 27 and 26 at the time. The oldest, our son, said he already knew and hasn't had any problem with it.

Our daughter hasn't spoken about. No questions, no opinions, nothing.

I told our son because my wife and I were have a heated discussion, and since he lives at home, I thought it only fair to let him know what was going on.

I told our daughter a couple of months later because my wife kept asking my why I hadn't told her, even though my wife had been against telling them all along.

Now thqat it's out in the open, I no longer have to run and hide if I'm dressed and they come home unexpectedly.

[Becky Adams]

Hi Nina,

Told our four sons bewteen two and four years ago, they were all in their mid-30's at that point...told 'em separately, and three in the presence of their mother. Their first question acroos the board in all cases was "Does Mom know?" and the second, also across the board, was "Does she accept?" You can see where I rank in the order of things! When they learned she knew and accepted, they were apparently okay--only one has read my autobiography as a CD and his response was along the lines of getting it published (I guess like JJ Allen's "Man in the Red Dress"). Haven't had time or interest as writing it was more for me than for publicity. Two of the boys are heterosexual and two are gay (molested by a chaplain's backside't years ago and finally some 15-20 years later worked their way thru to telling us...and then I upsatge 'em by saying I understand the pain they went thru deciding to tell us 'cause I have something to tell you!). Ironically, the two hetero are divorced now while one of the gay is going on 15 years of companionship and the other going on 7...good luck on your decisions. We decided to tell 'em 'cause we didn't want them finding my stash or the size 18 dresses and shoes in the closet along side my suits in the event of our accidential deaths--wanted it out before they learned without hearing our side.

[Merinda]

When my kids were 10 & 12 I said to them that I'm going to set the scene of Harry Potter and I'm going to dress up as a teenage witch .
This was a photographic exersise that went ok , my kids laughed at me at first but got used to seeing me dressed after a number of repeat performances.

[Anita]

We decided to tell 'em 'cause we didn't want them finding my stash or the size 18 dresses and shoes in the closet along side my suits in the event of our accidential deaths--wanted it out before they learned without hearing our side.

My original teen-age CDing was all about borrowed clothes--so there was nothing to see in my closets. When CDing suddenly reappeared when I was 49, I considered whether it was just part of my private life, and didn't need to be talked about. Then I realized that I was now going to have clothes, wigs, and so on, and these would be in my house for the rest of my life. Did I want my friends and relatives to learn about it after I was gone? No way did I want that--I had always been as honest as I could be with them. So the whole issue of after-death scenarios made it clear to me that I did not want to hide this from anyone. I'd have to say that I wouldn't have been able to make exceptions for children, if I had had them. As it was, I had to tell at least one 5-year old (with his mother's consent).

Thanks for bringing that up.

[Becky Adams]

There's another aspect to this--was asked at a college class (on human sexuality where I was a member of a panel of CDers) one evening what I wanted to be buried in. Had to think fast (gave it up long ago when I got commissioned as thinking was conduct unbecoming an officer...) and came up with the fact that even tho I was a crossdresser and my spouse knew and supported me and our sons knew, to be buried en femme rather than as everyone else knew me might not make any difference to me but it would sure create a problem for those I loved most--my wife and our children. Once again, something to think about--our actions go far beyond our own devices and desires and the consequences of those actions aren't always what we'd like 'em to be.

[Sally]

Hi Nina,

My circumstances may be a little different from yours, but I'll endeavour to give you my views on telling the kids and give you some things to ponder on.

I never told mine until they had finished school and were out in the work place, the reasonings being that I believe we have to tell them either when they are very young and grow up knowing nothing different, or we have to wait until they are young adults and are through the adolescent stage, where they have enough to cope with at that age between not being a child and not being an adult.

I had to tell my kids because of it being at that stage of more than just crossdressing there was obviously going to come the day when physical changes would become obvious to one and all. They took it well and the two girls have probably been better with it than the son has, but overall I'd say that it now isn't any problem, although to be honest, knowing our kids as I do I'd say that if they did have any problem with it they probably wouldn't tell me, preferring to let 'sleeping dogs ly' and not cause any unpleasantness, that's just how they are.

I believe that whether we tell our children or not depends on the need to tell. Sometimes it's ok to carry a secret and many people do. Sometimes we have to weigh up what the telling of that secret will achieve us as against what it will lose us. What is to be gained? What are the probabilities that it'll blow up in our face and cause a situtaion we may have avoided? Is it better to keep the status quo or is there a compelling reason why you need to tell them?

Sometimes the more we express our femininity the desire for more grows greater. More frequent dressing is the obvious compromise but I know that as the desire for more grows, then the need to expand our expressions can bring on emotional disturbances if supressed and the need to tell people may become greater. Having said all this it gets back to you and your wife being the people in the best situation to know the probabilties of what may or may not result from telling your children, it's very hard for outsiders to give advice on this, I think all we can say is what we did and how it turned out and you can take what you can from all that.

There were advantages for me in telling my children, but really I had to tell them because if I didn't they were going to see for themselves anyway, so in that way my case is a bit different to yours. They really never had a clue until I told them and it was probably harder telling them than it was telling my wife, but, what I can say is, them knowing their mother was comfortable with the situation was a big help. I believe that my son especially would have been a real problem if his mother had had a problem with it all. From my experiences of other people, on average sons have more a problem with their fathers femininity showing than daughters do, but it does vary.

I wish you well with a very difficult decision.

Kind Regards,

Sally.