Sophie your post was very disturbing and reading through the thread again made it even more so. Your wife will need a lot more than on line mental health forums and vitamins to deal with suicidal depression and DID. The suicidal stuff seems pretty real. You haven't mentioned the DID again. Is that for real or something someone just threw at her? You could ask Amelie about it-she knows more about it.
She probably doesn't need the stress of going out with you dressed right now, even if she is trying to do it to be supportive of you. You probably need to put her needs first at this time. I realize there is a lot of emotional stuff going on with you as well but at the moment you have bigger issues to contend with.
Whe you see your shrink on Tuesday please be brutally honest with him/her, especially with how your wife seems to be hanging on by her fingernails. If you are living in Spain and she doesn't speak Spanish her isolation makes things even more frightening.
Of course there are lots of people who use suicide as a form of manipulation. I've known a few and avoid them at all costs. But even so it is a measure of how desperate they are.
It's a total myth by the way that folks who talk about wanting to die or about killing themselves don't do it. Lots of those people are dead now.
Abaroka
Help and advice please what am I?
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Sophie-W
- Miss Crystal Goddess
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- Location: Spain
Abaroka I know that my wife is not trying to manipulate me. A few weeks ago she had planed what she was going to do, she has told me after the event. We were going out at night, she said that she tried to make the night as normal as possible. When we got back I took the dogs out, she took a very big dosage of Valium and sleeping pills. When I came back in , she said that she was just waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in, and for me to go to bed has she wouldn't be long. I went to bed, then thought that I had better check to see that the back door was locked. When I went into the room where my wife was she was unconscious, she had started writing a letter to her mum saying how sorry she was.
At the hospital I was told that see was in a very bad way, and was in a coma. I sat in the waiting room with my wife's jewellery crying. We have never heard of DID before, the psychiatrist diagnosed this . My wife explained everything about how she felt.
At the hospital I was told that see was in a very bad way, and was in a coma. I sat in the waiting room with my wife's jewellery crying. We have never heard of DID before, the psychiatrist diagnosed this . My wife explained everything about how she felt.
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Absaroka
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I am astonished that a shrink would diagnose someone with DID and not do followup, even without the suicidal actions. Talk to another one. Maybe you got a nut who likes to throw out exciting diagnosis.
I wasn't suggesting that your wife was being manipulative, it's just that it is always a possibility. The fact that it was not, and that she had a well thought out and highly lethal plan, is very disturbing. How long did they keep her in the hospital after she came out of the coma? Back when I worked in mental health that would have led to at least a 15 day committment.
I will pray for you.
Absaroka
I wasn't suggesting that your wife was being manipulative, it's just that it is always a possibility. The fact that it was not, and that she had a well thought out and highly lethal plan, is very disturbing. How long did they keep her in the hospital after she came out of the coma? Back when I worked in mental health that would have led to at least a 15 day committment.
I will pray for you.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Sophie-W
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Hi Absaroka,
When my wife took the OD, she was sent home the next night. We live in Spain , my wife can only speak a bit of Spanish. She saw the psychiatrist there, I told them that I had cot down my working hours, and that I would keep all the medication. I think the DID was caught straight away, now and then she does odd things. She sees the psychologist on Monday.
I can't believe have stupid I have been, I thought that my appointment was today, I only realized yesterday that I should have gone that day. I went to the hospital today practically begging them to let me see anyone. My appointment is now May. I went to the doctors to see if she could do anything, I just broke down crying. My wife has said that when she sees hers, to ask if he will see me. When she was in hospital she saw him as well, he did say that he would see both of us.
When my wife took the OD, she was sent home the next night. We live in Spain , my wife can only speak a bit of Spanish. She saw the psychiatrist there, I told them that I had cot down my working hours, and that I would keep all the medication. I think the DID was caught straight away, now and then she does odd things. She sees the psychologist on Monday.
I can't believe have stupid I have been, I thought that my appointment was today, I only realized yesterday that I should have gone that day. I went to the hospital today practically begging them to let me see anyone. My appointment is now May. I went to the doctors to see if she could do anything, I just broke down crying. My wife has said that when she sees hers, to ask if he will see me. When she was in hospital she saw him as well, he did say that he would see both of us.
