Hi Beauty,
Well, like I said, she's always been receptive and open to whatever my needs were regarding my "difficulties" (as she called my TVism when I was a kid); I was the one who kept myself to myself.
The conversation we had last night was different, in that it focused on
her experience as the mother of a child she knew to be troubled and how utterly helpless she felt at the time. It was an eye-opener for me because, wrapped up as I sometimes am in my own centre, I'd never really thought about the fact that my pain might be causing my
parents pain also. And she said this, not out of any desire to induce a guilt trip, but out of a simple love for her children. "My house is your house." Your pain is my pain.
She was a bit defensive last night, though. I tried to put her at ease by explaining that, first, I no longer blame anyone for who I am and, second, I love who I am, so these days I'm more apt to search for someone I can praise, not criticize, for this. She admitted that, for most of her life, she was very naive (I think she still is in a lot of ways and that's part of her beauty
) so that she might as well have had a better chance at understanding lunar eclipses than crossdressing. She told me two things last night that surprised me a little: one, she never pressed the issue of my having been caught in women's clothes because she wanted to respect my privacy and was afraid to embarass me. Can you believe that? I told her: Ma! Embarass me! Embarass me! I wish she hadn't given up so easily. (Then again, that may have entailed possible therapy--and I would most certainly be a different, and not necessarily better, person today.) I told her not to fret anyway, what's passed is past. The second surprising thing she told me was that she was aware that she and I were too close when I was a child (I used to love to watch her dress, play with her clothes--not wear, just play with--and brush her hair), but was powerless to prevent that: her need for me (as her first child and the only positive thing in her life back then) was just too great. I had a hard time convincing her not to feel so many regrets for what could have been and how things might have been. Be here, now! I told her. Now is when we both are! I tell you, Beauty, it was a very emotional conversation. One I was very glad to have. We laughed, we cried. It was good.
You know, I've heard it said that all men look for their mother in their SO. I don't agree. I think all men look for a nurturing soul in their SO. Men are often wounded creatures and, like all wounded creatures, they either lash out or hide themselves to tend to their wounds alone. I think us girls may have an advantage over most men, in that we try to reach into ourselves and bring out that nurturing aspect that we so long to find in the women in our lives, be they friends, mothers or SOs. No, as T-Girls, I think we look for
ourselves in our SOs. Hopefully we can do so in a way that allows our SOs to find within us what they need too. And, this, above all: I truly believe that it's the looking, not necessarily the finding, that makes us better human beings.
Sorry for the soapbox stuff there, Beauty! (I may have to cut down on the joe a bit!
)
Love,
CJ
