Hi All,
For those that haven't read the story of my life, I'll repeat.
I suffered terrible abuse by my father and to a limited degree by my mother, mostly do to abuse of my father towards her. I have been estranged from my family for 28 years. I suffered probably 80% of the symptoms that Darlene has described earlier. There also were some bad activities amongst us kids, being unsupervised for long periods, and having the learned behaviors of abuse practiced between us. I was the oldest and had a younger brother and a younger yet sister.
I also have a 15 year younger brother whom is a mess. He has the symptoms of myself but much worse. I have started communicating with my brother since last September. Both brothers identify with the female identity but do not cross-dress.
I have been in constant therapy for three years this coming September. My therapist has done a tremendous job with me and I will continue with her a short while yet. I still have learned bad behaviors that I still struggle with. Cross-dressing is not one of those.
To the present: I have been on Serzone for three years. It helped to level my moods greatly. With no warning the drug company pulled the drug off the shelves, do to reported liver problems and deaths. The drug was first pulled in Europe then Canada forced relabeling of the drug. Our FDA still did nothing to force the company to post the new warnings. A Girl friend here gave me the web site addresses to fill me in. My doctor knew nothing of the whys or that it was going to be pulled off the shelves.
The directions I had, were to never go off the pills cold turkey. Yet that is what happened. I had only four days of pills when my wife went to get more and none were available. I had terrible withdrawel symptoms. The new drug made me worse. I got another and I thought my heart would beat out of my chest.
Finally, I was refered to a psychiatrist who could prescribe drugs. I have went three times, once every other week. I now am on three drugs. Effexor 150mg, Zyprexa 10mg, and Depacote ER 500 mg.
I have never felt and been so able to function normally. I am able to be the person more easily that I have always aspired to be! The woman psychiatrist said some adjustments may happen as I take the drugs. My therapist said that another therapist may have picked up on my bipolar nature much sooner. In truth, I was so comfortable talking with her as a woman, that I was very good at controling and not displaying bipolar behaviors.
My younger brother just told me that father was diagnosed as bi-polar in the middle nineties. He said it is a big family secret. Secrets have been big in our family. Hopefully my younger brother will respond to the drugs in a similar way that I have. He sounds like he will go to the pyschiatrist that I was referred to. My father has refused to take the drugs, or so I was told.
I have forgiven my mother but have hung on to the hate for my father. Now what???? I was told it is an illness.
I need to get a new pass word here, as I forgot and lost mine. If I can help anyone in anyway by describing how things have been for me, please let me know by pm.
P.S. I still love to cross-dress. I wore sandals and painted toes to the psychiatrist last week. I told her of my love to cross-dress. She said it was great to see that I was ok with that and that I was so comfortable talking about it. She said my therapist did a wonderful service, helping me to see that cross-dressing can be ok. She was friendly and very comfortable with me. I could never have imagined writing and feeling the way I do now!
Even though I have been so busy and or a mess, I think of all of you every day!
Love,
Kersten
Bipolar Disorder:
-
Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Kay,
You're very welcome.
And I hear you; who wants to do in their leisure time what keeps them busy at work, eh? Um, well, by the looks of it, I guess I do. 
Kersten,
I totally agree with Darlene; your candor is a godsend. May you continue walking on the path to wholeness and may others benefit from your experience.
Ronnie,
You know, your experience is certainly not uncommon. Yes, the side-effects are sometimes too much for a person to want to continue taking medications. I see this often in people who go off their meds, some (mostly, those who are partnered) in order to regain an active sex life, others simply to just, well, feel alive again. This, quite aside from any physical complaint related to insomnia, increased anxiety, cardiac arrhytmia, or digestive troubles.
Like you, some people want to stop the meds after a while in order to see if they can now cope without them. Some people can (and do); others can't and are better off keeping to a maintenance dose. There's absolutely no shame, I repeat, there's absolutely no shame in using a medication as a tool for well-being when you have trouble functioning otherwise (especially for reasons having to do with neuro-chemical imbalances, etc.).
Having said this, Ronnie, I'm also very much aware of the "consortium," of the co-operation between the Big Pharmaceuticals and the psychiatric and medical establishments. The Big Pharms often slyly encourage medical professionals to prescribe by offering them perks. Although this kind of "cog-greasing" is commonplace in many fields, I think it's totally unethical in this case because people's lives may be at stake. Just two years ago, according to USA Today, Pfizer alone (makers of the anti-depressant, Zoloft) had ten medicines on the market with annual sales of more than $1,000,000,000 each--that's one billion dollars each!). One man's depression is another man's retirement palace in the Bahamas. I wouldn't be so cynical if the Big Pharms were more forthcoming on the use of generic meds in Third World countries (where this could potentially save millions more lives than current pharmaco-legal practices permit).