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Sophie-W
- Miss Crystal Goddess
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I asked my doctor about the T blockers, she said that she would mention this to the Urologist and psychologist.When I left home my wife was asleep, I knew that if she woke up she would think that I had tricked her,and that my appointment was on the Tuesday, this she did think. I told her everything about the morning, I was upset for the rest of the day at my own stupidity.My wife's appointment was the following week, she suggested that I ask if he would see me. He said that he could only see one family member, so I just have to wait now.
My wife suggested that we go away for Easter with me in fem mode, we have some Spanish friends, last year they said that they had a house at Polaris World that we could stop in. I asked them about it , so on Saturday we will be driving down with them, then after that I will live 10 days as female.
We have been out and bought a lot of clothes, my wife has said that I can borrow a couple of her things. Life at home is back to normal now, the first few months were terrible, all the abusive and the nasty things from my wife. But now I have my wife back. The other day she even told her mum everything, she wouldn't do this at first because she felt ashamed. Her mum was very surprised, but is fine with it , has long as she doesn't see me dressed.(we live in Spain , her mum lives in the Uk) Her mum said that the only thing that she feels bitter about, is that I caused her illness, and the suicide attempt .
My wife is very supportive, and offers advice which I really do appreciate. I now feel that the urgency I had in December has slowed down, maybe it's because of what we are doing and the support. I have only been dressing the full day and night on Saturday, my wife asked why not the other 2 days. I told her it was because I didn't want to go overboard for her sake, and that I wanted to go out dressed, she said that we could . Last week we were out talking, and I was just about to say something but stopped myself, my wife said go on ask me the question, I know what you are going to say. I thought that she was going to get mad, she kept saying ask me. I tried to make a joke about it, saying I could do with some fake breasts. She said that she knew I was going to ask that, and for the last few days she had been thinking about it. She said that we would have a look together, then I could order some. In February she hacked into my LT and saw that I had ordered some, she cancelled the order. My wife had only been using a computer for a year, so I was really surprised that she managed that, she has since said that she will not do that again, as long has I am honest.
I have since decided not to have surgery. I told my wife it is a sacrifice to keep her. she asked if I was trying to trick or manipulate her, I told her no.
So the dogs are booked in at the kennels, and I am just waiting for Saturday.My wife is still struggling with depression, but now I usually see the signs. When I went to work yesterday she was fine. She said that she went down really fast , and slashed both of her arms with a razor blade, I feel terrible when she does this.
Sophie
My wife suggested that we go away for Easter with me in fem mode, we have some Spanish friends, last year they said that they had a house at Polaris World that we could stop in. I asked them about it , so on Saturday we will be driving down with them, then after that I will live 10 days as female.
We have been out and bought a lot of clothes, my wife has said that I can borrow a couple of her things. Life at home is back to normal now, the first few months were terrible, all the abusive and the nasty things from my wife. But now I have my wife back. The other day she even told her mum everything, she wouldn't do this at first because she felt ashamed. Her mum was very surprised, but is fine with it , has long as she doesn't see me dressed.(we live in Spain , her mum lives in the Uk) Her mum said that the only thing that she feels bitter about, is that I caused her illness, and the suicide attempt .
My wife is very supportive, and offers advice which I really do appreciate. I now feel that the urgency I had in December has slowed down, maybe it's because of what we are doing and the support. I have only been dressing the full day and night on Saturday, my wife asked why not the other 2 days. I told her it was because I didn't want to go overboard for her sake, and that I wanted to go out dressed, she said that we could . Last week we were out talking, and I was just about to say something but stopped myself, my wife said go on ask me the question, I know what you are going to say. I thought that she was going to get mad, she kept saying ask me. I tried to make a joke about it, saying I could do with some fake breasts. She said that she knew I was going to ask that, and for the last few days she had been thinking about it. She said that we would have a look together, then I could order some. In February she hacked into my LT and saw that I had ordered some, she cancelled the order. My wife had only been using a computer for a year, so I was really surprised that she managed that, she has since said that she will not do that again, as long has I am honest.
