As long as I can remember I have had to edit what I say and feel so that others would be comfortable and happy.To this day,and even when posting on this forum I feel like I need to put other peoples feelings ahead of my own.I want to change that so I will try here by trying to get out what I really feel inside.
Only since my divorce,since I have been alone do I feel like my life is my own.I am still not sure if that is better or not,time will tell.I realize how important other peoples feelings are.I try my best to respect them,but I am realizing that my own feelings are important also.They are neccesary,I need to acknowledge them and become who I am.the person that has been buried for so long.
I really like being a man.I enjoy cars and tools and other manly man stuff.On the other hand I also love being Jennifer.I like shoes and jewelry just as much as any G.G would.The sight of an emerald or diamond brings up the same emotions in me as chrome and paint do.I love the smell of perfume on me just as much as the smell of a car burning high octane fuel or burning rubber. It amazes me how easy it is to be either one,it comes very naturally for me.Sometimes I would like to know why that is. I find it is like trying to mix water and oil.Both are good but it is hard to get a smooth mix.I think this is where most of my difficulties come from.I almost envy the ones who are transexual.They dont have to try to get the mix right,I do realize though that their pain is as great as any others.I applaud any one with the strength to be themselves whatever the cost. I know in my heart that being one OR the other is wrong for me.I need to be both to be one.
I find by being alone that this is easier,at least to a point.
Being myself is easier when I am alone but the lonliness can be overpowering.So I try to mix water and oil once again.Trying to find the right mix of being me and the want of company.As Jeff this is easier,people seem to be ok with me as long as I edit my feelings.The thing is ,and I cant explain it,but as Jennifer I also would like human contact.I have tried,but it seems to cause a lot of problems for the few I have told.So I crawl back into the closet and queitly shut the door.After seeing the look of disappointment from peoples faces the closet seems to be a safe and almost comfortable place
That brings me back to looking out for other peoples feelings more than my own.I guess I will keep going round and round until I find a way and the strength to break free, and be myself at all times.
Thoughts
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
-
Jennifer M
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:04 pm
- Location: Upstate New York
Thoughts
Understand the voice within
-
JoAnnDallas
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 992
- Joined: Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:59 pm
- Location: Fairfax, VA
- Contact:
Good posting. I find it helps to let it all out sometimes. BTW, have you looked around to see if there is a CD support group near you, like Tri-Ess? I was able to join the Dallas Tri-Ess and it has been wonderful for me. I have made some great friends and when we get together, they make me feel warm and wanted.
-
DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
You know, you can be both.
I know someone in Ohio, for example, that spends time as both. For example, she's a member of a reading/book group. It just so happens that it's a woman's reading/book group. She fits in.
Yet Ohio is one of the most conservative states when it comes to LDBT issues.
You just have to decide that that is what you need. That it's OK to be Jeff or Jennifer. And don't guess at what others may be feeling or thinking. Be yourself.
I know someone in Ohio, for example, that spends time as both. For example, she's a member of a reading/book group. It just so happens that it's a woman's reading/book group. She fits in.
Yet Ohio is one of the most conservative states when it comes to LDBT issues.
You just have to decide that that is what you need. That it's OK to be Jeff or Jennifer. And don't guess at what others may be feeling or thinking. Be yourself.
DonnaT
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Hi Jennifer. As Donna just posted, you don't have to limit your interests in cars and stuff just because you like being like a woman too. There was a show set in England that had people building all kinds of strange and weird automotive things, trucks and so forth, and one of the primary crewperson was a M2F woman who was also a single amputee. They made no big deal about it, and she was depended on, for her knowledge and abilities. I also know GGs who race motorcycles, work as mechanics, and one that builds race cars along with her husband (when she isn't being a lawyer).
