self made man

[Absaroka]

I bought a new book the other day called Self Made Man by Norah Vincent. It is by a woman who spent a year or so passing as a man to see what it was like. She did not do this as part of FTM transition and among other things says in the beginning that she was put very much in touch with how she really prefers being a woman. She has a bunch of stuff about how often to breathe as she speaks-seems men and women tend to do even that differently.

I haven't read very much of it YET but it sounds very intriguing. Sometimes if something is always with you you lose your awareness of it so I am very interested in her take on a lot of stuff us guys (and I calling us guys here because this thread is about us as men) experience without being aware of it. I'll let you know what I come across....

Absaroka

[SilverLady(SO)]

Absaroka -

This book sounds like it goes hand-in-glove with DonnaT's thread, "Question for the GG's" wherein Donna asks us if we ever wanted to be a man, and how we would handle things if, as men, we were CD, etc. Maybe Donna should read this book, too!!

I look forward to hearing more about this book, even though I don't want to live life as a man - I'm very happy being a GG!!




- SL

[Absaroka]

Well I finished the book the other day and I really have to say that this is the book I have been looking for for a long time. I have been trying to find one where one gender is explored from the perspective of another. However reading about the experiences of trans sexuals doesn't seem to address this. To quote one of the " I don't know what it's like to be a woman because I never really was. I was always a man trapped in a womans body" Bugt now we have someone examining this , not as a confused adolsecent, but as an adult doing this voluntarily. In my mind the voluntary aspect was also crucial in that it allowed a certain distance and persepctive.

A lot of the book was actually fairly predictable. But the last chapter, describing what she had learned from it all, was very enlightening and really helped me make sense out of a bunch of stuff that has puzzled me. I definitely had a couple of "AHA" moments reading it and thinking about it afterwards.

Absaroka

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

FYI, I wrote a lengthy review on my blog. My take on it is that for anyone who’s lived life as a man, Vincent’s insights often fall into the “well, yeeaaah” variety, but I suspect (and hope) many women will find the book to be eye-opening.

One of the main values of Vincent’s book is that hopefully women will be more receptive to hearing about some of the downsides of masculinity—and differences in communications styles—from one of their own. As Vincent says, she learned “about the respectful space a man often needs around him when he is vulnerable or in tears. It may be possible now to interpret the silences of men around me as something more than voids or standoffs, and to feel more comfortable about being present and available to them without always needs our exchange to be explicit or neatly resolvable in my language.”

The main reservation I have is that the experiences she sought out seem drawn from a rogue’s gallery of middle/upper-class feminist bête noires. The men’s hangout for working class stiffs. The strip club. Men-without-women (Vincent joins a monastery mainly because going undercover in the army or prison presented obvious difficulties). The Glengarry Glen Ross sales job. The Robert Bly-ish men’s movement weekend, beating drums in the wilderness. It’s only the chapter on dating where Vincent talks about something remotely like everyday male-female interaction.

The central lesson Vincent learns is how constrained and powerless men often feel. One gets the sense that her breakdown at the end of her experience may not have simply been the strain of the impersonation and the inevitable lies required, but instead may have been just as much do, as another reviewer put it, that “it was just as difficult—particularly for a lesbian, feminist, former Village Voice writer—to handle the disconcerting realization that being a guy is, as she plainly puts it, “really hard.’”

On the one hand, I’m glad she sums up the downsides to her experience. Vincent herself says that she became the “tired and prototypical angry young man” who she used to hate for droning on about his problems. “But after living as a guy for even just a small slice of a lifetime, I can really related to that screed and give you one of my own.” But Vincent is unable to move past the pain. Perhaps it’s too new to her.

Had Vincent participated in more “regular Joe” male pursuits, she might have discovered that there many times when being a man isn’t “a series of unrealistic, limiting, infuriating and depressing expectations constantly coming over the wire”—in fact it can be a joy (and not just from the privilege of being the cock of the walk). Or why, although I enjoy putting on a dress and taking a gender vacation from time to time, I’m happy to remain a man.

