Concealed Debut

[Anthony Simon]

Yesterday I went to see my dad, who is 93. I knew before I went that this was likely to be a very testing meeting. All of our times together have all these various agendas hidden in the background - So, like you're saying one thing and entirely other things are going on underneath.

Because he's so old, you've got to take good care not to say anything that's going to upset him; his physical condition is very frail. But there are things you need to get said.

I did think out pretty closely what he was liable to do and my feeling was I was going to need to take "my woman" with me to control the meeting enough. Like she would give me the necessary emotional space just to keep my balance if I could go into her while I was there.

So I dressed up the previous night (though without doing the full makeup thing) and underdressed with a pantie-girdle when I went out. That's the first time ever I'd underdressed. I felt it would give me the necessary baseline from which I could get in touch with "my woman" later.

When I was at my dad's things did go on pretty much as expected. But he was constantly rushing me, which was one thing I hadn't expected. But, at one point, he fell into a short, light sleep. Then I took out a wig I brought with me (a cheap one, but highly femininizing) and went in the bathroom. I did manage to go into "my woman" (it wasn't a perfect transformation, but enough).

This not only gave me space from the rushing, but also brought another perspective into play. So, when I came out of the bathroom and was able to talk to him again, I was coming from somewhere else - a much more compassionate place. This allowed me to turn the meeting around and, I'm pretty sure, get in all the stuff that needed to be done.

At the end of the meeting my father said "You did well" and I replied "You didn't do so badly yourself". I don't think we've ever quite left it on such mutually respectful terms.

This is "my woman's" debut in real life. Which, to look at it from another perspective, means she's in my life for real. Because the result was so good, she's not coming out either.

[KimberlyS]

I am glad it went well for you both.

[Karin]

Its taken me a few days to answer this. There's just so much going on in this post Anthony.

Firstly.. Kudos to you for having a 'good' chat with your dad.. It seemed to have a sort of conciliatory tone to it when I read it. That HAS to be good right? No matter how that's achieved its still the best outcome so... yaay!

But then just 'how' it was achieved is pretty significant too. Eleanor was there to 'assist', and she did that quite well by the sounds of it.

And then even more significant is the fact that you actually TOOK Eleanor there? Forgive me if I'm wrong..but that seems like a milestone in acceptance right there.

It seems that 'She is you, you are her and then there's balance'. - So if this works so well, why not let her come out for fun stuff too? Is it time? Sorry if that sounds pushy but yeah..I just have a feeling that she'd like it

[Anthony Simon]

And then even more significant is the fact that you actually TOOK Eleanor there? Forgive me if I'm wrong..but that seems like a milestone in acceptance right there.

Absolutely, that's the point. I mean, whatever I do after that, I can't deny that she's part of me. It's not just like a spare-time activity and a bit of fun and somehow marginal to the "real me", who is a man.

It seems that 'She is you, you are her and then there's balance'.

Well, pretty much. She certainly allowed me to come to a balanced view of the situation. But then there's also the aspect of it where I kind of needed to "bring her up in the mix" - get the balance right like that.

This was a really testing situation and bringing her up in the mix worked so well. That means that I'm going to want her in other, pressure situations. And there is the aspect of "the real person" comes out under pressure - which says the real me is both man and woman both. If that sticks I've just effectively shifted my identity from "man" to somewhere in between.

- So if this works so well, why not let her come out for fun stuff too? Is it time? Sorry if that sounds pushy but yeah..I just have a feeling that she'd like it

I'm going to let this play out. It seems like there is some kind of long-term process happening. I'd love to get dressed up and go out there as a woman. I'm also scared s***less of it.

[Karin]

"the real person" comes out under pressure - which says the real me is both man and woman both.

*I can't resist this..

As my wife said to me when I came out.."Oh I already knew that!"
You joined this site nearly three years ago? My gender clinic says if its been going on for more than two years? Its real.

Sometimes we need 'All our strength' - that can mean 'him', 'her' and even the 'horrible thing' chained up in the corner. I don't know about you, but I think any game is easier if we play with a full deck?

I'd love to get dressed up and go out there as a woman. I'm also scared s***less of it.

Two ways I went...
One was full bore. Fully dressed - but in a different town to my own
And the other was discretely taking 'parts of me' out in my real world (ultimately building up to all of me).

Don't be scared just yet heehee.. It's like finding the right volume on the stereo? Hmm too quiet? Whack it right up? Ahh too loud now? Down a bit and..yesss!
(Of course, I always find myself nudging the volume upwards when my ears adjust.. )

Plus I'm mad.

