Who defines who you are?

General talk about CD/TGing and gender topics that aren't necessarily fun things we do while en femme, or for gender-driven discussions.

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CJ
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Post by CJ »

Hi all,

These are all great questions, Carolynn. Much food for thought here. :-k

Here's my penny's worth (Carlin--or his estate--can keep the change):

In the same way that brains "make" minds (or consciousness and self-awareness)--that is, unwittingly, as a sort of by-product of its natural activities--so a culture or society "makes" a citizen or a member of that society or culture. Again, unwittingly. Nobody, for example, sets out to mold or shape boys and girls as if embarking on some great social experiment; they do so upon little or no reflection, as citizens or "social units" that have been themselves conditioned in the same way. In other words, it seems unlikely to me that there's any malicious intent involved here, even though we've often enough heard phrases such as "I'll make a man out of him yet!" (or some such cruel and creepy nonsense, given that no two people can agree on a definition of what a man actually is or is supposed to be).

I think what happens when an individual develops a gender-variant or transgender personality, despite having been "subjected" to a "standard" socialization process, is one of three things (or, more likely, a mixture of any or all of three of the following things): 1) there exists some as yet undiscovered--but eventually discoverable--physiological process (genetic, neurological, or endocrinological) at work that serves to short-circuit the socialization process; 2) there occured a "hidden" or "shadow" or "micro-" socialization where the child received mixed signals regarding gender-appropriate behaviour (usually from a parent or other significant figure of authority very early in the child's life); and 3) some "non-traditional" psychosexual process occured at or around or even before puberty that leads a child to be attracted sexually to a variant love object (namely, to himself or to herself--if Freudian psychotherapeutic theory is anything but pure hogwash, that is).

As far as I'm concerned, the jury's still out. More research is needed.

Having said this, none of the above should prevent people from embracing who they are, given that they are, precisely, who they are. It matters little, I think, who or what dealt you the hand you're holding; you ought to focus your energy on playing it as well as you can. This is what it means to have the courage and the strength to be who you are... even in the face of players who appear--objectively--to be holding better hands. Ultimately, these players may not have yet learned how to play their own hands as well as you do yours.

About existentialism and Elizabeth's quote from Waking Life (a film I consider an absolute must-see, by the way), I beg to differ... slightly. I've read some of Solomon's books. He's a good philosopher but he suffers from the same condition Sartre, amongst others (including Plato, for instance), suffers from; namely, that he comes from a fairly priviliged (read: white, middle or upper class, male) social background. For anyone who doesn't come from such a background, reflecting on the meaning of existential responsibility won't come as easy. It may even be perceived as a luxury that only those who aren't directly involved in the struggle for their own material (or social) survival can afford to indulge in. An underprivileged quadriplegic Latina lesbian will have quite a different take on the whole matter, affirmative action programs or not.

As for the whole ego thing, well, I'm not so sure that it's being a so-called "maverick" that makes a person stronger as it is a painful awareness of difference. You're often shunned when you're different. Moreover, this shunning can be so subtle sometimes that someone can make you feel shunned while actually avowing to an openness to cultural and social diversity. You know, the whole "some of my best friends are ______... not that there's anything wrong with that!" Heavens, no, indeed. Not that there would ever be anything wrong with who I am... can anyone on this forum hear the barely audible word "but" at the end of that sentence? Yet, that quasi-inaudible "but" speaks volumes about the attitude of the multitude to different ways of being.

Knowing that I am different--knowing it in my bones and in my soul--makes me suffer. But here's the catch: it only makes me suffer because I'd much prefer to be like everybody else, i.e., "normal." Well, here's a news flash: there ain't no such thing as "normal." Oh, statistically speaking, of course there is. But individuals--persons--are not reducible to statistics. Although pain and suffering have the great virtue of inscribing some indelible wisdom into the heart, they dissipate the day I understand it's much more to my advantage to want to be who I am (or who I feel I need to become) than to be like everybody else. After all, it's certainly not the case that everybody else has already learned to take responsibility, in good faith, for their own lives and existence. Everybody else is not a good model, to me. Heh. Call me a maverick.

