the times they will be a changin'

[Absaroka]

My daughter comes home from college tomorrow. My wife is retiring in a month. So all those long days of working at home alone are about to end. This happens every summer, but this time it will not change in the fall like it usually does (she's a teacher)

Retirement will be a huge change for her. And for us, in many ways. I'll be working for the foreseeable future, which is fine, I like my profession. Adjusting to working while she is home will be a change. Her entire identity will change somewhat I think.

On to smaller stuff, the reason I'm putting this here. Dressing is something I do alone. In many ways it's tantamount to being my own imaginary friend. When I'm with people and feeling connected the urge becomes far less strong. Of course it doesn't go away.

I have no desire to dress with my wife around. What fun would that be? I have thought often of telling her that this is something I like to do when I'm alone. She knows lots of folks of various non traditional personas, but I think she'd be uncomfortable. I could be wrong. It might be a good idea, mostly in case I get caught sometime. Even if I did tell her, I'd still I think just dress by myself.

So I guess there will be some big transitions in the next year. We've weathered the whole empty nest thing pretty well, I think this will go okay too. After all, for the first 50 odd years of my life I didn't dress very often, and certainly enjoyed stuff like walks in the woods and yard work without wearing my dress.

I come here less often in the summer also, mostly because I have less alone time to read everything. But I'll be coming here because I really enjoy talking with folks here, a lot of you are really nice people. And I'll try to post about my "transition"

Best news of all. Looks like I'll be visiting my namesake this summer. Can't wait.
Zari

[DonnaT]

Best wishes.

But if you do find it to be too much, not dressing, then it might be time to reassess.

[Anthony Simon]

I'm definitely a glass half-empty kind of person, so...

But anyway...I have a feeling that your wife may have a problem with being constrained - like will revolt against kind of being stuck into the fall-back position of stay-at home wife.

If you can't dress, you can always come here anyway. Maybe things'll change again and you'll be back to it.

[Davita]

It's a bit soon to make any judgement calls, but the bad part is, by the time a judgement call should be made, it's going to be towards the late side. Just how some things like this is going to go.

Good luck.

[Paula G]

Zari, I am a little surprised to hear that your wife doesn't know about your dressing, you always seem too have everything so "together". A change like retirement can be quite difficult to adapt to (or so I'm told) having all that time and you around all the time as well may be a challenge, be careful how you add to the challenge. However I would warn that it has to be better to tell than to be discovered.

We all wish you the best for this latest change.

[Absaroka]

Paula my wife knows some, not all. She knows I like to do this, but does not know how often I do it while she is away.

She and I have always had a "spacious" marriage.We're both sexually monogamous, but socially have had a lot of outlets that the other doesn't participate in. I am wondering how much that will change when she has more energy. Will we participate more in each others lives, or find new avenues to pursue on our own?

Prior to having children we both enjoyed a lot of hiking and camping. Kids came along and she didn't feel it was worth leaving the kids with a sitter for the weekend in order to sleep in the mud. I still did, and then a half dozen years ago I developed knee problems and long hikes were no longer a good idea. Along came a resurrection of music, which I post about here now. It was a bit of a surprise that this was something we didn't do together, she being a music teacher. At one point she even sang for a bit in a band I was in. However her feeling was that after teaching music all day what she craved was silence.

On her side of things, she really likes hanging out with her girlfriends. This is something CDs are supposed to like, but I find it appeals to me less and less. She enjoys seeing all her theater people friends and I somehow don't like that so much either.

This space was something that really appealled to us when we were dating. Sometimes I'd like a little bit less of it, other times a little bit more. But I suspect that the balance will change. And Anthony I sure hope you are right about her not being happy being a stay at home wife. The whole retirement idea is predicated on her working at least part time to make up for the reduced income, however she has been so wrapped up in her current job that she hasn't gotten past "well I'd like to work with plants instead of people"

I was, frankly, aprehensive about what would happen when our youngest child left home and it was just the two of us here. However we both found that we did devote more time and attention to each other and enjoyed our new situation. So I figure this is yet another transition that will hold some surprises but generally be a good one.