I have since decided not to have surgery. I told my wife it is a sacrifice to keep her. she asked if I was trying to trick or manipulate her, I told her no.
So the dogs are booked in at the kennels, and I am just waiting for Saturday.My wife is still struggling with depression, but now I usually see the signs. When I went to work yesterday she was fine. She said that she went down really fast , and slashed both of her arms with a razor blade, I feel terrible when she does this.
Sophie
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Leeza
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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Hi all,
Sophie,
I've read this entire thread twice. While many people here--especially Absaroka--have given you sound advice, I think that, from your own description of your situation, both you and your wife require the kind of help that is beyond the pale of an online forum, any online forum.
I'm serious; don't dally. Seek professional help ASAP.
Having said this, there are a couple of things that need to be brought into the light. Namely,
First, no one is responsible for your happiness except you, yourself. While the choices you make will be partly determined by the choices (or feelings) of others, those choices remain your call. In the end, you, Sophie, may be the only person on this green earth who will have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Find ways to make sure that the "relationship" you have with yourself is a satisfying one, one that nourishes you.
Second (and this follows directly from the first point), you are not responsible for the happiness of others, nor for their feelings. I'll repeat this: you are NOT responsible for the happiness of others, not even that of your wife. While your own feelings and behaviours undoubtedly affect her, HOW she chooses to respond emotionally to other people (including you) remains her choice alone.
Third, honesty and emotional transparency are paramount in any relationship. They will determine the course of your marriage. Yet, as is the case with loving someone, it's very difficult to be honest with another person if you're not honest with yourself first. So: look deeply into yourself in order to figure out who you need to be--not want to be, but NEED to be. Enlist help, if necessary (and--judgment call--I think it IS necessary, in your case). I've been there myself and I know what it feels like.
Regarding your wife's mental health issues, it's something I feel uncomfortable discussing, not knowing her at all and, especially, not knowing whether or not she's okay with a public discussion of her emotional difficulties. I will say this: seems to me she has issues that may be unrelated (or only loosely related) to your trans desires. Don't fall into the trap, Sophie, of saddling yourself with someone else's coping difficulties. While it's crucial that you give her assistance in whatever measure you can (and this, not just because you love her but because it appears her very life may sometimes be at stake), never sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of someone else's. This may sound harsh and selfish, but there's no other possible route to your own happiness, nor even to that of others. As has been mentioned here, in this thread, you cannot possibly take good care of other people if you don't first take good care of yourself. This should be written in stone somewhere.
Finally, about the suicide attempts, there's no dallying here either; if she acts out, diall 911 (or the local Spanish equivalent). If your wife has a plan, take it seriously. As Absaroka said, people who talk about killing themselves often carry through. Above all, see to it that she gets professional help, not just multi-vitamins.
As for yourself, Sophie, know that you're not alone. Many of us have gone, or are going through, the same type of "elastic" trans-related crisis. Seems it comes with the territory when you're a bit of a social outcast (even, or maybe especially, when you're an outcast only in your own mind). Never forget to love and appreciate yourself for who you are or, again, for who you feel you need to be.
I hope your sailing will be smoother in the future. Let us know how things go, eh?
Love,
CJ
Sophie,
I've read this entire thread twice. While many people here--especially Absaroka--have given you sound advice, I think that, from your own description of your situation, both you and your wife require the kind of help that is beyond the pale of an online forum, any online forum.
I'm serious; don't dally. Seek professional help ASAP.
Having said this, there are a couple of things that need to be brought into the light. Namely,
First, no one is responsible for your happiness except you, yourself. While the choices you make will be partly determined by the choices (or feelings) of others, those choices remain your call. In the end, you, Sophie, may be the only person on this green earth who will have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Find ways to make sure that the "relationship" you have with yourself is a satisfying one, one that nourishes you.
Second (and this follows directly from the first point), you are not responsible for the happiness of others, nor for their feelings. I'll repeat this: you are NOT responsible for the happiness of others, not even that of your wife. While your own feelings and behaviours undoubtedly affect her, HOW she chooses to respond emotionally to other people (including you) remains her choice alone.
