Showing yourself en femme up for your wife for the 1st time

[Karin]

How does this play out for folks - How does CDing affect your sexual relationship with your wife?

Well, from a TS standpoint... I can't even remember what one of those is? Our relationship has moved way beyond the need for that, and yet we are closer than we ever were before...

[Kittie]

So I had "the talk" with my wife a few days ago. As I related in another post, she was surprised, overwhelmed, unsure what to make of all this. We talked again over dinner the following night and one thing she said was that she was not ready to see me dressed up. I recognize that I need to take this slow, on her timetable, that I need to be patient.

I am interested in going out of the house en femme – one opportunity is to a local gathering of TG/CDers, but getting ready for it would mean dressing up at home where I would have to cross paths with my wife and sons. I’m just wondering what your experiences been with showing yourself dressed up to your wife for the first time? When was the right moment? How soon after you told her? What was her reaction?

In my case it was ,a a gradual process of telling & it worked. Tread carefully!

[DonnaT]

Just tell your sons you are going to a costume party, or a turn-about party.

How did your wife feel and react when you dressed for mardi gras?

[Gina]

Dana,

My wife has only seen pictures of Gina. The one time she did ask me to fully dress she burst into tears quickly, and I just stopped and put everything away and gave up.

It is very difficult for your wife. So communication and empathy are key.

I wish you many blessings and courage for both of you.

Congratulations on your honesty!

[Christine.Lolita]

I wrote this account of the first time I dressed in front of my wife several months ago. I think it is on point with this thread so I decided to share it.


Going to see a therapist was a very good decision for me. She has help me accept the fact that I am a cross dresser. In my secessions I have learned that people who cross dress are born that way and there is no choice about feelings we have and the desire to express our feminine side.
My wife and I have grown closer as well. Although she has not yet attended any therapy secessions with me or by herself she has started reading a book titled " Head Over Heels: Wives Who Stay with Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals" that was recommended to me by my therapist which is a compilation of personal stories written by wives of cross dressers and other gender variant men about how they deal with the feeling they have when they find out that there men have a feminine side. My wife has not told me what she has taken from these stories, but since she has been reading the book she has asked me to dress for her. This was something just a few months ago would have seemed impossible to me.
At first I did not want to show her Chrissie. I would have been more comfortable just showing her a picture first, but she seemed very interested in seeing me dressed. So we talked a while. I need her to be prepared for the fact that I wore Lolita fashion, which is what I consider to be ultra femme, and others might consider sissy. I did not want my wife to expect to see me dressed in what a GG would wear to work or out on a date and then present myself dressed in a manner unexpected. So I asked her to search what Lolita fashion looked like on the internet.
The next day after having some time to think it over I decided that I wanted for my wife to see me dressed, so I picked out an outfit that I thought would be appropriate for the introduction. I then started to prepare myself, close shave, shower, make up, perfume, undergarments, dress, hair and shoes. The outfit I wore is in my photostream.
When I was ready I texted my wife who was working from home that day that I was dressed and would she like me to come down stairs so she could see. She replied that she would come to me. I was so nervous I almost peed myself waiting the 30 seconds it took for her to enter the bedroom where I was waiting.
When she saw me I could tell she was not freaked out as much as I was. She told me that she would not have recognized me and that I looked “cute”. Then she asked me something about the trip we were planning and that was it. The elephant had left the room. My relief was so great that I felt like crying, but I did not. When I talked to her I used my normal voice. She was expecting me to try and talk using a girl’s voice, so I explained that I never do that. I am still the same person that I was before getting into my dress. She kissed me on my lips and then went back to work.
This experience has changed my life and of course my wife’s as well. It has been over three weeks since I have dressed for her and I have not done so since. I need to figure out what the ground rules are and where my wife’s comfort zone is concerning Chrissie, but I had a great time being dressed with my wife in the house and not having to worry about causing a big problem if she seen me dressed.
We still have a lot work to do until we both are able to find harmonious balance, yet I know we have started a new and wonderful chapter in our lives together.

[Davita]

I'm not sure what the first time is for me. She got to see me in various stages of dressed over bunches of years. For the 1st time out, it was Halloween, well it was a celebration of it anyway. That was the 1st time she saw me with makeup and fully dressed. I wasn't in street wear so maybe that helped ease the 1st time "look see". I went out for several days that 1st time but Ro didn't see me on any of those days.

Ro saw more pictures than me in person for the longest time. Eventually the longer I was out on a given day the more likely she was going to see me and sure enough, she would get home before I would. She would look me over and comment. Remember all that patience being preached?

Now, it's not uncommon when I have my days out en fem that Ro will be home before me and she gets to see the worn out tired women peeling off her shoes and tossing her purse aside as I walk through the door. Some of you may have seen my web site; Ro has taken some of the pictures posted in it.

So the first time? It was a picture. Many pictures and in person viewings later, we are still together. It took me 25 years of bending rules before I was "allowed" out, which caused the in person viewings. From then until I die, I will have many many more times to be seen.

[TammyT]

I wrote this account of the first time I dressed in front of my wife several months ago. I think it is on point with this thread so I decided to share it.

WOW! I should have read this post before I replied to the A Brief History thread a few minutes ago. What a beautiful story and wonderful outcome!