You seem to think that if you are TS or being a CD then you can't do those things, but I assure you, that is very wrong. One person in our support group (M2F) drives trucks for a living and rebuilds pickups and Mustangs for fun. Not everyone gives up whatever they did as a male when they transitioned, and I see no reason that it should be any different if you are a CD. I will admit it is possible that some TSs have had hobbies that were ways to duck the reality of our existences that one might lose interest in when you transition --I certainly did -- and you can become so obsessive while you get yourself together that you lose your interests. But, usually, you find new ones or even take up old ones once you are straigtened out. Me, I could barely change the oil or a tire in my car, in spite of my father's best efforts. That hasn't changed a whit!!
But I still like building miniatures (my substitute for doll houses when I had to be HIM) and painting tiny figures for war games.
The lonliness, well, I have nothing I can say about that. I know it well though I have lived most of my life alone for various reasons and should be used to it. I guess you need to find an understanding partner and maybe find new friends, and no, I sure cannot give you any hints about how you do that!! Talk to Virginia and SilverLady?
You seem to think that if you are TS or being a CD then you can't do those things, but I assure you, that is very wrong. One person in our support group (M2F) drives trucks for a living and rebuilds pickups and Mustangs for fun. Not everyone gives up whatever they did as a male when they transitioned, and I see no reason that it should be any different if you are a CD. I will admit it is possible that some TSs have had hobbies that were ways to duck the reality of our existences that one might lose interest in when you transition --I certainly did -- and you can become so obsessive while you get yourself together that you lose your interests. But, usually, you find new ones or even take up old ones once you are straigtened out. Me, I could barely change the oil or a tire in my car, in spite of my father's best efforts. That hasn't changed a whit!!
But I still like building miniatures (my substitute for doll houses when I had to be HIM) and painting tiny figures for war games.The lonliness, well, I have nothing I can say about that. I know it well though I have lived most of my life alone for various reasons and should be used to it. I guess you need to find an understanding partner and maybe find new friends, and no, I sure cannot give you any hints about how you do that!! Talk to Virginia and SilverLady?
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Jennifer M
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:04 pm
- Location: Upstate New York
As far as support groups go the closest one was 150 miles away.I heard that it has broken up due to internal conflicts.
I do let myself be Jennifer.I know its an important part of who I am.Living in such a small town there is no place for me to go out as her.Being into cars as I am doesnt help much as everything I drive is easily indentifiable.I did go to Albany frequently before the divorce.That was before my confidence left me.I am working on getting it back.
I am always trying to make new friends .I try to gauge how they feel about gender issues before I try to tell them about me.Most of the time their reactions are negative.Its tough being alone but I dont want or need friends that only want to know half of me.At least I am stubborn and keep trying.Sometimes it just helps letting others know that I am having a bad day.
I do let myself be Jennifer.I know its an important part of who I am.Living in such a small town there is no place for me to go out as her.Being into cars as I am doesnt help much as everything I drive is easily indentifiable.I did go to Albany frequently before the divorce.That was before my confidence left me.I am working on getting it back.
I am always trying to make new friends .I try to gauge how they feel about gender issues before I try to tell them about me.Most of the time their reactions are negative.Its tough being alone but I dont want or need friends that only want to know half of me.At least I am stubborn and keep trying.Sometimes it just helps letting others know that I am having a bad day.
Understand the voice within
-
Carla L
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 478
- Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:58 pm
- Location: Michigan
- Contact:
Hi Jennifer,
I can relate to what you are saying. I am also living in a very conservative town, but it is large enough that I can get out once in a while, and be Carla.
I also love my tools, working and building things, working on the car, but I am just as at home in a dress and window shopping at the mall now. I am lucky in the respect I am passable and the town is large enough to get away with it. I also yearn to tell others about me, but from the postings I've seen in the forum, yours included, I think this is not wise. So, when I go out it is by myself. My daughter has expressed a desire to go shopping with me, but I've kind of tried it, shopping with her while I am dressed as dad. Didn't feel right, so I am glad I never dressed and went out with her.
The only 'guy' I told is my brother. I seem to share when they are going through a tragedy themselves, thinking that my own issues would not be so grave and would make them feel like we all have issues. I don't know if that is a great way to look at it, but I've done it and been accepted when I have. My brother accepts it and even offered to go out shopping with me sometime.