But even this, Ronnie, is not a good enough reason to not do all you can to be as well and as healthy as you can. If the choice is either (possibly suicidal) depression with a clear social commitment or "better living through chemistry" (sorry, Dupont) by giving the Big Pharms your money, it becomes a no-brainer. I do say if that is the choice, though. There exist many alternative paths to healing, therapy being only one of them.
About meds, I really have only this to say (and I know I've said it before but it bears repeating): psychotropic drugs are very powerful chemicals; they have serious effects on the body and on the brain; they are not to be toyed with. Take your meds as prescribed; if they have adverse effects, tell your doctor. He may be a specialist regarding general physiology but you, yourself, are the specialist regarding your own feelings and your knowledge of your body. If she's any good, your doctor will listen and pay attention to you. Participate by becoming a partner, with your doctor or psychiatrist, in the betterment of your own health.
Again, be well, all of you.
Love,
CJ
Kay,
You're very welcome.
And I hear you; who wants to do in their leisure time what keeps them busy at work, eh? Um, well, by the looks of it, I guess I do. Kersten,
I totally agree with Darlene; your candor is a godsend. May you continue walking on the path to wholeness and may others benefit from your experience.
Ronnie,
You know, your experience is certainly not uncommon. Yes, the side-effects are sometimes too much for a person to want to continue taking medications. I see this often in people who go off their meds, some (mostly, those who are partnered) in order to regain an active sex life, others simply to just, well, feel alive again. This, quite aside from any physical complaint related to insomnia, increased anxiety, cardiac arrhytmia, or digestive troubles.
Like you, some people want to stop the meds after a while in order to see if they can now cope without them. Some people can (and do); others can't and are better off keeping to a maintenance dose. There's absolutely no shame, I repeat, there's absolutely no shame in using a medication as a tool for well-being when you have trouble functioning otherwise (especially for reasons having to do with neuro-chemical imbalances, etc.).
Having said this, Ronnie, I'm also very much aware of the "consortium," of the co-operation between the Big Pharmaceuticals and the psychiatric and medical establishments. The Big Pharms often slyly encourage medical professionals to prescribe by offering them perks. Although this kind of "cog-greasing" is commonplace in many fields, I think it's totally unethical in this case because people's lives may be at stake. Just two years ago, according to USA Today, Pfizer alone (makers of the anti-depressant, Zoloft) had ten medicines on the market with annual sales of more than $1,000,000,000 each--that's one billion dollars each!). One man's depression is another man's retirement palace in the Bahamas. I wouldn't be so cynical if the Big Pharms were more forthcoming on the use of generic meds in Third World countries (where this could potentially save millions more lives than current pharmaco-legal practices permit).
But even this, Ronnie, is not a good enough reason to not do all you can to be as well and as healthy as you can. If the choice is either (possibly suicidal) depression with a clear social commitment or "better living through chemistry" (sorry, Dupont) by giving the Big Pharms your money, it becomes a no-brainer. I do say if that is the choice, though. There exist many alternative paths to healing, therapy being only one of them.
About meds, I really have only this to say (and I know I've said it before but it bears repeating): psychotropic drugs are very powerful chemicals; they have serious effects on the body and on the brain; they are not to be toyed with. Take your meds as prescribed; if they have adverse effects, tell your doctor. He may be a specialist regarding general physiology but you, yourself, are the specialist regarding your own feelings and your knowledge of your body. If she's any good, your doctor will listen and pay attention to you. Participate by becoming a partner, with your doctor or psychiatrist, in the betterment of your own health.
Again, be well, all of you.
Love,
CJ
-
Kay(SO)
- E-mail address not valid - Contact Admin
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 9:03 am
- Location: North Carolina
Okay,
I guess I'll pop in one more time CJ.
From my own personal experience and not professional (that would be taking a bus man's holiday), meds saved me from a black hole of despair. I should have been on meds as an adolescent but they didn't do that back then. I was suicidal and extremely manic so I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. I did every drug available in every method you can imagine starting at the age of 14 and continued until I was 28. I couldn't stand how I felt. The worst of it was though that doing that only made things worse and I attempted suicide twice; age 15 and on my 21st birthday.
I got clean in 1988 through the 28 day spin cycle method but never relapsed and have been clean since (17-years as of June 6th
). However, even with therapy the depressive episodes continued only I had no way to deal with them since I was off mood altering chemicals.
