THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Carolynn]

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School .

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.

One little boy said,

'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?

'Sure,' said the Janitor
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, One at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked the others,

'What religion do you think we are?'

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'

'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?! '

They all joined in asking,

'Yeah! What do you think that means?'




'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

[SilverLady(SO)]

REDNECK VASECTOMY

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[Caith]

Ohhhhhh you're gonna get it, now SL

[Carolynn]

A toad was telling his friend the owl that he had a "problem" that needed fixing.

"What's the problem?" asked the owl.

"My dick is yellow?"

"What? Your dick is yellow?"

"Yes, don't laugh."

"You need to see the Lizard of OZ!"

"Where do I find him?"

"Go down the path thru the trees, over the hill and around the bend. You should see his castle in the distance."

"OK...it's worth a shot.".....and off the toad went.

The owl looked around and saw a spider with a limp.

"What's the matter, spider?"

"Got tangled in my web, sprained my leg. What should I do?"

"You need to see the Lizard of Oz! He can help!"

"Where do I find the Lizard of Oz?"

"Well.....If you hurry, you can follow the yellow dick toad!"

[Carolynn]

An old couple are sitting on their front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying the day when all of the sudden the old lady knocked the old man out of his chair with her walking cane.

The old man got back up and sat in his chair and started rocking again, a few minutes later he says........."Maw, what'd you hit me for?"

"All them years of bad sex you been giving me" she said

A few minutes later the old man knocked the old lady out of her chair with his walking cane.

The old woman got back up and sat in her chair and started rocking again, a few minutes later she says........."Paw, what'd you hit me for?"

"For knowing the dang difference"

[Carolynn]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[Carolynn]

A couple is married for twenty years, always having sex with the lights off.
One night after sex, the wife gets thirsty, and when she snaps on the bedside lamp, she catches her husband putting away a strap on marital aid.
"Hey," she says. "What's with the dildo?"
He stares at her for a moment, shrugs, and asks "What's up with the kids?"

[SilverLady(SO)]

Old Man and the Marine

One sunny day in 2008, an old Man approached the White House from Pennsylvania Avenue, where he had been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and speak with President Hillary Clinton.' The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not president and does not reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton,' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the president and does not reside here.' The old man thanked him again and walked away.

The next day, the same man approached the same marine and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been asking to speak with Mrs. Clinton. I've told you that Mrs. Clinton is not the president and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man replied, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing the answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, 'See you tomorrow!!'

[DonnaT]

[Carolynn]

A bear walks into the a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry we don't server Alcoholic bears here!"

Bear gets angry and starts to show his teeth at the bartender and try again to order a beer. The bartender says " We don't serve Angry Alcoholic Bears here!"

The bear gets enraged and gabs the woman next to him and eats her whole.

When he is done he gets into the bartenders face and orders his beer. The bartender says "We don't server Angry Alcoholic Drug Using Bears here!"

The bear steps back and is hurt by the bartenders statement. The bear says "I may be Angry and Alcoholic but I DO NOT use Drugs!"

The bartender replies "that was a bar bitch you ate!"

Well, it is the bad jokes thread, isn't it????

[Lydia]

What's a transister?

A priest in nun's habit.

Bad enough?

Lydia

[Carolynn]

Oh yeah! That could be a difficult habit for him to change, huh!!

[Carolynn]

A large ship with a cargo of Red paint collided at sea with a equally large ship carrying blue paint.



All the sailors got marooned.


(My grand-nephew, who then asked what did maroon look like?)

[Carolynn]

So, this man is rather upset and talking to his priest.

"Father," he says, "I am almost certain my wife is trying to poison me. I know she bought poison and has been trying to get me to eat things she will not touch."

The priest pats him on the shoulder reassuringly, and says, "Lad, don't worry, I'm sure you are just imagining things. Wait here and I will have a word with her."

Later he comes to the man. "Lad, I have just spent three hours talking to your wife. My advice, take the poison".

Ta DA DUMM!!!!

[Carolynn]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend who knew he was a rabid golfer who never let anything stop his play, says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well, Mildred was a wonderful wife and caring mother for the last 35 years. It's the least I could do."