[Anthony Simon]

"the real person" comes out under pressure - which says the real me is both man and woman both.

*I can't resist this..

As my wife said to me when I came out.."Oh I already knew that!"

So I guess that was you saying some variant of "I'm a girl". If your wife said she already knew, then it kind of makes sense of the girls you knew as a teenager giving you (?) that punk belt. Then that would be their variant of "he's a girl".

You joined this site nearly three years ago? My gender clinic says if its been going on for more than two years? Its real.

There's definitely been a shift, albeit tectonically plates type slow. I mean I was saying stuff like "I'm a man with a bit that's not there" - like there was a bit of me that didn't know who or what it was. I don't really have that feeling anymore - there's a woman there.

I did often say that there is a lot of woman in me, but "my woman" seemed more nascent than anything else. She still needs some development, but she seems like a structured actual being now.

Sometimes we need 'All our strength' - that can mean 'him', 'her' and even the 'horrible thing' chained up in the corner. I don't know about you, but I think any game is easier if we play with a full deck?

Well, if society looks at me and sees someone with two people inside his head, it might decide that my definition of a full deck is not their's. But I know there's a kind of "rightness" to the way Eleanor is there now. So that's like an internal integrity that I hadn't achieved properly before. And actually I think you're right, that does mean I'm operating with all my strength.

That 'horrible thing" you've got (had) chained up in the corner? I think you've got to be really careful about that.

I'd love to get dressed up and go out there as a woman. I'm also scared s***less of it.

Two ways I went...
One was full bore. Fully dressed - but in a different town to my own
And the other was discretely taking 'parts of me' out in my real world (ultimately building up to all of me).

Don't be scared just yet heehee.. It's like finding the right volume on the stereo? Hmm too quiet? Whack it right up? Ahh too loud now? Down a bit and..yesss!
(Of course, I always find myself nudging the volume upwards when my ears adjust.. )

It's like I haven't really prepared myself for it. Which is not to say I always do that, but mostly.

Plus I'm mad.

You're not mad, you're crazy. Just like all the rest of us.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Okay im a bit out of place here, i think i see some of where your comeing from, of cause theres more history behind the detail here & not knowing that does not help me.

Aged dad, whos seen you only as a ill take it as a son & while talking with him at this time you needed to come to him with some help = from how you see your self as like a woman. okay some clothes,

well it seems it went well from what your saying. thats really good,

A ? that may appared to be part of this is how are you going as growing as a person to who you should be, some times many think only of being like a woman or transforming into one ill use that here, .
What about growing into the ...person... you should be first then allow to then grow into a woman.

maybe a lack of confidence in your self not confident in who you are, useing clothes to bolster your self up to give you a help on the way. not being sure of your self, & self doughts,

Yes im, a bit different yet i had to grow into a woman to be a woman, the word grow is very importaint, if you dont grow we dont get far, do we,

One thing i had to do was first grow into my self, to do that i had to mature into being myself in other words growup. now that can take time as we all do it at different times its not a all together at the same time,

So how are you going how are you finding this are you making headway. have you encounted set backs or sailing along just nicely thank you,

Okay i know its harder talking with someone you dont really know = myself, let alone know at all other than what little iv writen , as i said i maybe out of place in asking , so dont be offended, thats not the intent.

Just glad it went well this time for you,

...noeleena...

[Anthony Simon]

With the growth thing, the complicating factor is that neither of my parents want me to grow up. Both of them are old and I don't really care about my mother. But it does actually make me conflicted about how I relate to my father.

He's going to die soon and I can't really afford to mess about any more. Like I need all my bits (wits) about me. That's a part of me "growing into my woman", though I haven't thought so much about it.

Although I'm pretty damn intellectual and am always thinking through stuff, there are also times when I don't really want to know too much about what's going on.

Sometimes the stuff down there is so damn horrid that it's better (for me) just to treat life as a series of problems and deal with each of them as they come up. As long as I feel, instinctively, I'm on more or less the right path and things are going OK, I don't really worry too much.

My basic philosophy is to stay on the path - which I can feel instinctively - and then growth will come. I do absolutely agree with you that growth is vital, it's just that it comes to me through working out problems rather than going for it per se.

Like the real problem is finding "the path". 'Cos I don't think anyone's been down this one before. At least not exactly.