Third, honesty and emotional transparency are paramount in any relationship. They will determine the course of your marriage. Yet, as is the case with loving someone, it's very difficult to be honest with another person if you're not honest with yourself first. So: look deeply into yourself in order to figure out who you need to be--not want to be, but NEED to be. Enlist help, if necessary (and--judgment call--I think it IS necessary, in your case). I've been there myself and I know what it feels like.
Regarding your wife's mental health issues, it's something I feel uncomfortable discussing, not knowing her at all and, especially, not knowing whether or not she's okay with a public discussion of her emotional difficulties. I will say this: seems to me she has issues that may be unrelated (or only loosely related) to your trans desires. Don't fall into the trap, Sophie, of saddling yourself with someone else's coping difficulties. While it's crucial that you give her assistance in whatever measure you can (and this, not just because you love her but because it appears her very life may sometimes be at stake), never sacrifice your own well-being for the sake of someone else's. This may sound harsh and selfish, but there's no other possible route to your own happiness, nor even to that of others. As has been mentioned here, in this thread, you cannot possibly take good care of other people if you don't first take good care of yourself. This should be written in stone somewhere.
Finally, about the suicide attempts, there's no dallying here either; if she acts out, diall 911 (or the local Spanish equivalent). If your wife has a plan, take it seriously. As Absaroka said, people who talk about killing themselves often carry through. Above all, see to it that she gets professional help, not just multi-vitamins.
As for yourself, Sophie, know that you're not alone. Many of us have gone, or are going through, the same type of "elastic" trans-related crisis. Seems it comes with the territory when you're a bit of a social outcast (even, or maybe especially, when you're an outcast only in your own mind). Never forget to love and appreciate yourself for who you are or, again, for who you feel you need to be.
I hope your sailing will be smoother in the future. Let us know how things go, eh?
Love,
CJ
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
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Just don't blame yourself.Sophie-W wrote:When I went to work yesterday she was fine. She said that she went down really fast , and slashed both of her arms with a razor blade, I feel terrible when she does this.
Many who have depression resort to cutting themselves. Try to remove all sharp objects, like razors, from the home or lock them away. Even knives.
There's nothing to stop her from going out and buying more, but the time it takes may be enough for her to change her mind.
DonnaT
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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I'd agree about the don't blame yourself thing. Siuicide may be the sincerest form of self criticism and an act of utter desperation, but unless I have a gun to your childs head and say cut yourself or else, it is not my responsibility. I'd go further and say that suicide is an incredibly cruel thing for someone to do to those who love them.
All that being said I agree also about being true to yourself. The problem comes when we try to figure out how to do that. If someone I love is hurting then turning my back on them is not being true to myself. At the same time trying to give them something I don't have to give, or being someone I am not, is also not being true to myself. (I'm not suggesting you are doing any of these things)
All horribly confusing. If you can't find decent mental health help in Spain you should probably move to somewhere that you can. Your career, home and etc isn't going to mean much to either of you if one of you is dead.
Hang in there.
Absaroka
All that being said I agree also about being true to yourself. The problem comes when we try to figure out how to do that. If someone I love is hurting then turning my back on them is not being true to myself. At the same time trying to give them something I don't have to give, or being someone I am not, is also not being true to myself. (I'm not suggesting you are doing any of these things)
All horribly confusing. If you can't find decent mental health help in Spain you should probably move to somewhere that you can. Your career, home and etc isn't going to mean much to either of you if one of you is dead.
Hang in there.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Danielle La Belle
- Account Deactivated at Member's Request
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- Location: SC
Hi Sophie:
I am extremely reluctant to really say anything here on this particular post. I can see there are many complications above what is being said outright. I have a closet full of complications myself and from that, I have learned a great deal about dealing with multiple problems.
What is normal for one, may be taboo for another. We come into this world with a basic set of tools, DNA provided, that later become our personality and other identifying factors. With 3 billion pairs in our DNA, is it any wonder that even with a common social basic set of rules, we all have variations in our behavior to some extent.
All said and done, I am not qualified too judge or advise you beyond my well wishes for you and the spouse. When you marry in my book, (married for almost 40 years now), it is a life-time commitment that each partner has the right to expect of the other, total devotion and help as needed. Life is so short in comparison to time being dead that one cannot even consider anything else.