Still I yearn to tell someone else. Someone I can be friends with and who will accept me. I get that here, but I really want to talk to someone. Go to a movie, go to a dinner, be friends. The city, being conservative, does not seem to offer that. From what I found, the one group that was here just broke up.
Thank you for you posting, and your feelings do matter.
I can relate to what you are saying. I am also living in a very conservative town, but it is large enough that I can get out once in a while, and be Carla.
I also love my tools, working and building things, working on the car, but I am just as at home in a dress and window shopping at the mall now. I am lucky in the respect I am passable and the town is large enough to get away with it. I also yearn to tell others about me, but from the postings I've seen in the forum, yours included, I think this is not wise. So, when I go out it is by myself. My daughter has expressed a desire to go shopping with me, but I've kind of tried it, shopping with her while I am dressed as dad. Didn't feel right, so I am glad I never dressed and went out with her.
The only 'guy' I told is my brother. I seem to share when they are going through a tragedy themselves, thinking that my own issues would not be so grave and would make them feel like we all have issues. I don't know if that is a great way to look at it, but I've done it and been accepted when I have. My brother accepts it and even offered to go out shopping with me sometime.
Still I yearn to tell someone else. Someone I can be friends with and who will accept me. I get that here, but I really want to talk to someone. Go to a movie, go to a dinner, be friends. The city, being conservative, does not seem to offer that. From what I found, the one group that was here just broke up.
Thank you for you posting, and your feelings do matter.
Huggs,
Carla
Carla
-
Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Hi Jennifer,
Not that I want you to identify where you are from, but Cooperstown, Bouckville, Onenonta, Oneida, Cherry Hill, Bath, then you look at the larger towns Syracuse, Rochester, Albany. If you are near any of the universities, they always have LBGT support groups, and yes they are kids, but like us they are mostly smart kids. The internet is one very useful tool, by putting in the particular school and going through their website they can give you information on the various clubs and groups and usually websites for the groups. Don't know how far you are from Albany, but I am sure they have clubs there that cater to "us." Again, Tri-Ess sometimes lists "local" TG friendly restaurants and clubs and then you have to talk to the people there, the bartender or the manager or owner and see who they know and if they know any existing groups.
You saw our posts on both the Equality Virginia meeting that we attended as well at the Triad Pride Festival. From where we are, Richmond is about 3 1/2 hours away, and Greensboro is only an hour and a half. The local GLTB bar/nightclub in Roanoke is safe and crowded, is open three nights a week but until they are able to do something about the cigarette smoke - this gal won't be going back.
I guess the bottom line is you just have to use an old sports adage, "suck it up and go!" Use your computer to seek out TG friendly places and yes you may have to go "out of town" so to speak, but then you find out things and when there are festivals or meetings or even political rallies, call the organizers, tell them you are CD and you want to volunteer to help and all kinds of doors open to you!!!!! They love volunteers and when you hang that badge around your neck that says "Volunteer" it is amazing the doors that can open. You can go en drab or en-femme, to them it makes no difference, and you meet some of the nicest people.
Don't know what you do for a living, but if Jennifer has a bearing on who or what you are or do locally then you realize that and unless you are very independent probably having Jennifer in their face may not be the best thing, that is something you will have to decide.
We appreciate Carolyn's referencing SL and I but our relationship was, well we have tried to categorize it and it will not be defined as to how it all came together like it did. Really makes one think that some higher power is at work.
You always have us - your sorority sisters here and we don't mind a bit if you vent or cry or seek solace or just share. We are all in this together and you are our sister and we want to help however we can. Please keep us posted as you continue your own "Magical Mystery Tour."
Love ya,
Virginia
Not that I want you to identify where you are from, but Cooperstown, Bouckville, Onenonta, Oneida, Cherry Hill, Bath, then you look at the larger towns Syracuse, Rochester, Albany. If you are near any of the universities, they always have LBGT support groups, and yes they are kids, but like us they are mostly smart kids. The internet is one very useful tool, by putting in the particular school and going through their website they can give you information on the various clubs and groups and usually websites for the groups. Don't know how far you are from Albany, but I am sure they have clubs there that cater to "us." Again, Tri-Ess sometimes lists "local" TG friendly restaurants and clubs and then you have to talk to the people there, the bartender or the manager or owner and see who they know and if they know any existing groups.