Somehow I survived having twins and became a single mother but when they were 3 yrs old I couldn't take it anymore and started taking meds. I was working, going to school and doing an internship all at the same time. They are 11 now. I have switched types of meds a few times over the years and currently take a high dose of Effexor and Wellbutrin daily. I have never felt better and feel that meds saved me.
As I became a therapist I continued seeing one and a psychiatrist for meds. I won't ever go off of them as I have no desire to. As far as I'm concerned I didn't become "me" or human until I started taking them. I always felt "different" before and now I don't. I think to each his own and for some it works and for other's it doesn't. I just felt it necessary to tell a success story because not everyone has a bad experience with meds. I recommend them to certain clients but not all. Anyhoo, that's my story. I don't put it out there often so I'm not sure what came over me. The topic I guess, which affects me deeply.
Kay(SO)
I guess I'll pop in one more time CJ.
From my own personal experience and not professional (that would be taking a bus man's holiday), meds saved me from a black hole of despair. I should have been on meds as an adolescent but they didn't do that back then. I was suicidal and extremely manic so I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. I did every drug available in every method you can imagine starting at the age of 14 and continued until I was 28. I couldn't stand how I felt. The worst of it was though that doing that only made things worse and I attempted suicide twice; age 15 and on my 21st birthday.
I got clean in 1988 through the 28 day spin cycle method but never relapsed and have been clean since (17-years as of June 6th
). However, even with therapy the depressive episodes continued only I had no way to deal with them since I was off mood altering chemicals. Somehow I survived having twins and became a single mother but when they were 3 yrs old I couldn't take it anymore and started taking meds. I was working, going to school and doing an internship all at the same time. They are 11 now. I have switched types of meds a few times over the years and currently take a high dose of Effexor and Wellbutrin daily. I have never felt better and feel that meds saved me.
As I became a therapist I continued seeing one and a psychiatrist for meds. I won't ever go off of them as I have no desire to. As far as I'm concerned I didn't become "me" or human until I started taking them. I always felt "different" before and now I don't. I think to each his own and for some it works and for other's it doesn't. I just felt it necessary to tell a success story because not everyone has a bad experience with meds. I recommend them to certain clients but not all. Anyhoo, that's my story. I don't put it out there often so I'm not sure what came over me. The topic I guess, which affects me deeply.
Kay(SO)
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Yes, thanks, Kay.
This is turning out to be a pretty funky thread. I love personal stories. I guess I should put a little of myself out there, too. I promise I'll be brief.
Other than half a Valium my mother had my brother and I each take--with a shot of brandy, no less--when I was about 11 years old (on the journey home from Wildwood, NJ, crammed, restless and sleepless, into the hatchback space of a Ford Pinto), I've never taken any psychotropic medication. Nor have I ever had any kind of therapy. Growing up with a child psychologist for a father was therapy enough, I guess.
Although I'm not aware of any relatives who suffer from Bipolar Disorder, depression does run in the family. I, myself, suffered from frequent bouts of depression for much of my life. During my teens and my early- to mid-20's, I very often felt suicidal.
In my 26th year, I had an epiphany of sorts, a moment of grace, a timeless "now," that forever changed my life. It was an intensely religious and spiritual moment but, at the same time, it wasn't. I just felt, well, connected, to everyone and to everything else. My episodes of depression vanished practically from one day to the next (along with most of my anger, bitterness, and fear). I felt in my soul I was free for the first time in my life. This lasted for almost fifteen years.
About three years ago, events in my life were such that I nosedived, I crashed and burned. This happened in the middle of winter. It took me months to recover. I was stunned; I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I thought depression was a thing of the past for me. It happened again the following winter. During my routine medical checkup I mentioned this to my doctor. She told me I may have SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder (not uncommon in areas of the world where "the sun don't shine" for weeks or months at a time). She (reluctantly) wanted to prescribe Zyban (Wellbutrin) but, because I have a heart murmur, she refrained. She prescribed luminotherapy instead; starting in November, all the way to March, twenty minutes under the lamp in the morning and twenty at night. I never got around to following her advice and, lo and behold, it happened to me again this year, starting in late February (it's one of the main reasons I left the forum for a while). This fall, I plan to take her seriously and go get myself that lamp.