[Karin]

The nearer I got to self acceptance, the worse it got with two people rattling round in me. Since accepting myself? They've merged again - there's just me now.

Although I'm pretty damn intellectual and am always thinking through stuff, there are also times when I don't really want to know too much about what's going on

Uh oh.. I was like that too. 'HE' was always getting into the over thinking too - regulary got told to stop. Then when it all kicked off? A crazy wave of throwing caution to the wind of which I regret... nothing.

Like the real problem is finding "the path". 'Cos I don't think anyone's been down this one before. At least not exactlyexactly

Open your eyes. It's there!

[Kelly]

Anthony,

I took me 40+ years to get completely, head to toe, dressed. Believe me, I understand tectonic! I also know what it is like to be scared s***less about it.

You will know in your heart of hearts when the time comes, I did. Just don't let your hesitancy get in your way. When the time is right, the time is right; take the plunge.

For what it is worth, here is what worked right for me. I used a make over service just far enough away so that the chances of running into someone I knew was close to nil. There were a few services, I chose on the availability of an experienced hostess to accompany you for the day. She was more like a mentor and she was wonderful.

My mentor knew when to gently cox, to be cautious, when to leave me alone, and when to stick by my side. Yes, her skills in make up were amazing, the fashion 101 instruction informative; but the really important thing I got out of the service were the words of wisdom about going out.

Things like:
Were we are going every one is too busy with their own agenda to fret over you.
Besides, you'll never see them again, so what is the big deal.
Eye contact and a smile is a girls best weapon.
If you act normal, people will treat you normal.
Relax, your here to have fun. So have fun.
Bartenders, Wait staff, and sales clerks are a cross dressers best friend. (probably because we buy a lot, or are generous tippers )

Now, I did get read. I could tell, a guy in a department store was staring at me, his eyes as big as saucers, and his jaw dropped down to his stomach. This was the moment of truth. I looked him in the eyes and gave him a dismissive smile (you know the smile, we have all gotten it). He adverted his gaze, and never so much as looked at me again. I continued to the dressing room with an arm load of tops and felt great.

Yea, the service put a dent in my wallet. I had to forgo a fishing trip, and a couple of other things I would have normally done. But for me it was worth every penny.

So like I said, allow your self to be ready when you are ready and go for it.

Kelly.

[Anita]

Hi Anthony--
This is all a very big deal, and I'm happy for you.

Like the real problem is finding "the path". 'Cos I don't think anyone's been down this one before. At least not exactly.

You're correct in that--I don't think I've ever run into another trans person who was operating in quite this way.

Two things I could see happening here. One is that the 'gal' self slowly begins blending in with the 'guy' self in some ways, whether or not there's underdressing or wigs or makeup going on. At the same time, it's easier to access the inner woman (for me) when all the cues are there--that is, I'm dressed in full woman mode, wig and all. So to get the most benefit from her knowledge and skills, it helps to be her. If and how that can come about is part of the path.

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Anthony--
This is all a very big deal, and I'm happy for you.

Thankyou, Anita.

Like the real problem is finding "the path". 'Cos I don't think anyone's been down this one before. At least not exactly.

You're correct in that--I don't think I've ever run into another trans person who was operating in quite this way.

Two things I could see happening here. One is that the 'gal' self slowly begins blending in with the 'guy' self in some ways, whether or not there's underdressing or wigs or makeup going on. At the same time, it's easier to access the inner woman (for me) when all the cues are there--that is, I'm dressed in full woman mode, wig and all. So to get the most benefit from her knowledge and skills, it helps to be her. If and how that can come about is part of the path.

Well, the way it's been for me in the last few months, is that I've not really given "my woman" full expression in the sense of dressing up, makeup, wig etc. But, let's say, the kind of level of hum from her in the background has gone up very considerably.

Like she's got much closer to the surface and with more weight. So then, if I go into some underwear and a wig, I pretty soon get an intense burst of her. I've done that persistently recently - and it's melding her into my consciousness in a gradual way.

I'm pretty sure that, at some point, I'm going to find myself with a mixed male-female consciousness somewhat along the lines you suggest. From the point of view of getting my life to work better, I'm sure this is a good thing - even a necessity.

There is a conflict in me - and some work to be done - because I still, in part of me, want to see myself as "basically a man". I'd like to jump over that problem, but I don't think it's going to be that easy.

If and when I get to that point, I imagine I'm going to want to bring Eleanor out of my house and into contact with others.