You saw our posts on both the Equality Virginia meeting that we attended as well at the Triad Pride Festival. From where we are, Richmond is about 3 1/2 hours away, and Greensboro is only an hour and a half. The local GLTB bar/nightclub in Roanoke is safe and crowded, is open three nights a week but until they are able to do something about the cigarette smoke - this gal won't be going back.
I guess the bottom line is you just have to use an old sports adage, "suck it up and go!" Use your computer to seek out TG friendly places and yes you may have to go "out of town" so to speak, but then you find out things and when there are festivals or meetings or even political rallies, call the organizers, tell them you are CD and you want to volunteer to help and all kinds of doors open to you!!!!! They love volunteers and when you hang that badge around your neck that says "Volunteer" it is amazing the doors that can open. You can go en drab or en-femme, to them it makes no difference, and you meet some of the nicest people.
Don't know what you do for a living, but if Jennifer has a bearing on who or what you are or do locally then you realize that and unless you are very independent probably having Jennifer in their face may not be the best thing, that is something you will have to decide.
We appreciate Carolyn's referencing SL and I but our relationship was, well we have tried to categorize it and it will not be defined as to how it all came together like it did. Really makes one think that some higher power is at work.
You always have us - your sorority sisters here and we don't mind a bit if you vent or cry or seek solace or just share. We are all in this together and you are our sister and we want to help however we can. Please keep us posted as you continue your own "Magical Mystery Tour."
Love ya,
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
-
Tekla
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 243
- Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:21 pm
- Location: San Fran Bay Area
I don't think its all that unique to edit what you say to people, particularly if you want to ever talk to them again. However, if you are like me, just fire all the guns at once and let the chips fall where they may, just remember, despite all the calls for honesty, people really hate it and call it mean when they get fresh truth served to them piping hot. For my part I'm not interested in anyone who can't take it, or give it. So it acts like a filter in my life for people I really don't want to know, or don't want around me.
The people who don't mind you being honest, are the ones who are least likely to care. And that's about all I want. Just don't care, take a notion of "your misfortune and none of my own" like I do, and all will be cool.
So I'm left with some pretty ruthlessly honest people, who are a bit rough and tumble - and there is a huge need to be able to do a give and take. That goes for the males I know and the CDs too. My girls and me call ourselves "The Wrecking Crew" and there is no place we don't think we can go when we are together. When some tourist from Omaha want's to take our picture because we are all eating out together, well, you can cringe from shame or embarrassment - or you can strike the pose. Believe me, the second way is much better. More fun too. And heck, I'm sure it makes for better photos in the Omaha album of "Our Trip to San Francisco." Just being local color and all.
And hey, who says you can't do both? Barbie has her DreamCar, and since Ken ain't got a set, I'm sure Barbie changes her own oil - and looks ever so cute with that grease smudge on her nose.
I love to do staging. Love it more than just about anything else (except dressing and sex) so I found a way to do it all. I stage these 'alternative parties' in SF that are on the kinky side - OK, they are way over that edge, still. I have the chance to dress, to watch and enjoy, and on occasion even participate - all the while while doing lights, sound, rigging and walking around in a very short skirt with a tool belt and my Makitia screw-gun. I don't make much (if any) money from it. Who cares? I have a great time, I've met lots of nice people - and even better, lots of not-so-nice girls - and I'm out doing what I do.
So there is no way I feel any less like Tekla if I'm doing rigging or using power tools. No way my male side is any less macho when I'm wearing my pink sox and VS panties. Either way, I'm still pretty much the same. The same kind of people like me, the same kind of people don't like me, male or female.