Zari

[Paula G]

Obviously I will agree with your wife, on the whole I prefer plants to people. It sounds to me like the two of you are about to embark on a bit of an adventure, I do hope you both enjoy it, both the bits together and on your own. I'm sure that neither of you needs me to tell you that you will need "me" time as well as "us" time. Many couples find it hard when they retire, it is usually the man who is in the way at home not knowing what to do with himself after being out at work all day every day, I'm sure that is one reason for golf.

[Absaroka]

I find I reallly have a lot to say about this. But I'm tired and my thoughts are disorganized. Suffice to say that yes they are changing. Maybe later.

Goodnight ladies.

Zari

[Absaroka]

Okay I've got some time and I've been trying to figure out what to say about the last 6 months.

I haven't been here very much. Partly that's just habit. My routine involved sitting down here with my morning coffee before going to work. That always changes in the summer with the family home. Then in the fall there is so much to catch up with that I get overwhelmed. Which new post shall I read first. And now of course, the morning part of that is gone. I'm not home alone all day. But I want to say that I've really enjoyed the folks here and really got a lot from these forums. I hope I've been able to give some of that back.

As I've often mentioned, I don't CD much in the summer. Hot weather is time to enjoy male privilege and wear as little as possible. Gracie once asked " in perfect world how much of the time would you be dressed male and how much of the time would you be dressed female" and I replied that in a perfect world I'd spend a lot of time naked, which got quite a laugh but was true.

So on to the times when I prefer to be clothed.......

The desire to crossdress is still there, and probably always to some degree will be. Currently I'm on staycation again while my wife is away for 2 weeks. I find how I react to be interesting.

There was a time when I'd structure my plans around what I wanted to wear. I find this time that I often prefer to wear male clothing. I'm tired of wondering if someone might stop by, so it's simpler to just be socially presentable, i.e. male mode.

There's a reason for this that's very postive. Over the last couple of years the guy who lives across the street and I have become friends. Now and then he pops over. In other words, I've become less isolated, and CDing is something I like to do alone.

When do I like to CD now? In the evening. Making dinner, watching tv and so on. If I have a rehearsal I usually put back on my male underwear. I used to not do that. But I find the feeling of a secret to be uncomfortable while rehearsing. After all music should tell the truth, and how can I do that if my clothing is a lie? But that's probably a bit too pseudo profound......

If I knew no one might pop over, I'd still enjoy yard work en femme. But as I said, I'm less isolated, and I don't feel the need to make waves by letting the neighborhood in on my little secret.

I remember one staycation wearing my panties to the gym and changing in the locker room, conversing with other guys. No one noticed. But I couldn't pull that off with a bra.

I've always had a real active fantasy life. The "girl autobiographies" certainly showed that. I think that what happened to me was this:

There was always a sexual fetish element to my crossdressing. For a long time that was the largest part of it. But for years, even though I had ample opportunity, working alone at home, I acted on this sporadically. Then one day I bought myself some lingerie and realized I could wear it around the house. This was different from wearing the lingerie of some other person, like my wife, girlfriend, or mother when I was little. Coincidentally this happened at a time when my daughters were growing up and there was a new distance. There was a big void in my life, a painful one, because it wasn't just about distance. Both daughters were going through some very painful times, and suddenly I wasn't welcome to try to help. Welcome to early adolescence, right on schedule.......What can we fill the void with? For some it's food, drugs, gambling, sex. My sex was tame (and solitary) and it led to a sort of playacting that was peripheral to the sex. A whole new little persona...........let me write a book about it......

Fast forward. My daughters are older and more mature, and our relationships are vastly improved. Every parent misses the children that their offspring once were but if we are lucky that relationship is replaced by a very positive one with another adult, one who will of course still always be your child. It's like a wonderful breath of fresh air. Part of the void is still there, but the pain of watching someone you love struggle and reject your help is gone.

My relationship with my wife is changing. i can't say much about it, as it's in the beginnning of that. But if she's gone for an hour the idea of quickly dressing up for half an hour while I can holds very little appeal to me.

I guess maybe two things have happened. I got to CD a lot for a number of years. I finally got to do it almost enough. Certainly enough that I don't jump at opportunities like I used to. To put it in food terms, I feel almost full.

