Worries and Guilt

[Dallas]

I don't know why I've been so depressed about my crossdressing and transgender issues as of late. I suppose It's just that my mom going off to jail again, and me having to live with my homophobic father (not that crossdressing has anything to do with sexuality, but he doesn't know that).

I would like to tell him. And he keeps asking me if something is wrong. But I keep telling him that I'll be fine.

And the shame and guilt man... it's killing me on the inside. Even though I've gone over the biggest hump of excepting myself for who I am, I still feel a little ashamed of my deep rooted desires and feelings.

What should I do man? It's not I'm killing people or robbing banks right... ?

[DonnaT]

If you've accepted yourself, then what about it is killing you inside?

If it's the secrecy, then you may want to tell your dad. Of course, if you're worried he may kick you out of the house, then don't tell him.

If you can't tell him, then tell him you're depressed and think a visit to a psyciatrist (p-doc) may be helpful, then talk it out with the p-doc to find out what you are feeling guilty about.

[Bronny]

dallas...you doing the right thing now.....by staying in touch with the wonderful people here. keep talking and we will keep listening.....we may have advice...its upto you to accept or reject the advice......but stay with us ok.

ps..is that fender strat your playing?

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Dallas,

As Bronny said you have all the people here to talk to when your feeling really down.It sounds as though you have many issues going on in your life at the moment that are causing you great pain.Donna is right in maybe approaching dad about seeing a therapist...it sounds as though he is trying to show compassion,when he asks you what is wrong.
If you can't talk to him perhaps a GP or youth counsellor.

The main hurdle that you have faced is self acceptance..you said you feel as though you accept yourself,so why not turn that feeling into a positive one and direct your energies in setting goals for your future.
Dallas I'm not sure how old you are,but the world ahead will have many bumps,it is how you handle those bumps that will help make the person you are.
I like to think that for every negative there is always a flip side,which is the positive.Feel you dad out,talk to him about gender issues,you never know there just might be a positive outcome for you.


Hugs Penny

[Dallas]

If you've accepted yourself, then what about it is killing you inside?

If it's the secrecy, then you may want to tell your dad. Of course, if you're worried he may kick you out of the house, then don't tell him.

If you can't tell him, then tell him you're depressed and think a visit to a psyciatrist (p-doc) may be helpful, then talk it out with the p-doc to find out what you are feeling guilty about.

Even though I've accepted it, I still a little ashamed about it. It might have just been the way that I was raised; in a homophobic home. Where almost anything out of the ordinary to my parents was considered gay or sin. Which again, any paraphillia such as "Transvestic Fetishism" (crossdressing/transvestism) and "Infantilism" have nothing to do with sexuality, except sexuality of course. And about the sin, I don't believe in a particular religion, just agnostic suites me fine. But they don't know that. No one seems to want to be educated on the matter. They just form their own incorrect ideas on the subject.

But the guilt is comming from me feeling bad about my transgender/crossdressing issues. I've always had these feelings but up until recently I hadn't been outward with them. I always tried to supress them in my mind. I suppose that's why I'm feeling guilty about it. Even though I know that it's not my fault.

dallas...you doing the right thing now.....by staying in touch with the wonderful people here. keep talking and we will keep listening.....we may have advice...its upto you to accept or reject the advice......but stay with us ok.

ps..is that fender strat your playing?

Wow thanks alot! That means so much to me! You guys are always great like that!

And ah, sorta. It's made by Fender. It's a cheaper made Fender Strat called a Fender Squire. It's about $100 cheaper with the same quality in sound and balance.

Hi ya Dallas,

As Bronny said you have all the people here to talk to when your feeling really down.It sounds as though you have many issues going on in your life at the moment that are causing you great pain.Donna is right in maybe approaching dad about seeing a therapist...it sounds as though he is trying to show compassion,when he asks you what is wrong.
If you can't talk to him perhaps a GP or youth counsellor.

The main hurdle that you have faced is self acceptance..you said you feel as though you accept yourself,so why not turn that feeling into a positive one and direct your energies in setting goals for your future.
Dallas I'm not sure how old you are,but the world ahead will have many bumps,it is how you handle those bumps that will help make the person you are.
I like to think that for every negative there is always a flip side,which is the positive.Feel you dad out,talk to him about gender issues,you never know there just might be a positive outcome for you.


Hugs Penny

I do have many issues right now. And the thing is that I really can't talk to him. He probably wouldn't ever talk to me the same way ever again. And maybe a counsellor wouldn't be a bad idea. Ya know?

Yeah, I'm 17 by the way. And I've got a band to worry about. We've got an upcomming show in January. I might get some footage and put it on YouTube.com for you all to see.

And I suppose just starting a conversation about gender issues in general couldn't hurt. Just to ya know see his take on the issue and all.

[Amanda (SO)]

If you feel you need to speak with someone, see if your school has a counciling program. I know the program at my school was a life saver! It's just nice to be able to talk to someone and not have them judge you...

If you're worried about things getting out, councilers are held to a privacy thing, so as long as "it is not harmful to anyone or yourself", they cannot discuss anything you say to them.

[Bronny]

hi dallas....its great your staying in touch. i have a fender jazz bass copy.....real old....real solid sound....130 watt amp......i just love it....

[Dallas]

If you feel you need to speak with someone, see if your school has a counciling program. I know the program at my school was a life saver! It's just nice to be able to talk to someone and not have them judge you...

If you're worried about things getting out, councilers are held to a privacy thing, so as long as "it is not harmful to anyone or yourself", they cannot discuss anything you say to them.