I guess I would have to ask, "Where is your tribe?" Who are you connected with? I went through a very painful divorce, and it was my tribe that pulled me through. And, having come out the other end, I have a better life than I ever did before. But they looked out for me, they knew me, and I knew them - the good stuff, bad stuff and the things we didn't even want to remember.
But I understood at an early age that it was up to me to create my community. Luckily, I had help - lots of it.
Its never too late to do that.
Given that, I guess I should say what I feel too.
A. Put on your big girl panties, pull them up, and get on with it. So, you have an ex-wife. Join the majority of the male population then. They got over it, so can you. Many will be happy to tell you that "love is so much better, the second time around." Those that will not, will tell you third time is the charm.
B. Find something to do and do it. Do it as Jeff, or as Jenn. I serve dinners to the homeless as Tekla, I do outreach and training for local TG groups as Tekla. I try to take advantage - rank advantage if I can - and I do all sorts of LBGT stuff, so I go the Giants baseball games as Tekla, march in parades as Tekla, participate in various group meetings. Go for it. And I started doing the homeless dinners when I thought I was at my rock bottom, when I felt I could not go on anymore, when I thought things could never get worse. First thing I found out was yes, they can get worse and I was looking at it. Second, I had to think, perhaps its not all that bad. It was a critical first step back.
I also do some stuff in male mode, teach reading to inmates in our prisons, organize and lobby for my union, do career day lectures at high schools.
And some things, research at libraries, book shopping, playing my guitar, writing does not matter how I'm dressed so I do it in what ever mode my mood is in that day.
C. Take a class. Not get a degree, but just a class you might be interested in. Its amazing how many people I know who went back to school for something to do, as a way to meet people and found out - that like love - somethings are better the second time around. I have a friend who takes classes and gets nothing but "A"s, which he could never do the first time - he barely made 'C's. Colleges tend to be pretty liberal places also. Its a good place to meet people, most have some sort of LBGT deal too that you could use to meet people.
D. Can you even imagine how many low-income women need basic auto work done, and can't do it themselves? I bet there is an agency that could help you find some of them. Heck, take out an ad, might even be a couple of well off women who could use a handy guy around once in a while. God knows I hear from all of them I know, because I know how to use tools, and I have my own. So everything from fixing a door or window to washers and dryers gets a phone call to my number. People are much more accepting if you are helping them. Heck, some of the girls have given me some pretty nice things.
E. Despite the number of people (mostly married) who decry the lack of of GGs who are interested in them, I would disagree. Happy are the people who meet each others kinks and or perversions. Or at least those who can be GGG. Find organizations and events that cater to the wild side of life. I met my GF in a tranny chat room. I've met others at the parties I work. Considering some of what I've seen, I'm pretty mild. You don't have to justify you time, or tell anyone where you are going anymore. Take advantage of it and go.
F. Move. Look you can't be a cowboy in mid-town Manhattan, and you can't surf in Kansas. Sometimes you have to go to where it is you want, or need, to be. Moving is a huge industry in the USA because people are moving all the time. Perhaps you should think about it, or look into it. There is no penalty for at least checking it out.
I know I'm so much more at peace with myself, and happy in San Francisco then I ever was in Iowa. Sure, rents are way high. Because its built on sand dunes it is a little dirty, so what? Who cares? I love it, and it loves me back. Aside from all the things to do that I like, and that no one cares what gender I dress as - such as art galleries, museums, the opera, symphony and ballet (the only time I wear heels is to the last three) I also love that I can walk for miles along the bay in total safety, even at 3, 4 5-am, the Golden Gate Bridge is never more beautiful than at sunrise. (And, no I don't have insomnia, I get off work at like 2 or 3, and the bus does not start till 6:30 - so I change clothes and stroll and take pictures.
To make people like Virginia happy, we were among the first places in the US to ban smoking in bars and restaurants, and offices, eventually all indoor places, and now even in some parks (OK, we don't know when to stop). To keep the smokers like me happy, yes, you have to go outside to smoke - but you can smoke pretty much whatever you like, all the West Coast states, and Arizona have opted out of the federal war on marijuana, and you can get a medical card and all is cool.