We still have a lot work to do until we both are able to find harmonious balance, yet I know we have started a new and wonderful chapter in our lives together.

Here's hoping for the very best!

[Joanne T.]

I am separated from my wife of 30 years, she lives in Spain and I live in Cornwall, UK. We are still friends and I sometimes think we will eventually get back together, that is very unlikely however. She came over to spend a holiday with me recently and I almost told her then. The fact that we are separated and had no children means that the complications mentioned in other posts are less worrying. It is still an important step to take in telling her though. How I will deal with it is in the lap of the gods. In the meantime I shall carry on as things are and read these posts for inspiration.
Sorry I can not be more helpful
Love
Joanne
xxxxx

[Wendae]

First time did not go well.

[Martina Hall]

Anyone remember the scene in " Police Academy " when Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg) asks Kim Cattrall's character why she wants to be a cop, and she says, " I like to dress like a man." Wonder how I would react to a woman saying that?

[Paulette]

I am separated from my wife of 30 years, she lives in Spain and I live in Cornwall, UK. We are still friends and I sometimes think we will eventually get back together, that is very unlikely however. She came over to spend a holiday with me recently and I almost told her then. The fact that we are separated and had no children means that the complications mentioned in other posts are less worrying. It is still an important step to take in telling her though. How I will deal with it is in the lap of the gods. In the meantime I shall carry on as things are and read these posts for inspiration.
Sorry I can not be more helpful
Love
Joanne
xxxxx

Yes, separated by several thousand miles. And it sounds permanent and that though you'd like to, you do not forsee living together again. If you have expectations of ever being a daily part of each others' lives again, then you may have to broach the subject at some point.

It may help explain to her some of the mysteries of her life and give new understanding to her past relationship with you. It may help put you more at ease with your own past and provide relief from the pall of secrecy. It may be the beginning of a new relationship between you, or it may simply seal off a chapter in the old one. In any case, if you want to share it, do so slowly and with gentleness. It will be a shock, not necessarily unpleasant, but a shock nonetheless. The greatest shock will be that it's a secret that you hidden from her for 30+ years.

Begin at first by revealing what this has meant to you, not just in terms of longing and obsession, but about the shame and hiding and secrecy of it and what that has done to you. Don't just jump to the punch line. Explain that you have had mixed feelings about your sexuality (or gender) for x years, long before you met each other. That these feelings sometimes pushed you to dressing, etc., and that the shame of it made you silent. That you've (a) now come to this understanding, which is that . . . , or (b) you're still exploring and don't know where this will take you, but you really do have to explore it, or (c) something else.

Don't try to get this out in one long sentence, or a monologue, or (God forbid) in a letter. Give her time to think, and to understand what this has meant to you and how it has affected you. At some point in this you'll have to ask her forgiveness for keeping this secret for so long. Be prepared to tell her why you did so and what you hope will come of this confession.

Keeping this big a secret for this many years has its costs, and you may not want to pay that price or inflict it on her. But it would be a pity never to have done so, and to die with it unresolved. Talking in this group will help, but it's not really the same.

[Paulette]

Joanne - I didn't realize that cross dressing was new for you. I don't connect names very well, and just saw your post in another thread.

The tats and piercing may be a balancing thing with your cross dressing. Which one is a balance for the other is not important. They're both you. You can keep them apart or integrate them as you wish. The youth scene today seems to have no problem with either, or with both together, so you shouldn't either, depending on how public you want/need to be and what crowds you roll with.

Some bike groups would be more concerned about your ride than your style. Finding the right groups, the right friends, the right lovers is everything, and the hardest thing to do.

Sorry I got the basics wrong in my previous post -- I'm sure that post will fit someone's needs.

For myself, and I recommend for your future relationships, I have always told those I've been close to, and I don't for a second regret doing so. Only my third wife has fully accepted my dressing, and even loves me for it. It's soooooo much easier when it's open, even it it isn't publicly open.

We* can't change who we are, and it's hard enough accepting ourselves. Why would anyone want to share a life with someone when they couldn't share their life with them?


*cross dressers. transitioners, it's a different thing - complex in a very different way.

[Joanne T.]

Hello Paulette, I have just read both your posts in reply to mine, you obviously are a vey caring lady and I am grateful for your advice. I did not start dressing until after we separated, I am no psychologist but I think it was a replacement reaction to not having a partner anymore. Never the less I am happy as I am now, and thanks to you all on this forum I am coming to terms with it all and gaining confidence daily.
Thanks again for your understanding
Hugs and kisses
Joanne

[Joanne T.]

Hi everyone,
As a follow up to my previous post I have now come out to my wife and the relief is amazing.
Someone told me she had been seeing someone else and without checking I telephoned her and after a little sparring I blurted it out.
She went very Quiet and asked me to put it all in a facebook message. She has since replied and seems to accept it all but no mention of wanting to see some photos, I will hold fire on that until things have settled down.
By the way the "seeing someone else" was actually an innocent dinner date with a friend
So that is how I have coped with coming out to my wife, a bit like a bull in a china shop but at least it is off my chest now (40B)
Hugs and kisses and keep the faith
Joanne

[Davita]

Facebook message? How unprivate is that? Not having Facebook because of all the breaches in privacy, I wouldn't think a "message" would be any safer.