In the same token to be fair, some relationships just seem to be doomed from the get-go. No sense in crying over spilt milk. Some people find it easier to just move on if the situation is fair to both parties. Mental health conditions unlike a broken arm or leg, are easier to hide and more difficult to diagnose. I believe here the trick is to put things into perspective and find a reasonable answer that supports the two of you.
My son, now age 38, is bi-polar, my spouse seems to have some form of this as well. My answer to this is to read, research good sources, and employ people that have experience with such matters. Both the psychology and chemistry of the mind are tightly interwoven into a complex dance of neurons and related neurological components. It will take time to achieve a balance that serves both parties well.
You just need to consider your commitment level and that of your spouse.
Hugs
Danielle Marie La Belle
I am extremely reluctant to really say anything here on this particular post. I can see there are many complications above what is being said outright. I have a closet full of complications myself and from that, I have learned a great deal about dealing with multiple problems.
What is normal for one, may be taboo for another. We come into this world with a basic set of tools, DNA provided, that later become our personality and other identifying factors. With 3 billion pairs in our DNA, is it any wonder that even with a common social basic set of rules, we all have variations in our behavior to some extent.
All said and done, I am not qualified too judge or advise you beyond my well wishes for you and the spouse. When you marry in my book, (married for almost 40 years now), it is a life-time commitment that each partner has the right to expect of the other, total devotion and help as needed. Life is so short in comparison to time being dead that one cannot even consider anything else.
In the same token to be fair, some relationships just seem to be doomed from the get-go. No sense in crying over spilt milk. Some people find it easier to just move on if the situation is fair to both parties. Mental health conditions unlike a broken arm or leg, are easier to hide and more difficult to diagnose. I believe here the trick is to put things into perspective and find a reasonable answer that supports the two of you.
My son, now age 38, is bi-polar, my spouse seems to have some form of this as well. My answer to this is to read, research good sources, and employ people that have experience with such matters. Both the psychology and chemistry of the mind are tightly interwoven into a complex dance of neurons and related neurological components. It will take time to achieve a balance that serves both parties well.
You just need to consider your commitment level and that of your spouse.
Hugs
Danielle Marie La Belle
Make the most of every day!
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Bernice
- Miss Golden Goddess
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It would be so easy just to say "Ditto" to Danielle LaBelle, but I would be remiss if I didn't also echo CJ. Violence - even self inflicted - has no place in any relationship. I have zero tolerance for violence. Suicide is not painless and is terribly irreversible. Fortunately, you both realize the need for professional help. That's the hardest step in many countries (I don't know about Spain).
Seek help like your lives depend on it - for your lives may well depend on it! This is an emergency!
There is a horrible social stigma to depression and other mental maladies. The stigma leads to shame, and worse: to avoidance of positive steps. We know this is terribly wrong, but feel powerless to fix it. We only change the world one life at a time, but patience perseveres.
None of us here can do more than be supportive, and encourage you, and pray for a good outcome. I'm sure we all would if we could.
Hugs,
Bernice
Seek help like your lives depend on it - for your lives may well depend on it! This is an emergency!
There is a horrible social stigma to depression and other mental maladies. The stigma leads to shame, and worse: to avoidance of positive steps. We know this is terribly wrong, but feel powerless to fix it. We only change the world one life at a time, but patience perseveres.
None of us here can do more than be supportive, and encourage you, and pray for a good outcome. I'm sure we all would if we could.
Hugs,
Bernice
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Erin L
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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- Location: Queens, NY
When I was 15, I twice stopped my alcoholic father from committing suicide - the first time by myself (he had closed the garage door and left the car running, and I went down to see what was taking him so long), the second time with the help of the local police. 6 weeks after the second attempt, he died in a mental hospital.
I echo, repeat, support and aver CJ's last post. If someone really and truly wants to kill themselves, they will at some point succeed. It is not because of you. Ever.
I echo, repeat, support and aver CJ's last post. If someone really and truly wants to kill themselves, they will at some point succeed. It is not because of you. Ever.
I'm not that kind of girl.