And I know people who are shy, who have trouble meeting people, and I know a lot of people who don't - the difference is the second group got over it. I'm just as afraid, scared or whatever about meeting people, I just don't give into it.
Bottom line, you have to do it yourself. Put yourself out, take yourself out, be yourself - people will respond. If not one, then the next one, and the next one. I have a life full of friends, more than I need, and at times more than I even want, and they all come from me being me. OK, some did not like me, I can live with that. And I have to live with the ones that do. Fair trade off.
The people who don't mind you being honest, are the ones who are least likely to care. And that's about all I want. Just don't care, take a notion of "your misfortune and none of my own" like I do, and all will be cool.
So I'm left with some pretty ruthlessly honest people, who are a bit rough and tumble - and there is a huge need to be able to do a give and take. That goes for the males I know and the CDs too. My girls and me call ourselves "The Wrecking Crew" and there is no place we don't think we can go when we are together. When some tourist from Omaha want's to take our picture because we are all eating out together, well, you can cringe from shame or embarrassment - or you can strike the pose. Believe me, the second way is much better. More fun too. And heck, I'm sure it makes for better photos in the Omaha album of "Our Trip to San Francisco." Just being local color and all.
And hey, who says you can't do both? Barbie has her DreamCar, and since Ken ain't got a set, I'm sure Barbie changes her own oil - and looks ever so cute with that grease smudge on her nose.
I love to do staging. Love it more than just about anything else (except dressing and sex) so I found a way to do it all. I stage these 'alternative parties' in SF that are on the kinky side - OK, they are way over that edge, still. I have the chance to dress, to watch and enjoy, and on occasion even participate - all the while while doing lights, sound, rigging and walking around in a very short skirt with a tool belt and my Makitia screw-gun. I don't make much (if any) money from it. Who cares? I have a great time, I've met lots of nice people - and even better, lots of not-so-nice girls - and I'm out doing what I do.
So there is no way I feel any less like Tekla if I'm doing rigging or using power tools. No way my male side is any less macho when I'm wearing my pink sox and VS panties. Either way, I'm still pretty much the same. The same kind of people like me, the same kind of people don't like me, male or female.
I guess I would have to ask, "Where is your tribe?" Who are you connected with? I went through a very painful divorce, and it was my tribe that pulled me through. And, having come out the other end, I have a better life than I ever did before. But they looked out for me, they knew me, and I knew them - the good stuff, bad stuff and the things we didn't even want to remember.
But I understood at an early age that it was up to me to create my community. Luckily, I had help - lots of it.
Its never too late to do that.
Given that, I guess I should say what I feel too.
A. Put on your big girl panties, pull them up, and get on with it. So, you have an ex-wife. Join the majority of the male population then. They got over it, so can you. Many will be happy to tell you that "love is so much better, the second time around." Those that will not, will tell you third time is the charm.
B. Find something to do and do it. Do it as Jeff, or as Jenn. I serve dinners to the homeless as Tekla, I do outreach and training for local TG groups as Tekla. I try to take advantage - rank advantage if I can - and I do all sorts of LBGT stuff, so I go the Giants baseball games as Tekla, march in parades as Tekla, participate in various group meetings. Go for it. And I started doing the homeless dinners when I thought I was at my rock bottom, when I felt I could not go on anymore, when I thought things could never get worse. First thing I found out was yes, they can get worse and I was looking at it. Second, I had to think, perhaps its not all that bad. It was a critical first step back.
I also do some stuff in male mode, teach reading to inmates in our prisons, organize and lobby for my union, do career day lectures at high schools.
And some things, research at libraries, book shopping, playing my guitar, writing does not matter how I'm dressed so I do it in what ever mode my mood is in that day.
C. Take a class. Not get a degree, but just a class you might be interested in. Its amazing how many people I know who went back to school for something to do, as a way to meet people and found out - that like love - somethings are better the second time around. I have a friend who takes classes and gets nothing but "A"s, which he could never do the first time - he barely made 'C's. Colleges tend to be pretty liberal places also. Its a good place to meet people, most have some sort of LBGT deal too that you could use to meet people.