The other thing has to do with that time alone. And here is where that fantasy life comes in. I feel like I've become my own imaginary friend. Like by wearing a dress I'm keeping myself company on staycation as I watch tv or cook dinner. Sometimes that imaginary friend is a sexual partner. But I'm getting older, and even my imaginary friend is losing interest in sex. More often now it's just a non sexual release of letting myself do what I still sort of want to do. Sometimes it's simply the enjoyment of the sensuality of the clothing, the closest similarity of course for male clothing being naked. Sometimes I pretend I'm a woman. Perhaps that's about sex, or about nurturing myself in some way- yard work, cooking dinner. Sometimes, as you will see, it's about accepting my age. Other times I'm a girl. That's about youth. About the carefree feeling of being much younger and far more invincible. When I go hiking is a skirt, that's a girl. Sometimes when I do yard work I'm a girl. At that point there is a strong component to all of this that is not sexual. I'm not sure what it is. What is it about a girl that feels more youthful than a boy? Is it because I've already been a boy?

So to sum it all up, I feel like I finally got to do almost enough CDing. I feel like I've become my own imaginary friend, and that one part of this friend is simple sexual partner, one part is lover as opposed to anonymous partner, and a big part is just a non sexual friend. Part of it is just theater in my own mind. And because I've done this almost enough, it's no longer worth going to a lot of trouble for, I only CD when it's really convenient. It's lost a lot of power.

And at the end of the day, they are just clothes, and they don't define me. They are what I wear, not what I am. When I can't wear them I sometimes miss them, but not unbearably so.

I hope this makes some sort of sense to someone.

Absaroka

[Anthony Simon]

...one day I bought myself some lingerie and realized I could wear it around the house. This was different from wearing the lingerie of some other person, like my wife, girlfriend, or mother when I was little. Coincidentally this happened at a time when my daughters were growing up and there was a new distance. There was a big void in my life, a painful one, because it wasn't just about distance. Both daughters were going through some very painful times, and suddenly I wasn't welcome to try to help.

We had this conversation about meaning in life and you said something to the effect that family was a big part of that. So here you're saying that suddenly you were being denied a large part of that meaning - in that you weren't allowed to help (at least that's my take on it). I would construe that as the basis of the void (at least in part).

Welcome to early adolescence, right on schedule.......What can we fill the void with? For some it's food, drugs, gambling, sex. My sex was tame (and solitary) and it led to a sort of playacting that was peripheral to the sex. A whole new little persona...........let me write a book about it......

If it was about doing something to counteract the lack of meaning in your life, wouldn't that imply that this whole new (female) persona provided a new sort of meaning for you? I know you don't think that the CDing was about "acting out youre female side", but that's where this logic is taking me.

[April Rose]

This idea of 'Meaning' resonates with me. I find that, as I've gotten older, the comfort I find in being dressed in women's clothes has more to do with making sense. In other words, dressed as a woman, I simply am. In drab, I am at work, dealing with the stress of business, or I am at home, either okay, or dealing with some problem, or thinking about when I will be able to put on a dress. In drab , there is always this vague, background noise of longing. Dressed as a woman, I do my housework, or cook a meal, or do what needs to be done. It is only when I change back into a male role that I start to question things.

Keep in mind, I'm over sixty, so the sexual aspect is not what it was.

[Anita]

Hi Zari

Oh no! Anita's written another book, just in answering a question!

There was a time when I'd structure my plans around what I wanted to wear. I find this time that I often prefer to wear male clothing. I'm tired of wondering if someone might stop by, so it's simpler to just be socially presentable, i.e. male mode.

I have always wondered about this issue, for you and all of the forum members who dress at home. I think that part of me would always be on edge about the prospect of someone coming to the house. I suppose that if that is your only time to dress, then you take the time when it presents itself, and unexpected visitors are part of the picture. But I cringed when someone wrote about their daughter dropping in at a time when she ordinarily wouldn’t have done so. I don’t think she ‘caught’ the poster, but it probably forced the poster to pretend not to be home, which puzzled the daughter.

