"Two roads parted in a wood..."

[Erin L]

Virginia - When I said the two lives tended to steal from one another, I meant that I found that even when I wasn't being Erin, I found myself thinking about being her, and particularly obsessing on documenting her "life". It was useful as a learning exercise but had I continued, I think it would have been destructive. I also found that fantasizing about Erin's life - past and present - intruded on other things that I could and should be doing. Likewise, when I was being Erin, I felt I always had to engage in periodic reality checks regarding my "normal" life. I do agree with you that our unique gender-world-view is a gift, but like most such gifts that provide additional insight into the human condition, it brings its own special burden.

Donna - I have not yet given notice, but expect to in the next couple of days. My current boss will indeed take it on the chin when I do. His is a particularly arrogant and patronizing view of people, and I am sure that he never considered the possibility that I might actually leave. When I do, it will leave a department that is now truly untenable, thanks almost entirely to events of his own contrivance. A classic case of what goes around comes around.

Robyn Katie - Thank you so much. And thank you for being a calming voice in cyberspace when I so desperately needed one.

Anita - after a year of probation (which doesn't bother me at my age), I should be in fine shape. One of the main reasons I took this job was because it would be removed from the whimsey of capricious management who think nothing of holding compensation down just to ensure that the executive comp package stays fat (like our CFO said the other day would happen - of course, not quite in those words).

Absaroka - thanks so much. It's such a relief.

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Erin and everyone,

I think we're very diverse, all of us, in our personal needs and circumstances, and those tend to dictate how much blur we can tolerate between our female selves and our male identities.

One determinant is SOs' attitudes. Accepting, nonaccepting, or anything in between—where you are on that scale is going to be fundamental in what venturing into femaleness you can or can't attempt or feel happy with.

Another is certainly work. I'm retired, I can be a girl fulltime if I want. But someone who has to turn up male at work every day can be terribly torn by changing back and forth ... and can feel that his femaleness is distracting from the life he needs to lead. Also what else your daily routine and itinerary require of you, where and how you live, etc. etc.

Thus one of us may feel the two lives steal from each other ... another may feel they complement each other. One may feel the need to keep male and female selves rigidly separate ... another may rejoice in the chance to blend them into a single ambisexual personality.

Erin and I have both learned a lot from our experiment on the "girl autobiography" thread. Both of us loved it at first, loved the exploration of difference, of femaleness, but in the end found it hard work, confusing, and (for Erin, at least) ultimately unsustainable.

Our reasons, though, were very different—Erin found it was taking away from the life *he* needed to lead, I found it wasn't getting me where I needed to go.

Diversity. It reminds us all to be hesitant in drawing conclusions about each other's purposes and needs based on our own. Often the parallels just fail because we're each so different.

Wow, what a kaleidoscope we are, huh?

Love, Robyn Katie

[Erin L]

Gave notice yesterday. What a feeling!! Like I just lost 50 pounds! Met with my boss' boss today and laid a number of things on the line. Seems like it may have taken. Maybe my leaving will finally shine a light on what a cancer this guy is.

Even better is hearing from so many people in just two days how glad they are for me but how angry they are at the company that this has happened.

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Erin,

Whew. Good for you. What a moment that must have been. To shed that source of anger, fear and conflict ... on your own terms ... and tell them what it was all about on your way out. Leaving a job doesn't get much better than that.

I think we're all breathing a sigh of relief for you right now.

Today really is the first day of the rest of your life, huh? Enjoy.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Erin L]

Thanks, Robyn. I just keeps getting better. The only dark cloud has been the reaction of my staff. They're happy for me, but very sad that the nice little group we built has come to an end. Still, the positives are off the charts, and I really do feel like I've gotten my life back.

As always, your warm wishes are very much appreciated and heartily felt.

[Erin L]

Hi, Girls. I thought I’d check in and let you all know how it’s going.

I’ve now been at my new job for 6 weeks, and I love it. Everything you’ve heard about government work is true. I spend my spare time collecting wacky bureaucracy stories. But I’m in a union, and I have a definite start time and a definite finish time.

I said when I purged that I thought I had to find a way to express my feminine aspect in a way other than by dressing – that is, in a way that didn’t attempt to deny my maleness. Right before I started my new job, my wife and I saw the film “Julie & Julia”, and we both loved it. I’ve been a fan of Amy Adams’ ever since “Charlie Wilson’s War”, but I thought this was the most endearing role I’d seen her play. In fact, sitting there in that movie theater, I really identified with her character.

After the film, my wife and I talked about making cooking something of a hobby (we’ve both evinced an interest in it in the past), and to get us started, I bought Julia Child’s book, “Mastering the Art of French Cooking”. The past two Sunday’s, I’ve made something from it, this past week a really wonderful veal dish (not supposed to say, “Yum!” while eating your own cooking, but I must admit I did).

I realize that most of the great chef’s have been men, and so outside the realm of traditional American domesticity, cooking is hardly the realm of women. But then, traditional American domesticity is where I grew up, and so that makes cooking very much the realm of women in my own frame of reference. No wonder, then, that as I busied myself over my masterpiece on Sunday, I felt most definitely feminine. And when my son made a joke about a competition between my wife and me, I felt almost desperate to assure her that there was no competition, and that I loved her cooking as much as she did mine.

I’ve seen “Julie & Julia” a few more times, and while I confess to just a small pang of jealousy as Amy Adams mimics Julia Child with a string of faux pearls, wishing I could do the same, I am happy where things are right now.

[DonnaT]

I grew up knowing that men can cook as well as women. My mom is a great cook, and so was my granddad. Around here, my wife and I both cook.

Glad to hear you are doing well, Erin.

[Absaroka]

I'm glad it's all going well Erin.

My dad was a great cook, although he didn't start until he was about 45. The first couple years witnessed a number of less than delicious meals, but these things take time. He made really good bread and eventually whenever I asked what I should bring to a party I was told to bring some of my dad's bread. I was in my mid 20's and not even living at home by then.

I'd say it's a way of expressing our creative side rather than our feminine side, but that's just me. Still I sometimes wonder how much of what we label our feminine side is really just our nurturing side, or our creative side, or our theatrical side......

Whatever it is, enjoy.

Zari