D. Can you even imagine how many low-income women need basic auto work done, and can't do it themselves? I bet there is an agency that could help you find some of them. Heck, take out an ad, might even be a couple of well off women who could use a handy guy around once in a while. God knows I hear from all of them I know, because I know how to use tools, and I have my own. So everything from fixing a door or window to washers and dryers gets a phone call to my number. People are much more accepting if you are helping them. Heck, some of the girls have given me some pretty nice things.
E. Despite the number of people (mostly married) who decry the lack of of GGs who are interested in them, I would disagree. Happy are the people who meet each others kinks and or perversions. Or at least those who can be GGG. Find organizations and events that cater to the wild side of life. I met my GF in a tranny chat room. I've met others at the parties I work. Considering some of what I've seen, I'm pretty mild. You don't have to justify you time, or tell anyone where you are going anymore. Take advantage of it and go.
F. Move. Look you can't be a cowboy in mid-town Manhattan, and you can't surf in Kansas. Sometimes you have to go to where it is you want, or need, to be. Moving is a huge industry in the USA because people are moving all the time. Perhaps you should think about it, or look into it. There is no penalty for at least checking it out.
I know I'm so much more at peace with myself, and happy in San Francisco then I ever was in Iowa. Sure, rents are way high. Because its built on sand dunes it is a little dirty, so what? Who cares? I love it, and it loves me back. Aside from all the things to do that I like, and that no one cares what gender I dress as - such as art galleries, museums, the opera, symphony and ballet (the only time I wear heels is to the last three) I also love that I can walk for miles along the bay in total safety, even at 3, 4 5-am, the Golden Gate Bridge is never more beautiful than at sunrise. (And, no I don't have insomnia, I get off work at like 2 or 3, and the bus does not start till 6:30 - so I change clothes and stroll and take pictures.
To make people like Virginia happy, we were among the first places in the US to ban smoking in bars and restaurants, and offices, eventually all indoor places, and now even in some parks (OK, we don't know when to stop). To keep the smokers like me happy, yes, you have to go outside to smoke - but you can smoke pretty much whatever you like, all the West Coast states, and Arizona have opted out of the federal war on marijuana, and you can get a medical card and all is cool.
And I know people who are shy, who have trouble meeting people, and I know a lot of people who don't - the difference is the second group got over it. I'm just as afraid, scared or whatever about meeting people, I just don't give into it.
Bottom line, you have to do it yourself. Put yourself out, take yourself out, be yourself - people will respond. If not one, then the next one, and the next one. I have a life full of friends, more than I need, and at times more than I even want, and they all come from me being me. OK, some did not like me, I can live with that. And I have to live with the ones that do. Fair trade off.
-
Jennifer M
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:04 pm
- Location: Upstate New York
For the most part I am not unhappy with my life.Yes,Jennifer does need to be hidden for now and yes that does cause some problems.Nothing I cant handle now that I have some support from this great group of people.
I live in the Adirondack Park near Lake Placid.It is a beautiful place to be.I know if I moved I would have an easier time of it but I dont want to leave the mountains.My choice,I live with it.
The point of the original post was to look inside myself,figure out how I feel and then write it down.I am trying to get to a higher level of self acceptance,this was just one step.It looks like I have a way to go yet and I will keep at it.I have actually come a long way in a short time.
I am not bitter about my divorce,it was a difficult time but I hold no grudges.
I live in the Adirondack Park near Lake Placid.It is a beautiful place to be.I know if I moved I would have an easier time of it but I dont want to leave the mountains.My choice,I live with it.
The point of the original post was to look inside myself,figure out how I feel and then write it down.I am trying to get to a higher level of self acceptance,this was just one step.It looks like I have a way to go yet and I will keep at it.I have actually come a long way in a short time.
I am not bitter about my divorce,it was a difficult time but I hold no grudges.
