Losing my mind?

[Kersten Lee]

Elizabeth,

You can see already everyone cares deeply for you. I haven't came out
to everyone but I have done the suicide thing. In my own experience
I feel Beauty is giving great advice. I also agree with Terry 98%.
We don't want to do this again though, do we? What if we succeded?

I have let the wrong people control me for too many decades. I
don't think I would want these same people putting me in the ground or
ashes. Let's both decide to be survivors and relearn how to be happy!

I'm with you in spirit,
Kersten

[Elizabeth]

I have been thinking about killing myself since my late teens. Sometimes daily for years on end. I have had many suicide plans over the years. But I never could overcome my human instinct to survive. There are lots of times I wanted to do the "They Shoot Horses Don't They" thing. If I could just have found someone to do it. And it is the real reason I am anti-gun. That would have been too easy for an impulsive person like me. But on Monday night I really wanted to be dead. That is how "he" thinks. I don't know if it is a cry, I mean it is only a cry when you fail, which was not my intention at the time. At the time, I thought I was gonna die for several hours. That is a long time to think you are gonna die. When I finally realized I was not going to die I felt a great sense of relief. I dont' know if it was because I was not going to die, or because I did not have to be alive thinking I was going to die any longer. I closed my eyes and intended to fall asleep and not wake up. I can not say I will never think aboout killing myself again. I can say that having thought I was dying I faced the fear. And while I am not nearly as afraid to die as I was before. I am also in no great hurry to have the feeling of facing death again. The most frightening part was when I accepted it. I accepted that I was going to die. No matter who you are, I beleve this changes you, and it certainly changed me.Now that I know I can face my death, it allows me to play every card in my deck before I do. That is why I feel like I am not going to try to kill myself again.
Elizabeth

[Kersten Lee]

Elizabeth,

In the fourth grade I started praying at night, God please just let me die.
I have gone through my life thinking about death and having day dreams,
night dreams and visions of how easy it would be to do.

My therapist has helped me to see why I would destroy myself. My
thinking was not in my adult mind but in my hurt helpless child mind.
I was not thinking rationally. As we have healed my inner child my
depression lows have become less low.

Have to go,
will write tonight,
Kersten