Great thread, folks. Thanks for starting this, Carolynn. 8)

Love,
CJ
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Robyn Katie
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Post by Robyn Katie »

Yes, CJ, you said (among many other valuable things) the thing I was trying to come up with:

That painful awareness of difference. It's not so much a growing, changing person setting out to be a certain way, not so much being influenced or not. It's difference! Difference is each person's irreducible (?) minimum that won't go away, won't be influenced, and sticks in the craw.

It's that you are the way you are, and you struggle with it, and eventually you come up with a best-possible you. You may attempt to emulate others, you may be nagged into trying to be different. But ultimately you're the way you are, and you have some edges and corners the world cannot knock off you.

Maybe that doesn't hold for everyone. I've known cookie-cutter people. But even they may have ended up the way they are only through a process of "acculturation" that involved a lot of headbanging, fear and duress. I doubt they started out wanting to end up as they have. They lost out in that formative ordeal in which unconscious processes and maturation drives in the living child go through a turmoil that sets up how you will respond to life later on.

I think you are, to a huge degree, the person you can't help being, but that's not necessarily all innate. It's partly the catalysis of your crashing into the real world before you know what's what, and the very odd twists you get as a result. It all takes place in a haphazard and goofy way controlled by nobody. Put childhood trauma (sex abuse, say) on top of that, and you have an engine that doesn't know why it runs, but it runs like hell.

And it has everything to do with how you respond to the heavy educative and formative pressure of others in your life then and later on.

So, influenced? Sure, I must have been—but not in any way I'd recognize. And later influences were pale in comparison to that inner difference.

Interesting topic!

Love, Robyn Katie
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CJ
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Post by CJ »

Hi all,

Wow. Great post, Robyn! Very eloquent and bang on, too. =D>

I like this: eventually you come up with a best-possible you.

I think this is true. In theory. Like an old friend of mine (an ethicist/artist) used to say, "your life is ever a work of art in progress... you whittle and sculpt and sketch and paint who you are and who you're to become but the task becomes that much harder the less you hold a clear vision of who you are and the more you lack the tools necessary for the task at hand."

In the kind of post-postmodern world we live in, where beliefs and ideas and opinions and worldviews mingle and mix like the ingredients of some exotic cocktail, it's harder, I think, to have a clear vision of who we are as individuals. It seems there always exists another option we hadn't previously considered. Add to this the fact that, for various reasons, we're not always "properly equipped" to create the work of art that is our life (to continue in that metaphorical vein), and it becomes an almost herculean task to come up with a best-possible version of ourselves. Of course, this is also redundant; without vision and without tools, we nevertheless, and by definition, DO still come up with that version.

Another factor to consider: there's a lot of pressure out there for each of us to adopt a vision of ourselves and to use self-creation tools that others wish us to adopt and to use. We are given (force-fed?) models and ways that may not really suit who we are. How does one say "no, thank you"? Moreover, how does one say, "no, thank you" and still live unsanctioned and unshunned in the face of those who would say, "here, here, I insist, take this, do this, be this"? It's a tough road to travel. (None of this, by the way, has anything to do with being TG or being a part of any minority group whatsoever; we ALL go through this kind of thing.)

Where do we find the strength to be who we are? I think one way is to expose ourselves to many ways of being; to seek out difference, variety, diversity; to dwell in openness and receptivity before the works of art that are the lives of those around us.

Here's a poem I wrote twenty years ago and I still hold to this understanding of myself today.

I've always worn the face of your own self:
When facing each other, twinned mirrors project of ourselves
A view to nowhere and teach me
That both our images blend.

Can I not suffer also? I, too, know pain.
A thousand shards of polished glass,
A thousand faces forever raining in my eyes,
Bid me see the agony roiling 'cross your features too.

I wear the face of my own life and the countenance of my own death.
There, behind the mask, all experience flows.
Believe that all these minds are but a fertile soil
Wherein all my flowers grow.

I wear the face of my former times and the skin of my future days.
Undernerneath this flesh and blood and sinew,
And by virtue of my transient bones,
I also nurture weeds.

These scars you cannot touch and these wounds you cannot see
I will show you and let you feel
If such is your wish
And your mirrored desire.

All I ask of you is that you cease painting my self for me.
Lay down your brush and kiss the face I alone must wear.
And, though I know your own features well,
Your soil, to me, is richer than your snow.


Love,
CJ
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Anita
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Post by Anita »

I like the poem, CJ, and I'm not generally wild about poetry. Your younger self did a good job.
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