latanya's place

[Latanya]

so continue
so i went to this wedding last nite. went underdressed with bra, panties and black tights. put on a little mascara and lip gloss. was the first event that my ex and i attended. i am sure she didnt want me there and as it got closer to the wedding i felt a bit uncomfortable. but ended up ok at least for me. we definitely stayed a way from each other.
did my usual social drinking. got it down to a science! 2 double bourbon's and two double crown royals at the Smörgåsbord . then nothing during the ceremony and only water the during the dinner. then my emotions hit me which for me is progress. it was kind of sad not having a companion there and it bothered me. i was never much of a conversationalist and i am still not and there were many times over the years that we barely said anything to each other. so to feel the void is good and means i am going in the right direction. again not sure what the cause is(hormones,therapy or both) and it doesnt really matter cause i am staying the course right now. i like the movement in my emotional state.
i did do something that was very out of character for him (or just me).i was walking around with glass in hand and a women passed me and said hi with my name. i drecognize her at first but then it came back to me. hadnt seen her in years and just new her professionally never socially. she really looked good. usually i would have left it at that!
but i didnt. during the meal i walked over to her table. sat down and apoligized for not recognizing her and told her how good she looked and that i like her new hair style. she thanked me and we talked for a while. it felt good and like i said very out of character for me. so yes i do see this as all progress!

[Anna]

Excellent hun, sounds like you had a good time!

[Latanya]

its work in progress anna

[Anthony Simon]

Sounds like it's going pretty well, Anya. You didn't mention how it turned out with your kids, though.

[Latanya]

only spent it with the two girls and it was good
it was my oldest's birthday so i felt it was the minimum (and probably the only thing considering my finances)i could do and spend some time with her!
made me aware that i could at least see her more often. i have never been the warm and cuddly kind of guy b ut i do feel the change and did get emotionally worked up about it. and i told her i loved her (something i also dont readily express)
so like i said progress and stay the course!
thanks Anthony for the response

[Latanya]

a cute poster
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos- ... 5197_n.jpg

[Latanya]

so it is time to dig a bit deeper.
the question is who is Latanya/ what is latanya?
maybe more to the point who /what am i l?
like i have started many times Latanya is polar opposite of him
i see latanya as an outgoing fun girl. on who likes attention and likes being out there and in the mix. he is basically a stick in the mud. and yet i realize they are both me. so how is it so easy for latanya to be what she is and for him it is like pulling teeth.
growing up and well into adulthood i tried to deny that i was a crossdresser! about 4years ago i finally admitted it and accepted it. then about 1 year ago i finally accepted that i was more than a crossdresser. there some tg in me as well.
so now i am comfortable in being tg fluid.
this has been the longest time that i have acted out my fem side. almost 9 months in which i call the integrated mode.
it is safe to say that if i go without a minimum of bra and panties i am uncomfortable. its almost second nature now for me to stay shaven and underdress.
as i explained i am doing the hormones not to transition but to shift the balance towards my fem side to make it easier to be that personable emotional being. i dont want to transition at least i don think so. i never felt myself in the wrong body. do i fantasize about being this beautiful woman? definitely! do i adore how women look, walk, and talk for sure. and i feel that even if i wanted to transition, financial and mostly family prohibit me from doing it.
so far i have felt that he has gone along in trying to move towards the middle. and i have seen progress! but it is slow and sometimes difficult.
so am i missing something? is HE still in denial? is HE in his own way fighting all this?
am i more tg than i thought an jut denying it and fighting it? th
this is where i am right now! to some extent it is good because i am beginning to deal with issues that have affected me for so long! but on the other hand i find it very perplexing and disconcerting!
this is one of those posts that responses would be very much appreciated
thanks girls in advance

[Leeza]

Anya.

When we start to make changes in ourselves it takes time. You spent many years developing HIM into what he is today. Now you are trying to make changes in HIM. Whether he wants the change or not, they still take time.

In the process of change you will find Latanya. Where your balance point is, only time will tell. You will find the point where you are comfortable with who you are.

Leeza

[Latanya]

well week 18 on the hormones and pretty much the same! however the last 5 days the breast have been even more sensitive.
had an interesting day! since i am on probation (got involved in some white collar stuff) i had appear to a mandatory job workshop.
had to sit thru 2 hrs of bs. mostly stuff i already know and wouldnt help me get a white collar job anyway.
but one episode was interesting to say the least! the discussion was about what to wear to an interview. they had a young girl stand up(she was in a halter,and cut off shorts, hair a mess). the leader asked if she should wear that to an interview and i responded by critiquing her from head to toe. ffom getting her hair done, extenuating her figure, down to her shoes(no more that 2inch heels). told her she didnt want to look like a tramp but professional and attractive.
i got a few stares but then i did the same for the guy!!!
it was so easy for me to do and realized how much influence latanya now has in everyday stuff.

[Sarah Ann]

This journal is one of the most impressive topics I've seen here so far. Thank you so much for posting it

FYI, I developed the pair of B cups I have now beginning about 6 months into a heavy dosage of Premarin. Some tissue and nipple development by the 18th week sounds normal to me. Hope that's helpful.

[Latanya]

thanks sara
like i repeated many times i am not looking to transition but to change the balance
but i have to admit i dont mind the physical changes so far

[Phil]

Hi Anya

Thank you for your welcome btw

Really interesting reading your thoughts and developments. Good on you for taking charge and doing what you want. I really admire your courage with the hormones. The advice on here is good though - Doctor involvement is a must. In fact surely he/she must be to get the hormones in the first place?!

Oh well, just being nosey now

Very interested to hear about the physical changes week on week. Take care and keep blogging

Best wishes

[Latanya]

thanks all for r input and reading

[Latanya]

havent posted here in ages so here is an update of latanya
definitely moving into areas i have never been before. i always had episode of the desire to dress. they would last 3 to 4 weeks and then the urge would pass and i would put it away till the next episode. this time its been here since last december. ups and downs yes but always conscious of my fem side and always playing it out in some capacity. dressing in integrated mode is a natural now. doing stuff on line;here other forums and FB are a daily routine as latanya. fair to say the overwhelming time i spend on the internet is as latanya. i accept it fully. its more than just letting it play out. its become who i am. male with an obvious fem side. how much that fem side is going to continue to grow i dont know. time will tell. but its here for sure and to stay.
i have to be honest. after a 2 week hiatus from the mones i am back on. only have a 2 week supply left and am not reordering. decided to just finish what i have and that's it. went back on before the previous regiment completely disappeared. and yes after just 2 days the soreness in the breasts came back.
i have to admit i like how that feels! and most definitely will miss it when i do go off. and girls dont be mad at me. i am not reordering. just finishing up what i have getting the rush and done.
i also have been wearing mascara and lip gloss routinely(except if i feel i will be scrutinized) and again it almost second nature.
as everyone is are fashion is important to me. its a way to express my fem side, a little exploration, definitely some fantasy and role playing. i enjoy viewing girly stuff.i subscribe to over half a dozen sites as well as on FB. it makes me feel good, relaxes me, and cathartic. will however be aware not to do it in excess. there were somedays that i did get carried away. so onward i go an individual that is male and female.
still looking for work and getting a little frustrated. either over qualified or under. and even though i am willing to take almost anything there are employers out there that just won offer it to me because they feel bad about the level of employment. will keep plugging all i can do.
bye for now

[LisaK]

Hope you have a great weekend and I wish everyday for you to be
working and happy.