[Absaroka]

I have to agree about your comment about her choice of venues. And even the dating chapter was a bit stereotypical. I could have told her that trying to meet women in singles bars was going to be unpleasant. And the sales job-who in their right mind would feel good in such a situation. It's the sort of job most people try to get out of as quickly as possible. I thought the bowling club experience was perhaps the least extreme and most real of all the chapters.

Still loved the book though.

Absaroka

[Sally]

Hi Absoroka,

It sounds like a very interesting book.

I can't say that I've ever felt as though I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I can't even say my feelings on that have changed since I took steps to change my hormonal balance to the female side. One of my biggest problems in life was having to live as others expected me to, because of being born with male physical characteristics.

As a biological born male who voluntarily chose to live as a woman after living so many years being seen as a male, I can say that in my case, when I compared the two lives there was no question which one was right for me, although I do admit there are some advantages of living as a male, but for me it always gets back to the state of being where I'm most happy, and I'm most happy presenting as a female, which in turn helps me think female and behave female without fear of ridicule.

I think most TS's would agree that there isn't anything such as a sex change. We can never change our sex, all we can do is cosmetically alter appearances to try and enhance and compliment how we see ourselves mentally and how we wish we'd been born. These changes then help with the behavioural changes we make to help compliment our female image, so we conform with social standards which have changed when we release ourself from the social standards associated with being a male.

I find that now it's alright for me to cry and to admit to weaknesses. I can touch and hug other people, especially women without being thought of as having an ulterior motive. I can publicly express empathy, sympathy, affection and understanding without people assuming I'm trying to get 'it on' with them. I can throw a tantrum and not be challenged to fight. I can now listen to my heart without having to justify the logic. I no longer castigate myself when I fail and I don't blame myself as much if problems arise. As a fully blown male I could never do these things on a regular visible basis. I always thought I had to be in control, to show an outer image which suggested confidence in all situations, in other words, I had to be something I wasn't. I now think more about myself than of myself, I can allow people to love me, to touch me emotionally and physically without feeling any guilt or apprehension.

I no longer feel compelled to join in with the male group boasting about sexual and physical feats, or how I can outdrink someone else, or how much control I have over this or that, I can just be myself and smile quietly to myself in the knowledge that I was finally able to escape into my own world. I don't feel guilty in the respect that others may see me as being deceitful as to who I am, because I'm being honest with myself and living my life as the person which makes me the happiest. There are aspects of being both a female or male which don't exactly excite me, but then having experienced both sides of the fence to some degree I found that the female side fitted me better than the male.

I've made all these physical and behavioural changes voluntarily and my opinion is that there are huge numbers of people who would live a far happier life if they could openly 'mix it up a bit'. I believe there are as many genders as there are people, and I now know that if I'd lived out my life without ever having experienced openly living as a female, then I would have denied myself a degree of happiness beyond what I ever thought possible.

What suits one may never suit another so we can never say anything to do with all this is set in stone. How some women live and think is vastly different from other women and the same applies with males, but I do believe for a number of us there is a mix of both which if found and applied, then leads to a better life, especially with 'the inner person'. We don't have any say whatsoever how we're born and how our genes and chromosomes are based, but we do have control over how we live our life, either as a male, female or whatever else anyone wants to label me.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Absaroka]

Sally that is a very well thought out and expressed post. Thank you.

Absaroka

[Bernice]

Absaroka wrote:

And the sales job-who in their right mind would feel good in such a situation. It's the sort of job most people try to get out of as quickly as possible.

As a three month survivor as a first-time commissioned salesperson - out of sheer desperation to do something to make an income since being laid off from my 17 yr career job, I can certainly empathize with those two statements! I've wondered if it would be any worse if I tried to sell while dressed enfemme. I suspect not, however, my manager would never go for this. He is ultra-conservative.

Why do people treat other people with such utter contempt and disrespect?

Hugs,

Bernice