Why have I once again become a prey to depression? I'm not sure. I've been asking myself this for a couple of years now. I had an incredible talk with my boss a couple of months ago. He thinks there are possibly a few factors. One, I'm in my 40's now. It's a time of questioning, doubt, and re-examination of my long-term goals. Possibly, regret starts to rear its ugly head, as well. Two, the strain of not being in a relationship and missing sexual contact with another person is beginning to affect me. Three, the "flowering" of my variant-gendered self (largely a result of my having discovered this forum--which he knows about and the value of which he clearly understands) has made me realize just how unpleasant some obstacles are, in the "real" world, to my being able to just the hell be who I am. Unfortunately, he says, that includes gender expression limits in the work I do. Finally--and this is the clincher for him (and I think he's right)--the work I do is forcing me to deal with my own emotional issues, issues I maybe would've preferred had remained buried. My trying to help people or, at the very least, accompanying them through their sometimes terrible trials as they wander and wade through their illnesses, cannot help but have occasionally negative consequences on my own emotional states. My boss is forever saying that we, ourselves--our minds, our hearts, our souls--are the principal tools in our "helping kit." Sometimes, the blade gets dulled, the hammer's handle cracked, and the screwdriver chipped. Time to take it a bit more easy, to set limits. Otherwise, what starts out as depression can lead to total burnout. Again, I think he's right.
Well, not so brief after all, I guess. Sorry.
I'm not sure how helpful this can be to anyone, this mini psych bio. Maybe as an example of another "success story," but one without meds. The "secret of my success"? After all these years, and after all these roads taken (and not taken), finally, I came to accept, and to love, myself as I am. I am a pearl, too, you see. We all are, meds or no meds.
Love,
CJ
Yes, thanks, Kay.
This is turning out to be a pretty funky thread. I love personal stories. I guess I should put a little of myself out there, too. I promise I'll be brief.
Other than half a Valium my mother had my brother and I each take--with a shot of brandy, no less--when I was about 11 years old (on the journey home from Wildwood, NJ, crammed, restless and sleepless, into the hatchback space of a Ford Pinto), I've never taken any psychotropic medication. Nor have I ever had any kind of therapy. Growing up with a child psychologist for a father was therapy enough, I guess.
Although I'm not aware of any relatives who suffer from Bipolar Disorder, depression does run in the family. I, myself, suffered from frequent bouts of depression for much of my life. During my teens and my early- to mid-20's, I very often felt suicidal.
In my 26th year, I had an epiphany of sorts, a moment of grace, a timeless "now," that forever changed my life. It was an intensely religious and spiritual moment but, at the same time, it wasn't. I just felt, well, connected, to everyone and to everything else. My episodes of depression vanished practically from one day to the next (along with most of my anger, bitterness, and fear). I felt in my soul I was free for the first time in my life. This lasted for almost fifteen years.
About three years ago, events in my life were such that I nosedived, I crashed and burned. This happened in the middle of winter. It took me months to recover. I was stunned; I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I thought depression was a thing of the past for me. It happened again the following winter. During my routine medical checkup I mentioned this to my doctor. She told me I may have SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder (not uncommon in areas of the world where "the sun don't shine" for weeks or months at a time). She (reluctantly) wanted to prescribe Zyban (Wellbutrin) but, because I have a heart murmur, she refrained. She prescribed luminotherapy instead; starting in November, all the way to March, twenty minutes under the lamp in the morning and twenty at night. I never got around to following her advice and, lo and behold, it happened to me again this year, starting in late February (it's one of the main reasons I left the forum for a while). This fall, I plan to take her seriously and go get myself that lamp.
Why have I once again become a prey to depression? I'm not sure. I've been asking myself this for a couple of years now. I had an incredible talk with my boss a couple of months ago. He thinks there are possibly a few factors. One, I'm in my 40's now. It's a time of questioning, doubt, and re-examination of my long-term goals. Possibly, regret starts to rear its ugly head, as well. Two, the strain of not being in a relationship and missing sexual contact with another person is beginning to affect me. Three, the "flowering" of my variant-gendered self (largely a result of my having discovered this forum--which he knows about and the value of which he clearly understands) has made me realize just how unpleasant some obstacles are, in the "real" world, to my being able to just the hell be who I am. Unfortunately, he says, that includes gender expression limits in the work I do. Finally--and this is the clincher for him (and I think he's right)--the work I do is forcing me to deal with my own emotional issues, issues I maybe would've preferred had remained buried. My trying to help people or, at the very least, accompanying them through their sometimes terrible trials as they wander and wade through their illnesses, cannot help but have occasionally negative consequences on my own emotional states. My boss is forever saying that we, ourselves--our minds, our hearts, our souls--are the principal tools in our "helping kit." Sometimes, the blade gets dulled, the hammer's handle cracked, and the screwdriver chipped. Time to take it a bit more easy, to set limits. Otherwise, what starts out as depression can lead to total burnout. Again, I think he's right.