I've considered counciling before. But I'm not too sure about the ones at school. I don't think they've ever had someone come in and ask them about family issues and throw crossdressing into the picture. But maybe I will.

hi dallas....its great your staying in touch. i have a fender jazz bass copy.....real old....real solid sound....130 watt amp......i just love it....

Thanks, I intend on staying in touch too :-) !

Wow, a bass huh? Those are cool. Bass is a very underappreciated art form nowadays. But in out style of rock, grunge, you can hear the bass rifts. And we really like it.

[Bronny]

hi dallas.....yeah...bass rocks!!.....i just love rythmn which is probably why i love industrial techno...trance......

[Absaroka]

Keeping big secrets from your dad could be part of it. Keeping secrets from others because we think they won't like us if they find out is a a big deal also. It's a struggle we all have to deal with and many of us have trouble with it.

My parents were both institutionalized on an involuntary basis a number of times and I always had trouble dealing with that and my feelings about it, even as I welcomed the peace and quiet it brought. The fact that you had to go live with your father rather than chosing to do so and whatever you are feeling about your mom no doubt play a big part in this.

I was furious the last time my dad was institutionalized. I told everyone that I wished he was dead and half convinced I meant it. It still sucked and I was in my mid 20s and living on my own. In my teens when I lived with them it was a lot worse.

Enjoy the band. Remember to let the music tell the truth even if words can't.

Absaroka

[Dallas]

hi dallas.....yeah...bass rocks!!.....i just love rythmn which is probably why i love industrial techno...trance......

Indeed! Techno and bass totally pwn!

Keeping big secrets from your dad could be part of it. Keeping secrets from others because we think they won't like us if they find out is a a big deal also. It's a struggle we all have to deal with and many of us have trouble with it.

My parents were both institutionalized on an involuntary basis a number of times and I always had trouble dealing with that and my feelings about it, even as I welcomed the peace and quiet it brought. The fact that you had to go live with your father rather than chosing to do so and whatever you are feeling about your mom no doubt play a big part in this.

I was furious the last time my dad was institutionalized. I told everyone that I wished he was dead and half convinced I meant it. It still sucked and I was in my mid 20s and living on my own. In my teens when I lived with them it was a lot worse.

Enjoy the band. Remember to let the music tell the truth even if words can't.

Absaroka

I think you've helped me realize what I was feeling shame and guilt from. It is just that, that I feel bad for keeping a secret from him that would otherwise get me kicked out of his house. But I suppose that some secrets are better if they stay undiscovered.

I suppose that we all have troubles, especially in our younger lives. Maybe these aren't the best of times to be going through all of this drama.

But yeah! The band! Our show is in January. I'm so excited! We've dropped some serious cash on our equipment. We're actually good. We're not like those little kid bands who try to play music with third rate equipment. And can't get into sync. We actually have good songs and skill. But I suppose having a guitarist and drummer, whom which have been playing for years helps alot.

[Dallas]

I suppose that we all have troubles, especially in our younger lives. Maybe these aren't the best of times to be going through all of this drama.

Dallas, now at 39, I sincerely wish I had addressed these same issues that you are struggling with when I was 17 - instead I tried to bury them (I admire you for your strength). Yes, these same issues were there, and yes, counseling was available; but I was scared. I didn't know who I could trust. No matter what, under no circumstance could my family know my innermost secrets. Instead, I hid behind pot, cocaine, and alcohol - (I even sold a fantastic Strat copy for a bag of pot - just pennies of its worth). Obviously the drugs and alcohol only compounded my problems, but that's a whole 'nother story.

If you would like to talk in a VERY safe environment, my suggestion would be to confide in a Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) clergy member. If needed, they even know the right professional people that empathize with the struggle and just seem to understand. Just search the web for MCC and you'll find a great resource of help.

Also, on the thought of bass, can you say FLEA?!!

Aeries

So the MCC huh? I'll check it out. I'm not too big on the christianity stuff but I'm sure that, that doesn't matter.

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Dallas,

Set yourself some goals to achieve,for example your band and the show,that is something that obviously lifts you to a very high positive place.
When your not playing and you find yourself feeling as you have,start a diary,record your feelings and thoughts.THis way you maybe able to see what sets your emotions of.Sometimes it might not even be the crossdressing issues that spark it of,but the crossdressing maybe what completes or enhances those feelings,when you have dressed after feeling so low.
ManY cd's actually dress more when going through difficult times.
Could I ask you a question 'When you are feeling very low,do you dress or have the desire to dress ,but do not have the privacy to do so at home.

Hugs Penny

[Dallas]

Hi ya Dallas,

Set yourself some goals to achieve,for example your band and the show,that is something that obviously lifts you to a very high positive place.
When your not playing and you find yourself feeling as you have,start a diary,record your feelings and thoughts.THis way you maybe able to see what sets your emotions of.Sometimes it might not even be the crossdressing issues that spark it of,but the crossdressing maybe what completes or enhances those feelings,when you have dressed after feeling so low.
ManY cd's actually dress more when going through difficult times.
Could I ask you a question 'When you are feeling very low,do you dress or have the desire to dress ,but do not have the privacy to do so at home.

Hugs Penny

Oh yeah! Definately music is my main passion in life. Possibly... the more my dad drinks and all the other stuff... it like overwhelms me.

But I don't get to dress often cuz I don't really own anything. My sister is going to let me borrow one of her skirts tomarrow though. She says she wants me to wear to school. But I don't know about that !

I was thinking about ordering a plaid mini skirt on HotTopic.com. The best place for gothic apparel. Well... I do have black and white striped leg warmers that would look good comming out under a skirt.

Here's the URL:

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/store/ ... 3401481165