Understand the voice within
-
Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
Does Jennifer enjoy hiking, canoeing and that sort of thing? There was another member here, Susann Gardner, who used to hike and ski at least partly enfemme. And I've run into folks in the mountains wearing nothing at all except hiking boots and socks.
If you can't be yourself alone in the wilderness where can you be yourself? Although I confine my enfemme walks in the woods to strolls where I am sure I'll be alone, I'd love to wake up in my sleeping bag under a tree in my lingerie and if weren't for arthritic knees I would probably have done so a number of times.
Absaroka
If you can't be yourself alone in the wilderness where can you be yourself? Although I confine my enfemme walks in the woods to strolls where I am sure I'll be alone, I'd love to wake up in my sleeping bag under a tree in my lingerie and if weren't for arthritic knees I would probably have done so a number of times.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
-
Jennifer M
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:04 pm
- Location: Upstate New York
Hi Absaroka,
I am an indoor girl,shopping,dinner ,things like that.I just need to find the confidence to go back to Albany and spend the weekend.I still dress once or twice a week, but it is in private.
I did step outside (as Jennifer) today but a car came by and I bolted back inside.Guess I am not quite there yet.
I am an indoor girl,shopping,dinner ,things like that.I just need to find the confidence to go back to Albany and spend the weekend.I still dress once or twice a week, but it is in private.
I did step outside (as Jennifer) today but a car came by and I bolted back inside.Guess I am not quite there yet.
Understand the voice within
-
Tekla
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 243
- Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:21 pm
- Location: San Fran Bay Area
Well, Lake Placid, I can groove on that, I spend a couple months a year up at Lake Tahoe, so I'm game to the mountain deal, at least while the slopes are open or when I can climb.
And its good to think about your life, and to rethink you life from time to time also. Not enough people do. They begin to trudge through the days assuming that because its been like this for so long, it will be like this forever. For better or worse that is rarely true - and when change comes, as it does - well chance favors the prepared mind.
If you are not bitter about the divorce, then you hit the lottery.
So, my next suggestion is to arrange a vacation to do something like Southern Comfort, or Fantasia Fair in R.I. or some other week long event where you can be Jenn, meet other people of similar mind, and kick back. I've never done one - of course every day in the City is like Fantasia Fair - but I see lots of good reports about them.
And, of course, if folks from NYC can spend long weekends in Lake Placid, you can return the favor. Maybe even find someone to swap places with for a week. I know people who do that and it seems to work out well for them.
A word of caution however. As good as this group is (or any web site/forum) its still not real, and real is always better in so many ways, and cyber can not replace it. Get your groove back and do Albany (funny how state capitols have so much 'alt-culture' stuff going on, could it be that state governments are basically sewers of corruption?) from time to time.
And keep working at it, keep posting your thoughts, keep reading the comments, some might help now, other later, some not at all - hey, maybe it is like real life. Growth only comes when we work at it.
And its good to think about your life, and to rethink you life from time to time also. Not enough people do. They begin to trudge through the days assuming that because its been like this for so long, it will be like this forever. For better or worse that is rarely true - and when change comes, as it does - well chance favors the prepared mind.
If you are not bitter about the divorce, then you hit the lottery.
So, my next suggestion is to arrange a vacation to do something like Southern Comfort, or Fantasia Fair in R.I. or some other week long event where you can be Jenn, meet other people of similar mind, and kick back. I've never done one - of course every day in the City is like Fantasia Fair - but I see lots of good reports about them.
And, of course, if folks from NYC can spend long weekends in Lake Placid, you can return the favor. Maybe even find someone to swap places with for a week. I know people who do that and it seems to work out well for them.
A word of caution however. As good as this group is (or any web site/forum) its still not real, and real is always better in so many ways, and cyber can not replace it. Get your groove back and do Albany (funny how state capitols have so much 'alt-culture' stuff going on, could it be that state governments are basically sewers of corruption?) from time to time.
And keep working at it, keep posting your thoughts, keep reading the comments, some might help now, other later, some not at all - hey, maybe it is like real life. Growth only comes when we work at it.