Well, not so brief after all, I guess. Sorry.
I'm not sure how helpful this can be to anyone, this mini psych bio. Maybe as an example of another "success story," but one without meds. The "secret of my success"? After all these years, and after all these roads taken (and not taken), finally, I came to accept, and to love, myself as I am. I am a pearl, too, you see. We all are, meds or no meds.Love,
CJ
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Hi CJ.
Thank you also for sharing your story along with the rest. Being as I have shared mine elsewhere on this forum I will not repeat it.
I will how ever share that about 10 years ago I crashed and burned out similar to what you have described and it took about as long to come out of it as you, also with a none med solution.
When people share like they have here it makes them appear more human, and I think brings us closer. For me it certainly helps to understand what others are dealing with, and helps to me understand them better.
Love Darlene.
Thank you also for sharing your story along with the rest. Being as I have shared mine elsewhere on this forum I will not repeat it.
I will how ever share that about 10 years ago I crashed and burned out similar to what you have described and it took about as long to come out of it as you, also with a none med solution.
When people share like they have here it makes them appear more human, and I think brings us closer. For me it certainly helps to understand what others are dealing with, and helps to me understand them better.
Love Darlene.
-
Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
You bring up a very good point Ronnie. Some times I have read a post where that comes through, and it just makes me want to get out of there. I don’t even feel like responding to it. That kind of thing can alienate, set up a wall that hurts the author, and some times if it is continuous... the forum. As it can make others feel like they do not want to be apart of something like that.I couldn't hear. I was blinded by bitterness.
Love Darlene.
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Thank you for your honesty here, it does help me understand more. The closest thing I am able to identify with is that while cross-dressing can be the cause of a lot of friction, the nourishment that it provides for me helps to make me live a more functional life. But that started to become a reality only after I accepted the fact that is the only way I know of to get certain basic needs met.
The symptoms of fibromyalga also contribute to helping me understand somewhat better. It is like it is a full time job just being able to be free of pain and fatigue. And it will likely be that way the rest of my life. Which I think I have pretty well accepted.
It is the vast amounts of care and understanding that I have a problem with. I have accepted the reality that there will always be those who will not be able to understand. My family also turned their back on me, and I never had any peace about that until I was able to accept that is the way it is, and began to look else where for support. I believe the degree of care one can give is dependant upon (and in direct proportion to) the degree of understanding one has on any given subject.
While I was struggling over the situation with my family, my therapist who was and still is a friend kept telling me that I would reach a place where what they said and did would not hurt me.
And while I acknowledge that some here have had a problem with that. I have been in that situation for at least the last ten years now. And it appears to me that if those affected with bipolar were able to attain that they would suffer less depression. But alas I have not met any. But yet most of my friends do have that quality. It almost appears as though there is something about being affected with the bipolar disorder that prevents that from happening.
Until I was able to reach that place… I was controlled by what others thought, did and said about and to me. And as such I was not a self controlled person. As a result I wasted a lot of time focused on others needs which left me little time to think about meeting my own. And the more my needs were not being met the more I needed external (and some times unhealthy) things to attempt to fill the void.
Peace,
Darlene.
The symptoms of fibromyalga also contribute to helping me understand somewhat better. It is like it is a full time job just being able to be free of pain and fatigue. And it will likely be that way the rest of my life. Which I think I have pretty well accepted.
It is the vast amounts of care and understanding that I have a problem with. I have accepted the reality that there will always be those who will not be able to understand. My family also turned their back on me, and I never had any peace about that until I was able to accept that is the way it is, and began to look else where for support. I believe the degree of care one can give is dependant upon (and in direct proportion to) the degree of understanding one has on any given subject.
While I was struggling over the situation with my family, my therapist who was and still is a friend kept telling me that I would reach a place where what they said and did would not hurt me.
And while I acknowledge that some here have had a problem with that. I have been in that situation for at least the last ten years now. And it appears to me that if those affected with bipolar were able to attain that they would suffer less depression. But alas I have not met any. But yet most of my friends do have that quality. It almost appears as though there is something about being affected with the bipolar disorder that prevents that from happening.
Until I was able to reach that place… I was controlled by what others thought, did and said about and to me. And as such I was not a self controlled person. As a result I wasted a lot of time focused on others needs which left me little time to think about meeting my own. And the more my needs were not being met the more I needed external (and some times unhealthy) things to attempt to fill the void.
Peace,
Darlene.