When do I like to CD now? In the evening. Making dinner, watching tv and so on. If I have a rehearsal I usually put back on my male underwear. I used to not do that. But I find the feeling of a secret to be uncomfortable while rehearsing. After all music should tell the truth, and how can I do that if my clothing is a lie? But that's probably a bit too pseudo profound......

No, that makes sense to me. And underdressing is something that I never found comfort in to begin with, so I have no real way of knowing how others handle it. But your reaction here is similar to what mine would be.

A whole new little persona...........let me write a book about it......

You found a new way to express your persona by the process of buying and wearing the clothes, and that happened whether you identify as female or whether you identify as male.
In other words, the ‘gender’ of the clothing opened new doors, but it didn’t necessarily mean that the new direction had to include female feeling inside.

It’s almost like your other selves just happen to be women—but their inner feelings about themselves are not tied to being female.

I guess maybe two things have happened. I got to CD a lot for a number of years. I finally got to do it almost enough. Certainly enough that I don't jump at opportunities like I used to. To put it in food terms, I feel almost full.

I share that feeling right now. A trans woman friend asked me about that last night. She was confused about why I felt I had to come out at all, given that I feel OK about living in both genders. I gave her the analogy that I’ve put down here—it’s like I have an airplane out at the airport, available and ready to fly at any time. I don’t use it much, but if it weren’t there, I would feel desperate, and trapped on the ground.

The other thing has to do with that time alone. And here is where that fantasy life comes in. I feel like I've become my own imaginary friend.

I have some experience of that, in my own fantasy life. When I’m being my woman persona, I’m not as conscious of this, but when I’m going about my male self routines, I sometimes access the ‘other’ self, and she has different knowledge and abilities than I do. Anthony has talked of “the woman in the mirror” knowing more than Anthony does.

About the carefree feeling of being much younger and far more invincible. When I go hiking is a skirt, that's a girl. Sometimes when I do yard work I'm a girl. At that point there is a strong component to all of this that is not sexual. I'm not sure what it is. What is it about a girl that feels more youthful than a boy? Is it because I've already been a boy?

It could be that your boy youth is some ‘distance’ away in your memory, while the ‘girl youth’ memories are more recent—the girls came later.
My girlself didn’t come to life until I was 49, so her teenage feelings are more immediate than my boy memories are.

So to sum it all up, I feel like I finally got to do almost enough CDing. I feel like I've become my own imaginary friend, and that one part of this friend is simple sexual partner, one part is lover as opposed to anonymous partner, and a big part is just a non sexual friend. Part of it is just theater in my own mind. And because I've done this almost enough, it's no longer worth going to a lot of trouble for, I only CD when it's really convenient. It's lost a lot of power.

Yes, it has lost power when it’s just an occasional thing. I’ll either transition and make it fulltime, or I’ll probably continue to lose interest. There doesn’t seem to be much in between.

And at the end of the day, they are just clothes, and they don't define me. They are what I wear, not what I am. When I can't wear them I sometimes miss them, but not unbearably so.

It is a little paradox. They don’t bring female feelings about just because you’re wearing them. At the same time, there is something different about them; they have an effect on you that nothing else does. I’m repeating myself, but it’s easy to fall into thinking that since they’re clothes designed for women, then a desire to wear them means a desire to ‘be’ female in some way. That’s not necessarily true, for you and some other members here.

Yet if one does want some kind of female identity, these same clothes are a way to do that. It can be very confusing, not just to outsiders looking in, but to us who deal with this issue every day.

[Absaroka]

A nice little tome Anita. I enjoyed it.

Update. I really haven't dressed. A couple of times I have had the opportunity, and when I did it felt like a hassle. Most time I don't want to bother. I've toyed with the idea of donating most of my girl clothes to Goodwill, but we know what seems to happen when we do that. Maybe it's good to have them around, to make it possible and thus less important.

One phrase from the other posts really hit home. The theater in my own mind. That seems to be finding other outlets.

I'm enjoying my wife's retirement. She is far less stressed out and a lot more fun, even though there are abunch of adjustments on my part.

Funny how not dressing seems to decrease the urge to post here also. Hope all is well with everyone, I owe the people here a lot

Absaroka